I was a very emotional child in my younger years, at least that's what my mom tells me, I have very few memories of those times. But after my parents divorce and school bullying my heart became hardened, and I became emotionally numb.
When I came to Christ in spring 2019 I remember the first time I cried since middle school. I just heard the beauty in the Hymn of Cherubim and it brought me to tears. I think this was also the first time I cried in that way, tears of joy or tears for beauty. I think this was the Holy Spirits work.
But then in October 2019, I tested the Holy Spirit and had a terrifying experience. I thought I had lost the Holy Spirit and tried to commit suicide twice, however as you can tell by me being here those attempts failed. God wasn't done with me yet.
Now I became emotionally numb again, untill maybe around May 2020. The Holy Spirit allowed me to cry tears of joy again for a while. But since then I've had blasphemous thoughts going on for months and now I am emotionally numb again. I cannot feel the Spirit that much anymore.
I don't want to become a psychopath or sociopath, but it feels I am regressing in that direction. Just felt the need to vent this. I don't know if there's anything anyone can do to help, except God, if He grants me that mercy.
When I came to Christ in spring 2019 I remember the first time I cried since middle school. I just heard the beauty in the Hymn of Cherubim and it brought me to tears. I think this was also the first time I cried in that way, tears of joy or tears for beauty. I think this was the Holy Spirits work.
But then in October 2019, I tested the Holy Spirit and had a terrifying experience. I thought I had lost the Holy Spirit and tried to commit suicide twice, however as you can tell by me being here those attempts failed. God wasn't done with me yet.
Now I became emotionally numb again, untill maybe around May 2020. The Holy Spirit allowed me to cry tears of joy again for a while. But since then I've had blasphemous thoughts going on for months and now I am emotionally numb again. I cannot feel the Spirit that much anymore.
I don't want to become a psychopath or sociopath, but it feels I am regressing in that direction. Just felt the need to vent this. I don't know if there's anything anyone can do to help, except God, if He grants me that mercy.