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I feel like God/Jesus hates me.

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by MissMeZone87, Jul 20, 2015.

  1. MissMeZone87

    MissMeZone87 Newbie

    I need some sincere help and direction. I went through a really traumatic experience for 2 years. I have PTSD from it. Going through this turmoil, I had so much faith! I prayed and talked to Him daily. I always kept telling myself that He would help me through. Nothing could shake my faith then.

    This is strange that I had so much faith through the event, was removed from it and am now very apathetic.

    Late last year, I was removed from this situation. Then afterwards, the doubts about God’s love for me started to creep in. I had some setbacks in life and I became literally furious with God/Jesus. I was so mad at Him, that it scared me. I have never been that mad with anyone before. I was thinking to myself, I have been through all of this in my life (the 2 year traumatic event), I prayed through it, and now You are just going to leave and forget about me? Really, God? I felt like as much as I held on through that, He could help me more. My reasoning was, You are doing this to me again after our relationship.

    This year has been no different. I am not an atheist, I know God exists. However, I am apathetic toward Him now. Before my decline in faith, I repeatedly prayed and prayed and prayed for change. It seemed like it fell on death ears. There was no response. There is still no response. It has been almost a year since this traumatic experience ended and I am still in a troubling predicament. Granted my situation now is nowhere near the PTSD inducing trauma I went through, but still, I feel left out to dry.

    My current thought process is: perhaps I was created by Him just to be hated. Much like, Judas, the Pharaoh in Egypt, Jezebel, and Goliath to name a few. I feel like He couldn’t possibly care less about me anymore, He hasn’t answered any prayers. I just cannot bring myself to talk to Him anymore. About what? He has made it loud and clear where He stands in my life. Nowhere. Yet, how could He create me and knowing that He would not love me? I don’t know or understand.

    I spoke to other people of faith and they tell me to pray. Well, Biblically I cannot pray to Him if I have not faith in Him! That surely won’t work. And I surely have no faith or trust left.

    What do I do?

    *I promise I am not being snarky; however, Bible quotes aren’t helping. I know the Bible very well from my faith days. I was heavy into Biblical history, apologetics, archeology, devotions, discussion, etc.*
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. RC1970

    RC1970 post tenebras lux

    United States
    Perhaps the problem is not Gods failure to listen to you, but your failure to listen to Him. What does God owe you? What do you owe to God?
  3. StephanieSomer

    StephanieSomer Regular Member

    You mentioned that you have talked to others and told them about this. And, you are here telling us about this. You are angry with God. You said it yourself. Most people are actually fearful of telling God exactly WHAT they feel or think about Him. He knows what we think and feel. He wants us to express it to Him ourselves. If you're angry with God, tell Him so. Be explicit! Be expressive! Give all the details and justifications you can to express what you feel. It won't make Him leave you. He will listen. He will hear you out. It's important that you express everything that is in your heart directly to Him. If you feel like shouting, do so. If you feel like crying, do that. Don't ever withhold anything about what you feel or think about God from Him. He is greater than our feelings and thoughts. But, he can't reason with you about them unless they are brought out directly into the open, just between you and Him. It is in the moments of absolute honesty and openness that we hear Him. I will be praying for you. Don't give up.
  4. JCFantasy23

    JCFantasy23 In a Kingdom by the Sea. Staff Member Administrator Supporter CF Senior Ambassador Angels Team

    United States
    First of all, we have all gotten angry at God. At least most of us. It is a normal thing. And a lot of us have felt a distance from God for whatever reason. It is not real, He never leaves us. When the man I wanted to marry was killed, the first few days I did not feel God. It was my grief choking me as I prayed to Him. After I was baptized and had experienced my first communion, I then fell into another distance phase where it seemed I did not feel God the same. That has passed. I cannot explain it. There are different theories on it.

    For your situation, it sounds like a traumatic ordeal. A lot of times after trauma we go numb for awhile. Sometimes we get angrier easier at other people. Sometimes we feel less for people in general. My mom had severe PTSD when I was growing up. She had to cut herself off emotionally for her husband children for awhile to heal. It was hard on all of us but not something she could help.

    I don't think this means you love God less, but that perhaps a part of you has cut itself off and shut down. Maybe it is anger, maybe it's something you need to do to keep healing at the rate you are. The important thing is trust and to know this will pass. It WILL. You have survived the hard part, and you will keep healing with God. The healing with not be instant and it will be a journey of ups and downs in itself.

    As for God 'hating' you, no way. He called you in the first place, didn't he? Toxic emotions makes a toxic mind that comes up with all kinds of strange thoughts. I used to have mental illness. I even thought in my mind that maybe God created me as a suicide and this was the only way I could convince myself it may be okay to kill myself. It was not rational thinking but all sorts of things go through your mind when you are dealing with trauma.
  5. katerinah1947

    katerinah1947 Well-Known Member Supporter

    I am a PTSD veteran. Once I told God, that I was too old to be a soldier. A year and a half later, I was in the scariest engagement of my life. The point God made to me, is that you are never too old to be a soldier. I 67 years old.
    By the way hate and love are two sides of the same coin. The coin is called caring. Hate as we humans define it, is what expectations we had in the other person were not met. That dissapointment is called hate. Love for humans is when our expectations are met.
    The day I found out, how my PTSD, was handled by cops, and soldiers, and any and everyone who had this, it was a good day. I say, God set me up to learn this.
    In general nice people see or go through trauma, and they are bright enough and have imaginations sufficient to understand the situation. Those nice people want to stay nice afterwards. Never have I found a person with PTSD, who is not nice before, and nice afterwards.
    I will jump now, to the time when I put it all together that it is merely one older geezer with it, that talks to a newbie, but every 90 days, and he/she talks to the newbie in detail, about what cause their PTSD. Details help those with PTSD. Details are hurtful to those without PTSD.
    Now, when Jesus is not in your life, He is. When you don't notice Him, He is still there. And now ask yourself this, was Jesus possibly nice? Did Jesus possibly see violence? Was Jesus nice after he saw violence? If He went through violence, was He nice afterwards?
    Imagine the level of PTSD, that Jesus has.
    Yet, you have been given some of that, and now you might understand Him a little bit better. Is that a bad thing? And would a person who loves you, want you to know them? Did Mary see violence? Did she not share what it feels like and then have to live the rest of her life on earth, with those effects?
    The point for me with God, is never to give up, even if I have given up. It is to go back. In my case for you, it was at age 21, that after an armed robbery, one of only two of the more than 50 attempts that got through our defenses, in the South Side of Chicago, on 53rd and Kedzie Avenue, that we were no longer there. We were on vacation.
    The lovely staff seemed to think it appropriate to stage a holdup on a train. "This is a stick up. Boom. Boom." The gun went off. In all of my standoffs, no guns were fired. This time the gun, went off and if I had one, he would have been in trouble, but now instinctively, from me, and the other three of us.
    It was not a good day. A year or so later they stopped the practice, when a police officer like me, and like the other three of us, who have been through even the Chicago Race Riots, when we were told to open carry our weapons then, he almost killed the actor. I was told they stopped staging that kind of event, for the flash backs in some of us.
    For me it is more than weapons, and God is on your side, trust Him. It is many things, some of which are much too vile to put here on the open forum, as details are only shared with those who have gone through trauma, as it heals them a little, and hurts others, as I have already said.
    PTSD, makes you a parent to all other people who might be hurt like you were. You will get involved without knowing it, whenever an innocent person is being victimized like you were. That is your and every PTSD, person's benefit to society until you get old and die. It is always there.
    Yes, it never goes away. Yes, you will never be the same. Yes, you are hyper aware of your surroundings. Yes there are certain things you cannot do anymore. But, you and people like you, are loved by God, and very much.
    God is not my servant. If He was, I sure I would have messed up the world and everyone's life with my ideas on what is good and what is not.
    I work for God, and all of us do. You for the rest of your life, are a Reluctant (never volunteered for the service you are in) Warrior (Fight for what is right and just, especially in your specialty now, which is in the way you were hurt), for others to keep them from becoming you.
    Now, vicariously, in ways you can no longer live, watch others who can be that, who can live like that, for ones like you make their life possible. Your sacrifice of your innocence, is protecting others, while you hurt.
    Do, you see that? Do you possibly see that is what Jesus did? If, so do you think a God, would hate you, who allowed you to be like His Son, in any way? Yes, it hurts. Yes it is hard. Those who are like you in PTSD, are the soldiers, the policemen, the nurses, the raped, the verbally abused, the enslaved, who were nice to begin with and want to stay that way. You have much company, but it will take time for you to understand.
    A woman in Napolean's time, who wrote Corrine, or a title like that, handled things and Napolean in this way. No, she and Napolean did not get along. Napolean though told people, that she teaches people to think, who have never thought, and she reminds people how to think, who have forgotten how to think.
    This is her phrase from back then, in one of her books. "To understand all, is to forgive all." That is not from God, so know this. It is not like Proverbs which imparts wisdom, by God making sure His words have the correct effect on people, in time. Yet, it is a very useful tool to handle what you have been through. Seek to understand. It might help you.
    One day, a raped girl years later and I interfaced. I was in a room. All the other patients there had left. (I was essentially almost raped, even though in a male body, but I am also transgendered, so my feelings have always been those of a female, and I have always acted like one, even when I tried not to.) There were only three of us there. I have not idea why she stayed behind.
    She told us why she was there. "I don't know what happens. In June I get depressed." (She self admits herself into the minimum security section of the Psychiatric Hospital in town, each year at this time.) "It is not winter, so it is not Seasonal Adjustment Disorder. The only thing I can think of is my uncle raped me in that month, when I was 16." Your life ended, Your sexual life ended, You were frozen in that age sexually. She just stared at me. I went on. You have PTSD. (I guessed.) Something like that happened to me, and I am frozen sexually. I have never matured. I am frozen at that age. A friend of mine one day.....(I then shared a story with details, of friends and what they went through. I finished with, you feel bettter now, and you don't know why. Or, your relationships will be better and youi won't know why. )
    She left. I left. The Psychiatric Technician I was with, said she did not understand, what I had done. The next day, that patient left all smiles. She was number two like that. A boy with who only fought drug dealers, was screwed up that way. He left the next day also, in smiles, from a catatonic state, just the day before.
    Today, they teach PTSD, from one with it to a newbie, just like that. They also tell everyone, you can be a soldier, and you can have never served in combat, and you both can have PTSD.
    Now, on God, normally, no matter how difficult it is, just keep going through the motions, until you understand God better. And, the timing and what you are learning, is in God's hands.
    Plus, if you think God actually hates you, that is wonderful to me, as I know what that means.
    It means God loves you in the extreme.
    ...Mary., .... .
  6. Fortran

    Fortran Newbie

    If you believe God exists, and you have knowledge of the Bible, then you are clearly acquainted with the fact that God sent Jesus to die for sinners - out of love.

    As I am sure you know, Paul cried out to God to heal him of a "thorn in the flesh" but God did not. Did Paul think God hated him? No, he repeatedly spoke of God's love and grace. Why? Was it because his earthly life was a pleasant one? No.

    Honestly, from an outsider's perspective, based on all he suffered on earth, I think it might have been reasonable to say that it seemed as if God did not care for Paul very much. If an Almighty Being loved such a faithful servant, why did He not intervene in his life? The same concept applies to others have suffered for their faith.

    My point is this. Such individuals still believed God loved them because of hope - things unseen. I must admit, I severely struggle with believing in God's love. However, I hold that we believe in God's love out of faith, because we believe that God sent Jesus to die for our sins. We believe God loves us because of an unseen promise, not necessarily because we see His hand in this life.
  7. Quasicentennial

    Quasicentennial Member

    Faith = Christ x Love constant 2: joy and peace
    Satan hates our focus on Jesus with faith and would do everything in his power to replace faith with fear and deception that includes evil gossip, personal criticism especially from your own parents or other family members that ironically, give you a powerful memory as clear as daylight, as your intelligent brain reacts to pain, hurt or persecution:.
    This feeling of persecution is what I believe is our temporary flesh vessels or earth-born imperfect minds and bodies that are under the curse of old age, ever since Adam and Eve had sinned, our physical bodies that need constant care and hygiene because the world itself as we all know is Earth, also has to undergo a supernatural transformation, so that bad bacteria and viruses, besides all plants and animals species, together with the harshest conditions of both the weather and the environment, must also undergo supernatural control or subjection, so that once transformed by our Lord Jesus Christ in his Second Coming future victory return, besides our transformation with new genius-intelligent minds and measure-perfect bodies of Christ, these harmful microbes in their billions will "bow on their knees" as they see us new brothers and sisters of Christ as their royal highness, becoming as harmless as a fluff of dandelion:.
    The future is definitely very exciting as our faith is so focused on Christ's Second Coming victorious physical return that will rewrite history that was meant to be: tragedy-free and persecution-free, as if Adam and Eve ignored Satan's apple-eating request in the Garden of Eden.;''*";.
  8. Cloture

    Cloture Active Member

    Hello MissMe,

    What you're going through is much more common than you think. Please believe no one is here to judge you or cast aspersions about your life.

    Please don't take this as me being snarky. The biggest thing I see here is that your prayer time was dominated by demanding a change to your situation. Well, you got what you wanted, a physical removal of that situation, but now you're left to realize there are so many unresolved issues and continued oppressions, which points to the fact that your problems extended beyond that situation. When we pray for God's rescue, it must be joined with a cry for seeing what lesson we can learn from that season, allowing a part of our flesh to be crucified as we pass through, and exploring deep-seeded flaws within ourselves.

    It also must, must be joined with continued praise in His presence. If your prayer life becomes a boxing ring about your current situation, you will miss out on the true joy and strength that sustains your life, which is the beauty of His presence.

    I'm not going to spout off a Bible verse for you to read, but I want you to sit and think about a story you already know. Think about the Hebrews' exodus from Egypt. For 400 years, they asked when God would remove them from slavery. After multiple attempts to revolt away from Moses, they finally reached Mount Sinai, where they made themselves a golden statue. Their bodies had been removed from Egypt, but their hearts had not left.

    Your faith fails you now because for so long your faith was defined as a desire to change a situation. That was all the word faith came to be, came to mean -- an answer for one prayer. With that one prayer gone, faith no longer seems to have a purpose.

    I'd also encourage you to listen to a clip of Joyce Meyer discussing what she learned about spiritual warfare. She memorized all the Bible verses about rebuking bad spirits. Then she went around loudly rebuking until, as she puts it, her rebuker was worn out. None of it seemed to solve her problems. Then she got serious about studying the actions of Jesus when He encountered a bad spirit. No screaming, no pointing, no kabuki theater. He carried on with a quiet confidence because His presence drove out evil the way light removes darkness. It was a life-changing moment for her.

    Your problems are persisting because the root of them is unresolved. This is certainly not because God hates you. God made every effort to get through to Jezebel. God had plans for Esau until he traded God's will for a bowl of beans. It is God's will that NONE should perish.

    Don't ask God to make you a whitewashed tomb. You can't clean up your outer circumstances and expect that to make you feel better inside. It starts with having a personal friendship with Him regardless of your outer circumstance. Ask Him to search your heart, reveal the root of these problems, and provide emotional healing. Then a little sprout will grow inside of your mind, and that will start spilling out into your circumstance.

    Take comfort in knowing He loves you. You came to this forum because you feel Him striving to help you. You would not be here if you believed He didn't care. You know He does. Any time a prayer stops working, the answer is never that God changed, but that we need to change the POV of our prayer.

    Allow Him to change your heart, and I promise you He will.
  9. RC1970

    RC1970 post tenebras lux

    United States
    I think it is important to remember that God does not love us because of who we are, but instead He loves us because of who He is.

    Remember the Lords prayer says: "Thy will be done" not "my will be done".

    "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:28
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  10. Sophrosyne

    Sophrosyne Let Your Light Shine.. Matt 5:16

    I've found many people who claim to "feel" God's presence to them it can be like a drug and as long as they feel good to them God is there and real to them and they are seen by many as very outspoken and spiritual believers. It is when God withdraws himself and the "feeling" goes away that these people go through a withdrawal type situation in that they no longer "feel" like they were and to them they start blaming everyone and everything and like a drug addiction going cold turkey many can go through an ugly withdrawal. Personally as a child I sort of experienced this drug like connection with God on a more minimal level and enjoyed it but it mainly happened when I was around other believers in worship and when that worship setting was no longer available then it was akin to going from high speed internet to dialup speeds frustrating me to the point that I said... the heck with it all.
    An example of someone who had the right idea of God is Job who had a connection but when God withdrew himself he withstood the feeling and the ostracizing of others and kept believing. My relationship with God has me on a level of faith that can withstand feelings good and bad for the most part and in a way I'm sort of glad I don't have this euphoric feeling of God in my life for long periods of time that gets this addiction type withdrawal happening when it goes away.

    Faith isn't about feeling right and as sinners we feel wrong often when we feel both good and bad amongst God's presence. Faith believes God for who he is just and good regardless of where we are in life. At times I do get upset that God doesn't seem to be helping in my life enough but realize that he has helped way more than I could ever deserve and I'm thankful for any assistance he lends me and have faith that he will help me more and more in the times to come.
  11. sunshine456

    sunshine456 Newbie

    "Dear child not to be patronizing, but do you remember JOB?"

    "Do you recall all the saints and persecuted individuals that were flogged, imprisoned, beaten, mutilated, etc. and did they doubt or question their faith?"

    ....and the process of Peter's denial before/after the rooster crowed thrice?

    Many of us will have doubts, and usually as I have stated before......the enemy the devil is roaring around us like a lion; seeking whom it can devour. "What tactics or wiles of the enemy do you think is used? THINK!!

    Many times we are in that boat(remember peter)and seemingly from out of nowhere we fall in the water and our doubt in belief in what can be done or must be done tests us and our strength seems or appears to be soo weak in our flailing. We must have faith and in/through JESUS CHRIST the son of GOD most high we are to stand steadfast and remain vigilant even when like I stated before; the enemy the devil is roaring around us like a lion; seeking whom it can devour.

    Ephesians 6:10-20King James Version (KJV)
    10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

    11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

    12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

    13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

    14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

    15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

    16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

    17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

    18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;
    to defend and serve, and most importantly child LOVE; for this is the greatest of commandments and all others rest upon it.

    Faith, hope and love; the greatest of these three is LOVE!!

    "Whom is it that we are to LOVE?" Whom is our adoration, praise and true LOVE suppose to first and foremost encompass?

    In doubt...where is the representation of love lacking when we listen to our own understanding?

    "Lean not on your own understanding, but on the grace of GOD through his son JESUS CHRIST!"

    Praise be to GOD the heavenly father and his son lord JESUS CHRIST forever>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
  12. Catherineanne

    Catherineanne Well-Known Member

    United Kingdom
    God is incapable of not loving you.

  13. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    In Relationship
    He does love you but you dont love Him.
    The reason why He seem to have withdrawn is..cos youve turned away, not Him. he is waiting for YOU.

    Maybe theres some people you either need to forgive or let go of.
  14. Gentle Lamb

    Gentle Lamb "Let there be sheep!"

    It's always capable to pray to God, even if you do not have faith, because prayer is communication with God, and He is always there to listen. Express yourself to Him, make it known what you are feeling. There are times when I don't have much to say to God because the situation is just so frustrating or heartbreaking. At those moments, I literally just throw up my hands and say "What exactly do you want me to do?! What now?? I can't do anything, this situation is a mess, if you don't help me I don't know what I'll do." And I'm very hurt and angry when I say those things and He always responds. You've been through so much, no wonder you are feeling angry. You had to be angry about something, at someone, somewhere along the line. It doesn't sound like you are holding back forgiveness from anyone right now, so maybe your anger has all been turned on Him as He is directing you because He most certainly can handle your anger. Express it to Him, and ask Him to show you exactly what He wants you to do and how. Just because you are angry with Him doesn't mean that you should not try to communicate with Him. We work things out through communication, so communicate with Him, keep doing so. He promised never to leave or forsake you, He loves you more deeply than we can understand, so the question of Him hating you is totally crossed out. Not at all possible. Keep praying, keep communicating, let Him know. Scream, cry, let it go, lay it at His feet. In this moment, He is closer than you know. This is the hardest part of our walk with Him, when we just don't feel Him at all, but in this part, where we don't feel Him or think He's there, this is when He is carrying us, this is when He is molding us. So keep on keeping on, because He is most certainly doing His work in you, and the anger right now is part of it. Trust Him, He is not a man that He should lie, He will never fail you. Trust that He can handle your anger. God bless you.
  15. MissMeZone87

    MissMeZone87 Newbie

    I have received some helpful responses. Some not so helpful. I appreciate them all and thank you for your time. They all helped me to think. Unfortunately, after the writing of my post, I went through yet another setback. Honestly, I am tired of being resilient. I have been resilient my whole life. I did not grow up feeling safe inside a loving home. Like a lot of other people, things were very hard for me. Since 18 things have only gotten worse. Maybe, I am at the end of my rope. I’m stuck and I don’t have any hope left. Growing up, I always had hoped that things would get better. I’m physically and emotionally drained of wishing, wanting, and dreaming. Am I only to be a dreamer for the rest of my life? That is torture people. It truly is. Don’t tell me it’s not, unless you have been there. I don’t know what else to do. If God/Jesus don’t want you to succeed, you won’t.
  16. MissMeZone87

    MissMeZone87 Newbie

    I appreciate that someone understands. I was brought up believing that depression was a sin, because you are not trusting or having faith. Look at me know. The main thing is that I am tired of being resilient. I have been resilient my whole life and I am tired. Why can't something ever go right? Why must it all be a struggle? I am not exaggerating...my whole life! I look at people on TV, self-proclaimed atheists. They believe that they are happy, they have tons of money, friends (which I don't really have), close family (which I don't really have), spouses (nada for me), grew up in great homes. Why does He continue to bless them? I have been following Him a long time and I have battles each day. I'm exhausted from fighting for something I can't feel. The difference now and then, is that I no longer have any hope that anything will ever change. I can't take this all of my life, I'm not strong enough anymore. I'm in hell now.
  17. katerinah1947

    katerinah1947 Well-Known Member Supporter

    I have more than been there. That is the quick response. I will do a longer one.
    ...Mary., .... .
  18. katerinah1947

    katerinah1947 Well-Known Member Supporter

    How's this. I blocked all of my childhood memories out because of an abusive situation that did not get resolved by anyone but God, but when I was almost 60 years old.
    I was born in 1947, hence the 1947 in my online name.
    ...Mary. .... .
  19. katerinah1947

    katerinah1947 Well-Known Member Supporter

    I am 67 now. It wasn't till I was 59 that anything started to be nice. Eventually, I had to face other issues. Hang in there, you must.
    Not, only have I had to do, 55 or so years of civilian combat, but the effects on me are so overwhelming, there are days, I don't think I can go on one more minute. Other days are better. Recently after battling a Narcissist online and winning, I am still recovering.
    For 26 years I was imprisoned by an abuser like the one you are dealing with. It took me that long to figure it out.
    I gave up my BSEE, to some people so they could be better. What I go out of it, and it's not bad, is liking that everyone else in this world counts, but me.
    I have never had a good relationship, till I was almost 60 years old, that is when someone asked me to marry Him. By then though, I was so fed up with failed and broken relationships, that I was not going to say, yes, unless I was certain that I would not ruin this guy's life. And if I told you more, you would not believe that it still took me till the third time, to say YES! It did though, I did not want to ruin His life.
    I could love no human, since I was born almost, till the time I reached 58 years old. I tried and tried. I just didn't love. I couldn't love. I was broken.
    ...Mary., .... .
  20. katerinah1947

    katerinah1947 Well-Known Member Supporter

    Then one day much before being able to like, which tuned to love, and the Agape kind then became larger, to what I call LOVE now, I was tasked with protecting someone. It was my daughter from that horrid marriage, that was always flawed, by a person exactly like you were married to.
    What turned my life around, was always asking God.
    Even God was a terribly long haul. I was born into a religion, but never could believe it, nor in God without proof. In seventh grade, I was asked if I belived in God. NO, not without proof. I also included in that no, the dogma of the church I was born into. The Roman Catholic Church.
    Forty years later, to save my daughter from a cult, it turned out, I learned a whole bunch about God to combat them. I actually proved the Bible was Real, and since it talks about God, I knew God was real.
    My life is so hard, that 80 percent of population for just one of my problems, think about suicide. And I have more than one category like that. The one I gave you is the highest. 40% of that group actually attempt suicide, and a full 30% are sucessful at it. That is how hard that issue is.
    My life has always been that way, and I counsel PTSD folks, that the sytem misses, and it works, as I know how, and I have PTSD, from multiple sources, one of which was my marriage partner of 26 years.
    God has always been there, don't ever give up on Him. Don't. You will be wrong. Also, on a religious profession. I wanted one. God, it turns out did not want me to have one, and He had a darn good reason for it.
    I have been stopped from every attempt at becoming a religious person. Every attempt. The first one, I was totally accepted by all the staff. They were even sure of my calling. The day came to start, to join, and I was stuck with things that never happen normally, in a foreign country too long.
    Even before I wanted to quit work, and join. Their organization, told me God doess not work that way. I have been stopped by God, at least five times, and in the end, it was getting obvious that it was him.
    I am capable of running five to six corporations. God made sure that did not happen.
    At first when I was younger, I never suspected God, as I did not even know if He was real or not. Then it became obvious.
    I can go on, and on and on. Yes, God and I have been there. Tonight, I am sick. I was disabled for Idiopathic Hypersomnia, in 2008, or so. It was just short of my 62nd birthday. Somehow, God, I am not in a foreign country trying to live off a meager SS check, and my savings. God did that, and I was scared to death at the time, plus fully accepting of dying by starvation. You see, I also have no humans to help me in this life. I am alone that way.
    So, yes, I know what you go through, and I am transgendered also. Try living with that. I have no chance for a normal life. None. There is more, but if it weren't for God, I would be gone long ago.
    ...Mary., .... .