I am not worthy

[blackwolf001]

My heart may be beautiful but it is in such emotional pain right now .. that i cant see why anyone should love me.Apart from close family I have always been rejected.. why shouldnt God do different? I know he wont but why shouldnt he? I just wish the second appearence and trhe start of the kingdom of God would start right now .. end all this pain and turmoil.. finish this world off for good and take us all back home to where we belong.. Heaven! No more pain, suffering, anguish over lost loves (or lack of ), no more feeling unworthy of anything. I have had enough of this world and the pain it causes .. BUT i cant end it myself I have tried. Still here though Wont try again I just dont feel trapped at home I feel trapped in this life... and I cant see a way out .. Sorry for putting a downer in this .. So many people feel this way but they wont speak up. Afraid that if they be honest about their feelings that they will be put down and ridiculed. Weel one thing I am is honest .. almost to a fault Am I Christ like? far from it .. but i follow his teachings as best I can. I try not to judge (human nature is to judge its what we are taught), but i feel judged all the time by other people .. enough .. this gonna get like a self pitying ramble if I dont stop now .. God where r u?

 

[oi_antz]

My heart may be beautiful but it is in such emotional pain right now .. that i cant see why anyone should love me.

Well, I love you. If a stranger can love you after hearing only two posts from you, why can God not love you for knowing you entirely, with every blemish only adding to your character.

Apart from close family I have always been rejected.. why shouldnt God do different?

You need to believe what God says, because He doesn't lie. When Paul writes, he too doesn't lie, and when Christians agree to what is true, we don't lie. You need to read the following passage and believe it because it is the truth that God showed Paul and every Christian believes this. This is what gives us victory over sin and the strength to face each day:

Romans 8:35-39
New Living Translation (NLT)
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”[a]) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Read it again. Read it slow, understand exactly what each word says, and believe it. This is how much God loves you.

I know he wont but why shouldnt he?

I don't want to shock you but it is my belief that He can choose to reject you if you disobey Him. That is why we must repent daily, every time we become aware of something we are doing that God doesn't want us to do. And if you refuse to obey God then He cannot protect you anymore and you can fall victim to demonic attacks. Because Jesus is given authority over all heaven and earth, even the demons must obey Him. If you obey God's law, He is legally entitled to save you from evil. It is very important to exercise repentance.

I just wish the second appearence and trhe start of the kingdom of God would start right now .. end all this pain and turmoil.. finish this world off for good and take us all back home to where we belong.. Heaven! No more pain, suffering, anguish over lost loves (or lack of ), no more feeling unworthy of anything. I have had enough of this world and the pain it causes ..

Yes I have felt like that at times, it really is hard for good to share the world with the evil, and vice-versa, but there are many souls who are destined for glory and God will not forfeit them for any one person's sake. If that was His attitude then Jesus would never have been sacrificed, but we must all wait for time to pass and then God can send Jesus to resolve the matter.

BUT i cant end it myself I have tried. Still here though Wont try again I just dont feel trapped at home I feel trapped in this life... and I cant see a way out .. Sorry for putting a downer in this .. So many people feel this way but they wont speak up. Afraid that if they be honest about their feelings that they will be put down and ridiculed. Weel one thing I am is honest .. almost to a fault

Fair enough. Yes, demons are especially good at convincing us to kill ourselves, and they absolutely love doing that to Jesus' lambs because when the lamb grows into a lion then they have a strong enemy. Nip it in the bud they say, well you must overcome them and fight for Jesus.

Am I Christ like? far from it .. but i follow his teachings as best I can.

That is a contradiction.

I try not to judge (human nature is to judge its what we are taught), but i feel judged all the time by other people .. enough .. this gonna get like a self pitying ramble if I dont stop now .. God where r u?

Keep your eyes on the goal:

Revelation 21
New Living Translation (NLT)
Revelation 21

The New Jerusalem

1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. 2 And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.
3 I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them.[a] 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

5 And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” 6 And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. 7 All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.

8 “But cowards, unbelievers, the corrupt, murderers, the immoral, those who practice witchcraft, idol worshipers, and all liars—their fate is in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”

I think from speaking to you here that you need to concentrate more effort on your faith. How often do you read the Bible? You don't seem to understand how important it is to put your faith in what the Bible says. Do you understand that God cannot lie, therefore everything the Bible says is true? Well then you need to read it and apply what you learn from it to your life. It is the seed which grows into eternal life. Remember too that you need to develop a relationship with Jesus. If you don't have that relationship then you need to plead for Him to enter your life and become your best friend. He really actually does that with us. If you have never asked Jesus into your life then that is what you should do, because when you give your life over to Jesus then He will train you up to be a strong soldier, a soldier of truth. Not depressed but full of joy and eager to help everyone else come to know Jesus for the truly good person He is.

So have a think about what's been said, pray to God, ask Jesus to become real in your life and then just open the Bible and read it, expecting to learn something new that God wants you to know that you never knew before, because that is how God speaks to us. The Bible is the blessed word of God that whenever you read it you can hear God speaking to you, you just need to believe that and read with faith. I hope you can do this, and you will literally feel better the very instant that God speaks to you. Let us know how you go with that

 

[blackwolf001]

I think I understand what u are saying. For me it isnt easy to trust anything or anyone due to past experience I read the bible everyday.. maybe not as much as I should and I pray everyday. I have asked Jesus to fill my heart .. He is a big part of my life. I am being tested and I feel I am failing I am one of His Children I am having some hard days and doubting. Most of the time I feel his presence but sometimes it feels as if nothing is there My problem also is that I need Human company .. a wife would be nice ahhh what am I saying.. I feel as if I am going to be alone forever well in this life anyway .. not forever I no longer want to be alone. Spiritually I am not alone .. and people say that we dont need any more than that .. i am sorry but I do I put in a prayer request earlier.. maybe u can see what it is I am having trouble with .. in a way. OK I agree that God wont abandon me and that is probably one o fmy problems .. feelings of abandonment .. everyone but my close family ends up abandoning me .. and even the one I love seems to have done this .. nah enough. Shouldnt write anymore now

 

[oi_antz]

I think I understand what u are saying. For me it isnt easy to trust anything or anyone due to past experience I read the bible everyday.. maybe not as much as I should and I pray everyday. I have asked Jesus to fill my heart .. He is a big part of my life. I am being tested and I feel I am failing I am one of His Children I am having some hard days and doubting. Most of the time I feel his presence but sometimes it feels as if nothing is there My problem also is that I need Human company .. a wife would be nice ahhh what am I saying.. I feel as if I am going to be alone forever well in this life anyway .. not forever I no longer want to be alone. Spiritually I am not alone .. and people say that we dont need any more than that .. i am sorry but I do I put in a prayer request earlier.. maybe u can see what it is I am having trouble with .. in a way. OK I agree that God wont abandon me and that is probably one o fmy problems .. feelings of abandonment .. everyone but my close family ends up abandoning me .. and even the one I love seems to have done this .. nah enough. Shouldnt write anymore now

Well I cannot see what you lack because it is God who looks into your heart and does the healing, but do you have a personal relationship with Jesus where you can just put all your worries upon Him and He will tell you which verse of the Bible to read? I find that when God tells me to read this verse and that, it really helps me when I need Him the most. Do you have that sort of relationship with Jesus?

 

[blackwolf001]

Well I cannot see what you lack because it is God who looks into your heart and does the healing, but do you have a personal relationship with Jesus where you can just put all your worries upon Him and He will tell you which verse of the Bible to read? I find that when God tells me to read this verse and that, it really helps me when I need Him the most. Do you have that sort of relationship with Jesus?

Oh how I want that relationship. Sometimes when I pray I hear something but I dont know if it is me or God. Trust issue there.. I listen and most times i dont hear anything .. maybe i am listening to hard. For example three nights ago I put a message up on facebook saying what I am like and what I want in a woman, age type, honesty, someone who woukd ignore the age difference becaus ei wantmy own children, etc .. then after a while i felt uncomfortable for some reason .. I asked for guidance and got told to "take it off" So I did, and almost immediately felt better. I dont know if that was God or a demon But what I do know is that if themessages I had received earlier about a certain person coming back into my life then putting that message up on facebook may have put a block in the way of that happening .. I am trying to trust. I prayed for an answer more than once and it was always the same .. "take it off". I have prayed that i get clearer messages that he heals me in spirit, soul, heart, mind and body. I know he has done it at least once that I felt. Also a couple of weeks ago when i finally accepted Jesus inot my heart in a way stronger than i had done before.. I almost immediately had this feeling "She is coming back". It was so strong .. I dont know what to think .. God or the Devil I am having troubles as u can see... I want Jesus as the centre of my life so badly.. and yet .. I cant understand what is happening right now.

One major problem I am having is puting my worries on to Jesus .. i try and take back .. I have even pleaded with him to give him full permission to take from me what needs to go .. even if I resist. I need it so bad to go .. everything.. And I want it gone ..

 

[oi_antz]

Oh how I want that relationship. Sometimes when I pray I hear something but I dont know if it is me or God. Trust issue there.. I listen and most times i dont hear anything .. maybe i am listening to hard. For example three nights ago I put a message up on facebook saying what I am like and what I want in a woman, age type, honesty, someone who woukd ignore the age difference becaus ei wantmy own children, etc .. then after a while i felt uncomfortable for some reason .. I asked for guidance and got told to "take it off" So I did, and almost immediately felt better. I dont know if that was God or a demon But what I do know is that if themessages I had received earlier about a certain person coming back into my life then putting that message up on facebook may have put a block in the way of that happening .. I am trying to trust. I prayed for an answer more than once and it was always the same .. "take it off". I have prayed that i get clearer messages that he heals me in spirit, soul, heart, mind and body. I know he has done it at least once that I felt. Also a couple of weeks ago when i finally accepted Jesus inot my heart in a way stronger than i had done before.. I almost immediately had this feeling "She is coming back". It was so strong .. I dont know what to think .. God or the Devil I am having troubles as u can see... I want Jesus as the centre of my life so badly.. and yet .. I cant understand what is happening right now.

One major problem I am having is puting my worries on to Jesus .. i try and take back .. I have even pleaded with him to give him full permission to take from me what needs to go .. even if I resist. I need it so bad to go .. everything.. And I want it gone ..

Sure, trust is a big factor of living with God, so when you ask Jesus to tell you what verse to read then trust what He says. That is how we exercise our faith. Think about what this verse means:

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.

Another thing to remember is that God controls the dice. That is why sometimes people toss a coin to make decisions. So even opening the Bible randomly and reading can sometimes teach us things, it helps us to think in a way we wouldn't have thought if we hadn't read that part of the Bible right at that moment. People call this "Bible roulette", but there's nothing wrong with randomly reading the Bible as long as you read it within proper context. The Bible is meant to stimulate us to think spiritually and to develop our relationship with The Holy Spirit, it works very well for those of us who have enough faith when we read it.

As for your relationship with Jesus, have you been baptized, have you asked Jesus to come into your life and take the throne?

 

[razeontherock]

Jesus made you worthy! In accepting the fate of a criminal, He accepted us.

 

[blackwolf001]

I have asked Jesus to come into my life and take the throne. His will is my will .. well when I dont fight it .. and i am trying to not fight it. Right now .. at this time.. in the last few hours I feel I have lost God completely I am calm but .. dont feel as if I need to pray or want to pray. I am coming to the conclusion that everything I want is nothing. That even though I love someone why should I? She is gone .. different state .. I may have gotten messages sayng she is coming back .. but it doesnt feel that way .. it doesnt feel as if anything I have heard, felt , or thought I had is real.. unreal is the word i am thinking.. there is nothing If I cant keep a friend I had for two and a half years how am I gonna keep the woman I love when she isnt even close by anymore? I need God, I need answers and i am getting nothing I am sad. I am too far from God to be worthy. I know he died on the cross and shed his blood for our souls .. and for that i am grateful, but at the same time .. i want to be acknowledged. I am alone. I, quite honestley, have had enough of this life. I have had enough of loneliness, rejection, people i love leaving me, people who say they love me leaving, suffering, depression, pain, emotional pain, and life in general. As for baptism .. lol... well when i was one I was baptised High Church of England, then when I was 3 I was baptised into St John the Baptist church (Low CofE I think.. dont know why .. seems a bit strange to be honest), then when I was 9 or 10 into the Mormon church (lol what a joke). I need to baptised again .. just dont know where or what denomination.. wish one didnt have to have a denomination .. would be so much easier. I have been told by spirit to be baptised. Was told about 3 weeks ago. But to be honest, I only want to be baptised if a certain person comes back and then be baptised with her into the faith, I know she hasnt been baptised. I know this sounds selfish. But I want to marry this lady, I have told her I WILL marry her .. three times to her. But if God doesnt bring her back .. and it doesnt look like it .. then why should I even want to believe when I asked for a partner her bought her to me .. that same day Now he took her away I am angry, hurt, and being a bit selfish I know. hehe using my will not God's i spose. I want to trust him, I want him to guide me. Maybe i am too willful to allow that. wish i wasnt. Wish he would just make me Had enough of choice .. I gave myself to him months ago.. While it soundslike my faith and belief rest on this lady coming back.. it doesnt i am just feeling lost and because of how I feel about her she comes to mind first I am sorry to put yu all through this .. But I think I am a Christian dieing in faith right now. Nothing matters at all .. nothing

Update: Hmm bit negative that lot Sorry. I think I needed to get that rant out there. My faith is stronger than I thought .. I have been praying.. and reading the bible. I am just having some trouble.. please pray for me.

 

[oi_antz]

I have asked Jesus to come into my life and take the throne. His will is my will .. well when I dont fight it .. and i am trying to not fight it. Right now .. at this time.. in the last few hours I feel I have lost God completely I am calm but .. dont feel as if I need to pray or want to pray. I am coming to the conclusion that everything I want is nothing. That even though I love someone why should I? She is gone .. different state .. I may have gotten messages sayng she is coming back .. but it doesnt feel that way .. it doesnt feel as if anything I have heard, felt , or thought I had is real.. unreal is the word i am thinking.. there is nothing If I cant keep a friend I had for two and a half years how am I gonna keep the woman I love when she isnt even close by anymore? I need God, I need answers and i am getting nothing I am sad. I am too far from God to be worthy. I know he died on the cross and shed his blood for our souls .. and for that i am grateful, but at the same time .. i want to be acknowledged. I am alone. I, quite honestley, have had enough of this life. I have had enough of loneliness, rejection, people i love leaving me, people who say they love me leaving, suffering, depression, pain, emotional pain, and life in general. As for baptism .. lol... well when i was one I was baptised High Church of England, then when I was 3 I was baptised into St John the Baptist church (Low CofE I think.. dont know why .. seems a bit strange to be honest), then when I was 9 or 10 into the Mormon church (lol what a joke). I need to baptised again .. just dont know where or what denomination.. wish one didnt have to have a denomination .. would be so much easier. I have been told by spirit to be baptised. Was told about 3 weeks ago. But to be honest, I only want to be baptised if a certain person comes back and then be baptised with her into the faith, I know she hasnt been baptised. I know this sounds selfish. But I want to marry this lady, I have told her I WILL marry her .. three times to her. But if God doesnt bring her back .. and it doesnt look like it .. then why should I even want to believe when I asked for a partner her bought her to me .. that same day Now he took her away I am angry, hurt, and being a bit selfish I know. hehe using my will not God's i spose. I want to trust him, I want him to guide me. Maybe i am too willful to allow that. wish i wasnt. Wish he would just make me Had enough of choice .. I gave myself to him months ago.. While it soundslike my faith and belief rest on this lady coming back.. it doesnt i am just feeling lost and because of how I feel about her she comes to mind first I am sorry to put yu all through this .. But I think I am a Christian dieing in fatih right now. Nothing matters at all .. nothing ;(

It sounds to me that you haven't yet been "reborn", that is, born of the spirit. The reason I say this is because you seem to be concentrating on physical matters. Do you realize that emotions, love, marriage etc are all carnal needs? Carnality is often at odds with God's will, because instead of doing what God wants us to do, we do what we want to do. Let me quote something to you that might help you see it better:

John 4:31-38
New International Version (NIV)
31 Meanwhile his disciples urged him, “Rabbi, eat something.”

32 But he said to them, “I have food to eat that you know nothing about.”

33 Then his disciples said to each other, “Could someone have brought him food?”

34 “My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. 35 Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. 36 Even now the one who reaps draws a wage and harvests a crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. 37 Thus the saying ‘One sows and another reaps’ is true. 38 I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor.”

I really feel that you need to be baptized of your own will, that means that you want to give your life to Jesus. Realize what this means: no longer will you be able to pursue selfish things, but you will always be working for Jesus. Notice what is said in verse John 4:38 above: we are reaping what others have sowed. That's our job, just like I'm doing with you, I am explaining the Bible to you, so too you must lay down your life of "me me me" and rise up and start reaping the souls around you. That is what the baptism will do for you, you will rise up out of the water and be filled with the Holy Spirit and you will be an unstoppable warrior for the Lord. No-one else can actually make that decision for you, so no matter how heartfelt the blessing was when you were an infant, it has not given you the new life in Christ which is only found when you are born again. It seems that you have a decision to make, do you want to be born again, or do you want to continue your pursuit of carnality? And waiting for your partner (to be?) to come along and be baptized with you is never going to help your pursuit of the holy relationship you crave to have with Jesus. Why do I say this? The following verse says it best:

Jesus’ Mother and Brothers

46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”
48 He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”

I do hope I am helping you here, and it's not just advice that is falling on deaf ears. I think you need to be aware that whenever you pursue truth from the Bible, it is like light being shone on your heart. You have two options, you can either come to the light or cower away from it.

The more you reject the light, the harder it becomes to accept the light.

I put that sentence on a line of its own so you will read it properly. Please do tread softly, as you already know that the demons are waiting for you to make one wrong decision, when all you need to do is be honest with your conscience. Is there something in my life that is not holy?

 

[blackwolf001]

Hmmm interesting stuff that. I suppose for some unknown reason I am cowering from the light.. Why? I dont know. Ya i understand what u are saying about waiting for the woman I love. should be baptised as soon as possible .. be easier on everyone that way Dont mistake me .. I want to know God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit better than I do.. I want them very much in my life. I am fighting, and have been fighting demons since i was at least 5 years old. Of course, up till now, i didnt necessarily realise they were demons. My spiritual past has been a mixture of evil and good, but not necessarily Godliness. I have been involved in many forms of spiritualism that I can now see werent of God, but of Satan. Despite the laws they followed Hmm how much to say is the problem I am of the light but also of darkness. My life has mainly been darkness, never really been happy, no joy, no real laughter To be honest I want that to change but I dont know if it will. As is said in 'star wars' movies .. lol.. the dark side is seductive .. and i have seen the darkest of the darkside My major problem is definately trust.. I have been hurt so much on my life, and I know, deep down, that God would never do that .. but still .. trust is hard. I dont where to turn. I do NOT want to be baptised into any particular form of Christianity .. if u can understand what I am saying. I am a Christian .. not a RC or CofE, or Methodist, or the others .. u understand.. I want to be a member of the Church of Christ himself not one of bricks and morter or one that has part of the divisions of Christianity as we know it And yet, I could become a fundamentalist so easily, or an RC, or a member of the CofE (High or Low). It is hard and confusing for me at this point. I am not necessarily against all those churchs but they all have something to say that is negative against other parts of Christs Church .. we are a divided religion And I do NOT want to be part of the division... u understand? So I suppose i ask .. what am I supposed to do? How do I go from here? Where do I go from here? My decision and choice is to be one with God, as far as that is possible. I just dont know how to do it. One thing that I have found over the last fewmonhs is that the ache has been lessened in my heart, there is a warmth that hasnt been there, there is a light i suppose u could say. My agonies I think come from a few main areas. One that I want human company more than I have ever wanted it but I am afraid to trust, two that I want also the all encompassing love of God and Christ that I know is there.. but dont seem to be able to find, and three I want to hear from God, for him to speak to me so I know where to go .. feelings, and sensations of a push or a word or two arent enough for me. I misinterpret what is being said .. unless I am in a clear mind.. and being a major depressive (diagnosed with Major Depression with Suicidal tendancies, possibly some other problems .. may have BPD, or DID... need a psyche for that .. but cant get toone ) that is difficult at the best of time. What a struggle ahh enough for now else i will write a book

 

[heymikey80]

I think God's very familiar with people being subversive. Some theologians term Jesus' theology and viewpoint "subversive". Jesus led from the "outside" of the religious family of God.

So God's very familiar with outsiders. His Son is one.

YouTube - ‪Scandalon‬‏

 

[GodsServant05]

None of us are worthy which is why God's grace is so amazing. God doesn't ask us to be worthy because it's impossible and this is why Jesus had to die for us. God has forgiven you because you sincerely repented. Do not doubt this. Since God has forgiven you, why can't you forgive yourself? Satan lies and says that God couldn't possibly forgive you, but those are his lies to keep you in bondage. God has set you free and you need to forgive yourself because God already has. Even while Jesus was on the cross he asked His father to forgive them! This is how deep His love goes. He was in extreme pain and He still loved them. He loves you too.

 

[oi_antz]

Hmmm interesting stuff that. I suppose for some unknown reason I am cowering from the light.. Why? I dont know. Ya i understand what u are saying about waiting for the woman I love. should be baptised as soon as possible .. be easier on everyone that way Dont mistake me .. I want to know God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit better than I do.. I want them very much in my life. I am fighting, and have been fighting demons since i was at least 5 years old. Of course, up till now, i didnt necessarily realise they were demons. My spiritual past has been a mixture of evil and good, but not necessarily Godliness. I have been involved in many forms of spiritualism that I can now see werent of God, but of Satan. Despite the laws they followed Hmm how much to say is the problem I am of the light but also of darkness. My life has mainly been darkness, never really been happy, no joy, no real laughter To be honest I want that to change but I dont know if it will. As is said in 'star wars' movies .. lol.. the dark side is seductive .. and i have seen the darkest of the darkside My major problem is definately trust.. I have been hurt so much on my life, and I know, deep down, that God would never do that .. but still .. trust is hard. I dont where to turn. I do NOT want to be baptised into any particular form of Christianity .. if u can understand what I am saying. I am a Christian .. not a RC or CofE, or Methodist, or the others .. u understand.. I want to be a member of the Church of Christ himself not one of bricks and morter or one that has part of the divisions of Christianity as we know it And yet, I could become a fundamentalist so easily, or an RC, or a member of the CofE (High or Low). It is hard and confusing for me at this point. I am not necessarily against all those churchs but they all have something to say that is negative against other parts of Christs Church .. we are a divided religion And I do NOT want to be part of the division... u understand? So I suppose i ask .. what am I supposed to do? How do I go from here? Where do I go from here? My decision and choice is to be one with God, as far as that is possible. I just dont know how to do it. One thing that I have found over the last fewmonhs is that the ache has been lessened in my heart, there is a warmth that hasnt been there, there is a light i suppose u could say. My agonies I think come from a few main areas. One that I want human company more than I have ever wanted it but I am afraid to trust, two that I want also the all encompassing love of God and Christ that I know is there.. but dont seem to be able to find, and three I want to hear from God, for him to speak to me so I know where to go .. feelings, and sensations of a push or a word or two arent enough for me. I misinterpret what is being said .. unless I am in a clear mind.. and being a major depressive (diagnosed with Major Depression with Suicidal tendancies, possibly some other problems .. may have BPD, or DID... need a psyche for that .. but cant get toone ) that is difficult at the best of time. What a struggle ahh enough for now else i will write a book

blackwoolf, you have obviously learned some lies about Jesus from your experience with His enemy, nonetheless by listening to what Jesus says you can build your house upon the rock.

Let me tell you something that I've learned about Christianity and denominations. That doesn't matter which denomination you look to, there are some people there who obey Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit dwells in them, and there are some people who attend the church but do not live a repentant life so the Holy Spirit does not dwell within them. A truly reborn Christian can walk into any church, and if the church belongs to the Holy Spirit then they can feel welcome to fellowship there. So the denominations can be described as birds of a feather flock together. What you need to do if you want Jesus in your life is to vow to reject everything that you love that you know to be sinful, put your trust in Jesus, find someone who you know is telling you the truth when you look them in the eye and ask "Can you represent Jesus for me", and when you find the person you can trust then have that person baptize you according to the scriptures. But do keep in mind that you cannot go back to your evil ways, because when you do that after being born again you can never be forgiven. Hebrews 6:4-6. So we are definitely talking about a lifetime devotion to Jesus Christ, and if you aren't prepared to offer Him that level of devotion then He's not going to entertain you. He may still watch over you, but you will not receive the gift of spiritual rebirth unless you give up that sin that you love so dearly. We've all had to do it and we've all struggled through it, but with the power of God you can become holy and fit for a place in the kingdom of God. So make a careful decision now because you have come to the light and your sin is exposed, you need to choose whether this world with all it's sinful candy is worth more than telling the truth about who Jesus is and why people should obey Him. Remember what I said, when the light shines on you you will either come to it or flee from it, so I suggest you have a good long prayer with Jesus and find out what is stopping you from obeying Him. Once you put your trust in Him, He takes care of the sin, you don't need to worry about quitting cigarettes or mj or sex, because when you hand your life to Jesus, He takes care of all that, and the demons have no power over you as long as you are doing what Jesus is telling you to do. That's what daily repentance means. We live one day at a time, learning from Jesus the way we are meant to live from one day to the next. Of course, the alternative is to trust yourself or Satan, but I wouldn't recommend that, let's not get into why. I hope you will pray and make a wise decision now.

Edit: oh, and also because you are concerned about life partners, don't worry about that because Jesus already knows the wife He wants you to have and you will love her. So go ask Jesus for help with your life, you know He's shining His light on you right now, don't let the chance go to waste just because you have insufficient faith! Faith grows, we can never get too much of it!

 

[blackwolf001]

Thank you so much. I may have found someone who can help me with some of what u said. I have been seriously looking into my past. I have found things I will let go of .. most I have. Yes it is a struggle. Today has been much better. Actually i need to let go of everything. And, yes, Jesus has found me a partner. She will come when I am ready and not before .. I know that now .. No I do not know who she is .. I know who I would like it to be .. but that is up to God not me. Thank you for your help .. it is much appreciated, i am very Grateful. What u said about the divisions does make sense .. I dont know why i didnt see that before. I may be walking in the light more now .. thanks again.

 

[blackwolf001]

Update: Wow has life changed and for the better. Last week on Tuesday night i did finally surrender everything to God and Jesus. Including the big stumbling block i had to do with a life partner. Well .. things couldnt have changed quicker.. Two days later a friend whom I had thought had been brought to me as a life partner.. started to consider a relationship with me .. now .. Today.. she has committed fully.. well almost fully She is still having some reservations but she is allowing love for God and me to fill her so much that she is practically floating. Her parents are sure to have noticed the change from the weekend as she was apparently in her words "kinda grumpy with everyone" Now she is floating .. so happy .. i thought I had seen her happy before .. oh my I am so happy too. I love her so much and she is finding it quite distracting to feel this way. With God's help I wont let her down. We will be married if I can get my act together. She has constantly said that she will only go out with the person she will marry which is why she took so long in making the decision. As for my worthiness and faith problems .. well all resolved absolutely no doubt and how freeing that is I DO trust God now with everything and I know that he will help us in this relationship he will help me change for the better and in the way she needs me to change .. I have accepted this in my heart. I have been blessed by the Holy Spirit.. Baptised in the Holy Spirit in a way which I thought maybe it was open to only those who had been physically baptised. Now I need that. To make the full covenant with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I have been called again. Called to ministry, as I was 20+ years ago. When and where it is supposed to be I dont know .. havent been told that yet. I do know that it wont be until my gf gets the call because I have been shown and told that it will be a double? ministry, done in partnership with my wife, both ordained. This I have been shown. But not when and where. More growing to be done by both of us first. This I do know. The Holy Spirit has moved within me and with her, though not as strongly yet, and has spoken. God's Will is my will, I am walking His path now, fully from what I can see. Wish me luck and I pray for you all. Thank you all .. I love you all for everything you have done for me, for what you have said and for the prayers .. thank you all so much. God Bless U all in everything you endeavour.

 

[oi_antz]

Update: Wow has life changed and for the better. Last week on Tuesday night i did finally surrender everything to God and Jesus. Including the big stumbling block i had to do with a life partner. Well .. things couldnt have changed quicker.. Two days later a friend whom I had thought had been brought to me as a life partner.. started to consider a relationship with me .. now .. Today.. she has committed fully.. well almost fully She is still having some reservations but she is allowing love for God and me to fill her so much that she is practically floating. Her parents are sure to have noticed the change from the weekend as she was apparently in her words "kinda grumpy with everyone" Now she is floating .. so happy .. i thought I had seen her happy before .. oh my I am so happy too. I love her so much and she is finding it quite distracting to feel this way. With God's help I wont let her down. We will be married if I can get my act together. She has constantly said that she will only go out with the person she will marry which is why she took so long in making the decision. As for my worthiness and faith problems .. well all resolved absolutely no doubt and how freeing that is I DO trust God now with everything and I know that he will help us in this relationship he will help me change for the better and in the way she needs me to change .. I have accepted this in my heart. I have been blessed by the Holy Spirit.. Baptised in the Holy Spirit in a way which I thought maybe it was open to only those who had been physically baptised. Now I need that. To make the full covenant with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I have been called again. Called to ministry, as I was 20+ years ago. When and where it is supposed to be I dont know .. havent been told that yet. I do know that it wont be until my gf gets the call because I have been shown and told that it will be a double? ministry, done in partnership with my wife, both ordained. This I have been shown. But not when and where. More growing to be done by both of us first. This I do know. The Holy Spirit has moved within me and with her, though not as strongly yet, and has spoken. God's Will is my will, I am walking His path now, fully from what I can see. Wish me luck and I pray for you all. Thank you all .. I love you all for everything you have done for me, for what you have said and for the prayers .. thank you all so much. God Bless U all in everything you endeavour.

Hi blackwolf, it is so beautiful to witness God working in your life, I truly am happy for you. Good on you for trusting everything to Jesus, trust is all we can really do because we can't guess the future, but just concentrate on demonstrating love to your fullest potential and in doing so you will naturally become less and less sinful and more and more holy. Do you understand why Jesus said "beware the yeast of the Pharisee's"? Because that is legalism. If you live your life trying to be justified by the law you will become puffed up with pride. Instead remain humble and loving and goodness and obedience to the law will come from developing a purely holy nature from the inside out. I am so happy for you to have rekindled the relationship with Jesus, I'm sure as you continue to learn from Him you will never leave Him for anything, I believe He has you firmly in His grip, this is how it appears to me. I am very happy to hear of this and I truly hope your relationship with that girl grows and blossoms into the marriage of love to the end You have certainly been blessed

 

[blackwolf001]

Hi blackwolf, it is so beautiful to witness God working in your life, I truly am happy for you. Good on you for trusting everything to Jesus, trust is all we can really do because we can't guess the future, but just concentrate on demonstrating love to your fullest potential and in doing so you will naturally become less and less sinful and more and more holy. Do you understand why Jesus said "beware the yeast of the Pharisee's"? Because that is legalism. If you live your life trying to be justified by the law you will become puffed up with pride. Instead remain humble and loving and goodness and obedience to the law will come from developing a purely holy nature from the inside out. I am so happy for you to have rekindled the relationship with Jesus, I'm sure as you continue to learn from Him you will never leave Him for anything, I believe He has you firmly in His grip, this is how it appears to me. I am very happy to hear of this and I truly hope your relationship with that girl grows and blossoms into the marriage of love to the end You have certainly been blessed

Thank you... unfortunately for me things have gone in reverse with this lady. Yesterday she agreed to talk to her parents about us, Now she has gone backward in the relationship... Thinking again.. doesnt want to see me for at least 24 hours then she says she will probably contact me. Seems like it is over to me. I dont understand what it is with her, she is keen for the relationship but she is letting other people and their ideas get in her way. I know she is young, but she is intelligent, a strong Christian and she has seen my journey, has helped it in many ways. Now i seem to have lost her somehow. Why wont people just accept that two people are in love and damn well leave them to it. If it wasnt in God's will she wouldnt even be considering let alone saying "I love you". two weeks ago she wasnt even interested, last Thursday is when she changed her mind or God did. All I can think is that God changed her mind because i know I didnt. Now I just have to wait. Yesterday she said that even if her parents were against the idea that she would still go ahead with the relationship.. that seems to have changed to. Is my faith still strong? Its wavering, but I am still praying for guidance for me as to what I should do.. not for her.. well praying for her too, mainly for God to give her a sign she can see. She got one.. she said to me yesterday that when she is near me and allows herself to feel at peace and to feel how she feels that she seems to be closer to God because it "feels" right. I dont know what to do. When we are together we talk about things as if we are already in a relationship .. lol .. we talked about what we could have at the reception yesterday. I mean really what does she have to think about. We are talking about moving into a house or even me moving in to her parents house with her.. not going to happen that one. Just to make things clear, separate rooms .. separate beds. Have to wait again So tired of waiting

 

[oi_antz]

Thank you... unfortunately for me things have gone in reverse with this lady. Yesterday she agreed to talk to her parents about us, Now she has gone backward in the relationship... Thinking again.. doesnt want to see me for at least 24 hours then she says she will probably contact me. Seems like it is over to me. I dont understand what it is with her, she is keen for the relationship but she is letting other people and their ideas get in her way. I know she is young, but she is intelligent, a strong Christian and she has seen my journey, has helped it in many ways. Now i seem to have lost her somehow. Why wont people just accept that two people are in love and damn well leave them to it. If it wasnt in God's will she wouldnt even be considering let alone saying "I love you". two weeks ago she wasnt even interested, last Thursday is when she changed her mind or God did. All I can think is that God changed her mind because i know I didnt. Now I just have to wait. Yesterday she said that even if her parents were against the idea that she would still go ahead with the relationship.. that seems to have changed to. Is my faith still strong? Its wavering, but I am still praying for guidance for me as to what I should do.. not for her.. well praying for her too, mainly for God to give her a sign she can see. She got one.. she said to me yesterday that when she is near me and allows herself to feel at peace and to feel how she feels that she seems to be closer to God because it "feels" right. I dont know what to do. When we are together we talk about things as if we are already in a relationship .. lol .. we talked about what we could have at the reception yesterday. I mean really what does she have to think about. We are talking about moving into a house or even me moving in to her parents house with her.. not going to happen that one. Just to make things clear, separate rooms .. separate beds. Have to wait again So tired of waiting

Awww, if the love is real then it will conquer everything that stands against it.

I would say to you what I have been thinking all along: you need to put God first in your life. If you think you need baptism, be baptized. If you think Jesus has told her not to marry you, then respect that. What you are pursuing with this lady is some sort of gratification from her presence, that means you love the way her being makes your brain behave. Take yours and her bodies out of the picture and you are both just disciples of Jesus, spirit with no sex, equal in status and being, with nothing but brotherly love for one another, and no longer married to each other but married to Jesus. This is why you must put Jesus first, and if she is a mature Christian then she would be mindful of that ultimate reality. Have a meditation on this verse, it may help put your head in a space that would give her more confidence:

Romans 8:13
13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.

I want to pray with you, and I hope you can agree with what I say:

Dear Heavenly Father, we pray to you about this lady that blackwolf loves so much, how his heart is being torn and tossed around by uncertainty and desire. Lord, we know that marriage is a serious commitment not to be taken lightly, we thank you for the wisdom you have bestowed upon him and her, and we pray for your wisdom to continue to be upon them even as they go forth from here. Father we pray with a desire for true love to conquer and overcome that which opposes it, we know that you have the power to action such a request, and we pray that you will make your will clear to both of these people as they pursue their relationship with each other. Help them to put you first in their life, and in doing so, to serve each other. We pray for patience, as blackwolf has a lot of interest in this lady, we ask that you would minister to him, help him to mature in your spirit. He is 20 years rusty on Christianity, we pray for a rapid enlightenment process to remind him of the truth you have revealed to us. We pray for the people who are engaged in advising blackwolf and his friend, that you will bestow wisdom upon them, and we pray for your divine guidance upon both these people as they come to an agreement of how to go forth. Above all Lord, we pray that the result of this process will bring glory to your name. As we are commanded not to worry about anything of this world, but to concentrate on building your kingdom and all we need will be provided. We pray that the unity between these two people will be such that they will grow toward you together, helping each other to grow and supporting each other through thick and thin. Lord we pray for unity in their relationship and not division. Father we are aware of how much turmoil is happening in blackwolf's mind as he faces the ultimate reality of whether he is graced with this lady's presence for every day of his life, and we ask that you will stir up your spirit within his heart that he will come to love the ability to depend on you for all things he needs. We pray all these requests sincerely in the name of your son Jesus, who suffered and went to great lengths so we could have the right to approach you in confidence knowing that our requests are heard. Father we thank you for that privilege, Lord there is nothing more important we could ask for than what you have freely given, we ask you to make that ever more real to blackwolf. Thank you Lord and Father, amen.

blackwolf, don't be despaired, Jesus knows how to put your life together, He knows all the pieces of the puzzle and you just need to trust Him and concentrate on growing your understanding of His wisdom and nature so that when people look at you they see the glory of Jesus radiating from you, and you will see Jesus in the face of everyone around you. Then you will be able to marry anyone He brings to you Life will be good soon enough and you will be able to post smiley faces all day Just put Jesus first and He will do the rest.

 

[LOCO]

I spent the past several years of my life living in sin and trying to prove that God doesn't exist. I grew up in a spiritual home and was saved as a child. For some reason or another the world's temptations led me astray. I don't want to go into details but I can't help but not to feel forgiven. I recently asked Jesus to come back into my heart even though I am sure he never left. In all my years of sin everything felt empty, pointless, and followed with guilt. I want to think that was the Holy Spirit convicting me and trying to set me back on course. I have had enough of satan's torture in my mind and want a relationship with God. The sins I have committed of the flesh are not what I am having a problem with now. It is my years doubting God's existence and the hypothetical scenarios I have ran through in my head. I have had, in the past, very troubling thoughts that I could not forgive-such as forsaking God or thinking terrible things like "If you don't believe in God would you cut a deal with the devil?" Even then those thoughts were followed by guilt but I still thought things like I would if it meant being rich. I guess what I need to say is I thought I would. How could God take me after something like that? It's confusing to me, because those thought processes carried ut over a wide spectrum of hypotheticals that I eventually came to think could happen or were going to happen. I always feel theguilt though and it got to the point recently that I had an anxiety attack because I know it wasn't me. I got back into church and have been trying to understand God's will for me. My first service back I felt the Spirit and felt like I needed to follow. I can't explain my feelings but I repent and repent and don't see how I could ever be accepted into the Kingdom of Heaven. I feel comforted in repenting but at the same time I ask for forgiveness I feel like I can't forgive myself and it hinders my ability to start or have a stronger relationship with God. Any advice, scriptures, or experiences that can be shared would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for any typos and poor grammar I am writing from a mobile device. Thank You and keep this stranger in your prayers.

Hello Cleansed

Welcome back to the Cross. Your story is very touching.

You confessed your sins in a state of contrition (true repentance) in your heart, therefore God has forgiven you. I think you are having trouble forgiving yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. Many have done much worse things and repented and God has forgiven them.

A part of humility is understanding our weaknesses.

Think about Peter who denied knowing Jesus and Thomas who doubted his Ressurrection.

They knew Christ personally, they saw his miracles and yet their human doubts and weaknesses were always visible.

Jesus never doubted or abandoned them.

What about us here on earth now. We are blessed because we have not seen yet we believe.

“Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

We are all carrying our own crosses, some are just heavier than others. The Lord is there to heal us, and if we are too ashamed we harden our hearts to the healing. Offer up your weakness and ask the Lord to strengthen you.

Also, Fr Gerry my priest says Psalm51 is great to help us ACCEPT our forgiveness. Read it several times.


I'll keep you in my prayers

Blessings

 

[blackwolf001]

Awww, if the love is real then it will conquer everything that stands against it.

I would say to you what I have been thinking all along: you need to put God first in your life. If you think you need baptism, be baptized. If you think Jesus has told her not to marry you, then respect that. What you are pursuing with this lady is some sort of gratification from her presence, that means you love the way her being makes your brain behave. Take yours and her bodies out of the picture and you are both just disciples of Jesus, spirit with no sex, equal in status and being, with nothing but brotherly love for one another, and no longer married to each other but married to Jesus. This is why you must put Jesus first, and if she is a mature Christian then she would be mindful of that ultimate reality. Have a meditation on this verse, it may help put your head in a space that would give her more confidence:

Romans 8:13
13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.

I want to pray with you, and I hope you can agree with what I say:

Dear Heavenly Father, we pray to you about this lady that blackwolf loves so much, how his heart is being torn and tossed around by uncertainty and desire. Lord, we know that marriage is a serious commitment not to be taken lightly, we thank you for the wisdom you have bestowed upon him and her, and we pray for your wisdom to continue to be upon them even as they go forth from here. Father we pray with a desire for true love to conquer and overcome that which opposes it, we know that you have the power to action such a request, and we pray that you will make your will clear to both of these people as they pursue their relationship with each other. Help them to put you first in their life, and in doing so, to serve each other. We pray for patience, as blackwolf has a lot of interest in this lady, we ask that you would minister to him, help him to mature in your spirit. He is 20 years rusty on Christianity, we pray for a rapid enlightenment process to remind him of the truth you have revealed to us. We pray for the people who are engaged in advising blackwolf and his friend, that you will bestow wisdom upon them, and we pray for your divine guidance upon both these people as they come to an agreement of how to go forth. Above all Lord, we pray that the result of this process will bring glory to your name. As we are commanded not to worry about anything of this world, but to concentrate on building your kingdom and all we need will be provided. We pray that the unity between these two people will be such that they will grow toward you together, helping each other to grow and supporting each other through thick and thin. Lord we pray for unity in their relationship and not division. Father we are aware of how much turmoil is happening in blackwolf's mind as he faces the ultimate reality of whether he is graced with this lady's presence for every day of his life, and we ask that you will stir up your spirit within his heart that he will come to love the ability to depend on you for all things he needs. We pray all these requests sincerely in the name of your son Jesus, who suffered and went to great lengths so we could have the right to approach you in confidence knowing that our requests are heard. Father we thank you for that privilege, Lord there is nothing more important we could ask for than what you have freely given, we ask you to make that ever more real to blackwolf. Thank you Lord and Father, amen.

blackwolf, don't be despaired, Jesus knows how to put your life together, He knows all the pieces of the puzzle and you just need to trust Him and concentrate on growing your understanding of His wisdom and nature so that when people look at you they see the glory of Jesus radiating from you, and you will see Jesus in the face of everyone around you. Then you will be able to marry anyone He brings to you Life will be good soon enough and you will be able to post smiley faces all day Just put Jesus first and He will do the rest.

thank you. Yes one of the things we have talked about and stressed is to put Jesus first in our life and marriage. We are not clear how to do that. I dont think Jesus has told her to not marry me, what i think is happening is that she is being persuaded by strong arguments against it from her parents. I can see their point of view. I dont agree with them. And they and I used to be real good friends but this is putting a wedge in that. Shame that. She is not happy; I saw her today .. we didnt talk, i am respecting her wishes in every way .. in fact I always have, I could see she was hurting and I wanted to talk to her, but I knew she didnt want to because she asked me not to. So I didnt I know she needs time to to think. Yes she is beautiful, but I never fell in love for her because of how she looked, but rather who she is, her spirit, her belief in God, her attitude to life, and her intelligence, and that is the same for her. I am not good looking and why someone as lovely as she would want me is a mystery to me .. but I have come to accept myself in many ways since this journey to God started. Yes I will get baptised just dont know when. I am going to go to the Alpha classes for bible study and to get to know Jesus better and to make contacts within the church .. any church basically.

hmm another thing u said was about being equal in Jesus as brother and sister, for the first 18 months of our friendship that is just what we were like.. brother and sister, I had no romantic interest at all. None. She did. Now she is backing off. Another thing that seems to be coming up in this aspect is that she feels because of my strength of faith that she is not my equal and is wondering if she deserves me. If anything I am not her equal in this.. she is far ahead of me in most aspects of faith and belief, though she is having doubts. I have been able to provide answers for her where no one else has been able to, and most have given up on her, including her parents. I know that I can help her in her relationship with God, and that she can help me as well. Together we grow remarkably. One thing that is certain in this relationship is our growth in Jesus, no doubt at that at all. We are so good for each other and I know from the things she has said that she agrees with that. Marriage is my aim with her, and I havent taken it lightly, it will be hard, but we both know we can work it through. One thing we can do is talk, something that with any other female has never been easy.

I know how she feels. She knows how I feel. She seems to be, at the moment, willing to break her own heart to satisfy her parents. I am not sure yet because she hasnt spoken yet. But she said she would after she thinks. I want to marry her and we talk about it a lot.. not just from me but from her, she brings it up. The one thing I have always stressed is that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit needs to be first in our relationship no matter where it goes (hopefully marriage). BTW the prayer is beautiful Thank you so much for it The good thing is that I do know where I am at in this relationship on my side anyway, mostly with God, and with my life right now. I need help in my relationship with God, i know this, and I am seeking it. Thanks again.