i feel so lost

ryewolf

Member
Aug 27, 2017
19
20
36
Tampa
✟20,042.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
In Relationship
I am struggling big time when it comes to dating. I'm caught between taking "good enough" or holding out for what might be God's best with the risk of not finding that or maybe having too high of expectations.

I (33F) have been dating on and off for a few years with no luck. I struggle a little with finding people to date because I have never had a desire for children. I would rather spend my time/energy serving with my future husband than child rearing.

Well I finally found someone (31M) who said he is okay with not having kids. He is very kind and caring, loves the Lord and I felt safe with him. I'm a fairly insecure person when it comes to my looks, yet with him I felt comfortable because he just was so nice and didn't seem shallow. He never pushed me physically and is okay about waiting for marriage to have sex.

However, there were several red flags that came up that concerned me. He has never lived on his own (lives with parents), has no passion for his job but no plan for changing it (wants a better job but no clear vision), dropped out of college, doesn't have any savings, is not in community (no small groups, has just one Christian friend but mostly hangs out with non-Christian friends)...I just don't feel that he would be a strong leader as a husband. I feel that I would take the lead financially, spiritually, etc because I'm at a more advanced phase in my life as he is (not sure how else to say this?). I make more money, have savings for emergencies and am planning on buying a house soon; I'm in several small groups and know the importance of community. I'm also very ambitious and driven. The thing is that he had some setbacks due to a previous relationship, which is partly why he's in the position he's in now, though I suspect that there is also some level of comfort in living with his parents making him not be in a rush to move out.

In addition to those differences, he is pretty quiet. I like to joke and laugh a lot and I found that there were crickets when I would try to make jokes and sometimes when I would say something he would not respond to it but just completely change the subject. I think he is a little socially awkward and unsure of himself, which is okay as none of us our perfect, but I am not very drawn to that kind of personality and I wouldn't say we have a blast together when we hang out, it's just okay. I also am the one who mostly sparks up conversation topics, and when I would ask deep questions he would only ask me back about 50% of the time, making me wonder if he really cared to get to know me that well or if he's just shy.

I decided to break things off after a few months of dating because I just didn't see a clear vision of a future with him. He says he wants to move out this year but I am afraid he won't. I kept thinking about how I wish he were more ambitious, driven and responsible. But was this a mistake to end things? I have prayed over and over for guidance from God because I was feeling unsure of things, but I have been feeling so down ever since letting him go, thinking that I will probably never find someone else as kind and who is okay with not having kids. I also know that I can be a little bit prideful (something I am working on in prayer with God), and so I'm wondering if all of those "red flags" are really that or just me expecting someone to be on "my level".

But even if everything else was perfect, should we be with someone who we just feel "okay" with? Where 90% of the time I would be the one bringing up things to talk about? We also don't really share many interests when it comes to conversation, though we do like some of the same activities. I just want a responsible/established man who will love me, lead me, and be faithful to me, who I can have fun with and will make me laugh. Looks, salary etc are not that important to me (I mean I want to be physically attracted of course but I don't expect a guy to be ripped or a millionaire, I just want to be interested in them and have things to talk about). But is someone being kind and loving the Lord enough? Should I ignore the rest and see if he'll take me back? Or maybe I am supposed to be alone forever.

I just feel so lost about what to do.
 

Sophrosyne

Let Your Light Shine.. Matt 5:16
Jun 21, 2007
163,213
64,206
In God's Amazing Grace
✟895,522.00
Faith
Christian
I think it is one thing to settle for second best when you can't get everything you wanted but this guy sound like he is way down the list of what you desire in a man. Lowering your standards too much means either you have them unrealistically high to begin with or are becoming desperate and not thinking clearly. I think if you married this guy in less than 5 years you will likely regret it and may end up talked into having children as a way for him to keep you married to him even and that will also be another forever mess in your life as the right man comes along and you are no longer the right women for him due to him not wanting children.
 
Upvote 0

bèlla

❤️
Supporter
Jan 16, 2019
20,482
17,642
USA
✟933,592.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
In Relationship
I believe a shared ethos is important. You need to be aligned in faith, dreams, and lifestyle. When one person desires more than the other problems arise. Dissatisfaction and complaints usually follow.

When the woman is a go-getter and the man isn't you're going to have issues. You're carrying the ball, the load, and everything else. If you want to wear the pants that works. But if you don't, how will you respect him?

His output needn't match your own. But he needs to pull his weight. That doesn't mean he's a slacker or bad person. Your ambition is the problem. He doesn't have that drive. Can you live with that?

Yours in His Service,

~bella
 
  • Like
Reactions: Sophrosyne
Upvote 0

DragonFox91

Well-Known Member
Dec 20, 2020
4,979
3,083
32
Michigan
✟212,496.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Republican
If you've been dating on & off, then seems like you're just not finding a good match. Keep trying.

I feel like most people (at least 30s & below) don't want kids, so that shouldn't be an issue finding someone who also doesn't.

But have you told him your desires for him, what you'd like to see out of him as in individual man in terms of his ambitions? Having him to change his personality might be a little harder. But ask yourself if you're trying your best to enjoy him b/c you may find your not content w/ any man's personality.
 
Upvote 0