I am stunned and at a loss...

[AmaK]

My "hubster" and I are empty nesters. We have been pastors, teachers, and missionaries to Central America. We have been amongst many cultures and feel most comfortable with those of a different culture than the average American church. We have been through a rough few years due to hubster's health issues and having to leave a church we loved because the pastor spoke ill of African culture after returning from a "mission" trip. [He did this to our faces, and we were amazed that he would say such derrogatory things. I won't continue on that issue- it is lengthy and complicated.] Hubster has had some difficulty with gainful employment due to 6 surgeries and all the recovery during these years, causing us to move away from there. We miss having friends.
We have been in this small town for almost a year. We moved here to be close to our son during a time of healing, both physical and emotional. I was not happy about this move because it is in an area of the state we lived previously and the people are COLD, both spiritually and socially. They build quite a wall to keep new people OUT. They have lived there for generations and don't need any one else.
But I tried to make a go of this and embrace the possibility of God doing something unexpected. I have tried to "make myself friendly" as is often suggested when someone says they want friends. We have invited 5-6 times other couples to get together. We get push back. The weird thing is, our son is the youth pastor here! Yet not once in 10 months has anyone invited us to do anything, including visit a small group! We did it on our own, and with only 3 offered, there just isn't one that works with our schedule or our personalities. And we have a wide range of experience with different people... so that shouldn't be too hard, but it is. I have gone to the different functions, such as Women's ministry. But no one even speaks to me! And yet they know of our son and his wife and kids! AWKWARD. Add to all this, that we finally met with the Pastor after waiting 6 months to place membership ( because he kept putting us off!) and I asked about starting a group for Artists and he said it would be great. So i emailed him the details of what I have done in the past. That was the first of December. He did not respond at all. I spoke to him twice after service since then and he said he still wanted to see that happen. But he has never followed through. So here I am, offering my time and skills to build up others and he is doing nothing despite promising to meet and even telling my husband 3 times that he is going to call to discuss .
I refuse to allow anger and bitterness to be a part of my heart/life. So I guess it is time to look elsewhere. We both feel it is. We don't want to hurt our son or DIL, and have been very careful not to discuss our dissapointment. They have been treated wonderfully and are happy in the place they are called to. I guess is it not OUR place, that may be the true issue. As this area is "swamped" - dug in- and closed off, finding a welcoming place could be difficult. Or maybe we will have a surprise and find a congregation with "like minded people". God could do it!

 

[Halbhh]

I think that when a region is so cold, that usually there will be some there that are not cold. But how to find them? The natives, those there all their lives, will tend to be a little hard to get over the barrier with, and I'm saying that from here in the Midwest, where I did not grow up, which is probably less cold than some areas, but felt pretty coolish to me (being from Oklahoma and Texas), and here in this area we do have a local advantage that some are not from here originally or have lived elsewhere a time, so some relationships formed easily with those immigrants, or those that lived at least some time in other areas of the country. I felt disappointed for a while that only some of the people where seemingly friendly. It was a distrust of new people (and it's a very serious problem on the individual level for salvation I fear for them, but I hope that's changed some now). I poured on the love, much moreso than I could have without the love from above I received more when I began to put all I had into doing the greatest commandment

29“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
Mark 12 NIV

He said, John 13:34 A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another.

So, I was usually the one taking the first step, though we were surprised early on when my wife was having a minor thing done of some kind and taking a sick day, and the church secretary showed up unexpected with a lasagna for us. But the thing is, for the natives that hadn't lived elsewhere, for some, it took years of effort to break down their not-love. But I don't think they saw it as not-love, but in a crowded suburb, you can't know everyone, so you don't even try. Now, it's unusual, but I had made a friend where I used to live that made a point of going to meet strangers in public places, like at restaurants or grocery stores and such, so that we would go out, and to my discomfort, he would talk to a total stranger and then after a bit introduce me. So I'd had years of that done to me before we moved to the midwest. Another helpful thing is our church does "sharing of the peace" where it's normal to shake hands with many people, and I kind of took that and increased it.

 

[1watchman]

My "hubster" and I are empty nesters. We have been pastors, teachers, and missionaries to Central America. We have been amongst many cultures and feel most comfortable with those of a different culture than the average American church. We have been through a rough few years due to hubster's health issues and having to leave a church we loved because the pastor spoke ill of African culture after returning from a "mission" trip. [He did this to our faces, and we were amazed that he would say such derrogatory things. I won't continue on that issue- it is lengthy and complicated.] Hubster has had some difficulty with gainful employment due to 6 surgeries and all the recovery during these years, causing us to move away from there. We miss having friends.
We have been in this small town for almost a year. We moved here to be close to our son during a time of healing, both physical and emotional. I was not happy about this move because it is in an area of the state we lived previously and the people are COLD, both spiritually and socially. They build quite a wall to keep new people OUT. They have lived there for generations and don't need any one else.
But I tried to make a go of this and embrace the possibility of God doing something unexpected. I have tried to "make myself friendly" as is often suggested when someone says they want friends. We have invited 5-6 times other couples to get together. We get push back. The weird thing is, our son is the youth pastor here! Yet not once in 10 months has anyone invited us to do anything, including visit a small group! We did it on our own, and with only 3 offered, there just isn't one that works with our schedule or our personalities. And we have a wide range of experience with different people... so that shouldn't be too hard, but it is. I have gone to the different functions, such as Women's ministry. But no one even speaks to me! And yet they know of our son and his wife and kids! AWKWARD. Add to all this, that we finally met with the Pastor after waiting 6 months to place membership ( because he kept putting us off!) and I asked about starting a group for Artists and he said it would be great. So i emailed him the details of what I have done in the past. That was the first of December. He did not respond at all. I spoke to him twice after service since then and he said he still wanted to see that happen. But he has never followed through. So here I am, offering my time and skills to build up others and he is doing nothing despite promising to meet and even telling my husband 3 times that he is going to call to discuss .
I refuse to allow anger and bitterness to be a part of my heart/life. So I guess it is time to look elsewhere. We both feel it is. We don't want to hurt our son or DIL, and have been very careful not to discuss our dissapointment. They have been treated wonderfully and are happy in the place they are called to. I guess is it not OUR place, that may be the true issue. As this area is "swamped" - dug in- and closed off, finding a welcoming place could be difficult. Or maybe we will have a surprise and find a congregation with "like minded people". God could do it!

You seem to be very troubled, and it is good that you "refuse to allow anger and bitterness". I think one needs to move on from the past and not dwell on it. Saints of God have a "born again" relationship with God-the Father, through Jesus, the Christ of God (John 1; John 3; John 14), so we need to be shut up to Him (regardless of what others think or say) and learn to stay close in our walk and conversation with the Savior, which pleases God ---right? We need to help all saints worldwide as we feel called to do, as you suggest. I pray for your help by God ---note Isaiah 26:3.

I recommend the very sound web site at Biblecounsel.net for much of what our God intends for us in His pathway.

 

[david shelby]

"having to leave a church we loved because the pastor spoke ill of African culture after returning from a 'mission' trip."

If you don't think ill of a culture, why would you try and change it? Trying to convert a culture is automatically thinking ill of it, that it needs change. I think you're being hypocritical. You think ill of that culture just as much as that pastor, or you wouldn't support sending mission trips there to change their culture.

 

[Branes51]

Excuse me, but it was the express command of Jesus Christ that we spread the Gospel to all nations and to all peoples.
MATTHEW 28:18-20 "And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you."

Making disciples of Christ may or may not change a culture, but that's what God commands. We may have respect for other cultures and their religious beliefs, but as Christians we know that they are wrong, period. There is only one way to God and that is through Jesus Christ.
JOHN 14:6 "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
That doesn't leave any room for debate or other religions.

It may give you a nice, fuzzy feeling to believe that all people are God's children and all religions are acceptable, which is one of Satan's biggest lies, but that's not what Jesus said. If you are not a child of God, born of the Spirit, then you are a slave of sin and child of Satan. Period. End of story. So, yes. We are to change that culture if that culture is leading them to eternal damnation.
But we do it with love and not condemnation.
It may not be popular, especially in today's political and social environment, but it is Truth.

 

[Angelina2]

My "hubster" and I are empty nesters. We have been pastors, teachers, and missionaries to Central America. We have been amongst many cultures and feel most comfortable with those of a different culture than the average American church. We have been through a rough few years due to hubster's health issues and having to leave a church we loved because the pastor spoke ill of African culture after returning from a "mission" trip. [He did this to our faces, and we were amazed that he would say such derrogatory things. I won't continue on that issue- it is lengthy and complicated.] Hubster has had some difficulty with gainful employment due to 6 surgeries and all the recovery during these years, causing us to move away from there. We miss having friends.
We have been in this small town for almost a year. We moved here to be close to our son during a time of healing, both physical and emotional. I was not happy about this move because it is in an area of the state we lived previously and the people are COLD, both spiritually and socially. They build quite a wall to keep new people OUT. They have lived there for generations and don't need any one else.
But I tried to make a go of this and embrace the possibility of God doing something unexpected. I have tried to "make myself friendly" as is often suggested when someone says they want friends. We have invited 5-6 times other couples to get together. We get push back. The weird thing is, our son is the youth pastor here! Yet not once in 10 months has anyone invited us to do anything, including visit a small group! We did it on our own, and with only 3 offered, there just isn't one that works with our schedule or our personalities. And we have a wide range of experience with different people... so that shouldn't be too hard, but it is. I have gone to the different functions, such as Women's ministry. But no one even speaks to me! And yet they know of our son and his wife and kids! AWKWARD. Add to all this, that we finally met with the Pastor after waiting 6 months to place membership ( because he kept putting us off!) and I asked about starting a group for Artists and he said it would be great. So i emailed him the details of what I have done in the past. That was the first of December. He did not respond at all. I spoke to him twice after service since then and he said he still wanted to see that happen. But he has never followed through. So here I am, offering my time and skills to build up others and he is doing nothing despite promising to meet and even telling my husband 3 times that he is going to call to discuss .
I refuse to allow anger and bitterness to be a part of my heart/life. So I guess it is time to look elsewhere. We both feel it is. We don't want to hurt our son or DIL, and have been very careful not to discuss our dissapointment. They have been treated wonderfully and are happy in the place they are called to. I guess is it not OUR place, that may be the true issue. As this area is "swamped" - dug in- and closed off, finding a welcoming place could be difficult. Or maybe we will have a surprise and find a congregation with "like minded people". God could do it!

Perhaps you could start in your neighbourhood and invite people to come for dinner or something. These folks may not be christians but you have to start somewhere. Once you have established a good friend base perhaps you could branch out from there. You seem to have some art skills. You could drop an add in the local paper and see if there is any interest of getting folks together for an art class or gathering at your place etc. You may be surprised how many non- believers would be interested, particularly if you got to know your neighbours. This may kickstart a ministry outside the body of Christ and it would also be an avenue for you and hubby to find the right church who would jump at the chance to have you both join them....Jm2C

 

[Radagast]

We moved here to be close to our son during a time of healing, both physical and emotional. I was not happy about this move ... The weird thing is, our son is the youth pastor here! Yet not once in 10 months has anyone invited us to do anything

There is obviously something going on here, but from your post it is hard to tell what.

 

[1watchman]

Excuse me, but it was the express command of Jesus Christ that we spread the Gospel to all nations and to all peoples.
MATTHEW 28:18-20 "And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you."

Making disciples of Christ may or may not change a culture, but that's what God commands. We may have respect for other cultures and their religious beliefs, but as Christians we know that they are wrong, period. There is only one way to God and that is through Jesus Christ.
JOHN 14:6 "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
That doesn't leave any room for debate or other religions.

It may give you a nice, fuzzy feeling to believe that all people are God's children and all religions are acceptable, which is one of Satan's biggest lies, but that's not what Jesus said. If you are not a child of God, born of the Spirit, then you are a slave of sin and child of Satan. Period. End of story. So, yes. We are to change that culture if that culture is leading them to eternal damnation.
But we do it with love and not condemnation.
It may not be popular, especially in today's political and social environment, but it is Truth.

Very good and Godly summary, friend! -1watchman

 

[Astroqualia]

My "hubster" and I are empty nesters. We have been pastors, teachers, and missionaries to Central America. We have been amongst many cultures and feel most comfortable with those of a different culture than the average American church. We have been through a rough few years due to hubster's health issues and having to leave a church we loved because the pastor spoke ill of African culture after returning from a "mission" trip. [He did this to our faces, and we were amazed that he would say such derrogatory things. I won't continue on that issue- it is lengthy and complicated.] Hubster has had some difficulty with gainful employment due to 6 surgeries and all the recovery during these years, causing us to move away from there. We miss having friends.
We have been in this small town for almost a year. We moved here to be close to our son during a time of healing, both physical and emotional. I was not happy about this move because it is in an area of the state we lived previously and the people are COLD, both spiritually and socially. They build quite a wall to keep new people OUT. They have lived there for generations and don't need any one else.
But I tried to make a go of this and embrace the possibility of God doing something unexpected. I have tried to "make myself friendly" as is often suggested when someone says they want friends. We have invited 5-6 times other couples to get together. We get push back. The weird thing is, our son is the youth pastor here! Yet not once in 10 months has anyone invited us to do anything, including visit a small group! We did it on our own, and with only 3 offered, there just isn't one that works with our schedule or our personalities. And we have a wide range of experience with different people... so that shouldn't be too hard, but it is. I have gone to the different functions, such as Women's ministry. But no one even speaks to me! And yet they know of our son and his wife and kids! AWKWARD. Add to all this, that we finally met with the Pastor after waiting 6 months to place membership ( because he kept putting us off!) and I asked about starting a group for Artists and he said it would be great. So i emailed him the details of what I have done in the past. That was the first of December. He did not respond at all. I spoke to him twice after service since then and he said he still wanted to see that happen. But he has never followed through. So here I am, offering my time and skills to build up others and he is doing nothing despite promising to meet and even telling my husband 3 times that he is going to call to discuss .
I refuse to allow anger and bitterness to be a part of my heart/life. So I guess it is time to look elsewhere. We both feel it is. We don't want to hurt our son or DIL, and have been very careful not to discuss our dissapointment. They have been treated wonderfully and are happy in the place they are called to. I guess is it not OUR place, that may be the true issue. As this area is "swamped" - dug in- and closed off, finding a welcoming place could be difficult. Or maybe we will have a surprise and find a congregation with "like minded people". God could do it!

Good on you for not letting yourself get bitter, even though that would be understandable if you did, though it would be wrong.

 

[Astroqualia]

"having to leave a church we loved because the pastor spoke ill of African culture after returning from a 'mission' trip."

If you don't think ill of a culture, why would you try and change it? Trying to convert a culture is automatically thinking ill of it, that it needs change. I think you're being hypocritical. You think ill of that culture just as much as that pastor, or you wouldn't support sending mission trips there to change their culture.

Mission trips aren't intended to change any culture. It's intended to share the gospel of Jesus. Some of these cultures have had Christianity within their circles for a long time, to produce good fruit.

 

[RBPerry]

Rejection hurts, no question about it. I've been rejected by a large portion of my family and friends because I left the SDA denomination many years ago.
One thing I have learned, if your are moving into a relatively large church it takes time to get to know people. Our congregation is about 2600 people, for the first two years I felt like my wife and I must have the plague, we just couldn't connect with anyone.
The church lost it's counselor, so I applied and was hired. For the first few months, nothing, no one seeking advice, wanting help, or just wanting to chat. Then little by little we began to get to know people, and the next thing I knew was I didn't have enough hours in the day for the requests.
My point to all this must be obvious, you must get involved, don't try too hard with acquaintances, it takes time to get to know people and a lot longer to earn their trust.
The thing is, if you move on to another church, you are going to be starting all over again. As for your pastor, many pastors just can't keep up with all the requests made of them.
In our previous church one day the pastor came to chat and was frustrated because he just couldn't keep up with the demands on him. I told him he needed to be honest with people and let them know, he is only human and can only do so much. Most people do not understand all the demands put on a pastor.

 

[timf]

When one is disappointed, angry, or frustrated it is usually because there is a conflict between what one expects and reality. This can be more intense if this happens suddenly.

If people treat others with warmth but not you, you might ask several questions.

1. Is this a cultural difference?
2. Is warmth only extended to functional participants of a church system?
3. Am I seen as critical or judgmental?
4. Do I express an interest in the others?
5. Is there a doctrinal difference?

My wife and I were shunned because of a doctrinal difference and I didn't even notice because the fellowship was so anemic. I only learned years later when a friend apologized to me. and told me that the pastor had instructed everyone to avoid me