I did something horrible 13 years ago and I still can't shake it

[LaundrySoap]

When I was 14, in high school, there was a boy in my grade who was a tiny bit intellectually disabled. Tiny bit; I barely knew him but he was a nice kid and he was pretty normal over all.

Anyway, one day during passing time (the 5 minutes or so to get from one class to another) I was behind him (kind of to the side) in the hallway with a bunch of other kids. And for some reason, I decided to whisper "kill yourself, [kid's name]." I think he heard me because I was close to him, and I remember him being startled; he went down the stairs and looked back up at me. I'm not sure why I even did this horrible thing!

Not long after, we found out that one day he'd been hit by a car and killed. It was a very open stretch of road, there's no way he didn't see the car. And even some other kids were saying he killed himself (a rumor got started that another boy told him to kill himself). And the boy who died would bike to go take care of chickens, but he was on foot when he walked out in front of the car. Even the driver in the report was like "he just walked out in front of me."

I'm convinced this poor boy killed himself. And I'm convinced I contributed to it. It's been 13 years, and every few years I remember it. I feel like I need to turn myself in to the police or something.

I just don't know what to do. I know God forgives me, but there has to be some kind of human repercussion for this.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

The human repercussion is you have to live with doing it.

 

[LaundrySoap]

The human repercussion is you have to live with doing it.

That can't be it, though? That feels like it's not enough for, I feel like I need to tell some kind of legal authority or something...

 

[Gregory Thompson]

That can't be it, though? That feels like it's not enough for, I feel like I need to tell some kind of legal authority or something...

I wonder what the statute of limitations is on something like that.

 

[LaundrySoap]

I wonder what the statute of limitations is on something like that.

It... might be 10 years, per the law of the state I was in at the time...

And this happened almost 14 years ago.

I feel absolutely wretched.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

It... might be 10 years, per the law of the state I was in at the time...

And this happened almost 14 years ago.

I feel absolutely wretched.

It's supposed to feel wretched. Start from the bottom and don't imagine being any higher, stand where you are, that's where God meets you.

 

[sandman]

When I was 14, in high school, there was a boy in my grade who was a tiny bit intellectually disabled. Tiny bit; I barely knew him but he was a nice kid and he was pretty normal over all.

Anyway, one day during passing time (the 5 minutes or so to get from one class to another) I was behind him (kind of to the side) in the hallway with a bunch of other kids. And for some reason, I decided to whisper "kill yourself, [kid's name]." I think he heard me because I was close to him, and I remember him being startled; he went down the stairs and looked back up at me. I'm not sure why I even did this horrible thing!

Not long after, we found out that one day he'd been hit by a car and killed. It was a very open stretch of road, there's no way he didn't see the car. And even some other kids were saying he killed himself (a rumor got started that another boy told him to kill himself). And the boy who died would bike to go take care of chickens, but he was on foot when he walked out in front of the car. Even the driver in the report was like "he just walked out in front of me."

I'm convinced this poor boy killed himself. And I'm convinced I contributed to it. It's been 13 years, and every few years I remember it. I feel like I need to turn myself in to the police or something.

I just don't know what to do. I know God forgives me, but there has to be some kind of human repercussion for this.

Maybe you did contribute… maybe you didn’t …you don’t know and you will never know. Having a contrite heart is good …but if you want rectify the situation work to change others’ lives by teaching the Word of God.

You are not alone…my past resurrects itself on occasion which is considerably worse …I guess like Paul we just thank God for the forgiveness and deliverance bestowed upon us and know that we have a driving purpose to help others change from death unto life… You can’t change the past, but you certainly can redeem the times and change the future for others.

 

[disciple Clint]

Maybe you did contribute… maybe you didn’t …you don’t know and you will never know. Having a contrite heart is good …but if you want rectify the situation work to change others’ lives by teaching the Word of God.

You are not alone…my past resurrects itself on occasion which is considerably worse …I guess like Paul we just thank God for the forgiveness and deliverance bestowed upon us and know that we have a driving purpose to help others change from death unto life… You can’t change the past, but you certainly can redeem the times and change the future for others.

Yes and also consider that Paul participated in the execution of Stephen and persecuted Christians and then became a leader and converted vast numbers of people to Christianity.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

Yes and also consider that Paul participated in the execution of Stephen and persecuted Christians and then became a leader and converted vast numbers of people to Christianity.

Quite right, what matters is what you do next.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

When I was 14, in high school, there was a boy in my grade who was a tiny bit intellectually disabled. Tiny bit; I barely knew him but he was a nice kid and he was pretty normal over all.

Anyway, one day during passing time (the 5 minutes or so to get from one class to another) I was behind him (kind of to the side) in the hallway with a bunch of other kids. And for some reason, I decided to whisper "kill yourself, [kid's name]." I think he heard me because I was close to him, and I remember him being startled; he went down the stairs and looked back up at me. I'm not sure why I even did this horrible thing!

Not long after, we found out that one day he'd been hit by a car and killed. It was a very open stretch of road, there's no way he didn't see the car. And even some other kids were saying he killed himself (a rumor got started that another boy told him to kill himself). And the boy who died would bike to go take care of chickens, but he was on foot when he walked out in front of the car. Even the driver in the report was like "he just walked out in front of me."

I'm convinced this poor boy killed himself. And I'm convinced I contributed to it. It's been 13 years, and every few years I remember it. I feel like I need to turn myself in to the police or something.

I just don't know what to do. I know God forgives me, but there has to be some kind of human repercussion for this.

I know I would be haunted by this childhood memory so I understand. Even though we are forgiven God will not let us forget. You repented, I am certain, but now you may consider reconciliation with his family. That being said, you really need to get the facts first, he may not have committed suicide.
Blessings.

 

[LaundrySoap]

Thank you for replying so quickly everyone.

Maria: Since I barely knew him, and I don't know the family at all... I don't know how or if I should do that? I've researched the boy and nowhere does it say suicide; it was a lot of speculation on our parts. But it made sense. I just don't know if it was suicide, and the family kept it quiet, or if it was a genuine mistake where he walked into an oncoming car...

 

[disciple Clint]

I would suggest that you are assuming far too much responsibility for this unfortunate death. It is highly unlikely that simply suggesting to someone that they kill themselves would in fact cause them to do so. If he did intentionally kill himself, which is in doubt, there had to be much more motivating him than just a passing suggestion. You would not be convicted of a crime for what you did, much, much more is required before you would be considered responsible in any material way. I do understand you feelings you could volunteer to work in a crisis center where you could be directly responsible for saving lives after you received the required training or as someone suggested you could help people find Jesus in their hearts and save them forever, sometimes you can do both of these things, depends on the organization policies. Also satan is called the accuser for a reason he loves to work on your guilt, cast him out in the name of Jesus, free yourself in the name of Jesus.

 

[Joined2krist]

I think you need to speak to a Christian counselor. What you did was wrong but confess it to God, make ammends if you can then believe that God has forgiven you, let it go. God bless

 

[LaundrySoap]

I can't thank you all enough for replying to this so fast.

There's some uncertainty with the story as to whether or not how he died was intentional (as in, I do think it was intentional, and other people did too, but I wasn't close at all to him, his family, or his friend group). I just... ugh. I'm not sure what even came over me. Some stupid impulse I had at 14 years old, and it haunts me to this day.

 

[tturt]

When those thoughts come, encourage you to immediately put your focus on the Lord and His Word such as -
"For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee." Psa 86
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" I John 1:19
"As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us." Psa 103

 

[Blade]

ok allot of what you said is based on nothing more then speculation. Why not he never heard you and never saw the car. Trust me where he is right now he never ever has this thought. Its the enemy coming at you making sure you stay in the past. So if you think you were wrong repent and then trust in believe Christ forgives you. Its hard when we will not except His forgiveness and then allow the enemy to play games with us. He has to just watch. So forgive your self. You had nothing what so ever to do with that other car

In this story I think the one that feels so much worse is the driver of the car that hit him

 

[Aldebaran]

I can't thank you all enough for replying to this so fast.

There's some uncertainty with the story as to whether or not how he died was intentional (as in, I do think it was intentional, and other people did too, but I wasn't close at all to him, his family, or his friend group). I just... ugh. I'm not sure what even came over me. Some stupid impulse I had at 14 years old, and it haunts me to this day.

You were 14 at the time, and are 27 now. Much maturing happens between those years. Try to understand that kids say and do many immature things in their early years, and forgive yourself of the things you've done, just as Christ has forgiven you. I can see how it would be very difficult to think you had something to do with the death of another, and how it would be painful to live with. But since you don't really know that you were responsible for it in any way, I would try to not think about it. And I certainly wouldn't say anything to his parents or the legal authorities. I believe that would only create confusion and open old wounds.

As Blade said, the driver of the car that actually hit him may be questioning himself to this day. "Was I distracted at the time? Could I have swerved and avoided him if I hadn't been thinking about something that happened earlier?"

There may have even been other kids who teased him in school, and they might be wondering the same thing as you are.

 

[Diamond7]

I know God forgives me

Sounds like you do not forgive yourself. It is interesting in Heaven people forgive. Somehow they are able to make things right there.