I Feel Like An Orphan

[Thatgirloncfforums]

I really miss my mothers, especially my spiritual one. But I also lost my grandma and bio mother within the last 10 years. I have tried to see a pastor about it but I just can't talk about these things with him or in a group setting (I was invited to one a month ago).

I really just want to get past it. There are things I cannot say on a public forum though. I feel alone, tired and depressed. I have exhausted family and friends with it (at least that's what I feel, they haven't said anything).

I desperately need another mother figure to come into my life. One that loves and cares for me but not domineering. I seem to just have friends (equals) or elders.

No one knows my soul the way that my spiritual mother seemed to in the beginning. Nor has anyone but she been able to draw such incredible creativity out of me and make me feel like I was a part of something bigger than myself. She gave me drive and purpose. She brought light and love into my life, it was like Christmas everyday with her.

I have a hard time getting close to people. I don't trust easily. Yet I totally fell head over heels in love with her. I came to realize too late that she didn't feel the same way.

I want the love that Mary and Jesus give, not the love of a mere friend but the love that provides security and focuses on my development and is a champion and advocate for me. Love that stirs my soul and opens the world to me. Love that will never leave me. Love that knows my sins and baggage but still wants me around. But Mary and Jesus don't have skin on and I can't hear their voices.

Sometimes, I think it would have been better for this woman to have never come into my life than for her to come and then drop me.

I am grieving. If I had my bio mother or grandma, my spiritual mother leaving wouldn't have been as bad. But my bio mom died a year prior and I am now emotionally destitute.

Help me if you can. Tell me what to do, where to go to find a new mom.

Thanks

 

[anna ~ grace]

Mary is your Mother, dear. Fly to Her.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

Sometimes, I think it would have been better for this woman to have never come into my life than for her to come and then drop me.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

 

[Michie]

The Assumption of Mary brought me peace after my mother’s death
https://www.americamagazine.org/faith/2021/08/13/feast-assumption-mary-mother-death-241218

Mary, Mother to Us All | Franciscan Media


Finding a Mother in Mary
https://thecatholicwoman.co/letterstowomen/finding-a-mother-in-mary

 

[GreekOrthodox]

You might consider joining a women's group at the church you attend. I know that might not be exactly what you are looking for but it could be a start.

 

[Thatgirloncfforums]

I am involved in the Women's Bible Study.

You might consider joining a women's group at the church you attend. I know that might not be exactly what you are looking for but it could be a start.

 

[Thatgirloncfforums]

@anna ~ grace ,@Pavel Mosko , @Michie ,

When I first converted to Roman Catholicism I did so as a response to praying the rosary. I would pray it two to four times a day. At that time I had a friend who was thinking about converting. He knew more about Catholicism than I did and was working on his own translation of Thomas Aquinas into English. But, he had Asbergers and was violent. Our relationship ended with me afraid and the peace of my religion gone.

I remained Catholic for the next ten years telling others about my conversion story. It wasn't received well by most Catholics. I was told that I should base faith on what is objectively taught and not on reported visions and my own subjectivity. So I tried to become as academic as I could.

I met my spiritual mother about two years ago. She was Catholic with a very high Mariology. She also wrote poetry. These two things were what united us in the beginning.

Then, about six months ago, everything seemed to shift. I was going through a lot with the death of my bio mom. My spiritual mother and I got into a tiff about Mary. I was misapplying a verse in Leviticus in her mind. I wouldn't submit to correction and I got into it with another friend of hers who called me a 'Jew' for thinking that the Law still applies. She chose this friend over me and for the next few months things deteriorated.

I'm sorry now that I used Mary to further my case. I am not a theologian, I just see patterns that may not always be there. My spiritual mother does too. She is very subjective, like me.

After we broke up, I was so disgusted by my using Mary and also by the subjectivity of my spiritual mother (that had me pinning back and forth) that I reverted back to my academic mode.

I am not an academic either. I enjoy theology, I enjoy debate, but only within the greater context of candles, devotions, and stigmatas. I don't know if any of that is true anymore or if I made it all up in the beginning 11 years ago.

My Mariology was high and centered around the female lamb as sacrifice. I understood the Immaculate Conception in this vein, as imitating Christ's holy life on our behalf. I saw Mary's perfection as standing in my place before the justice of God, a perfection she shares with me. So I took the Lev. injunction against not having sex with one's wife while she was on her period as pointing to Mary in some way. That in some way, blood was holy, a woman's body was holy. It violated her for her husband to do so.

I realize now that I was wrong but I just don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust my understanding of Scripture or my own religious intuitions. Even what I read by theologians is no help to me bc I see connections where others disagree, especially when it comes to ecumenical-divide-crossing. I am left dry, depending on what others tell me and parroting them.

When I came to CForums this time, I made up mind that I was going to argue from the Lutheran perspective. My own seems silly. I no longer pray the rosary. I haven't in years, bc it doesn't matter how I feel, if Scripture doesn't give a case per my teachers, I should submit to them. It seems like I am always trying to make everyone else satisfied even if they don't ask for it. I just don't feel accepted by anyone.

I hope all this makes sense. I know my thoughts are scattered.

 

[anna ~ grace]

@anna ~ grace ,@Pavel Mosko , @Michie ,

When I first converted to Roman Catholicism I did so as a response to praying the rosary. I would pray it two to four times a day. At that time I had a friend who was thinking about converting. He knew more about Catholicism than I did and was working on his own translation of Thomas Aquinas into English. But, he had Asbergers and was violent. Our relationship ended with me afraid and the peace of my religion gone.

I remained Catholic for the next ten years telling others about my conversion story. It wasn't received well by most Catholics. I was told that I should base faith on what is objectively taught and not on reported visions and my own subjectivity. So I tried to become as academic as I could.

I met my spiritual mother about two years ago. She was Catholic with a very high Mariology. She also wrote poetry. These two things were what united us in the beginning.

Then, about six months ago, everything seemed to shift. I was going through a lot with the death of my bio mom. My spiritual mother and I got into a tiff about Mary. I was misapplying a verse in Leviticus to her. I wouldn't submit to correction and I got into it with another friend of hers who called me a 'Jew' for thinking that the Law still applies. She chose this friend over me and for the next few months things deteriorated.

I'm sorry now that I used Mary to further my case. I am not a theologian, I just see patterns that may not always be there. My spiritual mother does too. She is very subjective, like me.

After we broke up, I was so disgusted by my using Mary and also by the subjectivity of my spiritual mother (that had me pinning back and forth) that I reverted back to my academic mode.

I am not an academic either. I enjoy theology, I enjoy debate, but only within the greater context of candles, devotions, and stigmatas. I don't know if any of that is true anymore or if I made it all up in the beginning 11 years ago.

My Mariology was high and centered around the female lamb as sacrifice. I understood the Immaculate Conception in this vein, as imitating Christ's holy life on our behalf. I saw Mary's perfection as standing in my place before the justice of God, a perfection she shares with me. So I took the Lev. injunction against not having sex with one's wife while she was on her period as pointing to Mary in some way. That in some way, blood was holy, a woman's body was holy. It violated her for her husband to do so.

I realize now that I was wrong but I just don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust my understanding of Scripture or my own religious intuitions. Even what I read by theologians is no help to me bc I see connections where others disagree, especially when it comes to ecumenical-divide-crossing. I am left dry, depending on what others tell me and parroting them.

When I came to CForums this time, I made up mind that I was going to argue from the Lutheran perspective. My own seems silly. I no longer pray the rosary. I haven't in years, bc it doesn't matter how I feel, if Scripture doesn't give a case per my teachers, I should submit to them. It seems like I am always trying to make everyone else satisfied even if they don't ask for it. I just don't feel accepted by anyone.

I hope all this makes sense. I know my thoughts are scattered.

That’s ok. It sounds like you are on a journey. It sounds like the break up between you and your friend has caused trauma for you. Just take it slow. An Orthodox friend suggested that I start with the Angelic Salutation; Hail, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

If you feel comfy with that, start there. If not, that’s ok. Our spiritual lives *do* get emotional. That’s normal, especially with loss, and trauma thrown into the mix.

 

[Thatgirloncfforums]

That’s ok. It sounds like you are on a journey. It sounds like the break up between you and your friend has caused trauma for you. Just take it slow. An Orthodox friend suggested that I start with the Angelic Salutation; Hail, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

If you feel comfy with that, start there. If not, that’s ok. Our spiritual lives *do* get emotional. That’s normal, especially with loss, and trauma thrown into the mix.

Thank you Grace

 

[Thatgirloncfforums]

Do you struggle praying the rosary?

That’s ok. It sounds like you are on a journey. It sounds like the break up between you and your friend has caused trauma for you. Just take it slow. An Orthodox friend suggested that I start with the Angelic Salutation; Hail, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

If you feel comfy with that, start there. If not, that’s ok. Our spiritual lives *do* get emotional. That’s normal, especially with loss, and trauma thrown into the mix.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Do you struggle praying the rosary?

I don’t, no. But I think your struggles are due more to emotional trauma, and this has spilled over into theological concerns, and confusion. That’s common. Negative associations can develop and make prayer hard, or confusing.

I do struggle with doubts sometimes. I am extremely isolated theologically, and personally. That isolation can cause me to sometimes doubt where I am, and wonder if my life and faith wouldn’t be way simpler if I were just a Baptist again. But I have learned so much… I know now that Sola Fidé and Sola Scriptura are incorrect and impractical respectively, and I have learned to love Mary. I’d make a terrible Baptist at this point, though I don’t dislike them. They’re good folks, too, and fighting the Good Fight in their own way. Christ, have mercy.

 

[Thatgirloncfforums]

In what ways are you isolated?

I don’t, no. But I think your struggles are due more to emotional trauma, and this has spilled over into theological concerns, and confusion. That’s common. Negative associations can develop and make prayer hard, or confusing.

I do struggle with doubts sometimes. I am extremely isolated theologically, and personally. That isolation can cause me to sometimes doubt where I am, and wonder if my life and faith wouldn’t be way simpler if I were just a Baptist again. But I have learned so much… I know now that Sola Fidé and Sola Scriptura are incorrect and impractical respectively, and I have learned to love Mary. I’d make a terrible Baptist at this point, though I don’t dislike them. They’re good folks, too, and fighting the Good Fight in their own way. Christ, have mercy.

 

[anna ~ grace]

In what ways are you isolated?

I don’t have the support of my husband, at all. I love him, but he is deeply, deeply Protestant to the point of being irrationally anti-Catholic. It’s a bit of a strain, but I’m learning to just love him as a fellow Christian, and let Christ handle everything else.

 

[Thatgirloncfforums]

Oh. Bless you! And him. I'm not a very good prayer warrior but I will pray for you both.

I don’t have the support of my husband, at all. I love him, but he is deeply, deeply Protestant to the point of being irrationally anti-Catholic. It’s a bit of a strain, but I’m learning to just love him as a fellow Christian, and let Christ handle everything else.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Oh. Bless you! And him. I'm not a very good prayer warrior but I will pray for you both.

Thank you so much, dear! You’re in my prayers, too. Bless you.

 

[Lost4words]

Mary is your Mother, dear. Fly to Her.

Very true indeed.

 

[Thatgirloncfforums]

Very true indeed.

I'm going to start praying the rosary again and see where that leads me. I wanted to be a nun growing up but family needed me (I will always be my sister's caretaker). Is there anything I can do on my own?

 

[anna ~ grace]

I'm going to start praying the rosary again and see where that leads me. I wanted to be a nun growing up but family needed me (I will always be my sister's caretaker). Is there anything I can do on my own?

Totally. You can live a life of prayer, littleness, and devotion to Christ even outside of a religious order. Many Christians do this.

Another thing to do, is have a little prayer rule. Eg, try to commit to doing the Scripture reading for the day, and praying the Rosary. Do what you have time for, and turn work into prayer, too.

EWTN Daily Mass and Readings, Daily Readings, & Catholic Mass Today | EWTN

 

[Lost4words]

Turn to Mary once more OP.

Take it one day at a time. Start with one decade of the Rosary. No need for multiple rosaries every day. Concentrate on the mysteries.

For me, i only ever pray the sorrowful mysteries. This is the one that has a lot of meaning to me. The suffering of Jesus, for us.

Offer up your suffering to God, for others.

God bless you my friend in Christ