Husbands wandering eye

[Bell122855]

Hi,

I know this is not a new issue for any married woman but what (biblical) advice from husbands and wives would you give to me? I just don't trust him anymore because he lies and denies it and I have lost repsect for him. He not only looks, he looks twice, three time and so on. Now, he literally walks behind me when we are out in public and if I am looking his way, he looks the other way but as soon as I turn back, I catch him. It is like he waits until he feels he can get away with it. He read "every mans battle" and swears he doesn't look and he even gets angry if I say something. I stopped saying anything but I think what bothers me most is his dishonesty. Why won't he just admit it and we can work together on the issue? Why does he lie and make it sound like I am making it up? He even told me once he felt I just want to start arguments...are you serious!!!! It has gotten to the point where I won't even look at him in public because if I see him stare at a girl, it just crushes me inside and as much as I pray and beg God for it to not bother me and for me to not even see it, It still crushes me. Any advice? Its been almost two years of this and I can honestly say, my heart is getting to the point where it is just automatically building a wall and with that, I am losing desire to even want to be intimate with him.

 

[NicoleWilliams]

It’s definitely a frustrating and heartbreaking situation – so sorry to know about your husband's behavior. I think it would be a good idea if you and your husband seek marriage counseling together. May be it can help you in some way or the other. I’ll be praying for you, asking our Heavenly Father to comfort you daily with evidences of His great love and compassion (Lamentations 3:22-23). I hope you and your husband can work through these issues and come to a resolution where both feel confident in moving forward. Good luck, sister!

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm sorry that you're distressed. I dated a guy for a while whose head seemed to be able to swivel 180 degrees, he was always staring at women. It was incredibly obvious and he didn't even try to be discreet about it. I found it disrespectful and in poor taste.

I think that all men, married or single, *notice* a beautiful woman walking by. They would have to walk around blind-folded not to notice. But there's a difference between seeing and staring. It's rude and degrading when a man ogles other women.

Have you told your husband that it hurts you when he does that? Instead of denying it and doing it anyway, he should make an effort to curtail that behavior. If he thinks other people don't notice it, he is mistaken. I can easily tell when strangers are checking out women.

 

[Bell122855]

It’s definitely a frustrating and heartbreaking situation – so sorry to know about your husband's behavior. I think it would be a good idea if you and your husband seek marriage counseling together. May be it can help you in some way or the other. I’ll be praying for you, asking our Heavenly Father to comfort you daily with evidences of His great love and compassion (Lamentations 3:22-23). I hope you and your husband can work through these issues and come to a resolution where both feel confident in moving forward. Good luck, sister!

Hi Nicole,
Thank you for your reply. We did try therapy once, it was a Christian therapist and the problem is he will not admit it. Yo can't work on an issue when someone lies. Also, we did seek counsel from a non-christian source and I was told that this was normal and healthy for men. Please just pray that God himself through the power of His Holy Spirit reveal His truth to my husband in this situation and convict him to change. As well as to help me place it in God's hands and not be bitter or hurt or angry toward him.

 

[Bell122855]

I'm sorry that you're distressed. I dated a guy for a while whose head seemed to be able to swivel 180 degrees, he was always staring at women. It was incredibly obvious and he didn't even try to be discreet about it. I found it disrespectful and in poor taste.

I think that all men, married or single, *notice* a beautiful woman walking by. They would have to walk around blind-folded not to notice. But there's a difference between seeing and staring. It's rude and degrading when a man ogles other women.

Have you told your husband that it hurts you when he does that? Instead of denying it and doing it anyway, he should make an effort to curtail that behavior. If he thinks other people don't notice it, he is mistaken. I can easily tell when strangers are checking out women.

Hi,
Thank you for your reply. Yes, after we were married I did talk to him about it and explain how it bothers me, not so much that he "looks" but that he "looks, looks again, and again" and...the way he looks, the places he looks but he instantly denied it. I went through a period of time thinking I was going crazy and making it up. Then, it got to the point where I could actually tell him the type of women, the way they dress, their age and so on that he tends to stare at and that his eyes are attracted to, he agreed. He finally admitted that he looks but only because God called him out on it. We were in Hawaii and we attended a cute little church on sunday. An older gentleman that we never met before came and sat next to us during fellowship time after the service. After general introductions and sharing what brought us to Hawaii, the man looks at my husband and says, "I have this problem that I have had all my life and God has been speaking to me about it. I have an eye for woman. I am reading a book called, 'every mans battle' and it is teaching me how to 'bounce' my eyes. I can honestly tell you that it is absolutely sinful on my part to continue to act this was, especially at my age but I can't seem to stop". So I asked the man why he feels he can't stop and his reply, "Because obviously I don't want to bad enough". I almost fell off the chair as my husband sunk lower into his. We got home and he bought and read the book. Then, I noticed he started looking then turning away but now...like I said, he walks behind me so I won't notice and that behavior tells me that he obviously does not want to stop but he is trying to be crafty in his ways so he doesn't get caught. It is a deep heart issue. Now he is back to denying it again.

 

[Poppyseed78]

@Bell122855 His behavior sounds quite hurtful. He's fooling no one by walking behind you. He's just embarrassing himself when he does that.

I would approach it in this way: I would say to him, what's more important to him, looking at women he doesn't even know, or honoring his wife, who loves him? Showing you respect should be his priority. Staring at other women is entirely selfish, and in the end, it brings him nothing. In fact, he has a lot to lose by doing that, and nothing to gain.

Would he be open to talking to a Christian counselor again?

He can resist the temptation to stare, if he really wants to. He might claim that just "looking" isn't harmful, but lusting in one's mind is the road to sin. And ultimately, it is the opposite of cherishing one's wife.
Matthew 18:9
"And if your eye causes you to fall into sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell."

 

[Bell122855]

@Bell122855 His behavior sounds quite hurtful. He's fooling no one by walking behind you. He's just embarrassing himself when he does that.

I would approach it in this way: I would say to him, what's more important to him, looking at women he doesn't even know, or honoring his wife, who loves him? Showing you respect should be his priority. Staring at other women is entirely selfish, and in the end, it brings him nothing. In fact, he has a lot to lose by doing that, and nothing to gain.

Would he be open to talking to a Christian counselor again?

He can resist the temptation to stare, if he really wants to. He might claim that just "looking" isn't harmful, but lusting in one's mind is the road to sin. And ultimately, it is the opposite of cherishing one's wife.
Matthew 18:9
"And if your eye causes you to fall into sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell."

Thank you. I can honestly say that having my feelings justified is helping me to focus and think clearly about this. Maybe it is time to try counseling again but i am hesitant only because if he is still not willing to admit and do something about it, I can tell you it would crush me even more. I do however, like your approach and the scripture you mentioned. I will have this conversation with him when things are not so heated because he gets so defensive all the time. Thanks again. God bless you for your support.