I feel like this is exactly want I want God to know sometimes...

[Sword of the Lord]

This song:

This isn't a poor little ol' me post although it will read like it. It's just realism from the heart. Questions that always have generic answers. There's a lot of people who have gone through bad things, but I know I have personally been through so much worse than most people are capable of comprehending. I feel like I know pain on a different level than most. Therapy, psychiatry, and being open is only going so far. As well as prayer. I'm still a hollow shell. I want to know what god was thinking when he decided I need to be sexually abused for a decade. Starved and beat as a teenager, literally I was a skeleton. Locked in a room for most of my childhood. Sent off as an innocent kid in a horrible situation to go stay at a military school for 7 months and get worked over as of I was a bad kid who needed it. Why nobody ever helped me. Why I then became a drunk for a decade. Why on top of it all I developed Schizoaffective Bipolar Type and destroyed my life even more not knowing until recently it's been a problem for about 15 years. Why I ended up in jails and rehabs when I needed help. Why I ended up divorced and separated not only from the wife he said her gave me but also my kids. Why my son hates me for everything. Why I'm poor and struggling. Why I'm also physically ill with hyperuricemia and high blood pressure and palpitations. Why my mother hates me for telling on her husband and won't speak to me. Why none of my siblings will either for the same thing. Why my identity was stolen from me as a kid and my mom made me believe my step dad who was abusing me was my real dad until I was an adult and found out the truth about 16 years ago now. Why my step dad was never prosecuted or faced punishment for any of it despite reporting it many times from when I was a teen up until even 4 years ago. Why my mind is always a disaster and what I did to deserve to live in misery in my mind. Why the only real mother I ever had my was mother in law from my ex wife and as of almost a year ago she doesn't talk to me anymore after her daughter married again. Why I don't get to tell my kids goodnight. Why I think of my kids and they're just a 200 mile away memory 26 days out of 30. Why I don't feel the CPTSD but I'm told I suffer from it every day, and if I suffer from it that means something with it is partly why, at the very least, where I am today and for what reason because what did I do? Why he himself, God almighty, feels so far away at all times but I love him anyway and get humiliated and hated on in defense of his clear CLEAR word on certain issues. And so much more going on inside and that has happened that I can't even describe honestly. Why was I made to be destroyed? For what reason did her give me this life? I've grown tired of being alive but too scared to die.

 

[chevyontheriver]

This song:

This isn't a poor little ol' me post although it will read like it. It's just realism from the heart. Questions that always have generic answers. There's a lot of people who have gone through bad things, but I know I have personally been through so much worse than most people are capable of comprehending. I feel like I know pain on a different level than most. Therapy, psychiatry, and being open is only going so far. As well as prayer. I'm still a hollow shell. I want to know what god was thinking when he decided I need to be sexually abused for a decade. Starved and beat as a teenager, literally I was a skeleton. Locked in a room for most of my childhood. Sent off as an innocent kid in a horrible situation to go stay at a military school for 7 months and get worked over as of I was a bad kid who needed it. Why nobody ever helped me. Why I then became a drunk for a decade. Why on top of it all I developed Schizoaffective Bipolar Type and destroyed my life even more not knowing until recently it's been a problem for about 15 years. Why I ended up in jails and rehabs when I needed help. Why I ended up divorced and separated not only from the wife he said her gave me but also my kids. Why my son hates me for everything. Why I'm poor and struggling. Why I'm also physically ill with hyperuricemia and high blood pressure and palpitations. Why my mother hates me for telling on her husband and won't speak to me. Why none of my siblings will either for the same thing. Why my identity was stolen from me as a kid and my mom made me believe my step dad who was abusing me was my real dad until I was an adult and found out the truth about 16 years ago now. Why my step dad was never prosecuted or faced punishment for any of it despite reporting it many times from when I was a teen up until even 4 years ago. Why my mind is always a disaster and what I did to deserve to live in misery in my mind. Why the only real mother I ever had my was mother in law from my ex wife and as of almost a year ago she doesn't talk to me anymore after her daughter married again. Why I don't get to tell my kids goodnight. Why I think of my kids and they're just a 200 mile away memory 26 days out of 30. Why I don't feel the CPTSD but I'm told I suffer from it every day, and if I suffer from it that means something with it is partly why, at the very least, where I am today and for what reason because what did I do? Why he himself, God almighty, feels so far away at all times but I love him anyway and get humiliated and hated on in defense of his clear CLEAR word on certain issues. And so much more going on inside and that has happened that I can't even describe honestly. Why was I made to be destroyed? For what reason did her give me this life? I've grown tired of being alive but too scared to die.

There are victim souls who have been heavily afflicted. I don’t know why. You appear to be one. We all have out crosses to bear and some of ours are heavy ones. Why can’t those crosses all be light? Why is mine so heavy? Why is yours heavier? I do know God loves me when I seem most befuddled.

 

[pdudgeon]

Agreed. Few people are really aware of how bad Life can be, much less have to go thru life like that.
But there are four things to remember:
1. As bad as things are, God is still in control.
2. No one will get away scot free from the torture, pain, and misery that they have afflicted upon you.
3. You will be avenged. God will see to it.
4. Everything that you have lost down here on Earth will be restored to you in Heaven.
5. For what you have suffered, God will raise you up, heal you, and set you on the firm ground of His love. SELAH!

 

[Macchiato]

Atleast you still love God. I myself am at a cross roads. So at the very least be proud of yourself for still loving God despite going through hell. I don't know how to do that.