I can't get over this guy I met online two years ago.

[pinkjess]

I met this guy on Reddit in early 2018 after posting lengthy cries for help during a really lonesome period of my life. We hit it off really well and could message for hours and never run out of things to talk about. At first I was a little annoyed by how much he messaged me but soon I found he and I had a lot in common, and he was very interesting to talk to.

He had a lot of problems himself and after a while I felt safe to share my problems with him, something I had never done with anybody. It was a very liberating and freeing experience. I soon found I felt like I could tell him anything and everything, and I slowly opened up.

The messaging on Reddit turned into exchanging numbers and texting each other. After a while I realized the guy had some pretty serious emotional issues like myself, and he had very low self-worth. He went through a lot of pain during his childhood and it sadly screwed him up. I still wanted to get to know him anyhow.

In summer 2018 had a health issue come up and had to leave my job for a few months to recover and he was the only one there for me, even though he wasn't "there" with me. He would send me pictures of sunsets and funny videos of him at work or playing the piano and whenever I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling scared he would somehow text me right when I needed him. He'd say "I'm here" and immediately I felt safe. We'd fall asleep texting each other talking about cuddles and how we'd snuggle if we were together and all that cutesy stuff and when I was feeling bad it really comforted me and gave me strength. I thanked God for this guy every night, almost in tears.

Soon we did a video chat and I was nervous as fudge because I have social anxiety, but we ended up talking for a little over an hour. He gave me a tour of his home and showed me his yearbook pictures. I looked in his eyes and I swear I could have melted. Even though I wasn't "there" it felt like it. I was his "Ladybug" and he was my "Snugglebug". We'd make up nicknames for each other all the time.

I loved everything about him. His brokenness, his childhood, his quirkiness, his sarcasm--everything he shared with me. There were times we got into conflict and swore off texting but we always ended up talking again. We were supposed to meet up several times but since we live 1,000 miles away from each other it was near impossible because neither of us had the money or opportunity. We talked about the future several times, what if we meet and want to be together,

I always got upset that he said I would have to move to where he is . He has a huge house his father used to rent off to tenants and gave to him. Completely paid off. He had moved so many times in childhood and never felt like he had a stable place to call home and now he has one. I will not take that away from him. I do not want to rip his home from him, but at the same time, I can't leave my family here where I am.

This year we came to an agreement that it would be healthier and better for us if we just keep things platonic and not talk about lovey stuff or plans to move. But lately my feelings of wanting to be close to him have come back and I don't know what to do. I feel like I love him. After two years I can't seem to forget about him. I've tried getting to know other guys but I still want this one. He might have BPD but I know I cannot fix him, that is not my job. But I want to take care of him and love him through it.

So what is wrong with all of this? I have never met this man in flesh and blood and by a normal standpoint I should not be acting like I know him or love him--because I have never met him. I realize what a mess I got myself into. Now I'm literally stuck with intense feelings of wanting to be closer to him that I can't make reality--at least not yet. I don't even know if I should, or can.

I don't want to forget about him or move on or love anybody else. I feel like he was my soulmate. But I know how ridiculous and unfounded that statement is. I feel like God is mad at me for having feelings for this man. I pray for Him to help me hate these feelings but I know at the end of the day only I can fix this.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

Didn't you already post about this in here already?

 

[bèlla]

It would impossible to converse with the frequency and depth you both displayed without feelings entering the picture. That's inevitable. Especially when you're vulnerable and alone or dealing with challenges. The end result is attraction and a desire to spend more time together. Which strengthened the bond and the want to share your life with him. That's understandable.

After numerous disappointments and setbacks you made a mature decision to change the way you relate with each other. Largely influenced by your inability to move beyond the phone. Falling wasn't difficult. But solidifying the connection is your stumbling block.

Given the distance and lack of resources. Your limitations placed you in dire straits. You'd be forced to forgo a future in deference to a relationship that will never be more than this. I've seen this firsthand in chat rooms in the past.

You're longing for the past and what you shared because things changed. While forgetting the ramifications distance brought. You wanted more. You needed more and planned along those lines. What you had was not enough. You'd grown beyond it. Rekindling the way you once related won't alter the truth. You may compromise or accept the limitations in deference to the loss.

But are you willing to spend the rest of your life this way? And would you want for him to do the same and forgo the possibility of more with someone else? Someone to share his life and home with.

If you love him how could you deny him the happiness he wants? Or yourself? You deserve more than that. Both of you.

~Bella

 

[pinkjess]

It would impossible to converse with the frequency and depth you both displayed without feelings entering the picture. That's inevitable. Especially when you're vulnerable and alone or dealing with challenges. The end result is attraction and a desire to spend more time together. Which strengthened the bond and the want to share your life with him. That's understandable.

After numerous disappointments and setbacks you made a mature decision to change the way you relate with each other. Largely influenced by your inability to move beyond the phone. Falling wasn't difficult. But solidifying the connection is your stumbling block.

Given the distance and lack of resources. Your limitations placed you in dire straits. You'd be forced to forgo a future in deference to a relationship that will never be more than this. I've seen this firsthand in chat rooms in the past.

You're longing for the past and what you shared because things changed. While forgetting the ramifications distance brought. You wanted more. You needed more and planned along those lines. What you had was not enough. You'd grown beyond it. Rekindling the way you once related won't alter the truth. You may compromise or accept the limitations in deference to the loss.

But are you willing to spend the rest of your life this way? And would you want for him to do the same and forgo the possibility of more with someone else? Someone to share his life and home with.

If you love him how could you deny him the happiness he wants? Or yourself? You deserve more than that. Both of you.

~Bella

Is the right thing to do letting go of him?

 

[ReesePiece23]

You're in love with the ideas you've created in your head.

It's an uncomfortable reality to confront, but it's time you did. I literally know more about this guy than I do you.

 

[Willing-heart]

Is the right thing to do letting go of him?

Seriously, just turn the page already. Love only has what it let go, so let go and let God.

 

[pinkjess]

Didn't you already post about this in here already?

Its bothering me again

 

[JustSomeBloke]

Dear Jess,

I'm sorry to say this sounds like a dysfunctional, dead end relationship to me. And having read some of your previous threads, it seems clear that weaning yourself off this relationship is going to be extremely challenging for you. My advice is that you need something else to fill your time, and occupy your thoughts. When you're busy you won't miss the contact with him. I suggest you join us here in the Singles forum. I'm sure I speak for all the regulars here when I say that you'll be very, very welcome to join us. There's lots of interesting threads here, and plenty of funny chat and banter. So come on over and join us! What are you waiting for? Your new life starts right here, right now, in the Singles forum!

 

[bèlla]

Is the right thing to do letting go of him?

What are you really holding? Look at your hands. Is he there? Can he fill them? Going back isn’t going to change that. You’ll be alone tonight and tomorrow and every day after. Until you realize this is not enough and accept his presence was for a season that has come and gone. You’ll remain in this place.

Fading a little more as each day passes. Until there’s nothing left. You’re empty and jaded and all by yourself. You’ll resent your decision to pledge your heart to a man you can never have.

If he moves on and finds another while you’ve put your life on hold for these encounters. You will grow angry and embittered after awhile. Because you expect him to do the same. And he won’t. Not for long.

Stop drinking from a well that won’t quench your thirst. Find another and leave him alone. Its done.

~Bella

 

[pinkjess]

Dear Jess,

I'm sorry to say this sounds like a dysfunctional, dead end relationship to me. And having read some of your previous threads, it seems clear that weaning yourself off this relationship is going to be extremely challenging for you. My advice is that you need something else to fill your time, and occupy your thoughts. When you're busy you won't miss the contact with him. I suggest you join us here in the Singles forum. I'm sure I speak for all the regulars here when I say that you'll be very, very welcome to join us. There's lots of interesting threads here, and plenty of funny chat and banter. So come on over and join us! What are you waiting for? Your new life starts right here, right now, in the Singles forum!

Thank you

 

[pinkjess]

What are you really holding? Look at your hands. Is he there? Can he fill them? Going back isn’t going to change that. You’ll be alone tonight and tomorrow and every day after. Until you realize this is not enough and accept his presence was for a season that has come and gone. You’ll remain in this place.

Fading a little more as each day passes. Until there’s nothing left. You’re empty and jaded and all by yourself. You’ll resent your decision to pledge your heart to a man you can never have.

If he moves on and finds another while you’ve put your life on hold for these encounters. You will grow angry and embittered after awhile. Because you expect him to do the same. And he won’t. Not for long.

Stop drinking from a well that won’t quench your thirst. Find another and leave him alone. Its done.

~Bella

That really hurts but I know its true

 

[bèlla]

That really hurts but I know its true

It will hurt for a time. But if he left you for another you'll feel worse.

~Bella

 

[Ronit]

It would impossible to converse with the frequency and depth you both displayed without feelings entering the picture. That's inevitable. Especially when you're vulnerable and alone or dealing with challenges. The end result is attraction and a desire to spend more time together. Which strengthened the bond and the want to share your life with him. That's understandable.

After numerous disappointments and setbacks you made a mature decision to change the way you relate with each other. Largely influenced by your inability to move beyond the phone. Falling wasn't difficult. But solidifying the connection is your stumbling block.

Given the distance and lack of resources. Your limitations placed you in dire straits. You'd be forced to forgo a future in deference to a relationship that will never be more than this. I've seen this firsthand in chat rooms in the past.

You're longing for the past and what you shared because things changed. While forgetting the ramifications distance brought. You wanted more. You needed more and planned along those lines. What you had was not enough. You'd grown beyond it. Rekindling the way you once related won't alter the truth. You may compromise or accept the limitations in deference to the loss.

But are you willing to spend the rest of your life this way? And would you want for him to do the same and forgo the possibility of more with someone else? Someone to share his life and home with.

If you love him how could you deny him the happiness he wants? Or yourself? You deserve more than that. Both of you.

~Bella

Bella you are very wise.

 

[Ronit]

Just keep him in your prayers and let God do the rest. If it wasn't meant to be a least you have tasted what it feel like to be cared for, dare I say, loved because I'm not sure.
We hold the ones we love in our heart.
Like the sayin goes... "Let Go and Let God."

 

[Ronit]

And I am speaking to myself as well friend.

 

[bèlla]

Bella you are very wise.

Thank you for the compliment. I've seen situations like the OP's firsthand and also dated within my vicinity and outside of it on many occasions. I advise ladies to avoid forming connections if financial encumbrances will hinder meetings or future plans. When engaging with a prospect I ask three questions after I've established a measure of compatibility:

Are you able to travel without restriction? This is to determine if meetings will be limited to vacations or if work demands hinder his flexibility.

How often do you expect to meet? What is your preference? This is self-explanatory.

If the relationship goes forward; who's moving? That's usually me since I'm self-employed. I don't consider men who reside in places I wouldn't live. That's counterproductive.

I advocate clarity on travel expenses. Is he funding it or are you taking turns and sharing the load? I would check the costs for a flight or train ride along with your accommodations and a rental car if needed.

It's easy to get carried away with the idea of the union until reality hits. You must confront your comfort with long separations if money is tight. This is the greatest point of struggle for long distance couples.

~Bella

 

[pinkjess]

Just keep him in your prayers and let God do the rest. If it wasn't meant to be a least you have tasted what it feel like to be cared for, dare I say, loved because I'm not sure.
We hold the ones we love in our heart.
Like the sayin goes... "Let Go and Let God."

Thank you.