I Don't Want to Pray With My Family

[Sailorguy]

New to the forum. Married 15 years with two kids.

My wife recently texted me that she wanted me to pray with the family before meals. Everyday. We used to just do it when christian friends were having a meal with us. I know that's a farce some of you all are probably familiar with the practice.

I don't normally pray out loud with anyone, anytime. In small group settings I have no qualms saying "Pass" when the silence indicates that I should jump in.

So anyway, I obliged with saying grace but I suck at praying out loud. I get tense and anxious even thinking about it. I have a short and standard pre-meal prayer that goes something like:

Thanks for this day and for bringing us together.
Thank you for this meal.
Bless our time and conversation.
In Jesus' name. Amen.

This worked for a while as I fumbled through it.

If I forgot to mention the food my wife would critique the grace after the "amen". Even with guests present. So obviously that was not helpful but I am a man. I can overlook the hurtful comment.

Then the other night I just didn't feel my prayer game was up to it's usual level (of mediocre at best) and I said a super short grace of "Thank you for the food. In Jesus' name. Amen".

My kids loved it even though I wasn't trying to be funny. I just believe that grace is more about taking a moment to acknowledge God as our provider and thank Him for it.

Well no sooner had we said our "Amen" that my wife went on a rant to the effect of:

"I don't even know why we bother! Your prayers are so short it's embarrassing and disrespectful!"

I didn't have anything to say so ate my meal in silence.

At this point my feelings are hurt. I'm trying to be better at something I struggle with. I'm not ready to give up but I am sure not getting any encouragement. Every time I do say grace I am putting my neck out there for some admonishment in front of the family from my Proverbs 25:24 wife.

I'm a great husband in most aspects. Good provider, spend time with the kids, stay in shape, treat my wife kindly etc. I feel like I am just not gifted in praying out loud. Not sure if I will ever be good at it but I am willing to struggle through it forever if that's what it takes.

I know I need to talk to my wife about the need for her to be patient and withhold the admonishments until after dinner.

My question is this: What can my wife reasonably expect from me? Should she just be patient and wait for me to grow? Is there a minimum pre-meal prayer length?

Phone lines are open.

 

[savedthroughgrace]

I'm sorry this is causing turmoil for you. I don't know that I can help you with your exact situation as it seems to be an issue of your wife's expectations. Your best course of action in my opinion is to sit down with your wife and explain exactly what you've stated here.

My wife and I never pray over meals together out loud. My wife is aware that I am uncomfortable with public prayer and it's not something she would force me to do. I pretty much decline public prayer when asked at a dinner or such. I recall once we went to lunch after church with a very respected guest. A gentleman who actually founded our church back in the 1950's. He asked that I lead prayer and given the circumstances I felt I could not refuse. I did the best I could and figured the prayer isn't for anyone but the Lord so who cares what anyone else thinks. Anyway, just a personal anecdote on how I relate to you.

If your wife needs your prayer in order to feel like you are the spiritual head of household then I'd continue to do so as best you are able. I find it inappropriate to critique your prayers but maybe she could shed some light on what she believes to be an acceptable prayer?

As a final note in my long post (sorry), I believe prayer is personal and a short prayer acknowledging the Lord and what he has provided should be sufficient before a meal.

 

[Blade]

Yeah.. need to talk to your spouse. Theres no "gift" here when it comes to thanking talking praising Him. Some have a different look at prayer sometimes. Some are really thankful.. how my wife prays about food matters not to me at all. Between her and Him. Me? lol.. when it comes to food? Simple and short.. this is just me.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

New to the forum. Married 15 years with two kids.

My wife recently texted me that she wanted me to pray with the family before meals. Everyday. We used to just do it when christian friends were having a meal with us. I know that's a farce some of you all are probably familiar with the practice.

I don't normally pray out loud with anyone, anytime. In small group settings I have no qualms saying "Pass" when the silence indicates that I should jump in.

So anyway, I obliged with saying grace but I suck at praying out loud. I get tense and anxious even thinking about it. I have a short and standard pre-meal prayer that goes something like:

Thanks for this day and for bringing us together.
Thank you for this meal.
Bless our time and conversation.
In Jesus' name. Amen.

This worked for a while as I fumbled through it.

If I forgot to mention the food my wife would critique the grace after the "amen". Even with guests present. So obviously that was not helpful but I am a man. I can overlook the hurtful comment.

Then the other night I just didn't feel my prayer game was up to it's usual level (of mediocre at best) and I said a super short grace of "Thank you for the food. In Jesus' name. Amen".

My kids loved it even though I wasn't trying to be funny. I just believe that grace is more about taking a moment to acknowledge God as our provider and thank Him for it.

Well no sooner had we said our "Amen" that my wife went on a rant to the effect of:

"I don't even know why we bother! Your prayers are so short it's embarrassing and disrespectful!"

I didn't have anything to say so ate my meal in silence.

At this point my feelings are hurt. I'm trying to be better at something I struggle with. I'm not ready to give up but I am sure not getting any encouragement. Every time I do say grace I am putting my neck out there for some admonishment in front of the family from my Proverbs 25:24 wife.

I'm a great husband in most aspects. Good provider, spend time with the kids, stay in shape, treat my wife kindly etc. I feel like I am just not gifted in praying out loud. Not sure if I will ever be good at it but I am willing to struggle through it forever if that's what it takes.

I know I need to talk to my wife about the need for her to be patient and withhold the admonishments until after dinner.

My question is this: What can my wife reasonably expect from me? Should she just be patient and wait for me to grow? Is there a minimum pre-meal prayer length?

Phone lines are open.

Ask your wife if she can say the dinner prayer for a while. Maybe just the prayer the family needs.

As we humble ourselves -- I do it often.

M-Bob

 

[savedthroughgrace]

My question is this: What can my wife reasonably expect from me? Should she just be patient and wait for me to grow? Is there a minimum pre-meal prayer length?

Reasonableness is subjective but I'd say its reasonable for a wife to expect a God fearing, loving husband no matter how skillful he is public prayer.

Probably should be patient and wait for you to grow but not sure I would use this as an excuse to ignore her or become angry with her, she obviously holds this as some sort of conviction. Maybe her father led prayer magnificently?

Obviously there is not a minimum prayer length set forth by God or Jesus.

 

[Sailorguy]

I appreciate the responses so far. It's nice to hear I am not alone in not enjoying public prayer.
I value the agreement that I need to talk with my wife about this.

I will make it a point to let her know my prayers are short sometimes but they are still sincere and it's something I am working on.

She leads worship at church so she's good at it.

 

[Greengardener]

In general, I've wondered if communication would be more effective if we spent more time exploring what the expectations are without voicing anything other than exploratory remarks until we feel we really "got it," and then seeking consensus defined. Sometimes people express frustration when they really want to share ideas and come to conclusions so that a plan of action happens.

I'm not sure if a sit close on the couch hand-holding honey what would success look like in this situation kind of conversation would help - or would it just lift the lid off the pressure cooker and splatter hot beans all over the room. I am wondering if her role in leading worship lends itself to the thought that she needs to be able to display your effectiveness in offering a blessing as evidence of her success (not unlike a business man used to have a "trophy wife" to show his success) - but I only mention that because I could have seen me doing that in my younger years and not recognizing it until later. I'm only wondering aloud.

The kids benefit from good habits, and it might be that remembering the God who provides for us is something that your wife values and wants to ensure is instilled in the children. It might be interesting for you two to discuss your roles in teaching the children by example. Maybe leading the children to also participate in the blessing, like one parent starting by voicing a thankful statement or maybe a thankful scripture, the kids one at a time offering a thankful statement or a scripture, and then the other parent wrapping up the last statement or scripture and everyone nailing it down with the amen together. If all participate, the opportunity exists for your children to grow comfortable speaking their faith around the table and might move you into a place of greater comfort. Again, just thoughts on my part.

The only thing I can say for sure is that I feel for you in this, hope it turns out to be a good opportunity, and I will pray, Sailorguy.

 

[snoochface]

Matthew 6:7
And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.

 

[Sailorguy]

In general, I've wondered if communication would be more effective if we spent more time exploring what the expectations are without voicing anything other than exploratory remarks until we feel we really "got it," and then seeking consensus defined. Sometimes people express frustration when they really want to share ideas and come to conclusions so that a plan of action happens.

I'm not sure if a sit close on the couch hand-holding honey what would success look like in this situation kind of conversation would help - or would it just lift the lid off the pressure cooker and splatter hot beans all over the room.

Thank you Greengardener.

Some great points you made. I think we are quick to think we need to do that "sit close on the couch" talk because it's often the easiest advice to offer. My wife does have a fiery disposition and does not take criticism well. Which is likely why I haven't said anything to her yet and reaffirms your point with the pressure cooker analogy.

So that, combined with your insights on gaining a better understanding of the issue before seeking a consensus I will wait for a good opportunity to find out more of the what, why and hows of her wishes for the pre-meal prayer. I will also respond kindly to any future criticisms. Maybe something to the effect of "Yes it's a pretty short prayer but it's no less sincere than a long one"

Thank you all for your responses, support and advice.

 

[Endeavourer]

Hi Sailor,

Your description is revealing a few issues with behavior patterns in your relationship.

First: "My wife recently texted me that she wanted me to pray with the family before meals. "

If you do not want to do this, you can let her know you're not enthusiastic about her suggestion. Then the two of you can brainstorm ideas until you find one you're both enthusiastic about. You should never accede to demands from your wife that you are not enthusiastic about because that will build resentment in your marriage.

Second: "my wife would critique the grace after the "amen". Even with guests present."

This is a disrespectful judgement on the part of your wife. Putting your spouse down is disrespectful and will hurt the other spouse's love for the disrespectful spouse.

Third: "that my wife went on a rant to the effect of: "I don't even know why we bother! Your prayers are so short it's embarrassing and disrespectful!" I didn't have anything to say so ate my meal in silence.

This is another disrespectful judgement on the part of your wife. Your feelings would understandably be hurt. Her behavior was cruel.

Finally: "I know I need to talk to my wife about the need for her to be patient and withhold the admonishments until after dinner."

Here are some articles that explain the concept in more depth:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/love-busters.htm
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/disrespectful-judgments.htm

Let her know that you want a marriage of mutual respect and of extraordinary care for each other. Can you give her these two articles (below) and ask let her know that you'd like to negotiate decisions (demands) in the future so that both of you are enthusiastic about the outcome?
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-giver-and-taker.htm
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-policy-of-joint-agreement.htm

 

[Endeavourer]

Well no sooner had we said our "Amen" that my wife went on a rant to the effect of:

Every time I do say grace I am putting my neck out there for some admonishment in front of the family from my Proverbs 25:24 wife.

So the above being said, you also have a mote in your eye. Your comments here were disrespectful. If you have a disrespectful attitude in your heart, it usually shows in your reactions, expressions or behaviors.

You both need to excise the disrespect for each other in your attitudes.

With respect to your opinion on her being a Proverbs 25:24 quarrelsome wife, most wives who become quarrelsome do so because their concerns are not being addressed by their husbands and that's finally the only way they think their concerns will be heard.

From what I've read between the lines in your posts, it seems you struggle to communicate instead of shutting down, so here is an article that might be very helpful to you:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/how-to-deal-with-a-quarrelsome-and-nagging-wife.htm

I'd look forward to hearing your thoughts on this article! Please come back to let me know what you think.

 

[Sailorguy]

So the above being said, you also have a mote in your eye. Your comments here were disrespectful. If you have a disrespectful attitude in your heart, it usually shows in your reactions, expressions or behaviors.

You both need to excise the disrespect for each other in your attitudes.

With respect to your opinion on her being a Proverbs 25:24 quarrelsome wife, most wives who become quarrelsome do so because their concerns are not being addressed by their husbands and that's finally the only way they think their concerns will be heard.

From what I've read between the lines in your posts, it seems you struggle to communicate instead of shutting down, so here is an article that might be very helpful to you:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/how-to-deal-with-a-quarrelsome-and-nagging-wife.htm

I'd look forward to hearing your thoughts on this article! Please come back to let me know what you think.

Endeavourer,

Thank you for taking the time to share so much. I went and read all the articles you suggested. It gave me a lot to think about. Mainly that I should probably go back and read Dr. Harley's book that my wife and read about 13 years ago lol.

I'm going to start working on those principles mentioned in the articles and hope for the best.

Thanks again!

 

[Endeavourer]

You are so welcome, @Sailorguy.

How did putting the principles to practice go this week?

 

[Sailorguy]

You are so welcome, @Sailorguy.

How did putting the principles to practice go this week?

I was away on business and home now. The principles go into practice this week. Looking forward to reporting success soon.

 

[tturt]

Hi Hope things are going better. Women generally want our husbands to be the spiritual leaders in our homes. Maybe you could begin the prayer and end it but everyone else contribute.

 

[Swan7]

My question is this: What can my wife reasonably expect from me? Should she just be patient and wait for me to grow? Is there a minimum pre-meal prayer length?

I have no idea what you or your wife is like, so I can only advise on the surface of this post. God knows you best.

From what I have read and your question, it seems like your wife may have an idea in her head what you should be like as a Christian husband and dad. This is no different than having a false idea about God. I really suggest you talk to God before you talk to your wife about this matter.

For me, going to God first is something I do when I feel like I have no control over a situation - and granted, we all don't. God is in control and since He does not want us to run to evil and run to Him instead, this is what I imagine life as a Christian is for every matter we don't know how to properly deal with.