My dad is my only male role model really, and he was absent most of my early childhood. I am in my teens. And by attracted I mean not necessarily aroused to say, but more kind of an envious attraction. Like I can get excited, but its not complimentary
My dear, you may be surprised to know that that is actually normal. It's actually part of the psychological development of gender identification.
Small children go through a phase where they have to figure out what gender they are. And since most small children are primarily in the care of women; that identity process is usually more readily accessible for girls. Statistically speaking there are 3 times as many homosexual men as there are homosexual women. And psychology believes this is connected to that gender identity process.
I'm a 50 year old mother of a 19 year old autistic son who also has epilepsy. When he was about 7; he'd decided that he didn't want to be a boy. I found this out one day when I found him in his bedroom crying and trying to pull his reproductive organs off. I asked him why he was trying to pull his organs off and he said it was because he didn't want to be a boy.
Well we had a conversation about this and his feelings stemmed from his father's rejection of him. His dad (my husband) was present in the household but he did not cope well with life. He was constantly angry and frustrate about everything and he tended to take it out on his son. And of course the way he treated his child caused a lot of stress between the two of us parents.
My son had said that he didn't want to be a boy because "boys are mean". And when I explained to him that we are all held to the same moral standard by God; (boy's aren't "mean" because they are boys). His father didn't act the way he did because he was male. He acted the way he did because he's a sinner!
At that point we started talking about "Jesus is nice and he was a boy too." We've had a few conversations about "guy" / "girl" stuff and that our character is more important than our gender.
I also brought up examples to my son of other men that he liked. (He's had a couple of male student teachers who worked specifically with him in his classes in elementary school. (He had difficulty learning stuff.) The principal had been a gym teacher and he liked the principal. He liked "coach". (The guy that taught swim.)
Now my son has also been through several school placements because of behavioral problems related to Autism and epilepsy. And as he got older; the relationship between him and his dad got more strained. (Because dad could not deal with the fact that the kid had a notable medical disability.) His father eventually left, had had two affairs and committed suicide. Actually.... that happened 4 years ago today; the police found his body in his apartment on March 5th 2017.
But my son (besides me; who I'm a "tom boy", military vet who's worked in male occupations. I've done road construction. I've built houses and ran a military heavy equipment yard when I was in the Navy.) I'm "knowledgeable, independent mom". My son though, always got along better with male staff in school. Probably because their "school teacher self" generally manifests differently than female "school teacher selves".
And thank God for good men who work in "child care" and public schools. My son had a male respite worker until he was about 17 years old. This fellow would come over; make my son dinner. They'd play video games and talk about "stuff" while they were shooting at each other. LOL
When my son got to be 15, 16, 17 years old; he gravitated toward fellow gamers who were generally guys in their late teens and early 20's who played the Destiny video game. These friends (he's part of several Christian gamer groups) also helped him deal with his dad's suicide. (Stuff he could not talk to mom about.)
So my son is 19 now. He knows, is happy and comfortable with the fact that he's a boy. At this point he seems to have a preference for male friends because he has found male friends that he's found acceptance in. He's never had a girlfriend. Not sure how many female gammer friends he has? Most of the streamer / YouTube people he watches are men. He likes Dude Perfect, Mr. Beast and Vanoss.
He identifies "orientation" as "an ACE" (asexual). Which he's fine for where he is in life and the challenges he faces. He's already decided that if he ever did find a girl he wanted to marry; he'd be surgically altered he knows he can't take care of a child.
But my son is a kind soul who doesn't really get mad unless he's "raging" at the game. He's a gentle kid. Likes Star Wars / Star Trek. Still puts together Lego sets. But he also likes gardens and cooking shows. He likes flowers (not bees though - LOL) He's a tall; skinny guy. He has health problems so he's physically not very strong. But he is a guy and he'd beat me at arm wrestling.
So you trying to figure out what kind of guy you want to be and what it means to you to be a guy; is absolutely normal. My son went through the same process and he looked to other men to help him. Yeah, I'm mom and we are close; but I can't teach him "how to be a man". I can teach him how to be a human being with integrity though.
And that's the direction I would encourage you to go. Work with God on your spiritual life and how all this applies to having a character of integrity. You're not weird. You're not gay. You are just another young adult trying to find your way in this world.
Only general advice on "dealing with sexuality" I'd give you is stay away from inappropriate content. And if it's already a problem than get help. That will mess you up in the head a lot more than trying to figure out your girlfriend's emotions. That's another thing I've had conversations with my son about. Staying away from inappropriate content. He's got a fairly strong faith though. He's been through a lot of adversity and in the grand scheme of his dealing with issues of life and death; inappropriate content and "talking smack about sex" doesn't interest him.
