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Husband lied about having previous kids

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Wendowen, Nov 14, 2017.

  1. Wendowen

    Wendowen New Member

    5
    +4
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Tonight I am so sad.. I have been married for 3 yrs.. and I feel like everything has been a lie.
    My husband came here from another country over 10 yr ago. We met late in life at 39.
    He told me he never had any kids when we were dating and even the last 3 yrs.
    We currently have a 2 yr old who I thought was his only child. It wasn't until we were finalizing some papers he finally came clean about how he has 2 other kids plus one adopted with an ex girlfriend from over 10 yr ago.
    I feel so betrayed, I don't know what to do. He basically told me lied because he knew I would never have married him. I also found out he lied about a few other things as well during all this.
    My whole world has been turned upside down.. I hate how he has destroyed my trust in him.
    Is lying to your spouse grounds for divorce?
    Does anyone have any ideas how to deal with this?
    please help if you do..
     
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  2. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    +3,369
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Republican
    Sorry to hear that he lied to you.

    It's not Biblical grounds for divorce.

    If you don't mind, could you elaborate on this a little more? Were these papers that every married couple has to do, or only papers that pertain to his status in the country?
     
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  3. ValleyGal

    ValleyGal Well-Known Member

    +1,446
    Anabaptist
    Married
    Imo, you have been coerced into a marriage that you otherwise might have declined, had you been fully informed. I don't really think coercion is addressed in the Bible, but here is a site that covers divorce as a biblical study of the subject: www.divorcehope.com.

    Before you think about divorce, though, think about whether you will be able to talk this out with a counsellor and be able to get past it. Ask yourself whether the quality of the relationship since then is worth the effort it will take to recover from this. Ask yourself if your husband has truly repented and recognizes the breach of trust he caused. Ask yourself whether he will do everything necessary to prove himself to you as an honest and transparent man in order to win your trust back.
     
  4. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

    +1,799
    United States
    Christian
    Private
    Lies of a magnitude sufficient to impact your willingness to marry constitute fraud. Even the Catholic church recognizes that as grounds for annulment, because you were effectively deprived of informed consent when you made the marriage decision.
     
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  5. Evergold

    Evergold New Member

    11
    +11
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    I am really sorry to hear that your spouse lied to you. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be. Although I can definitely imagine feeling betrayed and severely misled, I am not sure that I would immediately consider divorce. There have been countless married couples who have endured a large range of difficulties and still managed to keep their union intact.

    Even though it may be very difficult, perhaps you could look for a silver lining in all of this. Perhaps this is a good opportunity for you and your husband to sit down together and come clean about anything either of you may have been holding back from each other. Now that his secrets are out in the open, he may feel more comfortable telling you anything else he left out.

    I would also ask God to reveal any potential blessings that could come of this now that you have the information you do. For instance, your child now has siblings who could be a potential support system for them. In my own life I have seen how some of the most devastating experiences I've gone through really ended up being hidden blessings. Whatever decision you decide to make, I sincerely hope it is the best one for both you and your family.
     
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  6. Zatek

    Zatek Member

    249
    +116
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    You should divorce him and take everything he owns. In general divorce courts are very biased and discriminatory against men, but if what you say is true then this guy actually deserves it. Just keep in mind that you're going to be a 42(?) year old single mom of a toddler. You will have pretty much zero chance at dating any respectable men unless they also have a kid, and there are a lot more single moms than single dads out there. Just giving you the truth so you know what you're getting in to.

    And don't listen to these fools who are telling you to work it out with him. Any person who claims to love you but lies to you does not love you. Would you do business with someone you know is a liar? Would you be friends with someone who is a liar? Would you go to a church where you know the pastor is a liar? Would you worship God if he was a liar? Of course not. Likewise, you're an idiot if you stay married to a liar. Truth is the foundation of any relationship and is non-negotiable.
     
  7. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    +3,369
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Republican
    What he did is despicable, but it's not coercion. It's deception.

    Definition of COERCED
     
  8. Evergold

    Evergold New Member

    11
    +11
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    [QUOTE="And don't listen to these fools who are telling you to work it out with him. Any person who claims to love you but lies to you does not love you. Would you do business with someone you know is a liar? Would you be friends with someone who is a liar? Would you go to a church where you know the pastor is a liar? Would you worship God if he was a liar? Of course not. Likewise, you're an idiot if you stay married to a liar. Truth is the foundation of any relationship and is non-negotiable.[/QUOTE]

    So, let me get this straight. A person is a "fool" simply because they believe that people are potentially capable of changing their ways? A person is automatically "an idiot" for making a decision that may be contrary to what the general public might do? What her husband did was definitely wrong--make no mistake about it. However, people lie all the time. It doesn't automatically make them a downright evil person nor does it permanently bar them from being able to amend their behavior going forward.
     
  9. Zatek

    Zatek Member

    249
    +116
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    I never said "people are automatically an idiot for making decisions that may be contrary to what the general public might do?", I said "you're an idiot if you stay married to a liar". It can't be said much simpler than that.

    Also, I never said that lying is a worse sin than any other in terms of how evil someone is, or that people can never change, I just said that a liar is not the kind of person you want to have any relationship with. Business, friendship, romance, whatever. Stay away from liars.
     
  10. Kit Sigmon

    Kit Sigmon Well-Known Member

    +970
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Welcome to this forum!

    Take time to cool down and then discuss the matter, I highly recommend
    seeking marriage counseling as soon as possible!

    While it be horrible that he lied to you, don't think divorce is going to make
    things better for you...you and your husband have a two year old child together.
    Divorce won't heal the deep hurt and or betrayal, nor will it make things right
    or bring peace.
    You would still have to learn to deal with your spouse because of having a child together.

    Wounds take time to heal, it's going to be hard enough since it's getting closer to Thanksgiving and Christmas.

    Don't make quick decisions when you're very upset...you'll regret them.

    Forgiveness is needed and needed badly... ask the Lord to help you work
    through the lies and deception.
    Seek marriage counseling right away!




     
  11. ValleyGal

    ValleyGal Well-Known Member

    +1,446
    Anabaptist
    Married
    Right I used the wrong word. I should have said fraud.
     
  12. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    593
    +298
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Are you supporting his immigration papers as part of your marriage?

    Did he reveal the other children in order to put them on the papers and facilitate their immigration as well?
     
  13. Wendowen

    Wendowen New Member

    5
    +4
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Thank you all for your responses.. I have had a lot of time to think about this since this has happened.. unfortunately it has gotten harder.. as now he has disclosed he has been in constant contact with these 3 children and now wants to buy them large items.. presents, etc.. now that the cat is out of the bag he wants to be open with all this.. only thing is I just don't care about them.. And you are right.. if I had known prior to marriage I would not have married him.
    He first response was to lie.. I don't believe you can change somebody at this stage of the game.. so the problem is mine.. I am seeking counseling for myself. I believe the marriage is over. I cannot trust someone who would intentionally lie to me about something so significant. I am only staying until our child is older. But mentally I have checked out.
     
  14. Wendowen

    Wendowen New Member

    5
    +4
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Divorcing would mean walking away from a lier. Cleansing my life from somebody who always chooses to respond in untruth.. would anyone stay in a home with a cracking foundation?
     
  15. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    593
    +298
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    A separation does not get any easier on children as they get older - in fact, the younger, the easier. I agree that you were deceived into the marriage on fraudulent grounds.

    Due to his deceptive nature that shows no value or consideration of you, I would not be surprised if he started influencing your daughter away from you in order to manipulate you so please take care to watch for that.

    I'm so sorry you are in this situation. (((((Hugs)))).
    E.
     
  16. Kit Sigmon

    Kit Sigmon Well-Known Member

    +970
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Wendowen divorcing would mean walking away from a lier.

    Actually it don't mean that at all.
    You and him divorce... there's you, the 2 year old child and your ex....you be a fractured family living at different addresses.

    Your ex-husband forks over money for various supports for the child, perhaps even spousal support, has visitation rights with said child and this goes on for many years to come, being the child is two years old.
    It's still you and him trying to make things good for the child...which is what
    parents should do...love and take care of their child/children.

    I'm in a second marriage and know how this goes, me and my husband have
    been married for well over a decade, he has 3 grown children and a ex-wife
    who cheated, lied and then divorced him and married her affair guy.


    My husband's ex-wife did all she could to rid herself of any association with
    her past life with "him" and his last name...
    Victory was short lived and the children started marrying and their dad was
    to be there, and when the youngest child, a daughter got married she wanted
    her dad to walk her down the aisle....his ex was fuming but that's how things
    went.

    The three grown children have families...which gives us
    ten grandchildren. And each birth meant we'd all be there welcoming
    the new arrival...family photo album: Ex spouses, current spouses, married children and new additions to family...this would be repeated ten times so far.
    Can't forget to mention celebrating the holidays, child/childrens birthdays,
    graduations etc.

    The last family gathering included all of us...me, my husband, his ex-wife and
    her husband, the 3 grown children, their spouses and of course the grandchildren.
    His ex-wife is still in our lives, and because there's children and grandchildren and we all had to make adjustments...walk out forgiveness, it's not a one time thing either.

    I know that divorce happens but I still advise against rushing towards it, specially if you be thinking it's going to rid you of your spouse who lied about having
    other children, and you and him have a two year old child to raise up in a godly
    manner.






    [/QUOTE]
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2018
  17. Evergold

    Evergold New Member

    11
    +11
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    Firstly, I want to agree with you: No one can change anyone else. We are all responsible for our own actions, both good and bad. While I still maintain that people can do deplorable things and genuinely change for the better, it doesn’t automatically mean that you should stay with him. And even if he did change his ways, the burden would be 100% on him. At this point, I would pray for him to cease the seemingly incessant lies. Afterall, whether you stay or go, he will always be your child’s father. Even though he didn’t honor you as you deserved, we can only hope he won’t go on to lie to and otherwise deceive your child as well.

    Secondly, I commend you for seeking out help for yourself. I can only imagine how hard it would be to go through something like this. You may need the support to stay strong as you face this, so therapy can definitely help with that. If nothing else, you owe it to yourself and your child to not let this situation break your spirit or limit your ability to still be the best mother you can be.

    Once again, I’m extremely sorry to hear about your situation. This man clearly has some serious issues to sort out within himself...it is just unfortunate that he has managed to drag you and your child into the muck with him. No matter what you do from this point forward, I hope you make the best choice you can for your child—the ultimate innocent victim in this. At this point, there may not be a “good” or happy solution per se, but there has to be one that you can both live with and proudly stand by. I sincerely hope you find it.
     
  18. Boaz308

    Boaz308 New Member

    30
    +12
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    The time to have not married him was when the Holy Spirit was convicting you about dating him and you did it anyway. You already said you wouldn't have married him if you had known.... That is very indicative of someone that knows something in their heart and is justifying not trusting God and doing what they want to do anyway. Now you have gotten yourself into a mess and blaming everybody but yourself. Now you have a child who has not made the decision not to trust God... are you willing to divorce him and remain celibate, because that's your biblical option now.
     
  19. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

    +2,044
    Christian
    Married
    For starters I'd say while its a big lie, your stuck now with him. You say you don't care about his kids, but in reality you should care about his kids. Jesus would care despite the fact he lied about them. Because they are now technically your family also. You seem very bitter about it all, which I get of course. But as I said as christians we can't be that way. Honestly, at least his lie wasn't something like "I've been cheating on you since we married!". Not that lying about kids is somehow ok.

    What country is he from? Maybe theres a reason he lied depending on his cultural views or what others may think of him back home. Again, not saying its an excuse. Also what were his other lies?

    Christians today divorce over any issue they can think of. Its no longer taken as a sacred thing. I'd say talk to your pastor not only about counseling but working on the bitterness and "void" you feel because as time goes on these feelings will get worse. And maybe have your husband get counseling too about lying and understanding how much this will harm you. Because as most people do, trusting someone again is not easy to do. I pray you two can work things out and trust again and that there are NO more lies hes keeping.
     
  20. Wendowen

    Wendowen New Member

    5
    +4
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Wow thats condemning! so high and mighty of you to say I was blaming everybody but myself.. i Never said that! and my daughter is only 2.. so what the heck are you talking about having a child you can't make a decision to not to trust God???.. what a complete waste of your time to even respond to me when you obviously did not read my post and don't care to give any good advice anyways..
     
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