Hi all,
My husband passed away in June 2018, then my dad died in June 2019, and my mother unexpectedly passed last month. My late husband and I also lost our firstborn child in 2008.
My extended relatives live out of state, so this feeling of isolation and loneliness in grief is a bit more magnified since my siblings and I have lost the only matriarch and patriarch that we grew up around. I feel so badly for my 4 living children, and to be honest, I feel just as sad as they do. I always thought my husband would be there for me when my parents died, but obviously that’s not the case. I know God is there, but I meant in the human sense. I try to immerse myself in my maternal role and be there for my kids, but there is no human rock for me anymore since my husband and my parents are now gone. I wasn’t expecting this until I was older (I’m 34, my kids are 9, 8, 6, and 2).
Please pray for my babies and for me to be a better mother. And please pray that God has or will find another man in mind for us sometime, to bring extra joy and a sense of stability etc to our family.
Bonnie, I am sorry to hear all of this. My heart hurts for you; I can’t even begin to imagine the hurt and sadness you’ve been feeling these past years and to have lost so many loved ones in such a short period of time.
I would like to share a bit of my story. While it is nothing compared to yours, my wife left me last year for another man. She left me because I’d been suffering from severe anxiety and depression throughout most of my 20s that we had to weather together for many years. And she told me while she could see I was Finally getting better due to God and counseling, she didn’t feel anything for me anymore. She just felt numb and tired of struggling with me. It was so hard. Having the woman who id been with for 9 years that I thought I’d be with forever leave me, selling our house, our pets had to be given away, and in no time I went from being married, having a house, pets, and thinking about kids to living on my own for the first time ever and wondering if I’d ever be married or have kids again. It felt like a death to me.
Again, I don’t think I’ve gone through anything compared to what you have gone through, but I wanted you to know my background, and, in some small sense, I can understand some of the hurt you are going through.
God has been my rock throughout it all. Through the mental health issues, the divorce, the pain, the loneliness, and the feelings of “what if I never marry again and never have children”, he has been my comforter and friend. There is a comfort and peace that God gives that truly enables us to rise above our hurts and the pain of sin in this world. It’s one that nothing in this world can fill.
Also, know that it is not wrong to grieve. King David went through a season of grieving. He had three sons who died. His wife was assaulted. His daughter had been raped. He had to flee his kingdom and was being hunted by his enemies. Here were some of the things he said:
“Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me? Return, O Lord, and rescue me. Save me because of your unfailing love. For the dead do not remember you. Who can praise you from the grave? I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief;”
Psalms 6:2-7
“How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?”
Psalms 13:2
“Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. I am scorned by all my enemies and despised by my neighbors— even my friends are afraid to come near me. When they see me on the street, they run the other way. I am ignored as if I were dead, as if I were a broken pot. I have heard the many rumors about me, and I am surrounded by terror. My enemies conspire against me, plotting to take my life.”
Psalms 31:9-13
One thing I have learned through it all that I would recommend to you is this - pour yourself out to Jesus and seek him harder than you ever have. He will be there to comfort you in your pain. There have been times in my life where I didn’t think I could feel anything but despair, but I sought God, and he comforted me and gave me a peace that was beyond anything I could have ever thought possible in the midst of such a difficult season.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalms 34:18
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalms 147:3
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4 NIV
God Bless
Jordan