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Husbands porn addiction

Discussion in 'General Struggles' started by mommyof3emblife, Dec 6, 2018 at 1:57 PM.

  1. mommyof3emblife

    mommyof3emblife New Member

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    My husband has struggled with porn since before marriage and continues in the cycle of me finding out, askinghim, him lying until he realizes I’ve seen, then confessing and apologizing saying he won’t do it again. I always forgive and offer to support him if he’ll just be honest about it. This time it seems the content has gotten worse and he’s consistently searching for things about incest like brother/ sister, father/daughter, and we have 3 young kids at home. With 1 being a daughter this really frightens me. Should I be worried about their safety if this type of porn is what interests him? What should I do? I’m not even sure how to approach this anymore as each time seems to escalate and him just finding better ways to hide it. I wish we could afford counseling but can’t. And I’ve asked him about going but he says no. How should I handle this?
     
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  2. BNR32FAN

    BNR32FAN He’s a Way of life Supporter

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    Do you think he truly wants to stop? That is the big question. Also is he a Christian?
     
  3. mommyof3emblife

    mommyof3emblife New Member

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    Yes he’s a Christian. When we talk about it he seems to want to stop. But then will NEVER be honest with me til I find out on my own again even though I’m always understanding with him. I don’t know if he’s ever really stopped. This has been going on over 10 years.
     
  4. Dave L

    Dave L Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Get rid of the internet, or have your ISP put a porn filter on it.
     
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  5. BNR32FAN

    BNR32FAN He’s a Way of life Supporter

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    I’ve also struggled with this when I first became a Christian and here’s a few things I did to help me to stop looking at porn. First put a wallpaper of Jesus on the computer desktop screen and cellphone. Then put pictures of Jesus on the walls all over the house especially where you suspect he is looking at porn. For me I couldn’t bring myself to sit and watch porn with pictures of Jesus looking at me. This is how I finally stopped but it’s going to depend on his level of devotion to God whether this will work or not. I hope this helps sister God bless.
     
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  6. Nithavela

    Nithavela the best arguments are worthless when never heard

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    This sounds less like he wants to stop viewing porn and more like you wanting him to stop and he going superficially along with it because he wants you to stop complaining.

    I doubt thats a good basis for any change of behaviour.
     
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  7. mommyof3emblife

    mommyof3emblife New Member

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    That’s what I’m thinking. So is this a threat to my kids? My marriage? Should I just keep praying for change or take action and do something? If so what? I just feel at a loss for what to do or make of it.
     
  8. Nithavela

    Nithavela the best arguments are worthless when never heard

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    I think the best way to go forward would be to agree to marriage counseling.

    Many men watch porn and still maintain a perfectly happy marriage with their spouse.
     
  9. liberty of conscience

    liberty of conscience created anew

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    [Staff edit].

    Then continue to love, in Christ Jesus, and always do what is best for his salvation, and for your children (whom God hath given you to raise to the glory of God, and are as steward over them, they are talents given you).

    He is a lover of "pleasure", more than a lover of God.

    It is a very serious addiction, since it involves internal chemicals and hormones. It is "self"-perpetuating. [Staff edit].

    some helpful sources, but be careful even with them - Your Brain on Porn

    An Overview Of The Issue - Fight the New Drug

    [Staff edit].

    The wicked heart is deceitful above all things. It plans on how to sin in secrecy so as not to be disturbed. It can plan weeks in advance. It looks for opportunity to sin, to please itself, at every moment. It is a deadly enemy in the home.

    It is adultery at the heart of it and is grounds for separation, even divorce. If you are that concerned for your children, remove them (and even yourself) from the picture if necessary. Do not play around with them in the picture.

    He needs to understand the choice he needs to make, and it is going to cost. However, be careful. Such persons may turn violent.

    Do not take any of these to another 'man', and confide in them.

    Better to sell some things and raise the funds if necessary. Better to beg friends for help if necessary. Better to go without somethings and to raise the money.

    He is frightened/scared of being in the open. Afraid of admitting his addiction. Light must come to this one way or another. If he refuses to go, then you may have to turn such actions into the justice system so that he might receive help, and to proctect your and other children.

    You can always take your computer to the police station and have them search the whole HD without him knowing. If they find anything incriminating, they can begin the process of 'arresting' the situation. It may be the best situation.

    With caution, with tender loving care, with all seriousness of saving his soul from utter destruction, with all gravity of responsibility towards your God-given children (for if they are damaged, you will be responsible before God).

    Fast and Pray (today) for wisdom and guidance and God will direct your path.

    Contact a porn addiction center and ask for help.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2018 at 11:31 PM
  10. mommyof3emblife

    mommyof3emblife New Member

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    [Staff edit].

    Thank you so much that is a lot of really good information and resources. I really do appreciate it! I will start with the links you’ve provided and fasting and prayer. Thank you!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2018 at 11:31 PM
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  11. Kenny'sID

    Kenny'sID Well-Known Member Supporter

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    As if things weren't bad enough.

    Yeah, that would worry me as well, but who knows if that will move from fantasy to reality, or not.
     
  12. John Bowen

    John Bowen Active Member Supporter

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    Would he watch porn in public ? No so let him know the if this happens again you will make it public to his family , friends he will stop then .Love isn't always kind and gentle it gets in people's face letting them know when they are off track .
     
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  13. Kenny'sID

    Kenny'sID Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Good idea, and maybe be a bit subtle by saying something like, you will need to ask friends and/or family for help. That way it appears to him it's something that can't be avoided/he caused, and not just telling on him. Might help keep you out of some hot water anyway.
     
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  14. zephcom

    zephcom Well-Known Member

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    This is a tough one. There is probably no more danger from him for your children than if he never watched porn. But that does not ensure there is no danger either.

    From personal experience, porn does not encourage one to 'act out' the porn in real life. A normal male is capable of knowing the difference between porn and real life.

    BUT, this makes you uncomfortable and fearful. That should never be part of anyone's home life. Given all that, my advice would be to secure as much money as you can where he can't get a hold of it and then then take the kids and move out and move on.

    If you felt differently about the porn, I would advise differently. This really is something that is solely your decision. You have every right to feel comfortable and safe in your home.
     
  15. Shiloh Raven

    Shiloh Raven I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

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    I'm not a professional by any means, but I do suggest some kind of professional counseling for your husband to help him overcome his addiction to pornography. He needs help more than just saying prayers for him or good intentions on his part. He has an addiction that could destroy your marriage and your family. And if you're afraid for your childrens' safety, then you owe it to them to get help for their father so he won't hurt them. I'm not saying he will, but you are concerned about that.
     
  16. Shiloh Raven

    Shiloh Raven I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

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    And personally speaking as a wife of almost 26 years, you need to get your husband some serious help for your own emotional and spiritual sake too. Sweetheart, you don't deserve to be second best to your husband's pornography addiction that is infecting your Christian marriage and family.
     
  17. RDKirk

    RDKirk Alien, Pilgrim, and Sojourner Supporter

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    Well, that is certainly a track to divorce.
     
  18. RestoreTheJoy

    RestoreTheJoy Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Shut off the internet (assuming computer access to porn here). It's a whole lot more work having to go buy magazines or videos. I would not make it easy even if it causes inconvenience for a time. Like today.

    You say you have young kids. Are you saying he is watching porn with young children as the victims? Perhaps I am misunderstanding your wording (have not read all responses). Oh, heck no, in that case. He or you need to leave immediately (taking the kids), in that case.

    Don't get bamboozled by the "you need to make it work" stuff when your kids are at risk, if anyone in your life suggests that. The kids' safety is paramount. He is violating his vows to you, because remember that if a man looks with lust on a (anyone), he has committed adultery in his heart, said Jesus. If he is serious about keeping his marriage, he is going to do whatever it takes. If he is not, let him go. That's a hard line when it comes to your kids.
     
  19. RestoreTheJoy

    RestoreTheJoy Well-Known Member Supporter

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    This. Immediately.
     
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  20. mommyof3emblife

    mommyof3emblife New Member

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    No I don’t believe he’s watching anything with young kids. But I haven’t clicked on anything to check bc I don’t want to see it. But I think it’s just incest titles with adult actors.
     
  21. RestoreTheJoy

    RestoreTheJoy Well-Known Member Supporter

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    That is not ok. I would draw a hard line there and stop that access in my home, with my kids.
     
  22. whereloveandmercymeet

    whereloveandmercymeet Member

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    I don’t think if you’ve never had reason to feel he’s a danger to your kids he suddenly is now. If he watched a film with a murder in it you wouldn’t assume he’s going to murder someone?

    That doesn’t mean what he’s doing is good or it should carry on. The big thing is how it’s affecting you right relationship and the family. Threatening him with ultimatums probably won’t work but will cause arguments and upset you more. I’d suggest if trying to have an adult conversation with him doesn’t work, try using an impartial third person, whether that’s a professional or just someone you both trust and respect.
     
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  23. devolved

    devolved Newbie

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    Please... Please don't listen to people who think they are the paragorns of wisdom, and that separating the family and your children from their father is a good long-term strategy.


    First ask yourself several questions:

    1) apart from the porn issue, is he a good father and a husband? If the answer is yes...

    2). Ask yourself whether he is really the kind of man who would do something to your daughter? If the answer is no.

    Then ask the most important question...
    What is more important right now... That your husband doesn't watch porn, or that the family is together and that you guys can get through this and find a way to make it work?

    Try to understand the guilt cycle, and showing support is more important than reprimand and divorse.

    I'm not saying that you should accept your husband's porn as "normal". But you should accept is as more normal than not. Porn is mostly curiosity and boredom wrap up in pleasure/guilt cycle. And you can either re-enforces that cycle for your husband, or you can support him and re-assure that you love him no matter what and tell him that every chance you have. Or you can detroys your marriage and forever change thes with life of your children who need their father.

    [Staff edit].
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2018 at 11:42 PM
  24. RDKirk

    RDKirk Alien, Pilgrim, and Sojourner Supporter

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    The reason I make this point is because people are talking about breaking up the family based on "danger to the children" and that presumption erroneously based on what is actually purely adult pornography not involving children at all.
     
  25. whereloveandmercymeet

    whereloveandmercymeet Member

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    I think it’s extreme to say he’s a risk to the children because of adult porn. If the OP has any evidence to the contrary I’m sure she’d already be gone because she sounds genuinely concerned about her family and her children.

    Deal with the issue that exists, not ones people are extrapolating.
     
  26. mommyof3emblife

    mommyof3emblife New Member

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    I really appreciate all the input more than you all know! Some seem to think this is pretty serious, others not so much. It’s so hard to know what to do because while I feel like I know him, this other part that sees all these things he’s looking up feels like I don’t know him at all. I’m not leaving the kids alone with him right now since thankfully I’m not working and have that option, but should I be doing more? I still haven’t confronted
     
  27. mommyof3emblife

    mommyof3emblife New Member

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    Him this past time because I haven’t fully decided how I should handle this. And trust me I’ve been praying and seeking god and just still don’t feel a clear peace about how to go about this. I really wish I could afford to talk it out with a Christian therapist.
     
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