I am spiteful and vindictive.

[StormInside]

Whenever I feel that someone has done something to me that I'm not happy about, I go out of my way to cause as much trouble for them as possible. For example, my mother began allowing this woman to ride her horse, because the woman didn't have any other enjoyment in her life. I felt that this woman wasn't friendly to me, so I spent ages nagging my mum to take the horse away from her, which she eventually did to shut me up. I insisted that she move her horse and my horses to a place where this woman couldn't reach them. But in this new place, the owner has been overcharging us and I don't think she puts in enough effort looking after the horses. I got so angry with her that, when I found out that she didn't have planning permission for her stables and was being paid cash in hand, I reported her to the authorities, 3 times, 3 seperate complaints to try and make sure they'd take it seriously and take some action against her.

When a friend of mine wasn't spending enough time with me and I felt used and neglected by her, I called her parents and told them all the things she'd been doing (taking drugs, sleeping around, etc) and she was grounded. (I mean that was years ago, I'm 28 now.)

When I paid for hypnotism to cure a phobia and it didn't work, I was very angry as he'd promised it would work. I reported the hypnotist to the tax authorities because he'd given me a fake tax receipt. Not because I care about the tax issue but just to get him in trouble.

Basically I am always doing whatever I can to get people I'm angry with in as much trouble as possible. My own mother says that I'm evil, spiteful, cruel and scary. I don't know why but I absolutely cannot forgive people when they've upset me. I have tried but I genuinely don't know how. I get a huge enjoyment from getting them in trouble and if I could think of any other ways to wreck their lives I'd do that too. But does it make me happy? No. I don't know why I'm like this. I spend all day fantasising about getting revenge on everyone and I really wish I could stop.

 

[Contrar]

Look to the transformative power of gods grace. Focus on God's love for us for it is written in 1 john 4:19, "We love because he first loved us." The lord forgives us and has blessed us in so many ways. Read about and pray to see his grace, and love so that you can forgive others. Once you have love you can forgive instead of smoldering in bitterness.

 

[RuthD]

Get close to Jesus and he will teach you forgiveness. I am praying for you.

 

[Tigger45]

Well at least you're aware of your behavior and honest about it. On a faceless internet site anyway. There are those with that behavior that really don't care and that is a very dark way of being. 1 Tim. 4:2 Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron. Turn away from your behavior while you still can. Take this seriously you are on a very slippery slope. I have my own slippery slopes to deal with so don't think that I am writing with any arrogance. For but by the grace of God there go I. God bless you sister.

 

[Purge187]

I still have issues with forgiveness and letting go of the past myself. Flip through the Bible and jot down passages that deal with forgiveness (or any other problem you might be having) and study them every day. It helps me.

 

[Victory of the Cross]

I agree you need to let Jesus remove the unforgiveness as its frankly deadly serious to live in unforgiveness.

Jesus said if you don't forgive you will not be forgiven.

Meaning God won't forgive you (salvation) unless you forgive others.

Recognising you have this problem is a step in the right direction though

 

[StormInside]

But I was hoping for some step by step advice on how to stop this. Just knowing that I should forgive people clearly isn't helping.

 

[Victory of the Cross]

What I would do is make a list of every time Jesus says about forgiveness and write it down or print it out

And whenever you get that feeling of unforgiveness read what Jesus said about it, repeatedly even until the feeling passes

Jesus even on the cross forgave those who put him up there

It's what people call renewing your mind, aka replace old feelings with better more positive ones