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I feel like I'm losing my mind

Discussion in 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder' started by MaddKat, Jan 25, 2021.

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  1. MaddKat

    MaddKat Member

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    Buckle up, this is gonna be a long one.

    So I've been applying for jobs out of state for awhile. Months go by without much of a peep. Then, last week, I get, in the span of 4 days, a phone call, an interview, a reference check, and a tentative job offer. In a state I'd like to go to, in a job I really want. Dream come true, right?

    Well, it should be. Except I feel like I don't deserve it. I've been replaying my interview over and over, convinced I lied during it. I've been struggling to remember the questions, and what I said in reply, because it's kind of all a blur. I know I sent a follow up email clarifying one thing, and I thought that was the end of it, the end of my brain freaking out.

    Nope. Still mulling it over. Now I'm fixated on another part, where I'm positive I implied I'm the only one who works on a specific task at work (a big information gathering task that helps the office run smoother--i'm positive I said that its my job to do that--which it is, but I have help from another gal, but I believe I implied I do all of it). And I described it as complicated, which it WAS, but we changed our process so it's easier now.

    I KNOW I'm qualified for this job. But I feel like I need to decline this tentative offer, because if I don't, and I get the job, my life will be based on a lie. I've been in a panic since Friday, I'm exhausted, and I feel sick.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2021
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  2. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints! Supporter

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    You need to address your OCD, not try to answer or appease it (in its persistent accusations)...
     
  3. MaddKat

    MaddKat Member

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    How do you mean?
     
  4. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints! Supporter

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    Your appropriateness for your job is being challenged by your scrupulosity. Instead of arguing with an insatiable trait of your OCD, treat your OCD. If you already have a doctor, have him or her make necessary adjustments to your treatment.

    Some churches are better at dealing with mental illnesses than others are, too.
    The Church & Mental Illness...
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2021
  5. Dendy

    Dendy Newbie

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    If you said anything on an interview that was not true, it was accidental and anyone you work for should understand that. Most likely nothing will ever come of anything you said that you are worried about. I know it's difficult but try not to worry.
     
  6. MaddKat

    MaddKat Member

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    I just feel like my job selection is based on a bunch of things I said that were mostly true, just fancied up a bit too much. Not a blatant lie about anything (except when I forgot that my supervisor helped me out with a project and I said I did it myself--it was my job to get caught up on a bunch of stuff and she helped me). But I've been playing my interview over and over so many times, and nothing really stands out as a drastic lie. Like I didn't go saying I'm the supervisor.

    And yet I feel like I can't accept the position. Because I have a habit of kind of BSing things (about little things). I can't think of a good example, but like "I'll send this to the doctor" when I actually send it to the medical assistants who MIGHT send it to the doctor if it really needs to be looked at by him/her. And even though I've gone over my interview so many times and can't think of anything super major, I feel like my life would be based on a lie if I took that job and I'll go to hell. But if I were to try to explain this to anyone I'd sound like a crazy person, because I feel like no one in their right mind would turn down a job offer over something like this. I feel like I'm over thinking it, but I can't stop!
     
  7. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints! Supporter

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    I believe that you do.
    Is any amount of "mulling it over" going to make that feeling go away...?

    Either accept its declaration about you to be true (and quit looking for work, now), or make it shut up.
     
  8. MaddKat

    MaddKat Member

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    I kind of like your style. You remind me of my mom when I was having some obsessions about writing, and her response was "man up and write!" Felt like the meme of Batman slapping Robin, but it was effective.

    Okay. I know I can't force it to shut up, but I can dodge it. I'm going to go do something else/think about something else. Because I don't think it's wise to stop looking for work because of this, or decline the offer...right?
     
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  9. Sabertooth

    Sabertooth Repartee Animal: Quipping the Saints! Supporter

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    You can force it to shut up.

    Short term: doctor & medicine.
    Long term: a church that is effective in that kind of ministry.
     
  10. Mari17

    Mari17 Well-Known Member

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    This sounds so much like what I do! ESPECIALLY if there's something I really want, I overthink it and feel like I don't deserve it. It sounds like you know you're overthinking it, but the anxiety you feel makes you unable to let it go. I think "dodging it," or ignoring it despite the fact that it makes you anxious, is a good strategy. :) How have you been doing with that?
     
  11. MaddKat

    MaddKat Member

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    Well enough that I'm not shaking with anxiety and I have my appetite back, but at the same time, whenever I talk about the job offer with my mom (she doesn't know about this issue) or pray about it I just feel guilty. But at the same time, I think it would be silly to throw in the towel and decline the offer (there's a lot of paperwork so it's not like I'm sitting on it and its gonna time out, there's just a lot of steps to do before I could get a real offer).
     
  12. Mari17

    Mari17 Well-Known Member

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    It sounds to me like it might be a compulsion to give it up....which means that keeping it might be the RIGHT thing to do?? ;) Do you have a trusted person in "real life" who you can go to with these dilemmas, and who can give you a good non-obsessive perspective? That can sometimes help a lot!
     
  13. MaddKat

    MaddKat Member

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    Yes and no; I can talk to my parents, but last time I talked with my mom about something very similar she got angry with me.

    My main issue (this keeps changing as I mull over different parts of the interview) is basically that I said I got us caught up on a project (I forgot that my supervisor helped, but I'm not too worried about that) and that I keep us caught up on it (no I don't, since I'm so busy now I have almost zero time to work on it and another gal has basically taken it over). I've posted about this issue on Reddit and in the Requests for Christian Advice on this forum, and the answers I got range from "the interviewers don't care to verify that" to "everyone exaggerates at some point." But I worry that by building myself up too much, I've taken the job away from someone else. But I can't know that for sure, and that might be borrowing trouble.

    Another weird thing is, thinking about this, about the prospect of taking this job, gives me so much anxiety that I feel like I've been electrocuted--because I feel like ny life would be based on a lie and I wouldn't deserve any good things that happen as a result of it. And I thought about withdrawing my application, and just telling my parents it was denied, and moving on. Hello: that would ALSO be a lie, yet THAT barely made me anxious at all. So... while I'm still very much worried about my little untruth during my interview, I'm starting to see there's at least some degree of irrationality to this. It's very hard to think straight.
     
  14. Mari17

    Mari17 Well-Known Member

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    I understand the feeling of being confused, AND feeling that electrifying anxiety! Life with OCD. LOL. Well, the bottom line is - you don't HAVE to accept the job. Even if it is your "dream job," or if others feel like you should accept it. If you really, truly feel uncomfortable with it, then it's completely your right to turn it down. Anyway, there's no such thing as a 'perfect job' (even though I used to think so!). Each job has its ups and downs, and if you don't accept this job, you'll quite likely find another which is a good fit for you. Do what your "sound mind" is telling you to do. Don't give up this job purely because of OCD, but don't feel like you must accept it either. Life is not perfect, and the decisions we make aren't perfect, and we don't have perfect dream futures - we just make the best decisions we can while asking God to lead us, and trust that He will continue working His plan out in our lives and hearts. Praying that you'll have wisdom - and peace! :)
     
  15. MaddKat

    MaddKat Member

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    I really, really want this, and my "sound mind" is kind of leaning towards "stop being neurotic and take the stupid job." I don't want to rationalize any wrongdoing, but I'm starting to think that none of the interviewers care that much about what I said, and that I did manage to present myself overall as a good candidate. I'm not afraid of the job itself, or the move to another state; I'm just afraid of building my life on a falsehood. But... I don't know if, in this specific situation, that it's something I need to "fix." (I hate rationalizing stuff like this, feels like I'm ignoring my conscience.)
     
  16. Mari17

    Mari17 Well-Known Member

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    I understand the feeling! It's hard to pull back and look at the big picture when our OCD gets us hyper-analyzing the details. I wonder, if you give yourself a day or two to stop overthinking it, if the calm part of your brain might come up with a solution. I mean, really, your options are simple, right?
    1. The "lies" you told are big enough to give up the job for.
    2. The "lies" you told don't matter that much (e.g. overall you accurately portrayed your abilities and your capability to take on the job).
    3. The "lies" you told are something that you can make right by something that you say/do.

    I know perhaps I'm over-simplifying it. But basically, it comes down to action. Either you take the job, or you don't. Neither decision will be perfect. You won't feel perfectly happy if you take the job - you'll probably feel some discomfort because of this obsession. And you won't be perfectly happy if you don't take the job, because you will feel disappointed about turning down a position that seems like a good fit. Only you can decide if your concern about having lied is legitimate enough to warrant turning down the job, or if it would be going overboard to do so. In any case, God is still with you, and still able to lead you and take care of you no matter what you decide; if you decide that your guilt is obsessive and take the job, He is able to help you work through the obsessive guilt; and if you decide that it's your real conscience prompting you to make things right or to give up the job entirely, He is able to work out another good plan for you. Perhaps you could consider taking some time to quiet your heart before Him and see what thoughts He brings to mind. Sometimes, from my experience, He shows us a way where we see no way, or gives our hearts a gentle nudge in a good direction. Praying for your wisdom and peace!
     
  17. MaddKat

    MaddKat Member

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    I read this Saturday, and then again today, and it makes sense. And I kinda told my brain to shut up about the whole thing. And then:
    My brain: okay but what about THIS?? *insert other thing about the job offer I was obsessing over but hadn't thought about for some time*
    Me: ...no. We're done here.

    Lol, obsessions are weird. I think its safe to say I'm taking the job (unless something weird happens outside of my control)
     
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  18. Mari17

    Mari17 Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for responding with this. It makes me happy. :)
     
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