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Husband lied about having previous kids

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Wendowen, Nov 14, 2017.

  1. Wendowen

    Wendowen New Member

    1
    +2
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Tonight I am so sad.. I have been married for 3 yrs.. and I feel like everything has been a lie.
    My husband came here from another country over 10 yr ago. We met late in life at 39.
    He told me he never had any kids when we were dating and even the last 3 yrs.
    We currently have a 2 yr old who I thought was his only child. It wasn't until we were finalizing some papers he finally came clean about how he has 2 other kids plus one adopted with an ex girlfriend from over 10 yr ago.
    I feel so betrayed, I don't know what to do. He basically told me lied because he knew I would never have married him. I also found out he lied about a few other things as well during all this.
    My whole world has been turned upside down.. I hate how he has destroyed my trust in him.
    Is lying to your spouse grounds for divorce?
    Does anyone have any ideas how to deal with this?
    please help if you do..
     
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  2. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    +3,103
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Republican
    Sorry to hear that he lied to you.

    It's not Biblical grounds for divorce.

    If you don't mind, could you elaborate on this a little more? Were these papers that every married couple has to do, or only papers that pertain to his status in the country?
     
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  3. ValleyGal

    ValleyGal Well-Known Member

    +1,356
    Anabaptist
    Married
    Imo, you have been coerced into a marriage that you otherwise might have declined, had you been fully informed. I don't really think coercion is addressed in the Bible, but here is a site that covers divorce as a biblical study of the subject: www.divorcehope.com.

    Before you think about divorce, though, think about whether you will be able to talk this out with a counsellor and be able to get past it. Ask yourself whether the quality of the relationship since then is worth the effort it will take to recover from this. Ask yourself if your husband has truly repented and recognizes the breach of trust he caused. Ask yourself whether he will do everything necessary to prove himself to you as an honest and transparent man in order to win your trust back.
     
  4. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

    +1,682
    United States
    Christian
    Private
    Lies of a magnitude sufficient to impact your willingness to marry constitute fraud. Even the Catholic church recognizes that as grounds for annulment, because you were effectively deprived of informed consent when you made the marriage decision.
     
  5. Evergold

    Evergold New Member

    9
    +5
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    I am really sorry to hear that your spouse lied to you. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be. Although I can definitely imagine feeling betrayed and severely misled, I am not sure that I would immediately consider divorce. There have been countless married couples who have endured a large range of difficulties and still managed to keep their union intact.

    Even though it may be very difficult, perhaps you could look for a silver lining in all of this. Perhaps this is a good opportunity for you and your husband to sit down together and come clean about anything either of you may have been holding back from each other. Now that his secrets are out in the open, he may feel more comfortable telling you anything else he left out.

    I would also ask God to reveal any potential blessings that could come of this now that you have the information you do. For instance, your child now has siblings who could be a potential support system for them. In my own life I have seen how some of the most devastating experiences I've gone through really ended up being hidden blessings. Whatever decision you decide to make, I sincerely hope it is the best one for both you and your family.
     
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  6. Zatek

    Zatek Member

    129
    +77
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    You should divorce him and take everything he owns. In general divorce courts are very biased and discriminatory against men, but if what you say is true then this guy actually deserves it. Just keep in mind that you're going to be a 42(?) year old single mom of a toddler. You will have pretty much zero chance at dating any respectable men unless they also have a kid, and there are a lot more single moms than single dads out there. Just giving you the truth so you know what you're getting in to.

    And don't listen to these fools who are telling you to work it out with him. Any person who claims to love you but lies to you does not love you. Would you do business with someone you know is a liar? Would you be friends with someone who is a liar? Would you go to a church where you know the pastor is a liar? Would you worship God if he was a liar? Of course not. Likewise, you're an idiot if you stay married to a liar. Truth is the foundation of any relationship and is non-negotiable.
     
  7. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    +3,103
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Republican
    What he did is despicable, but it's not coercion. It's deception.

    Definition of COERCED
     
  8. Evergold

    Evergold New Member

    9
    +5
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    [QUOTE="And don't listen to these fools who are telling you to work it out with him. Any person who claims to love you but lies to you does not love you. Would you do business with someone you know is a liar? Would you be friends with someone who is a liar? Would you go to a church where you know the pastor is a liar? Would you worship God if he was a liar? Of course not. Likewise, you're an idiot if you stay married to a liar. Truth is the foundation of any relationship and is non-negotiable.[/QUOTE]

    So, let me get this straight. A person is a "fool" simply because they believe that people are potentially capable of changing their ways? A person is automatically "an idiot" for making a decision that may be contrary to what the general public might do? What her husband did was definitely wrong--make no mistake about it. However, people lie all the time. It doesn't automatically make them a downright evil person nor does it permanently bar them from being able to amend their behavior going forward.
     
  9. Zatek

    Zatek Member

    129
    +77
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    I never said "people are automatically an idiot for making decisions that may be contrary to what the general public might do?", I said "you're an idiot if you stay married to a liar". It can't be said much simpler than that.

    Also, I never said that lying is a worse sin than any other in terms of how evil someone is, or that people can never change, I just said that a liar is not the kind of person you want to have any relationship with. Business, friendship, romance, whatever. Stay away from liars.
     
  10. Kit Sigmon

    Kit Sigmon Well-Known Member

    +817
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Welcome to this forum!

    Take time to cool down and then discuss the matter, I highly recommend
    seeking marriage counseling as soon as possible!

    While it be horrible that he lied to you, don't think divorce is going to make
    things better for you...you and your husband have a two year old child together.
    Divorce won't heal the deep hurt and or betrayal, nor will it make things right
    or bring peace.
    You would still have to learn to deal with your spouse because of having a child together.

    Wounds take time to heal, it's going to be hard enough since it's getting closer to Thanksgiving and Christmas.

    Don't make quick decisions when you're very upset...you'll regret them.

    Forgiveness is needed and needed badly... ask the Lord to help you work
    through the lies and deception.
    Seek marriage counseling right away!




     
  11. ValleyGal

    ValleyGal Well-Known Member

    +1,356
    Anabaptist
    Married
    Right I used the wrong word. I should have said fraud.
     
  12. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Active Member

    413
    +221
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Are you supporting his immigration papers as part of your marriage?

    Did he reveal the other children in order to put them on the papers and facilitate their immigration as well?
     
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