I don't want to be a bad wife anymore!

[nonuser]

Hello, I would like to ask for some advice. I'll try to make this short although it is a very complex issue.

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have two lovely children. From the outside, things are great. But I am afraid I have wrecked my marriage.

I was diagnosed as bipolar after having major emotional issues since age 12. The doc put me on a bad medication 3 years ago which caused me to gain 70 pounds, develop a drinking problem, and a habit of talking to men online. Yes, it is as bad as it sounds. What's worse is, this whole time I blamed my husband for not being affectionate and supportive of my issues, threatening to have affairs and leave him.

The good news is, I quit the med, stopped all my bad habits and lost all the weight! I got off the couch, started making dinner again and oddly enough, my emotional problems have disappeared since quitting the horrible medication. I am sane again and NOTHING like the woman I was on while taking that med.

My problem is I am afraid I have caused irreparable damage to my marriage. I have recently been worried sick and anxious that my husband will leave me, even though he tries to tell me everything is fine. He actually tells me we are "soul mates," but I feel as though God will take him away from me because I don't deserve him. I feel literally sick to my stomach with guilt. I know he just wants to move on and forget it.

Anyway, I just need some opinions on how I can be a better wife and fix my marriage.

*I did find a good marriage counselor, who understands bipolar, but I am afraid that taking my husband to an appointment will only dredge up issues and make things worse....?*

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Hello, I would like to ask for some advice. I'll try to make this short although it is a very complex issue.

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have two lovely children. From the outside, things are great. But I am afraid I have wrecked my marriage.

I was diagnosed as bipolar after having major emotional issues since age 12. The doc put me on a bad medication 3 years ago which caused me to gain 70 pounds, develop a drinking problem, and a habit of talking to men online. Yes, it is as bad as it sounds. What's worse is, this whole time I blamed my husband for not being affectionate and supportive of my issues, threatening to have affairs and leave him.

The good news is, I quit the med, stopped all my bad habits and lost all the weight! I got off the couch, started making dinner again and oddly enough, my emotional problems have disappeared since quitting the horrible medication. I am sane again and NOTHING like the woman I was on while taking that med.

My problem is I am afraid I have caused irreparable damage to my marriage. I have recently been worried sick and anxious that my husband will leave me, even though he tries to tell me everything is fine. He actually tells me we are "soul mates," but I feel as though God will take him away from me because I don't deserve him. I feel literally sick to my stomach with guilt. I know he just wants to move on and forget it.

Anyway, I just need some opinions on how I can be a better wife and fix my marriage.

*I did find a good marriage counselor, who understands bipolar, but I am afraid that taking my husband to an appointment will only dredge up issues and make things worse....?*

Simply say, point blank, that you're going to do your best to be the wife you were intended to be. And then...actually do your best, day by day, to be the wife you were intended to be, Bi-polar or not bi-polar.

If you're husband is a godly man with a compassionate heart, I think he'll forbear with your previous shenanigans and decide to continue on with you.

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

 

[wayfaring man]

Sounds like you're being a good wife now !

With The Lord's help continue on - and the negativity of past failings will fade away.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well the fact he stuck around for 15 years with someone who is vi-polar shows his strong love. To many I've seen can't handle someone with it after awhile. And he stuck around despite all that you were doing. So I don't think hes going to go anywhere.

If your really sorry and changing he will see it and you won't have anything to worry about. If anything your story sounds like a incredible transformation. Just continue to love him, let him know. Relight the flame of passion. And know you have a good husband.

Damage wise there may be some, but honestly he sounds like hes not mad about it. He sounds supportive. Let go of your fear of him leaving and embrace your "new you" life which is going down a good track.

 

[SeventyOne]

That was one heck of a medication.

I know he just wants to move on and forget it.

Then do that the best you can. My wife had an affair early in our marriage. Let me tell you that it's a lot easier to regain trust when you've refrained on actually participating in those acts. I'd advise not to bring them up unless he wants to discuss them. It's been nearly 15 years since she cheated on me, and although I've forgiven her, I don't completely trust her still. The last thing I want is for her to talk about it, bringing up all those anger and distrust issues again.

 

[Neogaia777]

Hello, I would like to ask for some advice. I'll try to make this short although it is a very complex issue.

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have two lovely children. From the outside, things are great. But I am afraid I have wrecked my marriage.

I was diagnosed as bipolar after having major emotional issues since age 12. The doc put me on a bad medication 3 years ago which caused me to gain 70 pounds, develop a drinking problem, and a habit of talking to men online. Yes, it is as bad as it sounds. What's worse is, this whole time I blamed my husband for not being affectionate and supportive of my issues, threatening to have affairs and leave him.

The good news is, I quit the med, stopped all my bad habits and lost all the weight! I got off the couch, started making dinner again and oddly enough, my emotional problems have disappeared since quitting the horrible medication. I am sane again and NOTHING like the woman I was on while taking that med.

My problem is I am afraid I have caused irreparable damage to my marriage. I have recently been worried sick and anxious that my husband will leave me, even though he tries to tell me everything is fine. He actually tells me we are "soul mates," but I feel as though God will take him away from me because I don't deserve him. I feel literally sick to my stomach with guilt. I know he just wants to move on and forget it.

Anyway, I just need some opinions on how I can be a better wife and fix my marriage.

*I did find a good marriage counselor, who understands bipolar, but I am afraid that taking my husband to an appointment will only dredge up issues and make things worse....?*

I think your just afraid and worrying to much, it sounds like you are or you are continuing to work on and trying to be a good wife now, and you husband seems happy with it, right? If he stayed with you through all of that that was bad, why do you think he will leave now that things are better?

I think you think you deserve for him to do the same kind of thing(s) to or toward you as you did to him back then, but, I do not think he is, or he sounds like he's not that way... And that's not Love...

Take Joyce Meyer and her husband Dave, for example, now Joyce had to have been very hard to handle and deal with especially in her younger years, but, Dave was a good man, and didn't do back to her what she was doing to him, and he stayed loyal to her through it all...

Your husband kinda sounds like, or is he kinda like Dave...?

God Bless!

 

[Neogaia777]

I know he just wants to move on and forget it.

Then perhaps you should as well, that's a sign that he wants to forgive you and not let it be a factor in your guys relationship anymore...

 

[Archie the Preacher]

For Heaven's sake! Tell your husband what's going on!

If he loves you at all - and give him the benefit of the doubt - he'll get it. 'Recovery' of the marriage probably won't happen over night, but even if it doesn't, at least you will have been honest.

And PRAY about it.
Both of you.
Together.

Ask your church to pray for the situation. If you must, make it an 'unspoken' request. God will know what they're talking about, even if they don't.

And don't think no one else knows. There are very few secrets left.

 

[paul becke]

It sounds to me as if your husband really loves you, and loves you for who you are. I expect he feels as protective towards you as if he were your father, as well as your husband. He's forgiven you. You must forgive yourself, for his sake, as well as yours. Perhaps there were occasional acts and dereclitions occasioned by malice on your part, but basically, it seems the root cause was your bipolar condition.

In any case, you have reason to put your faith in his being a big enough man to not permit any 'raking over the coals' occurring during counseling to upset him and turn him against you. Take the pain you feel as a penance and as redemptive suffering, and offer it to God, for Him to use the grace you earn thereby to help other people in his great scheme of things, his Providence.

Find time to pray, seek comfort in it and in consoling passages of scripture. The Lord is your shepherd. You shall not want. Don't tell hubby, but I think he might be using him as his top sheep-dog.

And as somebody said above, take one day at a time. We are not called upon to be always doing heroic things, mostly we grow in holiness through trustful acceptance of our sufferings for Jesus' sake, and through doing the little things that need doing throughout the day with love, i.e. to glorify God

This prayer for today in the breviary seems apposite and might be helpful. At first I thought it might be worth personalizing it a little, but perhaps not ; perhaps this more inclusive prayer would be better :

'Holy Father and Lord,
you willed that Christ your Son,
should be the price of our salvation.
Give us grace to live,
that through sharing his sufferings
we may be strengthened by the power of his resurrection,
who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit,
God, for ever and ever.'

 

[Neogaia777]

You guys all have such great words and great advice, I'm enjoying reading them, I hope this is helping her...

God Bless!

 

[nonuser]

Thank you all for your words of comfort and encouragement. I am in tears a bit.

 

[Mrs.PGL]

Hello, I would like to ask for some advice. I'll try to make this short although it is a very complex issue.

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have two lovely children. From the outside, things are great. But I am afraid I have wrecked my marriage.

I was diagnosed as bipolar after having major emotional issues since age 12. The doc put me on a bad medication 3 years ago which caused me to gain 70 pounds, develop a drinking problem, and a habit of talking to men online. Yes, it is as bad as it sounds. What's worse is, this whole time I blamed my husband for not being affectionate and supportive of my issues, threatening to have affairs and leave him.

The good news is, I quit the med, stopped all my bad habits and lost all the weight! I got off the couch, started making dinner again and oddly enough, my emotional problems have disappeared since quitting the horrible medication. I am sane again and NOTHING like the woman I was on while taking that med.



My problem is I am afraid I have caused irreparable damage to my marriage. I have recently been worried sick and anxious that my husband will leave me, even though he tries to tell me everything is fine. He actually tells me we are "soul mates," but I feel as though God will take him away from me because I don't deserve him. I feel literally sick to my stomach with guilt. I know he just wants to move on and forget it.

Anyway, I just need some opinions on how I can be a better wife and fix my marriage.

*I did find a good marriage counselor, who understands bipolar, but I am afraid that taking my husband to an appointment will only dredge up issues and make things worse....?*

Honey, if you are bi-polar, you should know that they are famous for thinking they are fine and stopping meds.
You want to be a good wife, get back on your meds so he doesn't need to go through a relapse with you. And you won't have to go through it also. blessings.

 

[Neogaia777]

Honey, if you are bi-polar, you should know that they are famous for thinking they are fine and stopping meds.
You want to be a good wife, get back on your meds so he doesn't need to go through a relapse with you. And you won't have to go through it also. blessings.

If you do go back one med's, be sure to tell your doctor that you don't want anything too new... You want something that will be effective, but, has been around long enough to have a proven track record about results, side-effects, ect... And tell him you don't want anything that could have bad side-effects either...

I'd say a good, proven, mood stabilizer and anti-depressant would be a good start...

God Bless!

 

[Widlast]

He calls you a "soul mate"? That's cute. Just do your absolute best to be that "soul mate" and all should work out.
Bets of luck to you. And great you got off the meds, you don't know how many people have had their lives ruined by the wrong pharmaceuticals.

 

[Dave-W]

I was diagnosed as bipolar after having major emotional issues since age 12.

How long is your cycle time - from the Up side to the Down side and back to the Up again? Is it weeks, days, or years?

In a past congregation, one of the guys married a woman who was bipolar and had a cycle time of 3-5 years. And it was fairly evenly split between up (1 1/2 to 2 1/2 years) with a similar time being down and very little time in the middle. He stuck with her thru it all.

 

[nonuser]

How long is your cycle time - from the Up side to the Down side and back to the Up again? Is it weeks, days, or years?

Hi, that's a good question; I never really kept track but I'd say probably a few weeks to months.

I guess everything is fine. I wasn't going to bring it up last night but he asked me what was wrong, and kept reassuring me that all is OK and he doesn't think about the past. I said he was a saint, and he thought I said he was insane, and he said "I'M insane?" Lol.

 

[Dave-W]

Hi, that's a good question; I never really kept track but I'd say probably a few weeks to months.

I also had a bipolar coworker. Both he and the wife mentioned above tracked their ups and downs in order for their doctors to properly treat them.

IMO it would be a good idea to keep track of it. They have done some fantastic things with medicating that condition in the last 20 years. Both were on lithium which kind of made (the co worker at least) zombies.

 

[puregrl]

It sounds like your husband has forgiven you, but perhaps you have not forgiven yourself?? Realize that you made mistakes and you have made the decision to fix them and have been successful. You have committed to stay on this path, yes?
Go to counseling for your bipolar condition. Did they suggest he go to?

 

[HondaMan]

Take it from a guy.....we like to move on and throw the past away. Being repetitive to your man may actually annoy him more than what happened in the past. Tell him what is going on, ask for forgiveness, and move on. Men don't like to dwell on things too long. We seal the box, put it away, and move on to a new box.

 

[akmom]

Hm. Be careful about attributing all your behaviors to that medication, when it could have very well been your disorder. For some reason, a lot of bipolar people want to vilify their medications and downplay their condition. I guess they don't like how medication makes them feel? I don't know. You just have to remember that your own feelings are pretty subjective. I had a friend that was all about the medication when she was depressed, but she liked the "manic" phase. She would say she was "high on life," but to every one else observing her objectively she was acting... very very off. She really needed to be on something to function. If you don't like the medication you are on, perhaps talk to your prescriber about trying something else.