BlazerSax,
Hi, my brother in Christ.
You sound a lot like how I have been for most of my life as a Christian-- very down on yourself, feeling as if you should be "closer to God," putting intense pressure on yourself to "live a better Christian life," etc. Well, I have some great new news for you-- news that I wish I had heard years ago!
When it comes down to it,
you aren't the one who is going to make yourself more like Christ-- because you
can't ! Just as we are not the ones who save ourselves from sin and Hell (Jesus is), we are also not ulltimately in charge of our sanctification (the process of becoming more like Christ). Jesus saves us, and Jesus sanctifies us. We are utterly incapable of saving
or sanctifying ourselves. In that sense, it is a very
good thing that you are "giving up"-- because when we give up our own feeble attempts at righteousness, then we are ready to completely turn our sanctification over to God (who has always beem in charge of any it way). As someone once said, "The end of ourselves is the beginning of God"-- and therefore, the end of despair (which is based in ourselves) and the beginning of real, genuine hope for change (which is based in God).
Furthermore, even the
desire to God's will is a
gift from God Himself. I struggled in frustration for years, trying to somewhow increase my desire to do the things that I knew God wanted me to do... but the pull of sin was so strong, and I seemed to basically almost go nowhere in my attempts (sincere attempts) to do right. Later, I learned that this was because I had been trying to do right through my
own strength , rather than truly, deeply relying on God to work change within my heart. If we do not rely completely on God for our sanctification-- and by that, I mean leaning on Him in utter desperation for minute-by-minute help in avoiding sin and doing what is right. If we aren't relying on Him, then we will inevitably end up relying on ourselves (and/or other sinful human beings) for the strength to do what is right. Then, when we inevitably fall into sin, because of our weakness, we struggle with frustration, bitterness, despair, and anger against ourselves. If we truly understand and believe that we that are fatally sick (in a spiritual sense) with sin though, and that only Jesus can "cure" us (through His atoning death for our sins on the cross), then we won't fall into despair when confronted with our weakness or even our hardheartedness and spiritual laziness-- because sanctification is a
process , and
God is our sanctifier, not ourselves! In other words, we can't "make" ourselves better, but He who began a good work in us (including you!) will be faithful to complete it!
We just have to remember that and rely on Him!
I want to recommend a a great Christian book to you. It may just change your life- it has definitely changed mine! It's titled
Revolution Within , and the author is Dwight Edwards. Many of the thoughts in this post are paraphrases from that book. Edwards is incredible at showing how to "unleash" God's transforming power in our lives! We can't truly change ourselves, but He can!
Don't lose hope, my brother.
We may be weak and sinful, but with God, all things are possible-- including our becoming more like His son! Lean on Him, desperately lean on Him, and He will change you. It's a process, but the change will come. I am praying for you!
In Christ's love and hope,
Chris
