I have kissed dating goodbye!

[ThisIsMe123]

I'm sorry, all of what you just posted just completely went over my head. Even after having read it twice.

Some of this is the result of a desire to belong. And for many church and religion fill that void. They adhere to the messages because the group provides the intimacy and acceptance they lack elsewhere.

A rational mind would realize that some ideas are foolish. But that is secondary to the emotional and social needs they’re trying to address. Feeding it matters most.

I suspect it comes back to love. If your love meter is full, intimacy is not an issue. Nor is belonging or communication. Even if you’re shy, an introvert, or disabled. But if your love meter is low, simple things become a challenge. You look in other places to replenish the deficiency.

This why two people can attend a church. One focuses on the experience and the other on what they failed to receive. The latter is desirous of social and emotional feeding far more than the first. When it’s absent they say they’ve been rejected.

If the love meter is low, intimacy is difficult. When it arrives they hold on tight and often choke its breath.

 

[bèlla]

I'm sorry, all of what you just posted just completely went over my head. Even after having read it twice.

My apologies. Simply put. If you’ve been given a healthy dose of love throughout your life. You are less likely to have the intimacy issues you referenced or give credence to the strange ideas we’ve mentioned.

But if you’re lacking the love you required throughout your life. You’ll need to fill the void with something or someone. The need is fed through belonging and acceptance. You’re more likely to succumb to these ideas and have challenges in expression.

With frequent use a muscle grows strong. Infrequent use renders it weak and prone to injury.

 

[Tempura]

The need is fed through belonging and acceptance. You’re more likely to succumb to these ideas and have challenges in expression.

That made me think of co-dependency, and how a co-dependent person can have an enormous need to be accepted, and at the same time they can be terrified of situations where they could be accepted, because there is chance of rejection, and they often give up without even trying. But when they do try, they can still be standing on fragile, even false ground, as they're putting up a performance to mask their own weakness and fear. A lot of these people do not have a strong foundation of their "self", and if there is something consistent in their self-esteem or self-experience, it's ruled by fear.

I probably derailed this thread into oblivion, so pay no mind and carry on. Interesting read though.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

My apologies. Simply put. If you’ve been given a healthy dose of love throughout your life. You are less likely to have the intimacy issues you referenced or give credence to the strange ideas we’ve mentioned.

But if you’re lacking the love you required throughout your life. You’ll need to fill the void with something or someone. The need is fed through belonging and acceptance. You’re more likely to succumb to these ideas and have challenges in expression.

With frequent use a muscle grows strong. Infrequent use renders it weak and prone to injury.

I am KIND OF getting what you're saying...

So you're saying the aforementioned poster that admitted to not kissing outside of marriage and also...takes issue with even hugging people. What does that say about him?

I am trying to think in the context of those that don't want to do even non-sinful things, like hugging and kissing, before marriage.

 

[bèlla]

So you're saying the aforementioned poster that admitted to not kissing outside of marriage and also...takes issue with even hugging people. What does that say about him?

It wasn’t addressed to that person. But some physical restrictions can be the result of cultural or childhood influences or a negative result of abuse.

 

[bèlla]

That made me think of co-dependency, and how a co-dependent person can have an enormous need to be accepted, and at the same time they can be terrified of situations where they could be accepted, because there is chance of rejection, and they often give up without even trying. But when they do try, they can still be standing on fragile, even false ground, as they're putting up a performance to mask their own weakness and fear. A lot of these people do not have a strong foundation of their "self", and if there is something consistent in their self-esteem or self-experience, it's ruled by fear.

I probably derailed this thread into oblivion, so pay no mind and carry on. Interesting read though.

Don’t apologize. It’s an excellent observation! That’s why the bible emphasizes love so frequently. The ramifications of its absence are severe. We never stop craving it.

Many co-dependent people end up in horrible situations for this reason.

 

[Single Life]

Yeah, if you want to guarantee single-hood for the rest of your life, tell a soon-to-be gone dating prospect you don't want to kiss until your wedding day. They'll indeed move on.

I totally disagree. It is like you know what women think and are putting words in their mouths.

 

[Blessed Celibate Life]

@ThisIsMe123, God is clearly taking me in a different direction than most people in this world. Thank you, @LaBèlla for your kind words.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I totally disagree. It is like you know what women think and are putting words in their mouths.

I am just saying, the likelihood of a woman never wanting to kiss before marriage his very high. I just never understood why avoid doing something that's not sinful for the purpose of dating or marriage?

 

[Sir Robbins]

I am just saying, the likelihood of a woman never wanting to kiss before marriage his very high. I just never understood why avoid doing something that's not sinful for the purpose of dating or marriage?

In old times, the kiss on the wedding day was to be the first kiss a couple shared. It was, in fact, once forbidden in many cultures before the wedding day. The wedding was to signify the start of everything. The women wore white to represent her virginity being given in marriage and the kiss at the alter was the first kiss to be shared

 

[bèlla]

God is clearly taking me in a different direction than most people in this world. Thank you, @LaBèlla for your kind words.

You’re welcome. If the Lord is leading you in this then look to the Holy Spirit. There are prohibitions I’ve received that others don’t mention. But they’re appropriate for my life and calling.

One thing I’ve noticed in some circles is a desire to be friends before dating. I have no interest in doing that. And I regard male connections differently than I did in the past.

I worked on the launch team for a book that focused on successful marriages. The majority were ten years or greater. During our discussion the topic of friendships was raised. Someone shared the approach she and her husband took on the subject.

They made a commitment upon marrying to relinquish their connections with the opposite sex and forge new ones as a couple. The message touched my spirit and I knew I wanted to do the same.

Today, my closest relationships are with women. They’re my confidants. The shift eliminated a lot of ambiguity and hidden agendas I’m no longer subject to.

 

[Single Life]

God knows what I want in a lady and there may or not be a lady who fits into my life. It not about me but about the Savior and Jesus is working. This may sound selfish but the older I get the more I like singleness and it would take a Act of God for me to marry.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

In old times, the kiss on the wedding day was to be the first kiss a couple shared. It was, in fact, once forbidden in many cultures before the wedding day. The wedding was to signify the start of everything. The women wore white to represent her virginity being given in marriage and the kiss at the alter was the first kiss to be shared

Well, this isn't old times.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

One thing I’ve noticed in some circles is a desire to be friends before dating. I have no interest in doing that.

And why is this? I've been on the fence with this, but funny you mention that because I woman I had been talking with on a dating said this is the very thing she preferred. It is actually recommended, so as to not rush into things.

In fact, I've had more Christians say this is the best way to go. So I'd be interested in your take on this since you are also a Christian, but believes otherwise.

A major complaint among women and this movement for "friends first" has grown within the single lady populace. It is to help throttle men trying to nail them to an exclusive dating commitment too soon (for them). This "friends first" stance tends to be the "hold your horses kid" stance when it comes to dating.

For instance, I knew of a woman that had been dating a man for only 2 mos., and he wanted to move in with her. She was like "no way!", thus the friend first defensive tactic.

There are arguments in both directions on this though...as 'friends first" is nebulous and is left up to interpretation by the individual. The only problem is, the man will eventually want more....since this is typically a woman's move

Then there is the whole "The best of relationship/marriage, is one built on the foundation of friendship". So I'd be curious what your response would be to that?

I mean, is it the most ideal to be able to say, "I married my best frien!!"?

 

[bèlla]

And why is this?

Because being someone’s friend and being their partner are light years apart. I’ve never met an abuser who harms their friends. There’s a reason for that. The levels of intimacy differ.

For instance, I knew of a woman that had been dating a man for only 2 mos., and he wanted to move in with her. She was like "no way!", thus the friend first defensive tactic.

That’s not an example of friends first. It’s a question of boundaries and respect.

I mean, is it the most ideal to be able to say, "I married my best friend!!"?

Some people believe that’s the best way to vet a partner and gauge their character. Some are scared of rejection and believe that friendship enhances their chances with the person. And some enjoy the attention of the opposite sex.

Why do I feel differently?

I don’t dance and I know what I want. If the fit is wrong I move on. It doesn’t take six months to realize it’s the wrong person if you know yourself.

I don’t treat my friends like my companion. Why would I expect a man to do the same? Some character flaws appear in a relationship that may never show up in a friendship.

I’m not looking for male attention. Nor do I wish to be intimate (non-sexual) with someone I’m not invested in.

I have healthy self-esteem and self-regard. I’m not looking for completion or someone to make me feel good about myself. Or driven by need or a void I’m trying to fill. He complements what exists. He’s not the whole.

I’m not afraid of no. Nor am I lonely. I don’t take it personal if we’re incompatible. It’s not a judgment of me or the other person.

I know my worth. I’m not jumping through hoops or twisting anyone’s arm. Or making attempts to convince you I’m worthy. You recognize the prize or you don’t. It’s that simple.

I’m not lacking prospects. My options aren’t dependent on his notice. I’m not afraid I’ll remain alone if he doesn’t choose me.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Because being someone’s friend and being their partner are light years apart. I’ve never met an abuser who harms their friends. There’s a reason for that. The levels of intimacy differ.[/quote

I am not sure where abuse had come into the topic. I don't follow.

That’s not an example of friends first. It’s a question of boundaries and respect.

Okay, maybe not a great example, but there are situations where one person took it too fast for the other...and I think this is where the "friends first" came in to play. You hang out with them long enough, as a friend, before becoming emotionally invested...just to see if this is someone you can date.

I once did this and found out that a woman I liked like to drink a lot at parties, and I though" Wow, that's a bullet dodged, didn't even have to actually date her to find out.

Some people believe that’s the best way to vet a partner and gauge their character.

Yeah ,that's what I was kind of driving at.

Some are scared of rejection and believe that friendship enhances their chances with the person.

I think this is where some men aren't clear on their intentions. They'll "be friends" with a woman to see if he can turn her around her she'll change her mind about him later down the road. Also there's a thought of that a growing familiarity with build attraction...over time.

And some enjoy the attention of the opposite sex.

I suppose so...some just thrive on garnering someone's attention without returning the favor.

Why do I feel differently?

I don’t dance and I know what I want. If the fit is wrong I move on. It doesn’t take six months to realize it’s the wrong person if you know yourself.

True, you could find out sooner than 6 months that the person isn't the one you should date.

I don’t treat my friends like my companion.

Right, the difference between friends and a romantic partner is the physical intimacy. IE kissing, snuggling, holding hands.

Why would I expect a man to do the same? Some character flaws appear in a relationship that may never show up in a friendship.

And some character flaws are kept well hidden until the wedding day and boom, all **** breaks loose! Heard tons of cases where a woman got married, and the husband went from Dr. Jekyll to Mr Hyde within a month in abuse cases. So I'm not sure you're statement holds much water here.

I’m not looking for male attention. Nor do I wish to be intimate (non-sexual) with someone I’m not invested in.

I think this where I see on dating profiles, "I''m not here to make friends, I have enough friends". That makes sense if you're in a mission to find a romantic partner.

I have healthy self-esteem and self-regard. I’m not looking for completion or someone to make me feel good about myself. Or driven by need or a void I’m trying to fill. He complements what exists. He’s not the whole.

I’m not afraid of no. Nor am I lonely. I don’t take it personal if we’re incompatible. It’s not a judgment of me or the other person.

I know my worth. I’m not jumping through hoops or twisting anyone’s arm. Or making attempts to convince you I’m worthy. You recognize the prize or you don’t. It’s that simple.

Okay, that's good I guess. Kind of lost me here. Not sure how you're jumping through hoops or twisting arms. Not sure of what you mentioned relative to the topic of being friends with the opposite sex conversation here?

I’m not lacking prospects. My options aren’t dependent on his notice. I’m not afraid I’ll remain alone if he doesn’t choose me.

Basically, I used to think you like you thought, but then some female friends told me it's a bit more open minded to be friends with the opposite sex.
As they say, "You can never have too many friends!" Plus they can introduce you to THEIR other female friends should they be single.

Of course, men hate being put in the friend zone, and that probably would be a non-issue for you because you don't let it get that far. Which is a good thing. Of course, "friend zone" is different from "friends first" which means you still have a chance.

I guess there are pluses and minuses of the whole friends first thing. I guess the word "first" in "friends first", gives a guy some hope he's got a shot at her.

 

[Single Life]

I am currently working on becoming the best version of myself on the sure foundation in Jesus and am I am very sure my future date wants me to do the same. I am not sure how long this will be or if I will see or date but this I am sure that if it is God will it will happen.
I am not posting anymore personal information on the internet so that the can world to see.

 

[bèlla]

I am not sure where abuse had come into the topic. I don't follow.]

No, it wasn’t but I mentioned it for a reason. That is generally an aspect of a person’s character that may not rear its head with a friend.

Okay, maybe not a great example, but there are situations where one person took it too fast for the other...and I think this is where the "friends first" came in to play. You hang out with them long enough, as a friend, before becoming emotionally invested...just to see if this is someone you can date.

That’s where communication comes in so you’re on the same page and you continue that discussion throughout and make adjustments as needed.

I once did this and found out that a woman I liked like to drink a lot at parties, and I though" Wow, that's a bullet dodged, didn't even have to actually date her to find out.

When I’m engaging with a prospect, I’m looking for specific qualities and concerns. I have don’t have a laundry list. I know what I can live with and what’s non negotiable. That’s different for everyone.

I think this is where some men aren't clear on their intentions. They'll "be friends" with a woman to see if he can turn her around her she'll change her mind about him later down the road. Also there's a thought of that a growing familiarity with build attraction...over time.

I’ve had true confessions. Usually a year later. But I didn’t feel warm and fuzzy. I wondered how long they knew and kept silent while playing the buddy card. Some use the support angle and share confidences. But I don’t date my friends.

And some character flaws are kept well hidden until the wedding day and boom, all **** breaks loose! Heard tons of cases where a woman got married, and the husband went from Dr. Jekyll to Mr Hyde within a month in abuse cases. So I'm not sure you're statement holds much water here.

And there are many women like myself who’ve never been abused. I date gentleman. That’s the example I was reared with. I don’t know what they picked up. But it wasn’t a gentleman.

Kind of lost me here. Not sure how you're jumping through hoops or twisting arms. Not sure of what you mentioned relative to the topic of being friends with the opposite sex conversation here?

Some people like the notion of effort or a person proving themselves through tests and machinations they’ve devised to see how the person responds. I don’t have time for that. And I never try to change his mind. If it’s a no that’s it.

Basically, I used to think you like you thought, but then some female friends told me it's a bit more open minded to be friends with the opposite sex.
As they say, "You can never have too many friends!" Plus they can introduce you to THEIR other female friends should they be single.

If that works for you, continue. Developing friendships isn’t my priority. I’d prefer to cultivate connections with the opposite sex with my spouse. That’s why I nurture relationships with women instead.

I used to have lots of male friends. I’m over that. And I’ve never had a prospect who found it odd.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I am not posting anymore personal information on the internet so that the can world to see.

And you are telling us this because.....?

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I used to have lots of male friends. I’m over that.

And why is this? What happened with them and why have you ceased? Did they have an agenda with you that was of romantic intent, but it wasn't mutual?