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I can't get over my boyfriend's ex

Discussion in 'Young Adults' started by TD21, Oct 18, 2020.

  1. TD21

    TD21 New Member

    1
    +1
    United States
    Christian
    In Relationship
    I have never done anything like this before but I really need help. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years, our anniversary being this Friday. He is older than me and has had one previous relationship. They dated twice and only a few months each time. She also broke up with him both times. But for some reason, I just can't get over it and I keep thinking about her and what their relationship was like. I compare myself to her and our relationship with theirs. I have seen multiple pictures of them together when they were dating and they haunt me.

    I have issues with other things, but this is the main problem right now. I have also hurt my own feelings by digging around and finding stuff that shouldn't even bother me but it does. He always reassures me and tells me that has never had one thought about her through our entire relationship. I believe him, but my mind still makes me think these bad thoughts. I don't want to break up with him but I just can never seem to be happy. I pray all the time about it. I know that the main cause is probably insecurity issues but I am really stuck.

    I know that his past shouldn't bother me but it will not leave my head. Even when I really am happy, these thoughts and pictures are always in the back of my mind. I deleted some of my social media apps just to take a break because I know how harmful they can be to a person's self-esteem. I have talked to friends, family, and my boyfriend about my issues, sometimes I am better for a while, but then something sparks these emotions and I fall back into this hole. I really just need some advice and other people's thoughts.
     
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  2. Brian Mcnamee

    Brian Mcnamee Well-Known Member

    +946
    Non-Denom
    Married
    you will drive him away if you give in to these emotional irrational fears. Love is selfess, believes all things hope for the best and does not consider the wrongs of the past. Your whole trip is based on your own insecurities and that sense of safety is your starting point. You put Jesus and your faith as the #1 thing in you r life and you are promised peace, joy and a full life. right now the attitudes you foster will poison your relationship and unless you learn to walk in the Spirit and lay aside the things of the flesh that are selfish and demanding you will have big problems. through prayer you need to adjust your view of life and be trusting the LORD to lead and guide both your behavior and your life choices.
     
  3. Tolworth John

    Tolworth John Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,189
    United Kingdom
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Think for a moment. Life is full of potential insecurities, that friend is she really your friend, your job does your boss really value you and your work, ditto co workers, neighbours, family, one's health and finance.

    Look further into the future and your children, leaving home to go to nursery, Sunday school, school to have play dates go to parties will they be safe with other adults!

    Face your fears, look at them, how realistic are they,what evidence is there for your fears?

    If you find this difficult talk to your doctor to get councelling

    As for this X don't pray about your feelings pray for her, for her benefit. None of this ' Oh God bless the X rubbish.
    But pray intelligently for her good, that she finds a partner she can marry, and be happy with.
     
  4. thehehe

    thehehe Well-Known Member

    859
    +1,069
    France
    Catholic
    Single
    Do you know Daphné du Maurier's Rebecca? Same as you, the main character struggles to accept there was another woman before her, and moreover struggles to accept she is the one loved right now.
    It's one thing to accept to love, it's another one to accept to be loved.
    Don't let your insecurities get the best part of you. You are there right now, you deserve it. Your boyfriend might have chosen her before, but he chooses you right now. He chooses you each day as he stays with you. This is the only thing that truly matters, and the only thing you should see & accept.
    People change. The boy she dated was different from the one you're dating now. So I'll only ask this : do you care for him? Do you choose him everyday, everytime you talk with him ? if yes, this is amazing. You chose him and he chose you. But you chose him, only him, not his ex-girlfriend. She is a part of his past, not of himself.
    For what you said, it seems you are well-aware of your insecurities - as I said, it is incredibly difficult to accept to be loved, it may be even harder than the other way around. It requires courage, a little bit of boldness to accept to be loved. You may need help to get over it, don't hesitate to ask for it around you or get a mental help if necessary. But you need to focus on the two of you in your relationship, and remember you chose your boyfriend for what he is now and not for the people who played a part in his past.
    Anyway, I hope things will get better for you, I wish you all the best :)
     
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