Also ive been feeling worse because i told 2 ppl about this and theyre saying i shouldnt feel bad. And that inappropriate content is not a big deal.. im so tired of people not understanding where im coming from. Im always looked at as crazy for having these feelings. Thats why i dont tell people things because they always make me feel worse.. smh humans.
I was raised pentecostal. At the age of ten I responded to an altar call and set out on the Christian path, determined to live a pure and holy life for God. I started to become aware of my imperfections/ sin( even at that age) and I didn't want the sin, I wanted to be completely pure, holy and sinless.
Then I reached puberty and along came the impure thoughts. My stomach churned, I didn't want them, I didn't want to end up in hell. But no matter how hard I tried to resist such thoughts, they just grew stronger in my life.
I became a slave of masturbation. Sometimes three or four times a day. I didn't have the internet in those days, but if I had, i would have watched a lot of inappropriate content also. The more dirty I believed my lustful thoughts were, the more excited I felt by them, the more shame I had. I became wracked by guilt, fear and condemnation. And all the time the lust/ masturbation just got worse. I cared about nothing apart from lust/ women.
At the age of sixteen I stopped going to church. I was too impure to belong there. I couldn't live the holy life the other church members appeared to live.
When I was nineteen my life was in a mess, I went to see someone, he asked me to read a book. I did, and for the first time in my life I read about Pauls gospel message. I had never heard preached what i was now reading. I read my righteousness before God was faith in Christ, not my own personal goodness. I dared to believe I could be a Christian after all, for Christianity hinged in what Christ did for me.
But what of the masturbation? I didn't want it, I wanted to be free of it. I got down on my knees and asked God to deal with it, determined to believe Christ was now my righteousness before God.
For the next three days I masturbated, but for the first time in my life I did not let that make me feel condemned. I looked to Jesus and trusted I was saved because he died for me. He was my rightstanding before God.
A voice in my head told me I was a hypocrite and fooling myself. I couldn't be a Christian and do what I was doing. It was so hard to ignore that voice and keep trusting I was saved because Jesus died for me, but somehow I did.
On the fourth day, the masturbation I had been a slave to for six years stopped. When I feared it would send me to hell it only got worse
Paul wrote:
For sin shall no longer be your master, for you are not under law( of righteousness) but under grace( a righteousness of faith in Christ rom6:14
It is your only hope, most reject it, if you are desperate enough you may not
God bless