I don't know if I've ever believed from the heart. I know a lot of theology but I understand that doesn't cut it, and you need a heart change. God says we must be born again by water and his Spirit. I'm not sure I know the Spirit. People say you have to accept Jesus in your heart as your savior, yet the bible says God makes us born again (1 Peter chapter 1), and there's nothing we do because the action of the Spirit is like the wind. And besides, God elects and chooses who he saves.
I have thought for so long I might be a Christian because I study the word of God and I was baptized, and I try not to sin, although I'm lousy at that. But anyway, like I said, I don't know if my heart actually believes, maybe I've been doing this all on my own strength and trying to earn God's favor by trying to be good. I really question whether I'm saved or not.
I have asked so many times for a heart change, for God to save me, but what if there is a wall up and he won't hear me? I have sin in my life, but doesn't everyone struggle with sin? I even talk to God and tell him about my sins, although I don't know if I'm motivated by fear or love.
Bottom line, I don't know if I died today, whether I'd be judged or whether I'd be saved in grace. I really don't know. I'm actually getting upset and mad at God for not clearing my spiritual sight and spiritual ears. I am very mad, because he knows how hard of a life I've had, and I although I realize my behaviors bring condemnation, I also know I struggle to perceive reality. I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and I don't know how much that has played a part in my thought process and my heart attitude.
I'm in a real trap, a mental block of sorts. Jesus celebrated the fact that the Father reveals his kingdom to people with child-like faith and hides it from the wise and prudent. I think a person can have mental blocks.
I've struggled with sexual sin for most my life. It feels like I've been putting the effort to flee sexual sin all on my own. Again, I don't know if my heart has been changed and been given the Holy Spirit, so I could be struggling with this all by myself.
Does any of this sound familiar to any of you, or does anyone have any advice for me?
I have thought for so long I might be a Christian because I study the word of God and I was baptized, and I try not to sin, although I'm lousy at that. But anyway, like I said, I don't know if my heart actually believes, maybe I've been doing this all on my own strength and trying to earn God's favor by trying to be good. I really question whether I'm saved or not.
I have asked so many times for a heart change, for God to save me, but what if there is a wall up and he won't hear me? I have sin in my life, but doesn't everyone struggle with sin? I even talk to God and tell him about my sins, although I don't know if I'm motivated by fear or love.
Bottom line, I don't know if I died today, whether I'd be judged or whether I'd be saved in grace. I really don't know. I'm actually getting upset and mad at God for not clearing my spiritual sight and spiritual ears. I am very mad, because he knows how hard of a life I've had, and I although I realize my behaviors bring condemnation, I also know I struggle to perceive reality. I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and I don't know how much that has played a part in my thought process and my heart attitude.
I'm in a real trap, a mental block of sorts. Jesus celebrated the fact that the Father reveals his kingdom to people with child-like faith and hides it from the wise and prudent. I think a person can have mental blocks.
I've struggled with sexual sin for most my life. It feels like I've been putting the effort to flee sexual sin all on my own. Again, I don't know if my heart has been changed and been given the Holy Spirit, so I could be struggling with this all by myself.
Does any of this sound familiar to any of you, or does anyone have any advice for me?
