I genuinely want to die

[terranova]

I've had this problem since maybe a year, more or less.

I am 17 year old guy who suffers from BPD, ADHD, as well as Avoidant Personality disorder. I also have big problems with anxiety.

Bpd and AvPD mainly came from childhood abuse, both in home and school since kindergarten threw elementary school.
My father is alchocholic and he was always away from home since i know for myself. My familiy relationships are always strained and weird and everyone secretly hates each other for some reason, from cousins to my mother and father, who where in fact "accidentally married" for sake of passport.
Today i go to high school and since then i wasnt abused anymore and i am not the "outcast", and altough i am not abused at house anymore, family relations make me want to live this place forever if i ever had a chance and never look back.
I suffer from emotional isolation for at least 3-4 years by now, and had no friends or adult or anyone i can confide to.
I kind of always tried to just forget about ever creating any relationships with other people, and to just concentrate on my dreams. Cause of this i always tought "If God takes away this dream from me i will prefer hell, and i will hate him for eternity"
I do realise this is completely unchristian, but thats only way i can see any importance in myself. I struggle with identity cause of all i mentioned, cause of being completely dead social life, and as such i try aligning my identity with my goals/dreams. Thus i always work hard despite the mental obstacles.
This philosophy of mine doesnt bring smile to my face, it never did. It just brings sence of identity and hope and some kind of self-fulfilment.
Actually that philosophy is just my last attempt to shed some light in my darkness, or at least precieved darkness if you will.
I suffer from suicidal tought/ideation for half a year by now. Only thing that stopped and still stops me is fear from hell.
All i had was my efforts of trying to shape my life in essence that might somehow get me out of the situation. I tried really hard for more than 2 years...
I fight my mental problems on daily basis, but still cant make, but still am isolated, but still didnt done anything significant...
Of course dont think that i "forgot about God", in fact its the opposite. I know that if i forget about God i will inevitably fail, cause i depend on God's mercy and his blessings.
I had huge problems with self-hatred, but somehow i am solving that, but i still hate life and even God in general. I too often wish to just never been born. My mother aborted 2 of my siblings, she wanted to abort me too but dad stopped her...
If she aborted me too!
Whenever i get something done, whenever i stabilize myself, i get anxiety and i feel like God is just about to "rise the bar" and to make it even harder. This feeling becomes so overwhelming, and i just tend to sabotage myself and undo my work endlessly!
I dont trust God, i always believe he is about to make things worse then better.
I wont ever ever tell my parents(whom i hate/dislike) about this or any "trusted adult", from personal experience they can only and only make it worse.
I often just hate myself or God, or everyone and everything cause i just dont seem to understand this. I feel forced to live threw this existance i never wanted, just cause i dont want to end up in hell cause of suicide.
I dont trust myself yet my salvation is based on my ability to brutally self-discipline myself.
When i fail disciplining myself i simply want to die and feel everytime more hopless than last time.
My self-isolation is mainly due to my Avoidant Personality, but i somehow try to fight and it got somewhat better altough my isolation still has no practical or any kind of reason to end.

I try my best, is there a result? Yes, but i still want to die, and hate my life and my existance. Altough if God would offer me now "Would you like for me to annule your existance?" i couldnt answer it!

Lastly, do i belive this will get better? Probably yes, after all effort and trust i put into God, and there are signs of improovment. But i still deal with complex negative mental obstacles every day and it makes me question if the effort is even worth it on top of it i dont trust myself and/or others.

 

[SkyWriting]

I've had this problem since maybe a year, more or less.

I am 17 year old guy who suffers from BPD, ADHD, as well as Avoidant Personality disorder. I also have big problems with anxiety.

Bpd and AvPD mainly came from childhood abuse, both in home and school since kindergarten threw elementary school.
My father is alchocholic and he was always away from home since i know for myself. My familiy relationships are always strained and weird and everyone secretly hates each other for some reason, from cousins to my mother and father, who where in fact "accidentally married" for sake of passport.
Today i go to high school and since then i wasnt abused anymore and i am not the "outcast", and altough i am not abused at house anymore, family relations make me want to live this place forever if i ever had a chance and never look back.
I suffer from emotional isolation for at least 3-4 years by now, and had no friends or adult or anyone i can confide to.
I kind of always tried to just forget about ever creating any relationships with other people, and to just concentrate on my dreams. Cause of this i always tought "If God takes away this dream from me i will prefer hell, and i will hate him for eternity"
I do realise this is completely unchristian, but thats only way i can see any importance in myself. I struggle with identity cause of all i mentioned, cause of being completely dead social life, and as such i try aligning my identity with my goals/dreams. Thus i always work hard despite the mental obstacles.
This philosophy of mine doesnt bring smile to my face, it never did. It just brings sence of identity and hope and some kind of self-fulfilment.
Actually that philosophy is just my last attempt to shed some light in my darkness, or at least precieved darkness if you will.
I suffer from suicidal tought/ideation for half a year by now. Only thing that stopped and still stops me is fear from hell.
All i had was my efforts of trying to shape my life in essence that might somehow get me out of the situation. I tried really hard for more than 2 years...
I fight my mental problems on daily basis, but still cant make, but still am isolated, but still didnt done anything significant...
Of course dont think that i "forgot about God", in fact its the opposite. I know that if i forget about God i will inevitably fail, cause i depend on God's mercy and his blessings.
I had huge problems with self-hatred, but somehow i am solving that, but i still hate life and even God in general. I too often wish to just never been born. My mother aborted 2 of my siblings, she wanted to abort me too but dad stopped her...
If she aborted me too!
Whenever i get something done, whenever i stabilize myself, i get anxiety and i feel like God is just about to "rise the bar" and to make it even harder. This feeling becomes so overwhelming, and i just tend to sabotage myself and undo my work endlessly!
I dont trust God, i always believe he is about to make things worse then better.
I wont ever ever tell my parents(whom i hate/dislike) about this or any "trusted adult", from personal experience they can only and only make it worse.
I often just hate myself or God, or everyone and everything cause i just dont seem to understand this. I feel forced to live threw this existance i never wanted, just cause i dont want to end up in hell cause of suicide.
I dont trust myself yet my salvation is based on my ability to brutally self-discipline myself.
When i fail disciplining myself i simply want to die and feel everytime more hopless than last time.
My self-isolation is mainly due to my Avoidant Personality, but i somehow try to fight and it got somewhat better altough my isolation still has no practical or any kind of reason to end.

I try my best, is there a result? Yes, but i still want to die, and hate my life and my existance. Altough if God would offer me now "Would you like for me to annule your existance?" i couldnt answer it!

Lastly, do i belive this will get better? Probably yes, after all effort and trust i put into God, and there are signs of improovment. But i still deal with complex negative mental obstacles every day and it makes me question if the effort is even worth it on top of it i dont trust myself and/or others.

Every minute you spend helping others, is a minute of cure.
This is the solution to your problems.
Focus on the big problems of other people.

 

[JacobKStarkey]

terranova, I am so sad you are hurting inside so badly.

I did, too, when I was your age and later on at times into my thirties.

Trust in God. Pray and meditate on and in his love and goodness. Pray always: in school, at church, in bed, in the gym.

Tell yourself (and mean it) that you cannot handle feeling this way much longer, so instead you commit yourself to not feeling that way. You will feel better immediately if you mean it.

Make sure you have a safety net of counselors and friends who will listen to you.

If anyone gives you advice that would make you want to hurt yourself or others, report that person immediately.

You can beat this. Serve other people regularly. Commit yourself to doing three good things daily for others. Look for opportunities to do good.

Check in here regularly and let us know how you are doing.

 

[Monk Brendan]

I've had this problem since maybe a year, more or less.

I am 17 year old guy who suffers from BPD, ADHD, as well as Avoidant Personality disorder. I also have big problems with anxiety.

Bpd and AvPD mainly came from childhood abuse, both in home and school since kindergarten threw elementary school.
My father is alchocholic and he was always away from home since i know for myself. My familiy relationships are always strained and weird and everyone secretly hates each other for some reason, from cousins to my mother and father, who where in fact "accidentally married" for sake of passport.
Today i go to high school and since then i wasnt abused anymore and i am not the "outcast", and altough i am not abused at house anymore, family relations make me want to live this place forever if i ever had a chance and never look back.
I suffer from emotional isolation for at least 3-4 years by now, and had no friends or adult or anyone i can confide to.
I kind of always tried to just forget about ever creating any relationships with other people, and to just concentrate on my dreams. Cause of this i always tought "If God takes away this dream from me i will prefer hell, and i will hate him for eternity"
I do realise this is completely unchristian, but thats only way i can see any importance in myself. I struggle with identity cause of all i mentioned, cause of being completely dead social life, and as such i try aligning my identity with my goals/dreams. Thus i always work hard despite the mental obstacles.
This philosophy of mine doesnt bring smile to my face, it never did. It just brings sence of identity and hope and some kind of self-fulfilment.
Actually that philosophy is just my last attempt to shed some light in my darkness, or at least precieved darkness if you will.
I suffer from suicidal tought/ideation for half a year by now. Only thing that stopped and still stops me is fear from hell.
All i had was my efforts of trying to shape my life in essence that might somehow get me out of the situation. I tried really hard for more than 2 years...
I fight my mental problems on daily basis, but still cant make, but still am isolated, but still didnt done anything significant...
Of course dont think that i "forgot about God", in fact its the opposite. I know that if i forget about God i will inevitably fail, cause i depend on God's mercy and his blessings.
I had huge problems with self-hatred, but somehow i am solving that, but i still hate life and even God in general. I too often wish to just never been born. My mother aborted 2 of my siblings, she wanted to abort me too but dad stopped her...
If she aborted me too!
Whenever i get something done, whenever i stabilize myself, i get anxiety and i feel like God is just about to "rise the bar" and to make it even harder. This feeling becomes so overwhelming, and i just tend to sabotage myself and undo my work endlessly!
I dont trust God, i always believe he is about to make things worse then better.
I wont ever ever tell my parents(whom i hate/dislike) about this or any "trusted adult", from personal experience they can only and only make it worse.
I often just hate myself or God, or everyone and everything cause i just dont seem to understand this. I feel forced to live threw this existance i never wanted, just cause i dont want to end up in hell cause of suicide.
I dont trust myself yet my salvation is based on my ability to brutally self-discipline myself.
When i fail disciplining myself i simply want to die and feel everytime more hopless than last time.
My self-isolation is mainly due to my Avoidant Personality, but i somehow try to fight and it got somewhat better altough my isolation still has no practical or any kind of reason to end.

I try my best, is there a result? Yes, but i still want to die, and hate my life and my existance. Altough if God would offer me now "Would you like for me to annule your existance?" i couldnt answer it!

Lastly, do i belive this will get better? Probably yes, after all effort and trust i put into God, and there are signs of improovment. But i still deal with complex negative mental obstacles every day and it makes me question if the effort is even worth it on top of it i dont trust myself and/or others.

Do you have a counsellor at your school?

That might be a source of help.

Have you discussed these issues with your doctor?

 

[SoCalDisciple]

I'm not a therapist, however based on what you wrote I would urge you to try and never be alone, and to always be around other people, preferably in service of others, as well as allowing yourself to be served by others as well - something we forget often, because many of us like to pretend we have no needs .

Godspeed on your recovery.

 

[Pethesedzao]

I've had this problem since maybe a year, more or less.

I am 17 year old guy who suffers from BPD, ADHD, as well as Avoidant Personality disorder. I also have big problems with anxiety.

Bpd and AvPD mainly came from childhood abuse, both in home and school since kindergarten threw elementary school.
My father is alchocholic and he was always away from home since i know for myself. My familiy relationships are always strained and weird and everyone secretly hates each other for some reason, from cousins to my mother and father, who where in fact "accidentally married" for sake of passport.
Today i go to high school and since then i wasnt abused anymore and i am not the "outcast", and altough i am not abused at house anymore, family relations make me want to live this place forever if i ever had a chance and never look back.
I suffer from emotional isolation for at least 3-4 years by now, and had no friends or adult or anyone i can confide to.
I kind of always tried to just forget about ever creating any relationships with other people, and to just concentrate on my dreams. Cause of this i always tought "If God takes away this dream from me i will prefer hell, and i will hate him for eternity"
I do realise this is completely unchristian, but thats only way i can see any importance in myself. I struggle with identity cause of all i mentioned, cause of being completely dead social life, and as such i try aligning my identity with my goals/dreams. Thus i always work hard despite the mental obstacles.
This philosophy of mine doesnt bring smile to my face, it never did. It just brings sence of identity and hope and some kind of self-fulfilment.
Actually that philosophy is just my last attempt to shed some light in my darkness, or at least precieved darkness if you will.
I suffer from suicidal tought/ideation for half a year by now. Only thing that stopped and still stops me is fear from hell.
All i had was my efforts of trying to shape my life in essence that might somehow get me out of the situation. I tried really hard for more than 2 years...
I fight my mental problems on daily basis, but still cant make, but still am isolated, but still didnt done anything significant...
Of course dont think that i "forgot about God", in fact its the opposite. I know that if i forget about God i will inevitably fail, cause i depend on God's mercy and his blessings.
I had huge problems with self-hatred, but somehow i am solving that, but i still hate life and even God in general. I too often wish to just never been born. My mother aborted 2 of my siblings, she wanted to abort me too but dad stopped her...
If she aborted me too!
Whenever i get something done, whenever i stabilize myself, i get anxiety and i feel like God is just about to "rise the bar" and to make it even harder. This feeling becomes so overwhelming, and i just tend to sabotage myself and undo my work endlessly!
I dont trust God, i always believe he is about to make things worse then better.
I wont ever ever tell my parents(whom i hate/dislike) about this or any "trusted adult", from personal experience they can only and only make it worse.
I often just hate myself or God, or everyone and everything cause i just dont seem to understand this. I feel forced to live threw this existance i never wanted, just cause i dont want to end up in hell cause of suicide.
I dont trust myself yet my salvation is based on my ability to brutally self-discipline myself.
When i fail disciplining myself i simply want to die and feel everytime more hopless than last time.
My self-isolation is mainly due to my Avoidant Personality, but i somehow try to fight and it got somewhat better altough my isolation still has no practical or any kind of reason to end.

I try my best, is there a result? Yes, but i still want to die, and hate my life and my existance. Altough if God would offer me now "Would you like for me to annule your existance?" i couldnt answer it!

Lastly, do i belive this will get better? Probably yes, after all effort and trust i put into God, and there are signs of improovment. But i still deal with complex negative mental obstacles every day and it makes me question if the effort is even worth it on top of it i dont trust myself and/or others.

The same Spirit that raised Christ Jesus from the dead...

 

[JesusLover19]

Hi, Terranova.

I am sorry to hear that you have had a very difficult time in life. You are right about NOT committing suicide because it will lead to hell. You made the right choice. .
The bible said no murders shall enter the kingdom of heaven. Why? Because killing another person, including yourself, is an act of murder (if self, then self-murder).

There was a video on YouTube that I watched recently where this girl was about to commit suicide and she was in the act of doing it. She asked the Lord where she'll be heading if she commits suicide: the Lord said to her He's the Giver of life. To cut off your life is to depart from His presence forever. The girl called 911 so they can save her because she took some pills. She got the answer: committing suicide is a sin. Sin leads a person to hell.
Video link:

I just prayed for you. I create this account just for you. I came across your post and I don't believe in coincidences. There's a reason why the Lord placed me and others here: we are living in a sinful world where there's no love. That's why Jesus came to this earth to die for us. Jesus is our only hope.

Please continue hanging onto Jesus. I've talked to people who don't have a house (they live in their cars), and I even saw homeless people. Somebody had cancer, etc. Lots of sufferings and all kinds of problems.
Everyone has a problem. Just take it one day at a time it Jesus, ok?
But know this: you are still loved by Jesus and you are still loved by all of us on here in the Christian community.
We love you and we love your soul .You are precious in the Lord's kingdom. You are precious in our eyes, too.

If you need to express yourself, write it on here, precious soul. If we are able to help, we will. But please, please, please I beg you and all of us on here beg you, don't ever take your life.

Love you, precious soul.

 

[Seadish]

Agreeing with Jesus lover I am truly sorry for all you are facing and to ad to above post, think of it this way, the evil one is very crafty every time you draw closer to Christ he will attack you harder. why? Because he knows you are going to do GREAT things with and for God! he wants to stop you yet God the most High will win hold on to Him remember you can see yourself getting stronger know that . I used to have the depression, I loved God and as much as I wanted to not bear this life ,every time I was in that moment I also knew how much I didn't really want to grieve him or my young son at the time. Every time I would get on my knees talk honestly with God ,bottle of pills in my hands. Guess who won? My life is know so joyful and I can see His many many blessings each day try to focus on your blessings read scripture on how God loves us and fights our battles .PLEASe talk to any adult at school. Do not try to do this by yourself. By the way life is very lonely people will let you down. Learn with Christ to love yourself and ty for talking and sharing with us I LOVE you you are beautifully and wonderfully made !!You can get through all of his and see what God has in store!!

 

[Pethesedzao]

Agreeing with Jesus lover I am truly sorry for all you are facing and to ad to above post, think of it this way, the evil one is very crafty every time you draw closer to Christ he will attack you harder. why? Because he knows you are going to do GREAT things with and for God! he wants to stop you yet God the most High will win hold on to Him remember you can see yourself getting stronger know that . I used to have the depression, I loved God and as much as I wanted to not bear this life ,every time I was in that moment I also knew how much I didn't really want to grieve him or my young son at the time. Every time I would get on my knees talk honestly with God ,bottle of pills in my hands. Guess who won? My life is know so joyful and I can see His many many blessings each day try to focus on your blessings read scripture on how God loves us and fights our battles .PLEASe talk to any adult at school. Do not try to do this by yourself. By the way life is very lonely people will let you down. Learn with Christ to love yourself and ty for talking and sharing with us I LOVE you you are beautifully and wonderfully made !!You can get through all of his and see what God has in store!!

Oh that I had the wings of a dove and fly away to be at rest.

 

[A_Thinker]

Lastly, do I believe this will get better? Probably yes, after all effort and trust i put into God, and there are signs of improvement. But i still deal with complex negative mental obstacles every day and it makes me question if the effort is even worth it on top of it i don't trust myself and/or others.

Keep allowing God to do His restorative work. You've got quite a bit to recover from.

You've made it this far. Hang in there. You don't want to miss the best time of your life, though it might take a bit longer to get there ...

 

[Gregory95]

My friend my brother turn to Christ I had a long post typed up but when I switched pages to find a verse it disappeared I will give you my phone number and we can talk/text if you wish I was in the same boat and will give my testimony if you wish as well as Scripture that will help you. accept Christ pray and read the Gospel daily with Christ you can overcome

 

[Gregory95]

I've had this problem since maybe a year, more or less.

I am 17 year old guy who suffers from BPD, ADHD, as well as Avoidant Personality disorder. I also have big problems with anxiety.

Bpd and AvPD mainly came from childhood abuse, both in home and school since kindergarten threw elementary school.
My father is alchocholic and he was always away from home since i know for myself. My familiy relationships are always strained and weird and everyone secretly hates each other for some reason, from cousins to my mother and father, who where in fact "accidentally married" for sake of passport.
Today i go to high school and since then i wasnt abused anymore and i am not the "outcast", and altough i am not abused at house anymore, family relations make me want to live this place forever if i ever had a chance and never look back.
I suffer from emotional isolation for at least 3-4 years by now, and had no friends or adult or anyone i can confide to.
I kind of always tried to just forget about ever creating any relationships with other people, and to just concentrate on my dreams. Cause of this i always tought "If God takes away this dream from me i will prefer hell, and i will hate him for eternity"
I do realise this is completely unchristian, but thats only way i can see any importance in myself. I struggle with identity cause of all i mentioned, cause of being completely dead social life, and as such i try aligning my identity with my goals/dreams. Thus i always work hard despite the mental obstacles.
This philosophy of mine doesnt bring smile to my face, it never did. It just brings sence of identity and hope and some kind of self-fulfilment.
Actually that philosophy is just my last attempt to shed some light in my darkness, or at least precieved darkness if you will.
I suffer from suicidal tought/ideation for half a year by now. Only thing that stopped and still stops me is fear from hell.
All i had was my efforts of trying to shape my life in essence that might somehow get me out of the situation. I tried really hard for more than 2 years...
I fight my mental problems on daily basis, but still cant make, but still am isolated, but still didnt done anything significant...
Of course dont think that i "forgot about God", in fact its the opposite. I know that if i forget about God i will inevitably fail, cause i depend on God's mercy and his blessings.
I had huge problems with self-hatred, but somehow i am solving that, but i still hate life and even God in general. I too often wish to just never been born. My mother aborted 2 of my siblings, she wanted to abort me too but dad stopped her...
If she aborted me too!
Whenever i get something done, whenever i stabilize myself, i get anxiety and i feel like God is just about to "rise the bar" and to make it even harder. This feeling becomes so overwhelming, and i just tend to sabotage myself and undo my work endlessly!
I dont trust God, i always believe he is about to make things worse then better.
I wont ever ever tell my parents(whom i hate/dislike) about this or any "trusted adult", from personal experience they can only and only make it worse.
I often just hate myself or God, or everyone and everything cause i just dont seem to understand this. I feel forced to live threw this existance i never wanted, just cause i dont want to end up in hell cause of suicide.
I dont trust myself yet my salvation is based on my ability to brutally self-discipline myself.
When i fail disciplining myself i simply want to die and feel everytime more hopless than last time.
My self-isolation is mainly due to my Avoidant Personality, but i somehow try to fight and it got somewhat better altough my isolation still has no practical or any kind of reason to end.

I try my best, is there a result? Yes, but i still want to die, and hate my life and my existance. Altough if God would offer me now "Would you like for me to annule your existance?" i couldnt answer it!

Lastly, do i belive this will get better? Probably yes, after all effort and trust i put into God, and there are signs of improovment. But i still deal with complex negative mental obstacles every day and it makes me question if the effort is even worth it on top of it i dont trust myself and/or others.

My friend i lived in darkness for a long time my hatred lead me to become a national socialist my depression for feeling unloved no/ friends my entire childhood ate me up suicide plaged my mind I would hold a loaded gun to my head daily in front of the mirror crying wishing I could pull the trigger but good news I accepted Christ and by reading the Gospel I truly found. Christ my torment lasted from about 13-22 with Christ nothing is impossible AND the suffering we face in this world do not even compare to the glory to come accept Christ study the Gospel pray daily to see His power
Please read
Romans 8:18
Romans 8:31-39
John 14:6
Matthew 4:4
John 3:1-21
These are just to give you proper outlook you will have to study the more you study the more notes you take the better I personally would start at John then read till revelations then restart at Matthew and just keep going you can not read the Word of God to much

Just know Christ and the whole family of Christ are here for you and love you my brother I sent you a PM and am here for you 24/7

 

[Pethesedzao]

Keep allowing God to do His restorative work. You've got quite a bit to recover from.

You've made it this far. Hang in there. You don't want to miss the best time of your life, though it might take a bit longer to get there ...