I am not worthy

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Cleansed44

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I spent the past several years of my life living in sin and trying to prove that God doesn't exist. I grew up in a spiritual home and was saved as a child. For some reason or another the world's temptations led me astray. I don't want to go into details but I can't help but not to feel forgiven. I recently asked Jesus to come back into my heart even though I am sure he never left. In all my years of sin everything felt empty, pointless, and followed with guilt. I want to think that was the Holy Spirit convicting me and trying to set me back on course. I have had enough of satan's torture in my mind and want a relationship with God. The sins I have committed of the flesh are not what I am having a problem with now. It is my years doubting God's existence and the hypothetical scenarios I have ran through in my head. I have had, in the past, very troubling thoughts that I could not forgive-such as forsaking God or thinking terrible things like "If you don't believe in God would you cut a deal with the devil?" Even then those thoughts were followed by guilt but I still thought things like I would if it meant being rich. I guess what I need to say is I thought I would. How could God take me after something like that? It's confusing to me, because those thought processes carried ut over a wide spectrum of hypotheticals that I eventually came to think could happen or were going to happen. I always feel theguilt though and it got to the point recently that I had an anxiety attack because I know it wasn't me. I got back into church and have been trying to understand God's will for me. My first service back I felt the Spirit and felt like I needed to follow. I can't explain my feelings but I repent and repent and don't see how I could ever be accepted into the Kingdom of Heaven. I feel comforted in repenting but at the same time I ask for forgiveness I feel like I can't forgive myself and it hinders my ability to start or have a stronger relationship with God. Any advice, scriptures, or experiences that can be shared would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for any typos and poor grammar I am writing from a mobile device. Thank You and keep this stranger in your prayers.
 

heymikey80

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You are very much on the right track -- even when it doesn't feel like it. It didn't feel like it to me, either. But then I read 1 John. Some of it was upsetting -- I have to advise you to read the English Standard Version, they translated it in a way that takes account of some subtleties of Greek. But here're some of the verses that skewered it for me.

1 John 1:8-10 -- "8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us."

1 John 3:18-20 -- "18Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. 19By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; 20for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything."
 
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Cleansed44

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Those are great to read. It is just hard for me to phathom forgiveness. My understanding of the scripture is very weak, and my understanding of God weaker. I can't comprehend forgiveness because I can't forgive myself. I want nothing more than to be with a clear concious and know I am following God's will whole heartedly, but my negative thought process discredits everything and dredges up tortuous feelings, memories, and thoughts of despair and wretchedness that I do not sincerely want.
 
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heymikey80

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I often go back to the very start of 1 John as well when thoughts and doubts confront me. I've read this little section in Greek countless times, and there's something about those words in Greek that just latch into your brain.

Note all the physical words: seen, heard, touched. This is a guy who knew it firsthand, talking to you.

1 That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we looked upon and have touched with our hands, concerning the word of life— 2 the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us— 3 that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ.
 
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SharonL

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Cleansed44 - Have no fear - Jesus means what he says in the Bible - you have repented - now when you go back and repent again - God says 'what sins' - you have been washed white as snow, covered by the blood of Jesus and your sins are in the lake of forgetfulness. You have been forgiven.

Now when you say you can't forgive yourself - you are actually placing yourself above God - if God can forgive - you have to.

Now just look in the mirror and see yourself as God sees you - a child of God, a shining light in a darkened world.

The Bible tells us we can go BOLDLY to the Throne - so just fall in the arms of Jesus and let him heal you. We all sin, God does not see our sins as a little here and a lot theer - sin is sin - once repented, they are gone - don't give it another thought. God is smiling down on you - he knows what is in your heart - just go forward now hand in hand with Jesus - just as you cannot get rid of your shadow - Jesus is closer than that - talk to Him like a friend - the Bible tells us that He is our friend - He's waiting for you and you are holding back because you still see your sins - Jesus does not see those sins. Don't let the enemy put those thoughts in you any more - you now have the authority to put that coward behind you and never let him bother you again - he is a beaten foe. Go in Joy and let your light shine.
 
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jehoiakim

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When I was younger I often questioned my salvation, I confessed my sins and committed my life to Christ and I wanted to change to do be the kind of person that God wanted me to be, but I just never felt like I was worthy and the change seem so tiny I felt like something was wrong... I kept saying the confession over and over again, I kept recommitting my life.

Someone told me that it's quite a common spiritual battle for Christians, but when we recommit ourselves and question our salvation what we are in actuality saying is the blood of Jesus is good enough for some sins, but mine are just too bad... and really that's quite ridiculous when you think about it. This person also explained to me and it has been confirmed by others that these feelings are not of God, they are spiritual attacks by demonic forces to get us to give up.

Once I realized that was the case I said the deepest most sincere confession I could thing of, committed myself one more time and then I remembered the date... so everytime I questioned my salvation I could look back and have a landmark to remind me I was saved and that I was just being attacked... eventually I started to grow and change into the person I wanted to be in Christ, but it took a long while... heck it's 15 years later and I am still on that road, but I am much further down the road then I was in the beginning...

I imagine your situation is similar, my question to you, in your years of trying to prove God didn't exist and whatnot, where you messing with the occult? I have heard that that almost always makes spiritual attacks far more aggressive.

The fact that you are still drawn to God is in fact prove that God still loves you and forgives you, take comfort in that, none of us can have a legitimate reason as to why we were saved. The further we are away from God when he saves us the more glory he receives, and the more fulfilling it is for him and for you, that is the best reason I can give you.

Bless you brother
 
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singpeace

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The Holy Spirit convicts us (makes us feel guilty) of unrepentant sin. So I shouldn’t be surprised if I have guilty thoughts and feelings when I fall short. That kind of guilt is from God and helps us continue to follow and obey him.

Once we have repented, guilt should no longer be our status. But rather than be overjoyed in Christ, we may feel SHAME. Shame condemns and punishes, and it is not from God.

Satan invests a lot of energy trying to get you to live apart from who you really are. He wants you to remember your failures and feel shame. He wants you to live in discouragement and defeat. He keeps you doubting that God could really love and forgive you. He says, “You’re a loser. You flunked out big time. God’s not very fired up about you.” Everything Satan says to you is bent on your defeat and your ineffectiveness as a representative of Christ. He hates you because he hates Jesus Christ.

It pleases God for you have peace and joy - never shame and condemnation. You will be the best you God has intended when you replace the shame of the past with God's Word, which says you were valuable and loved by God even before time began.



2 Timothy 1:8-9
“…God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time…”

1 John 4:10
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”

Romans 8:1
Therefore, there is now no condemnation (shame) for those who are in Christ Jesus.

2 Corinthians 10:5
Cast down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.;

Romans 12:2
... be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

John 15:16
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you..."

Psalm 103:11-12
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Hebrews 8:12
"For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more."

Isaiah 43:18
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I [God] am doing a new thing!"

 
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paul1149

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Cleansed,

At one point early in my walk with the Lord, when my church imploded, I walked away and wanted nothing to do with Him. It took me a long time to get back, but it doesn't have to be that way. You are repenting for the right reasons - for offense against God.

Jesus is faithful even when we are not; He cannot deny Himself. Because he who is forgiven much, loves much, you now have the chance to draw into a love relationship with Jesus like never before; like some never will. Remember, when Jesus accepted Peter back after Peter had denied Him, he only asked one thing: Do you love Me?

Stay in the word. Perhaps the "teen" chapters of John, which contain Jesus' Last Supper discourse. Remember, in all the assurance he handed out, He was talking to men He knew were about to abandon Him when the going got tough.

There is much more I could add, because I have walked this terrain, but I can't do it now. Assure your heart before him. Look at Php 3.3, and the progression from Rom 7 to Rom 8, and see your path forward.

You are accepted in the Beloved, and nothing is going to change that. Do NOT let the accuser rip you off.

Welcome back, and blessings of grace and peace,
p.
 
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I spent the past several years of my life living in sin and trying to prove that God doesn't exist. I grew up in a spiritual home and was saved as a child. For some reason or another the world's temptations led me astray. I don't want to go into details but I can't help but not to feel forgiven. I recently asked Jesus to come back into my heart even though I am sure he never left. In all my years of sin everything felt empty, pointless, and followed with guilt. I want to think that was the Holy Spirit convicting me and trying to set me back on course. I have had enough of satan's torture in my mind and want a relationship with God. The sins I have committed of the flesh are not what I am having a problem with now. It is my years doubting God's existence and the hypothetical scenarios I have ran through in my head. I have had, in the past, very troubling thoughts that I could not forgive-such as forsaking God or thinking terrible things like "If you don't believe in God would you cut a deal with the devil?" Even then those thoughts were followed by guilt but I still thought things like I would if it meant being rich. I guess what I need to say is I thought I would. How could God take me after something like that? It's confusing to me, because those thought processes carried ut over a wide spectrum of hypotheticals that I eventually came to think could happen or were going to happen. I always feel theguilt though and it got to the point recently that I had an anxiety attack because I know it wasn't me. I got back into church and have been trying to understand God's will for me. My first service back I felt the Spirit and felt like I needed to follow. I can't explain my feelings but I repent and repent and don't see how I could ever be accepted into the Kingdom of Heaven. I feel comforted in repenting but at the same time I ask for forgiveness I feel like I can't forgive myself and it hinders my ability to start or have a stronger relationship with God. Any advice, scriptures, or experiences that can be shared would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for any typos and poor grammar I am writing from a mobile device. Thank You and keep this stranger in your prayers.

WOW! It is very shocking no one has dropping this beautiful gem on you...

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner partsa;
you teachb me wisdom in the inmost place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God arec a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

-Psalm 51.

I know exactly how you feel and you are on the right path.

Beat your chest, weeping, and pleading, "Father, have mercy on this sinner!".

G_d knows your heart.

Only with Jesus Christ's blood you can remove the stains.

Peace GRACE and Mercy through are Lord Christ Jesus be to you.
 
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oi_antz

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To All Who Posted So Far,

I really appreciate these kind words and the advice through scripture and experience you have given me. I don't know what else to say. I still ask that you all continue to pray for me, a Christian, not a stranger.

Dear Heavenly Father, we approach Your throne of never-ending grace most humbly for our brother here. Lord we can only imagine what it feels like for Your creature to reject You, our Creator, oh Lord we could never comprehend that feeling. Father we know that it is your eager wish that each and every one of us will come to place You on the throne of our heart, so we ask most humbly that the forgiveness you promise us will become a reality to our brother here. Lord, stir up in his heart a desire to draw near to You, to get to know You for the person You are, in as many ways as You will reveal Yourself to him. Lord, give him a passion to read the Bible and draw him to the passages he needs, in order to undergo the healing and become strong in faith. Bring across his path the right people and information to help him understand your mercy, and to build him up strong to stand as a testament of your forgiveness, grace and never-ending kindness. Lord, show him love. Lord, let him grow in love. Heavenly Father, we pray to You in the blessed name of Your Son Jesus Christ, through Whom we have the most awesome privilege to approach Your Majesty and ask for mercy. Thank You Lord, thank You Jesus. Praises and majesty to You alone.

Well Cleansed, I hope you agree with everything I have said to the Lord here. Make sure you read the Bible, because God speaks through the Bible. I remember vividly when I rededicated myself to the Lord, one major learning that stood out to me was that God doesn't lie. That means that everything He says in the Bible is true! As soon as that sank in I couldn't get enough of it. So think about that for a little bit and don't be afraid to just pick it up and start reading. Here's a link to the gospel of John in the online Bible: John 1 - Passage Lookup - New Living Translation - BibleGateway.com

Then put your hand to the plow, have a good look around the forums and share your thoughts with us on topics of interest. You are never too young to think!
 
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blackwolf001

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How I know how u feel. I am on a hard path right now. I am doubting and asking myself why would Jesus die for me? Could he really love us that much .. could he really love me that much? I am not worthy of his love and yet he does love me and he loves you. I am so troubled by this within myself that I have been crying on and off for hours :( This hurt I have seems to go on forever but I think it is more my accpetance that someone can love me and does love me. Not a Human as such but a being so powerful as to make me insignificant and yet .. he loves me :) and I cant understand why he would. Glory be to God and yet I want to hide and curl into a small ball .. to disappear an dyet I cant. Because he will always look for me until he finds me and then carry me back home .. :) tears while writing this .. oh God why cant it be easier .. Pray for each and every one of us who feel unworthy and lost..
 
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Jpark

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I spent the past several years of my life living in sin and trying to prove that God doesn't exist. I grew up in a spiritual home and was saved as a child. For some reason or another the world's temptations led me astray. I don't want to go into details but I can't help but not to feel forgiven. I recently asked Jesus to come back into my heart even though I am sure he never left. In all my years of sin everything felt empty, pointless, and followed with guilt. I want to think that was the Holy Spirit convicting me and trying to set me back on course. I have had enough of satan's torture in my mind and want a relationship with God. The sins I have committed of the flesh are not what I am having a problem with now. It is my years doubting God's existence and the hypothetical scenarios I have ran through in my head. I have had, in the past, very troubling thoughts that I could not forgive-such as forsaking God or thinking terrible things like "If you don't believe in God would you cut a deal with the devil?" Even then those thoughts were followed by guilt but I still thought things like I would if it meant being rich. I guess what I need to say is I thought I would. How could God take me after something like that? It's confusing to me, because those thought processes carried ut over a wide spectrum of hypotheticals that I eventually came to think could happen or were going to happen. I always feel theguilt though and it got to the point recently that I had an anxiety attack because I know it wasn't me. I got back into church and have been trying to understand God's will for me. My first service back I felt the Spirit and felt like I needed to follow. I can't explain my feelings but I repent and repent and don't see how I could ever be accepted into the Kingdom of Heaven. I feel comforted in repenting but at the same time I ask for forgiveness I feel like I can't forgive myself and it hinders my ability to start or have a stronger relationship with God. Any advice, scriptures, or experiences that can be shared would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for any typos and poor grammar I am writing from a mobile device. Thank You and keep this stranger in your prayers.
Repentance is by God (John 1:13). If you really want to be clean, you must ask God for the blood of Jesus and then apply it to your heart. It is what 1 Peter 1:2, 22-23, 1 Peter 3:21, Heb. 10:22, and a multitude of Scripture indicate.

John 13:8 one cannot know Jesus unless they are cleaned by Him
1 John 3:3 those who expect Jesus clean themselves
James 4:8
 
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LWB

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We are all worthy of God's love. He made us to be beautiful; to be like his own Son. God is like a gardener, and we are his prize flower. The apple of his eye.

Just because a flower has an attack of aphids and other disease doesn't mean it is a write off. Our current problem, that makes us unable to live up to our high potential, is only a temporary set back. Only a blink of the eye in the grand scheme of things.

Each and every one of us has the potential to be resplendent in beauty, wisdom, and love. With Grace that makes us spotless and pristine in the sight of God, let these thoughts of unworthiness be flung back into the face of the evil one.
 
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oi_antz

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How I know how u feel. I am on a hard path right now. I am doubting and asking myself why would Jesus die for me? Could he really love us that much .. could he really love me that much? I am not worthy of his love and yet he does love me and he loves you. I am so troubled by this within myself that I have been crying on and off for hours :( This hurt I have seems to go on forever but I think it is more my accpetance that someone can love me and does love me. Not a Human as such but a being so powerful as to make me insignificant and yet .. he loves me :) and I cant understand why he would. Glory be to God and yet I want to hide and curl into a small ball .. to disappear an dyet I cant. Because he will always look for me until he finds me and then carry me back home .. :) tears while writing this .. oh God why cant it be easier .. Pray for each and every one of us who feel unworthy and lost..

Blackwolf001, just want to tell you that your heart is beautiful :angel:
 
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