I have feelings for a nonbeliever

[Trayalc]

This girl has had feelings for me ever since we met around 4 years ago. Back when I first met her, I found her attractive but knew we couldn't be in a relationship at the time because of her beliefs and lifestyle. However, fast forward years later, and I see that she's grown so much as a person. When I first met her, for instance, she identified as gender fluid. Now she fully identifies as what she was born as and embraces her femininity, which I'm super proud of her for. I think she had a rough childhood, and that may be why she's making poor decisions now. But because she's grown so much from when I first met her, I've found myself increasingly attracted to her.

The problem is, she's still an unbeliever. From what I can tell so far, there's a lot of holes in her worldview. It makes me think her unbelieving is an issue of the heart rather than an intellectual issue because she's quite smart enough to see those holes. Also, even though she identifies as agnostic, she goes weekly to a college ministry and thinks Christianity is life-bettering.

She approached me about dating last December, but I reluctantly turned her down due to our difference in beliefs, which I explained to her. She doesn't fully understand why it's such a big deal; she disagreed (and still does) with the reason but respects it.

Lately we've been talking again. Admittedly, I fell into temptation and chose to engage in sexual activity with her a couple of weeks ago. I recently brought up my same hesitations as last December to her, and she became very upset and discouraged because she thought things were different this time. We talked about it and had a productive conversation to where we both felt better about it, I think. She and I are both sorry about going as far as we did, and I think we've placed some new restrictions on ourselves. However, I think she's still hanging on to hope that we may be together, and so am I.

To complicate things further, she has a boyfriend right now who she is living with for the next year. I told her at the very least we should let things play out between them, especially since I am still feeling hesitant. They are having a rough patch right now, so they may break up naturally. Even then she'd likely still have to live with him.

Maybe it's just my own selfishness or pride (in fact it probably is), but I just get a sense that I am her best (human) option right now, that I could somehow keep her from making more poor decisions. She's told me that I make her a better person. I know I should not "missionary date," though, because Jesus is her savior, not me. And of course I am also far from perfect and fall short of the glory of God, as do all of us.

Honestly, in this moment, I want to be with her. I've asked my parents for advice; they do not seem to think the difference in beliefs a big deal, but they are not very religious. They said to be cautious for other reasons, like that it seems she is dependent on guys and needs a boyfriend at all times. If she was a Christian, I'd choose her in a heartbeat. But no matter how I go about it right now, I feel hesitation.

Advice and prayer would be greatly appreciated. I am praying a lot this week for wisdom and strength to make the right decision, that Jesus will call her name and that she will answer, and that ultimately God's will be done. I apologize for the Harry Potter novel-sized post.

TL;DR: There's a girl who I've reluctantly turned down in the past due to our difference in beliefs, but lately I've been having feelings for her once again. I still feel hesitation for the same reasons, however, and she knows this, disagrees with it, but respects it. I want to date her and help her but also know I shouldn't missionary date. Advice for how to handle this situation? And prayer is appreciated.

 

[Albion]

The "living with a boyfriend" part puts a lot of this into a different light, in my view. Are we to think she has regretted sex with you but not him?

But if that were not the big issue, I would say to give you and she a chance by dating for some time and gradually, calmly, getting a better handle on the religious compatibility issue. It seems as though there is a chance for you two, but this on and off, maybe but maybe not, approach is not going to help.

 

[Trayalc]

The "living with a boyfriend" part puts a lot of this into a different light, in my view. Are we to think she has regretted sex with you but not him?

But if that were not the big issue, I would say to give you and she a chance by dating for some time and gradually, calmly, getting a better handle on the religious compatibility issue. It seems as though there is a chance for you two, but this on and off, maybe but maybe not, approach is not going to help.

I think she regrets the sexual activity with me simply because she knows it's against my beliefs. She blames herself for having caused me to do that, but I assure her I had a choice in it too and I am also to blame. We both, in the moment, enjoyed the experience, and we both have wanted to do it again; it was just in retrospect and in reflection that we both regret doing it.

As for her boyfriend, she did not move in with him simply because he's her boyfriend. They started out simply as roommates. And she's said that he makes her happy for the most part, but she has also expressed frustrations about her feeling like she has to be his "sex slave" at times. I think she'd rather be with me; I also don't like the idea of her being in that sort of environment.

 

[Albion]

I think she regrets the sexual activity with me simply because she knows it's against my beliefs. She blames herself for having caused me to do that, but I assure her I had a choice in it too and I am also to blame.

This I get. And I wondered if that wasn't the answer. It speaks well of her.

And she's said that he makes her happy for the most part, but she has also expressed frustrations about her feeling like she has to be his "sex slave" at times. I think she'd rather be with me; I also don't like the idea of her being in that sort of environment.

This--in my opinion--does NOT speak well for her and would, for most men, make all the rest of what you've told us secondary. Put another way, it may mean that you had a chance but you missed it and she now thinks of you in something of a theoretical way, or as a friend, rather than as a realistic possibility for being a life partner.

If you don't want to settle for that, you're going to do some serious reassessing of the situation, make some big changes, and do it soon (IMHO). But I would still think of that as a long-term project with no guarantee of success...no matter what your approach is.

 

[eleos1954]

This girl has had feelings for me ever since we met around 4 years ago. Back when I first met her, I found her attractive but knew we couldn't be in a relationship at the time because of her beliefs and lifestyle. However, fast forward years later, and I see that she's grown so much as a person. When I first met her, for instance, she identified as gender fluid. Now she fully identifies as what she was born as and embraces her femininity, which I'm super proud of her for. I think she had a rough childhood, and that may be why she's making poor decisions now. But because she's grown so much from when I first met her, I've found myself increasingly attracted to her.

The problem is, she's still an unbeliever. From what I can tell so far, there's a lot of holes in her worldview. It makes me think her unbelieving is an issue of the heart rather than an intellectual issue because she's quite smart enough to see those holes. Also, even though she identifies as agnostic, she goes weekly to a college ministry and thinks Christianity is life-bettering.

She approached me about dating last December, but I reluctantly turned her down due to our difference in beliefs, which I explained to her. She doesn't fully understand why it's such a big deal; she disagreed (and still does) with the reason but respects it.

Lately we've been talking again. Admittedly, I fell into temptation and chose to engage in sexual activity with her a couple of weeks ago. I recently brought up my same hesitations as last December to her, and she became very upset and discouraged because she thought things were different this time. We talked about it and had a productive conversation to where we both felt better about it, I think. She and I are both sorry about going as far as we did, and I think we've placed some new restrictions on ourselves. However, I think she's still hanging on to hope that we may be together, and so am I.

To complicate things further, she has a boyfriend right now who she is living with for the next year. I told her at the very least we should let things play out between them, especially since I am still feeling hesitant. They are having a rough patch right now, so they may break up naturally. Even then she'd likely still have to live with him.

Maybe it's just my own selfishness or pride (in fact it probably is), but I just get a sense that I am her best (human) option right now, that I could somehow keep her from making more poor decisions. She's told me that I make her a better person. I know I should not "missionary date," though, because Jesus is her savior, not me. And of course I am also far from perfect and fall short of the glory of God, as do all of us.

Honestly, in this moment, I want to be with her. I've asked my parents for advice; they do not seem to think the difference in beliefs a big deal, but they are not very religious. They said to be cautious for other reasons, like that it seems she is dependent on guys and needs a boyfriend at all times. If she was a Christian, I'd choose her in a heartbeat. But no matter how I go about it right now, I feel hesitation.

Advice and prayer would be greatly appreciated. I am praying a lot this week for wisdom and strength to make the right decision, that Jesus will call her name and that she will answer, and that ultimately God's will be done. I apologize for the Harry Potter novel-sized post.

TL;DR: There's a girl who I've reluctantly turned down in the past due to our difference in beliefs, but lately I've been having feelings for her once again. I still feel hesitation for the same reasons, however, and she knows this, disagrees with it, but respects it. I want to date her and help her but also know I shouldn't missionary date. Advice for how to handle this situation? And prayer is appreciated.

If you want a relationship centered on Christ then you should be honest about that with yourself and her as well. If the both of you don't commit to that, then what actually is the relationship based on?

 

[maintenance man]

There's a girl who I've reluctantly turned down in the past due to our difference in beliefs, but lately I've been having feelings for her once again. I still feel hesitation for the same reasons, however, and she knows this, disagrees with it, but respects it. I want to date her and help her but also know I shouldn't missionary date. Advice for how to handle this situation? And prayer is appreciated.

It sounds like the two of you have a real connection; but she lives with her boyfriend. Maybe that's more of a financial arrangement than a honest relationship, but it's still a major road block. My honest assessment from your post is that this woman is full of emotional problems. My radar is telling me she is nothing but trouble. I personally wouldn't even consider spending any more time with her until after she has left her boyfriend. Your taking on an enormously difficult task dealing with a woman who is not able to stand on her own two feet.

 

[Brightmoon]

Rule number one Don’t mess with people in relationships! You obviously care about her but this is definitely hands off
Rule sorta number 2 religion is a dealbreaker for you and it might not be for another person . If you were married would you divorce for that reason and only that reason ? would you try to convince her or respectfully stop trying if she asked you to?

 

[Dave G.]

So many things could be said right now but I need to wait so they can be said graciously. I'll just leave you with this, she doesn't belong to God she belongs to Satan and all that you spoke of is the evidence beyond the simple Christian view. You can't love her in the spirit, it's not possible at this time, so we are talking flesh.

 

[thecolorsblend]

I shouldn't missionary date

There you go, right there.

This is not a small difference of opinion about something trivial. This will become a source of trouble (and probably heartache too) later on if you pursue something with her.

I’m sure she’s a major sweetie but it’s just not worth it.

 

[socal poppy]

She says you make her a better person. The real question is does she make you a better person. Answer: No. I think it is time for you to be done playing with her and work on getting closer to God. Learn more about what it means to love. Become the man that is worthy of a young, serious Christian woman. I see that you say you understand that God should be her savior, but you still think that you are the best person for her and you want to save her, from what? Sex with another man? By having sex with her?

I like the saying, "Run after God with all of your heart. If, after a time, you happen to find someone running beside you, introduce yourself."

 

[Dave G.]

[QUOTE="socal poppy, post: 74045321, member: 420380"

I like the saying, "Run after God with all of your heart. If, after a time, you happen to find someone running beside you, introduce yourself."[/QUOTE]

socal poppy, I really like that saying, that's awesome !

 

[aiki]

She approached me about dating last December, but I reluctantly turned her down due to our difference in beliefs, which I explained to her. She doesn't fully understand why it's such a big deal; she disagreed (and still does) with the reason but respects it.

Lately we've been talking again. Admittedly, I fell into temptation and chose to engage in sexual activity with her a couple of weeks ago.

I hope you can see the enormous incongruity in what you've written here. Where were your concerns about differences in beliefs when you got sexual with your friend? It seems that when you can gratify yourself sexually, your Christian beliefs go right out the window. Did it not occur to you how hypocritical this would make you look to her? I guess not...

I recently brought up my same hesitations as last December to her, and she became very upset and discouraged because she thought things were different this time. We talked about it and had a productive conversation to where we both felt better about it, I think. She and I are both sorry about going as far as we did, and I think we've placed some new restrictions on ourselves. However, I think she's still hanging on to hope that we may be together, and so am I.

Well, the longer you keep things going with this friend of yours, the more certain it is that you two will end up seriously involved. I don't know how concerned you are about honoring God in your life, but He has said to carefully avoid unions of an intimate kind with those who don't know and love Him. He has given you this command (not merely a suggestion), not for His sake, but for yours. However wonderful things may look at the front end of an unequally-yoked relationship, at the back end death waits - death of joy, of peace, of fellowship with God, of physical health, even.

Proverbs 14:12
12 There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.

2 Corinthians 6:14
14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?

To complicate things further, she has a boyfriend right now who she is living with for the next year. I told her at the very least we should let things play out between them, especially since I am still feeling hesitant. They are having a rough patch right now, so they may break up naturally. Even then she'd likely still have to live with him.

And you want a relationship with a woman who will behave as she has with her current boyfriend? What will happen if you and she go through a "rough patch," eh? Who will be waiting in the wings to console her? With whom will she cheat on you when things between you go poorly? Yikes! I wouldn't touch such a deceitful, self-centered woman with a fifty-foot pole!

Maybe it's just my own selfishness or pride (in fact it probably is), but I just get a sense that I am her best (human) option right now, that I could somehow keep her from making more poor decisions. She's told me that I make her a better person. I know I should not "missionary date," though, because Jesus is her savior, not me. And of course I am also far from perfect and fall short of the glory of God, as do all of us.

This is just you justifying sin. You want her and you'll lie to yourself, it seems, to get her. Well, don't complain, then, when the death God promises always come from our sin descends upon you to tear at and wound you (and your friend).

Galatians 6:7
7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.
8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will reap life everlasting.

 

[Joined2krist]

You can get another girlfriend, I believe you can, your life shouldn't be centered around her. Perhaps you can be more involved with Church activities so that you can meet a good Christian girl?

It's a good thing you make her life better but you don't have to date her to achieve this, you can simply be friends if you're both able to control your sexual attraction towards each other, if this isn't possible, I'll suggest that you dissolve your friendship but put her in your prayers as often as you can. God bless

 

[Brightmoon]

This I get. And I wondered if that wasn't the answer. It speaks well of her.


This--in my opinion--does NOT speak well for her and would, for most men, make all the rest of what you've told us secondary. Put another way, it may mean that you had a chance but you missed it and she now thinks of you in something of a theoretical way, or as a friend, rather than as a realistic possibility for being a life partner.

If you don't want to settle for that, you're going to do some serious reassessing of the situation, make some big changes, and do it soon (IMHO). But I would still think of that as a long-term project with no guarantee of success...no matter what your approach is.

. He should turn her down simply because she’s in another relationship.

 

[Andrew77]

This girl has had feelings for me ever since we met around 4 years ago. Back when I first met her, I found her attractive but knew we couldn't be in a relationship at the time because of her beliefs and lifestyle. However, fast forward years later, and I see that she's grown so much as a person. When I first met her, for instance, she identified as gender fluid. Now she fully identifies as what she was born as and embraces her femininity, which I'm super proud of her for. I think she had a rough childhood, and that may be why she's making poor decisions now. But because she's grown so much from when I first met her, I've found myself increasingly attracted to her.

The problem is, she's still an unbeliever. From what I can tell so far, there's a lot of holes in her worldview. It makes me think her unbelieving is an issue of the heart rather than an intellectual issue because she's quite smart enough to see those holes. Also, even though she identifies as agnostic, she goes weekly to a college ministry and thinks Christianity is life-bettering.

She approached me about dating last December, but I reluctantly turned her down due to our difference in beliefs, which I explained to her. She doesn't fully understand why it's such a big deal; she disagreed (and still does) with the reason but respects it.

Lately we've been talking again. Admittedly, I fell into temptation and chose to engage in sexual activity with her a couple of weeks ago. I recently brought up my same hesitations as last December to her, and she became very upset and discouraged because she thought things were different this time. We talked about it and had a productive conversation to where we both felt better about it, I think. She and I are both sorry about going as far as we did, and I think we've placed some new restrictions on ourselves. However, I think she's still hanging on to hope that we may be together, and so am I.

To complicate things further, she has a boyfriend right now who she is living with for the next year. I told her at the very least we should let things play out between them, especially since I am still feeling hesitant. They are having a rough patch right now, so they may break up naturally. Even then she'd likely still have to live with him.

Maybe it's just my own selfishness or pride (in fact it probably is), but I just get a sense that I am her best (human) option right now, that I could somehow keep her from making more poor decisions. She's told me that I make her a better person. I know I should not "missionary date," though, because Jesus is her savior, not me. And of course I am also far from perfect and fall short of the glory of God, as do all of us.

Honestly, in this moment, I want to be with her. I've asked my parents for advice; they do not seem to think the difference in beliefs a big deal, but they are not very religious. They said to be cautious for other reasons, like that it seems she is dependent on guys and needs a boyfriend at all times. If she was a Christian, I'd choose her in a heartbeat. But no matter how I go about it right now, I feel hesitation.

Advice and prayer would be greatly appreciated. I am praying a lot this week for wisdom and strength to make the right decision, that Jesus will call her name and that she will answer, and that ultimately God's will be done. I apologize for the Harry Potter novel-sized post.

TL;DR: There's a girl who I've reluctantly turned down in the past due to our difference in beliefs, but lately I've been having feelings for her once again. I still feel hesitation for the same reasons, however, and she knows this, disagrees with it, but respects it. I want to date her and help her but also know I shouldn't missionary date. Advice for how to handle this situation? And prayer is appreciated.

She identifies as 'gender fluid'... do you know how absolutely revolting what that statement implies, is?

She's screwing some pagan guy, and she's a pagan girl, and you want to be with her why?

You know I hate to put you on the spot... but in general if a person said what you said in this post, I would wonder if they really were a Christian or not. Because more than half of that post should be absolutely disgusting to a Christian.

So let me just spell this out. You don't need anymore advice. You don't need prayer. You don't need discussion or talking it out. There are some things in the Bible which are laid out plainly for everyone to understand.

2 Corinthians 6:14
"Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?"

This is a pagan girl. There isn't one thing about this girl, that says "happy Christian married life". Not one thing.

You need to disconnect from this woman, and move on with your life. By disconnect, I mean completely. Cut it off. No talky, no chatty, no meeting up for lunch. You need to move on.

If you really want to follow Jesus Christ, then this is what you are called to do. No more of this girl anymore. Game over, end of story, move on.

 

[com7fy8]

It makes me think her unbelieving is an issue of the heart rather than an intellectual issue because she's quite smart enough to see those holes.

I think this is how it can work. And you can understand this.

She approached me about dating last December, but I reluctantly turned her down due to our difference in beliefs, which I explained to her.

I would not get into an isolated situation with her.

I just get a sense that I am her best (human) option right now, that I could somehow keep her from making more poor decisions.

But the overall decision not to trust in Jesus would be a bad choice. Everything is poor, without Jesus. She needs to come to trust Christ.

They said to be cautious for other reasons, like that it seems she is dependent on guys and needs a boyfriend at all times. If she was a Christian, I'd choose her in a heartbeat. But no matter how I go about it right now, I feel hesitation.

Well . . . in my opinion, and not all Bible trusting people agree with this > if she becomes a Jesus lady, she will not be how she is, now. And so, may be God will have other than you in mind.

You might evaluate what it is about her that attracts you . . . considering she is not functioning to trust Jesus and share with God in His all-loving love which has us loving any and all people. It sounds like you two are more or less isolated in love for one another, but not love all-loving. But you should know.

I am praying a lot this week for wisdom and strength to make the right decision, that Jesus will call her name and that she will answer, and that ultimately God's will be done.

This can seem fine, but she is for God, what He wants with her, first.

I’m sure she’s a major sweetie but it’s just not worth it.

I know some not Christian women who are very charming and attractive, but they don't minister the effect of God's love to me!! They do not minister for me to become more like Christ. And my attention tends to get isolated to them, and away from God.

So, I think the clear answer is you need to keep her in her place, in yourself, humble her like we all need to humble our own selves. And grow in how we need to first stay attentive to God in His peace, and discover how He has us see things. And it is not only about beliefs. We can share with God in His own love > Romans 5:5, 1 Corinthians 6:17.

Physical intimacy doesn't come close to this. But lust can seem so convincing and can be so nagging about how a woman is charming and attractive. But God is gentle and humble and quiet. So, we need to be prayerful so we are quiet with God and discovering how He makes us creative in how we love each and every person.