• The General Mental Health Forum is now a Read Only Forum. As we had two large areas making it difficult for many to find, we decided to combine the Mental Health & the Recovery sections of the forum into Mental Health & Recovery as a whole. Physical Health still remains as it's own area within the entire Recovery area.

    If you are having struggles, need support in a particular area that you aren't finding a specific recovery area forum, you may find the General Struggles forum a great place to post. Any any that is related to emotions, self-esteem, insomnia, anger, relationship dynamics due to mental health and recovery and other issues that don't fit better in another forum would be examples of topics that might go there.

    If you have spiritual issues related to a mental health and recovery issue, please use the Recovery Related Spiritual Advice forum. This forum is designed to be like Christian Advice, only for recovery type of issues. Recovery being like a family in many ways, allows us to support one another together. May you be blessed today and each day.

    Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist

I can't confront . is this wrong?

Macchiato

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Feb 24, 2019
951
899
Ccccc
✟137,358.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
So my grandmother that was supposed to watch my kids disappeared on me. Shes a 40ish minute drive away when we got her( brought her to our house) she pitched a fit said she didnt want to do it anymore and left while i was still at work. She was gone before i got home.

Now....

My grandma keeps calling me non-stop. I tell my mom that i dont answer bc if I do Im telling her she's wrong for leaving how she did and she can't watch my kids period. My mom said dont say that. Tha ts rude and that these are your kids and you cant get mad.

I said true but I WAS PAYING HER TO WATCH THEM. Not only that but she AGREED to do this. My mom said you know your grandma isnt reliable you didnt get blindsided. I always have a plan B ( i tried her dad at first he flaked. Almost lost my job. Tried my bro it was too much my mom said it was too much for him and i need to use my granny. Tried her and this happened. )

I want to do daycare but they fear monger say theyll be abused or molested. Im not being responsible doing that... If anything happens to them i shouldnt be able to live with myself. But the main reason i cant is because i work long hours and Id need someone to pick them up and i know no one would bc they dont agree with daycare.

Then Friday-- my dad argued with me how my kids are my responsibility He doesnt want to watch them bc he wants to read and his time costs. But when i mention daycare he gets mad saying im not being a good mom putting them in harms way then says.. I cant quit my job to watch my kids either bc the financial responsibility falls back on them. ( im not quitting)

Its so annoying. Its like im doing my best... and i have to take so much bs. I dont feel like i should hold my tongue with my grandma bc she was dead wrong.. I think my mom has a high tolerance for my grannys bs bc she treated them terribly. My mom said she'd have to find her mom alot ( just a snippet but my grandma wasnt a good mom)

Long story short..

Am I wrong? ( my plan since im working full-time now basically.. Save and get my own place and put them in daycare)
 

mindfulzen

Well-Known Member
Aug 4, 2021
535
265
45
south
✟6,349.00
Country
Norway
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Celibate
Not in the wrong, if what you tell us is true. Financial agreement, verbal contract to babysit. But if she is like you say, why would you put your kids through it? Why not get a stranger to watch your kids, who do not quit in the middle of the job? Agency might be expensive, but are there not teenaged girls watching kids for cash no more? Too lazy? I thought many americans lacked money now. And I thought you had a lot of illegals who did jobs like this on the cheap. If your kids are like 6-7, you cannot rely on a babysitter who just leave. If they are 12-13 you can. If they can feed themselves she will do. But she sounds angry
 
Upvote 0

Pavel Mosko

Arch-Dude of the Apostolic
Supporter
Oct 4, 2016
7,236
7,312
56
Boyertown, PA.
✟768,575.00
Country
United States
Faith
Oriental Orthodox
Marital Status
Single
I don't think your wrong, and I would probably chew out someone if I was in your shoes. To tell you the truth, I would tempted to cut off contact with some of my relatives like your father. Which might not be possible, if you are living under the roof etc. But it is not fair to be in double jeopardy of having to work yet also "being responsible taking care of your kids" those things are mutually exclusive given your means unless you are running your own day care etc. Which maybe should be something to consider...
 
  • Agree
Reactions: Macchiato
Upvote 0

Macchiato

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Feb 24, 2019
951
899
Ccccc
✟137,358.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Not in the wrong, if what you tell us is true. Financial agreement, verbal contract to babysit. But if she is like you say, why would you put your kids through it? Why not get a stranger to watch your kids, who do not quit in the middle of the job? Agency might be expensive, but are there not teenaged girls watching kids for cash no more? Too lazy? I thought many americans lacked money now. And I thought you had a lot of illegals who did jobs like this on the cheap. If your kids are like 6-7, you cannot rely on a babysitter who just leave. If they are 12-13 you can. If they can feed themselves she will do. But she sounds angry
Bc im at my moms house. She doesnt want strangers in there.
 
  • Informative
Reactions: mindfulzen
Upvote 0

Macchiato

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Feb 24, 2019
951
899
Ccccc
✟137,358.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
I don't think your wrong, and I would probably chew out someone if I was in your shoes. To tell you the truth, I would tempted to cut off contact with some of my relatives like your father. Which might not be possible, if you are living under the roof etc. But it is not fair to be in double jeopardy of having to work yet also "being responsible taking care of your kids" those things are mutually exclusive given your means unless you are running your own day care etc. Which maybe should be something to consider...
Yeah. I dont know how i haven't said any words to anyone yet.
 
Upvote 0

mindfulzen

Well-Known Member
Aug 4, 2021
535
265
45
south
✟6,349.00
Country
Norway
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Celibate
Bc im at my moms house. She doesnt want strangers in there.
I see, that is an obstacle. I would think it would be more fruitful for you to talk to your mother, and make her drop that principle, and interview a babysitter together and agree on one. Your mother must see that your granny is no good. She probably just wantt it to be her, because she does not want to let go of her, even though she hates her. And think it is good that your kids are around your grandmother while she is alive, which it is not. And since your mom tolerate the [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] from your granny, despite not being a good mother to your mom, and seems to be a bad granny, she will be swayed, I think. Because I think she loves you more. And her grandkids. Just trying to keep the family together,despite toxic relations in it, people tend to do that and selfdestruct together in misery. Rather than distance and live happy apart. I guess your granny is the smallest child in your familystructure, and it is assumed she needs the most caring. So you and others are put on the backburner, because you have the strength to do it, and need less. Unfortunately life is like this often, those who do bad get grace, that they do not deserve, and the ones who do good does not get what they deserve. Good luck, it will seem hard, but you can fix it.
 
Upvote 0

Macchiato

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Feb 24, 2019
951
899
Ccccc
✟137,358.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
I see, that is an obstacle. I would think it would be more fruitful for you to talk to your mother, and make her drop that principle, and interview a babysitter together and agree on one. Your mother must see that your granny is no good. She probably just wantt it to be her, because she does not want to let go of her, even though she hates her. And think it is good that your kids are around your grandmother while she is alive, which it is not. And since your mom tolerate the [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] from your granny, despite not being a good mother to your mom, and seems to be a bad granny, she will be swayed, I think. Because I think she loves you more. And her grandkids. Just trying to keep the family together,despite toxic relations in it, people tend to do that and selfdestruct together in misery. Rather than distance and live happy apart. I guess your granny is the smallest child in your familystructure, and it is assumed she needs the most caring. So you and others are put on the backburner, because you have the strength to do it, and need less. Unfortunately life is like this often, those who do bad get grace, that they do not deserve, and the ones who do good does not get what they deserve. Good luck, it will seem hard, but you can fix it.
Listen. Ive tried to talk to my mom. I truly have. In the past and a few days ago. My mom is stubborn when i brought up daycare i just get fear mongering. So a stranger is out coming over is way out.

I cant change people's minds or make them do what i want them to do. If i could it'd be done already.
 
Upvote 0

Macchiato

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Feb 24, 2019
951
899
Ccccc
✟137,358.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
I see, that is an obstacle. I would think it would be more fruitful for you to talk to your mother, and make her drop that principle, and interview a babysitter together and agree on one. Your mother must see that your granny is no good. She probably just wantt it to be her, because she does not want to let go of her, even though she hates her. And think it is good that your kids are around your grandmother while she is alive, which it is not. And since your mom tolerate the [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] from your granny, despite not being a good mother to your mom, and seems to be a bad granny, she will be swayed, I think. Because I think she loves you more. And her grandkids. Just trying to keep the family together,despite toxic relations in it, people tend to do that and selfdestruct together in misery. Rather than distance and live happy apart. I guess your granny is the smallest child in your familystructure, and it is assumed she needs the most caring. So you and others are put on the backburner, because you have the strength to do it, and need less. Unfortunately life is like this often, those who do bad get grace, that they do not deserve, and the ones who do good does not get what they deserve. Good luck, it will seem hard, but you can fix it.

Also my granny isnt baby sitting my kids anymore. Ita my brother. My mom and my bro.
 
Upvote 0

Soyeong

Well-Known Member
Mar 10, 2015
12,416
4,600
Hudson
✟281,745.00
Country
United States
Faith
Messianic
Marital Status
Single
So my grandmother that was supposed to watch my kids disappeared on me. Shes a 40ish minute drive away when we got her( brought her to our house) she pitched a fit said she didnt want to do it anymore and left while i was still at work. She was gone before i got home.

Now....

My grandma keeps calling me non-stop. I tell my mom that i dont answer bc if I do Im telling her she's wrong for leaving how she did and she can't watch my kids period. My mom said dont say that. Tha ts rude and that these are your kids and you cant get mad.

I said true but I WAS PAYING HER TO WATCH THEM. Not only that but she AGREED to do this. My mom said you know your grandma isnt reliable you didnt get blindsided. I always have a plan B ( i tried her dad at first he flaked. Almost lost my job. Tried my bro it was too much my mom said it was too much for him and i need to use my granny. Tried her and this happened. )

I want to do daycare but they fear monger say theyll be abused or molested. Im not being responsible doing that... If anything happens to them i shouldnt be able to live with myself. But the main reason i cant is because i work long hours and Id need someone to pick them up and i know no one would bc they dont agree with daycare.

Then Friday-- my dad argued with me how my kids are my responsibility He doesnt want to watch them bc he wants to read and his time costs. But when i mention daycare he gets mad saying im not being a good mom putting them in harms way then says.. I cant quit my job to watch my kids either bc the financial responsibility falls back on them. ( im not quitting)

Its so annoying. Its like im doing my best... and i have to take so much bs. I dont feel like i should hold my tongue with my grandma bc she was dead wrong.. I think my mom has a high tolerance for my grannys bs bc she treated them terribly. My mom said she'd have to find her mom alot ( just a snippet but my grandma wasnt a good mom)

Long story short..

Am I wrong? ( my plan since im working full-time now basically.. Save and get my own place and put them in daycare)

It may be the case that your grandma is truly sorry for what she died and wants to apologize. I don't think that you need to berate her for what she did, just calmly explain how what she did really hurt you, it is causing your a lot of stress, and then set up a boundary by discussing with what she thinks should be the consequences if she continues to flake on you up to and including blocking her number.

Likewise, it might be worth it to then have a conversation with your parents where you calmly seek their advice about what they think you should do when you can't watch your children and go to work at the same time because if you find a solution that involves taking their advice, then they are more likely to help you rather than just looking for a daycare without their input. Yes, your kids are your responsibility, and part of that responsibility is finding someone to watch them when you are at work. They need to offer workable solutions, not just criticize your solutions.

I think it is unlikely that children sent to daycares will be molested, but if you want, you can try to find a Christian daycare or ask around to see if anyone you know in your local congregation who runs or works at one or would be willing to help you with transportation to one. There might also be a local transportation service that could pick them up.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0

mindfulzen

Well-Known Member
Aug 4, 2021
535
265
45
south
✟6,349.00
Country
Norway
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Celibate
Listen. Ive tried to talk to my mom. I truly have. In the past and a few days ago. My mom is stubborn when i brought up daycare i just get fear mongering. So a stranger is out coming over is way out.

I cant change people's minds or make them do what i want them to do. If i could it'd be done already.
You might be right. I just read your personal story, worded by you, and I got a feeling about the ones involved. And it seemed like your mother would be easier to reach a solution with, then to finish raising your granny which must be 75 years old. She cannot change. I do not know your situation, but in my days, friends and neighbours girls tended to act as babysitters before it became a professional occupation for adults. Ever though about pooling babysitter with others to save costs, and have your kids sent to a friends house with other kids? Like carpooling, if translation make it unclear. Might there not be some sort of groups on social media for your local area, if you do not have friends in the same situation? Just brainstorming and trying to solve it for you. Seems urgent, you need a sitter tomorrow right?

Another one sprang too mind. Ever heard about old folks who miss their grandkids because they are far away, and are lonely? Well, some put out ads or asks on social media, to get assigned fake grandkids to granny up. Old widows who are all alone after husband has died. All alone in a city without family. Some groups also do the matchmaking for you. Then it sort of is through a safe agency.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

1watchman

Overseer
Supporter
Oct 9, 2010
6,039
1,226
Washington State
✟358,358.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
The original message is quite unclear to me. It sounds like the g'ma is being blamed for something she did not want to do, so allow that and leave her to her own choices (and be kind to her in her old age). One should not be demanding of anything, but asking in a kind and nice way. One should go hire a reliable baby sitter when needed (checking to make sure they are reliable).
All participants in this seem to need to calm down, have a good and godly spirit; and man and wife need to find a nice time and spirit to sit down some evening and talk about how to live a godly and pleasant life together.
I hope the participants are true "born again" saints (John 3; John 14; Romans 8), and are seeking to put the Lord Jesus FIRST in their hearts, which will give peace and blessings to all and a secure future forever --in eternity. That is the foundation for a happy home.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0