I ended a courtship, it broke her heart, and now I wonder if I made a mistake

[MynameisSam]

I have been talking to a girl from Kenya. Maybe I should have been more careful with cross-cultural dating, but I was introduced to her by a mutual friend (also from Kenya) and the friend didn't seem to have misgivings about it. Anyway, she became really serious about me really fast. I did not feel the same way about her, and today I told her that I didn't think our relationship would work out and suggested that we not continue talking except as friends.

It broke her heart. I didn't expect it to hurt her so much, but she has been crying ever since. And now I feel like maybe I should have waited longer to see if I would fall in love with her. The thing is, having hurt her so much has made me feel like I would do about anything to make her feel better. I feel like I would marry her if it would make her feel better. Part of me thinks that that is a sign that I feel more seriously about her than I thought, and part of me thinks I am just upset and not thinking clearly.

I feel so horrible and guilty about it. I feel like I would rather die than hurt her again, and really I had thought I was doing the right thing to avoid hurting her too much in the first place. What should I do?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

LDR's are complicated. My wife is from the Philippines. After 1 month we engaged. However we knew we had at least a year before we could meet/marry. So it gave us plenty of time to talk. But the thing was we both felt like God drew us together due to circumstances that were too perfect, which means Gods hand was at play.

Aside from her moving fast, are you worried about the distance? Is that why it wouldn't work out? Because I can tell you, as by my name, nothing is impossible. Maybe just tell her you would prefer to take it slow because you don't want to get so fast that you miss anything.

I'd also check this out so you can foresee how it may work later on if you went that far:
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclop...kenya-how-get-green-card-your-new-spouse.html

I'd also take your time to make sure she likes you for you and not the idea of getting a free pass to america. Sadly it's common in many countries. Not judging her of course, I don't know her.

I'd tell her you are willing to keep going on just to see how things work. Maybe tell her you broke things off originally because you were unsure at first of the pace of things.

It's true maybe you have some guilt. Best thing to do is try again. And if after a while you don't feel anything, then move on and tell her its nothing personal. Honesty is the best policy.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I should also add that coming or going to another culture is very hard for whoever is leaving their country. I know first hand. And learning to adjust to how the person does things/views things may be hard. But its not impossible to get past. You just learn to accept it.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

I have been talking to a girl from Kenya. Maybe I should have been more careful with cross-cultural dating, but I was introduced to her by a mutual friend (also from Kenya) and the friend didn't seem to have misgivings about it. Anyway, she became really serious about me really fast. I did not feel the same way about her, and today I told her that I didn't think our relationship would work out and suggested that we not continue talking except as friends.

It broke her heart. I didn't expect it to hurt her so much, but she has been crying ever since. And now I feel like maybe I should have waited longer to see if I would fall in love with her. The thing is, having hurt her so much has made me feel like I would do about anything to make her feel better. I feel like I would marry her if it would make her feel better. Part of me thinks that that is a sign that I feel more seriously about her than I thought, and part of me thinks I am just upset and not thinking clearly.

I feel so horrible and guilty about it. I feel like I would rather die than hurt her again, and really I had thought I was doing the right thing to avoid hurting her too much in the first place. What should I do?

I would be careful not to marry due to feeling bad, I think you made the right decision based on what you said, so my advice is stick with it and be glad you ended it now rather than have thoughts of divorce which I don’t think are Biblical.

You need time to get to know someone and she seemed to be rushing things so that’s a red flag right there.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I have been talking to a girl from Kenya. Maybe I should have been more careful with cross-cultural dating, but I was introduced to her by a mutual friend (also from Kenya) and the friend didn't seem to have misgivings about it. Anyway, she became really serious about me really fast. I did not feel the same way about her, and today I told her that I didn't think our relationship would work out and suggested that we not continue talking except as friends.

It broke her heart. I didn't expect it to hurt her so much, but she has been crying ever since. And now I feel like maybe I should have waited longer to see if I would fall in love with her. The thing is, having hurt her so much has made me feel like I would do about anything to make her feel better. I feel like I would marry her if it would make her feel better. Part of me thinks that that is a sign that I feel more seriously about her than I thought, and part of me thinks I am just upset and not thinking clearly.

I feel so horrible and guilty about it. I feel like I would rather die than hurt her again, and really I had thought I was doing the right thing to avoid hurting her too much in the first place. What should I do?

You are responsible to God for the decisions you make. If that still small voice of God has spoken to you and told you that "this is not the woman for you", then it is better to obey than to dig yourself into a deeper pit, and get into a relationship that will harm your walk with God. When you come up to judgment, you alone will have to give an account of your life to God,

It is not a sin to break off a relationship that is not right for you.

She will have to deal with her own reaction to the breakup. We all have to go through disappointment and grief in our lives, and our personal grief is ours alone and we have to deal with it. We can't make anyone else responsible for our personal grief and disappointment. We can't make someone else feel guilty about the way we feel when disappointment and heartbreak happens to us.

You need to walk away and secure your own walk with God, and leave her to deal with how she feels about it. Of course she wants to get back with you, and she may manipulate you through tears and grief to make you feel guilty about breaking it off, but you don't have to be manipulated by the feelings and manipulation of others.

If you truly believe that you did the right thing before God, then stand your ground and walk away. You can't diminish her grief by trying to show understanding and empathy. She will use that to manipulate you even more and you will end up being just a big a mess that she is.

 

[Kris Jordan]

I have been talking to a girl from Kenya. Maybe I should have been more careful with cross-cultural dating, but I was introduced to her by a mutual friend (also from Kenya) and the friend didn't seem to have misgivings about it. Anyway, she became really serious about me really fast. I did not feel the same way about her, and today I told her that I didn't think our relationship would work out and suggested that we not continue talking except as friends.

It broke her heart. I didn't expect it to hurt her so much, but she has been crying ever since. And now I feel like maybe I should have waited longer to see if I would fall in love with her. The thing is, having hurt her so much has made me feel like I would do about anything to make her feel better. I feel like I would marry her if it would make her feel better. Part of me thinks that that is a sign that I feel more seriously about her than I thought, and part of me thinks I am just upset and not thinking clearly.

I feel so horrible and guilty about it. I feel like I would rather die than hurt her again, and really I had thought I was doing the right thing to avoid hurting her too much in the first place. What should I do?

Hi MynameisSam,

The struggles you are having after breaking it off with her are based on your emotions to her reactions - and "emotions" in general (including yours) can be all over the place. You never want to make major decisions when you're in a state of "high emotion" or because you feel bad for someone else. And you definitely NEVER want to marry anyone to "make them feel better." That is a recipe for disaster and divorce.

Her reaction either confirms that her feelings for you were greater than yours were for her or they are based on something else. Either way, you can't force yourself to feel something you weren't. It sounds to me like you made a wise decision and need to stick with it. Pray that Jesus would heal her heart and lead her according to His will, and pray the same for yourself. Don't second-guess yourself. Life is painful when things don't work out the way we hoped they would, but we have to get through it trusting the Lord to lead us through it. And so does she.

 

[MynameisSam]

Thanks for all your advice so far. It's true, my emotions can be all over the place. Actually, I have emotional health issues that I take medication for.

She is a Godly person, and has prayed a lot, and she seemed sure that we were supposed to be together. That is one thing that puzzles me. And I do have affection for her. But it doesn't feel like the kind of affection and attraction that should be there for a serious relationship. But again, my emotions can be all over the place.

So there remains doubt in my mind about my decision. And the sorrow that she went through - watching that and being the cause of it was one of the worst things I have ever felt. And that makes me think we shouldn't try it again unless I become certain that she is the one for me. I don't want that to happen to her ever again. In fact, I'm considering not trying a relationship with anyone ever again.

 

[Kris Jordan]

Thanks for all your advice so far. It's true, my emotions can be all over the place. Actually, I have emotional health issues that I take medication for.

She is a Godly person, and has prayed a lot, and she seemed sure that we were supposed to be together. That is one thing that puzzles me. And I do have affection for her. But it doesn't feel like the kind of affection and attraction that should be there for a serious relationship. But again, my emotions can be all over the place.

So there remains doubt in my mind about my decision. And the sorrow that she went through - watching that and being the cause of it was one of the worst things I have ever felt. And that makes me think we shouldn't try it again unless I become certain that she is the one for me. I don't want that to happen to her ever again. In fact, I'm considering not trying a relationship with anyone ever again.

Hi Sam,

It's good that you are aware of (and take medication for) your emotional health issues and that you understand how they may contribute to the things you are feeling. God bless you for your transparency and honestly with us about that!

If she was "the one" God chose for you, then He would make that clear to YOU and not just her only. And since you're not feelin' it, I'd say that's a pretty clear indication that you were right on track with ending things.

And just humor my "mothering" of you right now, but never let anyone dictate what God's will is for you other than God Himself and His Word (the bible). Other than that, your relationship with Jesus is a personal, one-on-one relationship that doesn't require any middle-man to speak to you on behalf of Him, other than the Holy Spirit, of course, who is our teacher, counselor, comforter, etc. So be confident in your decisions and ask Jesus to help you both through this difficult time.

On a personal note, my 21 year old daughter was recently dating someone whom she (and *I*) thought was "the one" -- and then he ended things suddenly and out of the blue. We were all a bit stunned and hurt, but she (and I) got through it and we're trusting God to lead her and heal her - and He WILL. And He will do the same for your ex-girlfriend and for you.

 

[Elliewaves]

If you have not met in person and were only talking then it was a bit foolish to get that serious. Be more cautious in the future . State intentions up front: I am getting to know you, etc. Rather than not knowing that the other person was banking on marriage .

 

[Andrew77]

I have been talking to a girl from Kenya. Maybe I should have been more careful with cross-cultural dating, but I was introduced to her by a mutual friend (also from Kenya) and the friend didn't seem to have misgivings about it. Anyway, she became really serious about me really fast. I did not feel the same way about her, and today I told her that I didn't think our relationship would work out and suggested that we not continue talking except as friends.

It broke her heart. I didn't expect it to hurt her so much, but she has been crying ever since. And now I feel like maybe I should have waited longer to see if I would fall in love with her. The thing is, having hurt her so much has made me feel like I would do about anything to make her feel better. I feel like I would marry her if it would make her feel better. Part of me thinks that that is a sign that I feel more seriously about her than I thought, and part of me thinks I am just upset and not thinking clearly.

I feel so horrible and guilty about it. I feel like I would rather die than hurt her again, and really I had thought I was doing the right thing to avoid hurting her too much in the first place. What should I do?

This is a tougher question than I originally thought.

1. Don't marry a girl based on guilt. That is going to go very badly for both of you.

2. It's normal for a man to want to protect the woman, and not cause her pain. But if you are not the guy for her, you need to accept it will cause pain for her to find that out.

2. You should feel horrible and guilty about it. This is a good thing. It means you are human, and no a sociopath. If it didn't bother you, I'd worry.

I want you to feel bad about it, not because you are a horrible terrible person. You are not a bad person. But you need to understand that love is a serious thing, and it can hurt people very easily.

Do not treat romance, and/or relationships with the opposite sex, flippantly.

As a general rule, foreign women who are looking for someone, are not there to play and find someone to just flirt around with. They are looking for the real deal. They want a husband.

You approached this too causally, and that's why when she got serious, it scared you off. Don't do that to women in general. In Western countries, women are casual about relationships to, and so men get caught up in that lax mentality. But even then, you should not be so with any woman.

I met a woman from Cameroon. Thankfully she was serious from day one. Made it clear in the first 5 minutes saying "This is what I want, and this is what I'm looking for". Now that end up that I determined I wasn't the right guy for her, and we never talked since then.

But that's how they roll. They are not there to chit chat. They are looking for someone to have a family, and a life with. They don't want to be 'just friends'. They want a husband. If that's not you, then you are wasting their time.

In your specific case, it sounds like the car came on too strongly, and that scared you off. There is nothing wrong with you, taking a step back, because she jumped at you.

However, going forward, you need to understand that if some tries to introduce you to a woman in a country like that... you need to have a mind set that this person is looking for a husband. That way you won't be caught off guard like that, because you'll understand it is coming, and why.

It will give you better judgement on who to engage talking with, and what you should avoid doing, if you are not serious. Because they are serious. You need to take this seriously.

If you decide to continue this particular relationship, you need to decide if you really will marry this woman, and make sure you are not doing it out of guilt or something else that simply won't last.