C
Cleansed44
Guest
I spent the past several years of my life living in sin and trying to prove that God doesn't exist. I grew up in a spiritual home and was saved as a child. For some reason or another the world's temptations led me astray. I don't want to go into details but I can't help but not to feel forgiven. I recently asked Jesus to come back into my heart even though I am sure he never left. In all my years of sin everything felt empty, pointless, and followed with guilt. I want to think that was the Holy Spirit convicting me and trying to set me back on course. I have had enough of satan's torture in my mind and want a relationship with God. The sins I have committed of the flesh are not what I am having a problem with now. It is my years doubting God's existence and the hypothetical scenarios I have ran through in my head. I have had, in the past, very troubling thoughts that I could not forgive-such as forsaking God or thinking terrible things like "If you don't believe in God would you cut a deal with the devil?" Even then those thoughts were followed by guilt but I still thought things like I would if it meant being rich. I guess what I need to say is I thought I would. How could God take me after something like that? It's confusing to me, because those thought processes carried ut over a wide spectrum of hypotheticals that I eventually came to think could happen or were going to happen. I always feel theguilt though and it got to the point recently that I had an anxiety attack because I know it wasn't me. I got back into church and have been trying to understand God's will for me. My first service back I felt the Spirit and felt like I needed to follow. I can't explain my feelings but I repent and repent and don't see how I could ever be accepted into the Kingdom of Heaven. I feel comforted in repenting but at the same time I ask for forgiveness I feel like I can't forgive myself and it hinders my ability to start or have a stronger relationship with God. Any advice, scriptures, or experiences that can be shared would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for any typos and poor grammar I am writing from a mobile device. Thank You and keep this stranger in your prayers.