I cheated on my husband who's in prison

[Jv926]

I've been married for 6 years but have been together almost 9 years. Long story short he's in prison for embezzlement from the company he worked out. He could've taken his case to trial but to avoid myself getting charged he took the 100% fault and signed for a 20 year sentence. He is up for parole in March. We was taken into custody March 2016 to give you a timeline. When he was taken we had just opened up a restaurant 8 months prior. So I've been the one running it from top to bottom as well as a smaller 2nd location too. And dealing with both of our financials without a real income as the business doesn't profit yet and I have dug myself in a huge hole of debt.
I started talking to this man back in May and opened up about my situation. He would listen give me advice and vice versa with his relationship. We would text each other a lot and would see each other for short periods of time when he would take a break at work or on his lunch break. We would make out in the car and that's it.
My husband recently told me he's noticed changes in me and I'm not the same and I kept denying I was taking to anyone but last Wednesday I confessed i had and that we had been making out in his car but I didn't let it get passed that. He has told his sister and mother about what I've done as well and I have confided in my mother. He is so hurt and said I'm tainted and he can't believe i did that and that I don't love him etc. Understandable about his feelings...I have apologized over and and over and I know it's not worth much right. I told him I want to get back on track that I do love him so much. And that I just used this guy as an escape and I just strayed but they this man meant nothing to me. He said he needs to see that I changed and that I need to show him that I love him and that he can trust me again. Thouhj it's a bit difficult to show this while he's in prison. But I can send him cards and pictures and letters etc. He says he loves me and that I'm the love of his life but he can't get this out of his head. I know it's going to take work and we both want to get past this. I accept my fault and I'm not making any excuses because whether he is free or in prison we took vows and are married.
One of his conditions though was that I have to apologize to his mother and sister for what I've done. And to get closer to them because they have said and he has noticed that I've distanced myself.
Yes, maybe I have distanced myself but why do I need to apologize to them for cheating on my husband? I feel that this is between me and him and our relationship. He said if I don't work things out with his family then me and him will not work. Am I wrong for thinking this? I just don't think I need to apologize for something I didn't do to them.

 

[Symph]

Honestly in this kind of situation I don't think you have a lot of room to be questioning what he feels he needs from you. Even if what he needs is irrational. I mean, I can put myself in his shoes because of a situation I won't give details about, but when you feel betrayed like that, it's not a choice to get it of your head, it's not a choice to feel normal, and the only thing that really fixes it is seeing a repentance in your partner that goes to the deepest depths, that shows you they'd do anything to make this right. I actually had a similar thing I asked of my wife (she didn't cheat on my but the situation relates) where looking back what I asked of her wasn't necessarily... had I been a perfect man I wouldn't have needed it. But at the time her questioning it in light of what she'd done to me, just dug the knife in so much further, and I would have healed easier if she would have just put herself aside and realized she'd hurt me to deep for me to be able to be reasonable, I just had needs.

I mean, is it just one of those things where you don't see the reason for it and you feel it's really kind of awkward and just "what would I even say to them" kind of thing? Cause honestly, for your marriage, isn't that a small price to pay? That's all I'm comfortable saying because I don't want to make you feel bad, its not easy to judge a situation like this over a forum. But... just think about what I said I suppose, I hope this all works out, be thankful your husband is willing to try to move past it, that shows he loves you.

 

[HereIStand]

It should be between you and your husband. Talking with his mother and sister would be unnecessary and awkward. God Bless.

 

[sdmsanjose]

What is most important to you; your thinking that you do not need to apologize for something that you did not do to them or your marriage? At this point those are your only two options.


What will help rebuild your shaky relationship with your husband; your making out with another man or apologizing?

 

[DZoolander]

How does someone get a 20 year sentence, go into custody in March of 2016, and be up for parole in March of 2018?

 

[Jv926]

How does someone get a 20 year sentence, go into custody in March of 2016, and be up for parole in March of 2018?

He had done some time the previous year. Not sure how else time works there but I do know aggravated crimes have to do half their sentence and his isn't aggravated.

 

[Goatee]

You should have waited and told him when he gets out as now he has your infidelity on his mind 24/7 locked up in prison! That must be torture for him.

Who am I to talk anyway, I know, as I am an adulterer too!

 

[Jv926]

Yes I didn't plan on telling him now. But he kept asking over and over and over and I gave in

 

[amariselle]

I will pray for you. I do not have any profound advice to offer, though I have to agree that this is truly between you and your husband. Bringing a number of other people into the equation isn't helpful or necessary in my opinion.

I think you both have a lot of healing to do. Understand, I'm not pointing fingers, but, you have both let each other down in your marriage (he is in prison, afterall).

Don't play the blame game by any means, but I truly think you both need to honestly work out your problems between only the two of you, at least initially, and by taking them to God. Perhaps Church council (that is less biased, than family or friends) could help as well.

Praying for you.

 

[Jv926]

You should have waited and told him when he gets out as now he has your infidelity on his mind 24/7 locked up in prison! That must be torture for him.

Who am I to talk anyway, I know, as I am an adulterer too!

I will pray for you. I do not have any profound advice to offer, though I have to agree that this is truly between you and your husband. Bringing a number of other people into the equation isn't helpful or necessary in my opinion.

I think you both have a lot of healing to do. Understand, I'm not pointing fingers, but, you have both let each other down in your marriage (he is in prison, afterall).

Don't play the blame game by any means, but I truly think you both need to honestly work out your problems between only the two of you, at least initially, and by taking them to God. Perhaps Church council (that is less biased, than family or friends) could help as well.

Praying for you.

Thank you so much!!!

 

[akmom]

Aren't you worried that your husband will implicate you in the embezzlement? You implied that you were involved... the reason he didn't go to trial. A twenty-year sentence is a big sacrifice, parole or not. He must have really loved you. Frankly I'd be terrified of betraying someone with any dirt on me...

Since he can't be there to monitor you, he is kind of delegating his family to do that. By apologizing to them, you are apologizing to an extension of him that is free... I'm guessing. Or maybe it's just about putting yourself out there. It's easy to apologize to a locked-up guy with no recourse. Maybe he wants it to be harder, mean more.

 

[lovejt209]

I've been married for 6 years but have been together almost 9 years. Long story short he's in prison for embezzlement from the company he worked out. He could've taken his case to trial but to avoid myself getting charged he took the 100% fault and signed for a 20 year sentence. He is up for parole in March. We was taken into custody March 2016 to give you a timeline. When he was taken we had just opened up a restaurant 8 months prior. So I've been the one running it from top to bottom as well as a smaller 2nd location too. And dealing with both of our financials without a real income as the business doesn't profit yet and I have dug myself in a huge hole of debt.
I started talking to this man back in May and opened up about my situation. He would listen give me advice and vice versa with his relationship. We would text each other a lot and would see each other for short periods of time when he would take a break at work or on his lunch break. We would make out in the car and that's it.
My husband recently told me he's noticed changes in me and I'm not the same and I kept denying I was taking to anyone but last Wednesday I confessed i had and that we had been making out in his car but I didn't let it get passed that. He has told his sister and mother about what I've done as well and I have confided in my mother. He is so hurt and said I'm tainted and he can't believe i did that and that I don't love him etc. Understandable about his feelings...I have apologized over and and over and I know it's not worth much right. I told him I want to get back on track that I do love him so much. And that I just used this guy as an escape and I just strayed but they this man meant nothing to me. He said he needs to see that I changed and that I need to show him that I love him and that he can trust me again. Thouhj it's a bit difficult to show this while he's in prison. But I can send him cards and pictures and letters etc. He says he loves me and that I'm the love of his life but he can't get this out of his head. I know it's going to take work and we both want to get past this. I accept my fault and I'm not making any excuses because whether he is free or in prison we took vows and are married.
One of his conditions though was that I have to apologize to his mother and sister for what I've done. And to get closer to them because they have said and he has noticed that I've distanced myself.
Yes, maybe I have distanced myself but why do I need to apologize to them for cheating on my husband? I feel that this is between me and him and our relationship. He said if I don't work things out with his family then me and him will not work. Am I wrong for thinking this? I just don't think I need to apologize for something I didn't do to them.

Hi how are you i e arcoss your post cause was trying o find some support with other wives that were going through something similar to my situation. my husband also is in prison and hes been there for 15 years and about i too have cheated i felt really guilty and stayed away for along time and come to find out he still loves e but he too ant get over hat ive done i im the truth bout everything he still thinks im lying the last two years have been ard i feel like im losing him i havent been a good wife i didnt know how . i do u cope with things? And if you ever need someone to talk to im here. In california but it all works .

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Am I the only one sitting here wondering how a spouse who’s been sent to prison to serve extensive time has any right to talk about how the non incarcerated spouse broke their trust and now has to atone?

I mean, they are in jail... Here’s guessing the path that got them there was something of a betrayal of trust in the marriage too... It’s something else to look at the person who stood by them through all that and was willing to forgive their mistake and then turn right around and talk about what all needs to do to make it up to them when their partner messes up.

“I’ve committed a crime...”
“I’ll stand by you”
“I’m going to jail for two decades”
“I’ll wait for you...”
“Hey cool, thanks.”
“I’m sorry, I cheated while you were away and I want to fix it.”
“HOW DARE YOU...”

I mean... None of that adds up to me in the whole logical chain of events. Then again, I’ll be the first to admit that I love my husband and I will be with him for the rest of my life... Unless he’s convicted of a crime and sent to jail for a few decades. Then I will be brokenheartedly yet quite angrily be at the court window after he’s sentenced asking if I can file some paperwork.

Even with the OP where they both broke the law I’m sitting here scratching my head wondering how the guy who went to jail so his complicit wife wouldn’t go to jail would be at all surprised said complicit wife would betray his trust. I mean really... You mean the girl who had no issue morally or ethically with seeing her spouse do time to save her butt also has issues with impulse control and being trustworthy with other ethical and moral situations? You don’t say... Who would have guessed (I mean, besides the guy who said that thing about “no honor among thieves”).

Second poster, if it were me and my spouse who did something so unforgivable to my marriage was unwilling to forgive one of my unforgivable misdeeds, I’d cut my losses and tell him when he comes out he can avail himself of the reintroduction programs at the jail that assist with finding jobs and housing. The dynamic that is being asked for is highly uneven, where one spouse expects a lot of getting and not so much giving in return.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Such a complicated issue. I've seen one or two situations where a spouse has cheated on their spouse while that spouse was in jail/prison and many throw stones at them. But not really seeing your spouse much for years on end is not easy. People will drift off and maybe turn to another person. Not intentionally usually.

Yes, cheating is bad. However, before he goes nuts about how you cheated and what not, he should apologize for the fact he "cheated" a company out of something. In other words both of you are wrong and neither should be treated like one is more innocent than the other. Granted I'd be more accepting of a spouse that embezzled versus a spouse that cheated. Cheating is more personal to deal with.

I'd tell him you both made mistakes because of all this and want to make things work still. Maybe when he gets out you two can go get counseling. If he can't accept it and will continue to think about what you did, then he needs to maybe spend some time on his own reading the bible. Because forgiveness is a key thing that is taught. If someone really wants to make a marriage work, they have to be forgiving. No matter the pain of what happened. Without forgiveness (and letting go), anger, depression...etc will take over until the point of one of them leaves the other for good.

 

[Angeldove97]

I wouldn't apologize to his family... you didn't do anything to them.

This is why we shouldn't run our mouths to our relatives about what the spouse has done. I wouldn't talk to my sister or Mom about this and I know my husband wouldn't have shared any of this with his parents or brother.