I feel like a horrible mother...(sorta long)

[3girls2dogs]

Ok. Let me start from the beginning. My oldest daughter is 18, and she feels that she absolutely HAS to get married in June. I have tried to get her to wait, I married her father at 18, and other than her, no good came of it. Regardless, she won't wait, no matter what I do. But even in trying to get her to wait, I have never come out and disapproved. As a matter of fact, we went up in April and took them shopping to help them set up their house. She and her fiance have been together for three years, and he has always been treated as part of the family.

My husband has orders to a new unit, so our plans to move in June have been set since OCTOBER. She has known this. It was very clear. I hate, hate, hate it here, so I have been shouting from the rooftops that we are moving June 21 since I found out in October.

So she kept telling me that she was going to get married on the 13th. I spoke to her last week, and she told me that they were doing on the 20th to please his (fiance's) mother. Thing is, I have to drop my younger kids (who are flying to grandma's while we drive to NC) at 7:30 AM in Phoenix, which is 3 hours from where we live, so we kind of have to go up the night before, especially since we have to turn our keys in and leave housing on the 20th. So we will be without anywhere to leave the dogs or our stuff. My husband believes that she is doing this purposely to leave me out, so he won't give at all in this. She said she would talk to her fiance to see if they could change the date, but when she called yesterday, she didn't mention it at all, and TBH, I didn't want to ask and ruin the conversation.

Now I feel awful. I want to be there, but she picked the one day of the month that we are leaving that I can't be there. Please don't judge me with the fact that she is getting married and staying behind here. I already beat myself up over this on a daily basis. But I can't figure out how to make this work and feel terribly guilty. I need a hug.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

That must feel awful But try to remember that you were very clear about moving day for a long time--and if she doesn't want to respect that--you could ask if she could video the wedding and send it to you--maybe you could call before the ceremony and she could send you a pic of her in her dress on the phone. Perhaps you could join them for the rehersal dinner???

I wish I had something better to say....I can't imagine all of the emotions you must have....

 

[Linnis]

You poor woman! *hugs*


You've been clear about the moving date for months so it shouldn't be a shock to her and she shouldn't expect you to change your plans.

If they can set the date around his mother's plans why can't they change it for yours? Does your DD still live with you? Is she marrying him now because the idea of living far away from him is scary?

My mother and I didn't agree on my marriage at 19 - she didn't end up coming to the wedding which was equally our faults. We both regret it now. Sit her down and talk it out with her honestly. Maybe that'll help.

 

[jessesgirl]

I just have hugs, Shel

You were very clear on your move date and she has to know that you all can't pick up and change it. Maybe y'all need to sit down and have a good, long heart to heart talk about the root of all this change and rush. Praying for you in the meantime

 

[mina]

for you. Whenever i read anything you post i always think you sound like a WONDERFUL mother!

 

[Autumnleaf]

Orders can be changed. Especially for a wedding, mine were when I was in the Marines. Unless your husband is going on a plane that day for a deployment he should be able to get his new unit to accomodate the family.

Tell your husband he is probably right about her changing the date, lets be honest..., but if you don't go to the wedding it will probably mess things up with your family for a very long time. Its their wedding. Take one for the team and accomodate to their wishes.

 

[jessesgirl]

Orders can be changed. Especially for a wedding, mine were when I was in the Marines. Unless your husband is going on a plane that day for a deployment he should be able to get his new unit to accomodate the family.

Tell your husband he is probably right about her changing the date, lets be honest..., but if you don't go to the wedding it will probably mess things up with your family for a very long time. Its their wedding. Take one for the team and accomodate to their wishes.

Not bad advice...at all. Maybe if you did manage to push it back a day, it would show DD how much you care...and want to be there for her thereby alleviating some of the issues. Good call, AL.

 

[Singin4Him]

I'm sorry to hear about this whole situation, it doesn't sound like there is a good solution if she refuses to change it. I agree that you may want to sit down with her and explain how much you want to be there and the reasons why. Maybe if you share your heart openly with her it may make her think. I noticed you said they chose that date to please the mother-in-law, you might want to share with your DD that if she is beginning her marriage doing things around what her MIL wants then there is a high chance it won't change when she gets married...speaking from one who knows all too well it only get WORSE! She might want to think about that.

 

[3girls2dogs]

Thanks for the advice and hugs, guys. You all have offered great advice. I will see if I can get everyone to talk together and work something out.

 

[Neenie1]

I'm sorry to hear about this whole situation, it doesn't sound like there is a good solution if she refuses to change it. I agree that you may want to sit down with her and explain how much you want to be there and the reasons why. Maybe if you share your heart openly with her it may make her think. I noticed you said they chose that date to please the mother-in-law, you might want to share with your DD that if she is beginning her marriage doing things around what her MIL wants then there is a high chance it won't change when she gets married...speaking from one who knows all too well it only get WORSE! She might want to think about that.

I agree. It's not a good idea to arrange the wedding around the MIL, because I think it sets a precedent for the marriage - once she sees she can get her way on things like this she might want to be in charge of much bigger things in the future.

 

[JayCeeGirl]

I'm sorry to hear about this whole situation, it doesn't sound like there is a good solution if she refuses to change it. I agree that you may want to sit down with her and explain how much you want to be there and the reasons why. Maybe if you share your heart openly with her it may make her think. I noticed you said they chose that date to please the mother-in-law, you might want to share with your DD that if she is beginning her marriage doing things around what her MIL wants then there is a high chance it won't change when she gets married...speaking from one who knows all too well it only get WORSE! She might want to think about that.

I agree! You might even suggest she look through the inlaw thread in the marriage ministry section.

 

[coffeegal]

praying for you.