Husband in need of honest opinions and help. At the end of my rope..

[husbandreallytrying]

Hello,

My wife and I have seemed to come to an road block. I don't know what else to do. But Let me start by saying that this may take a little bit because no story occurs in a vacuum. I have been married for a little over 8 years. My wife is 12 years younger than me and came into the relationship with a son. We both are serious about our relationship with God. We understand fully that marriage is a commitment and covenant with God. At times That fact has been the only thing keeping HER in it.

First I will list her issues with me as she has laid them out many many many times.

She feels like I have failed her in EVERY way as a husband.
She believes I put others...especially my mom ahead of her.
She thinks that I havent accomplished anything in life worth talking about.
She thinks I have poor work ethic
She thinks I havent provided for her the security she needs in any way
She thinks I do not lead her nor the kids spiritually in any way
She thinks that I think i do no wrong.
She puts her father on a pedestal because they grew up wealthy



I feel like none of those issues she has with me are actually based in facts.

I pay for EVERYTHING we have. Nice apartment. Plenty of food. internet electric ...eating out money..etc everything.

However there were two times where things got really hard...financially...both times to where she and the boy had to live with her parents while I tried to get things back together for us. Which I did through Gods grace. During that time she expressed that she was supporting me and us all the way..Even though it was scary and rough we got through it...

come to find out that she is holding those hard times against me. Saying that I have amounted to nothing. That I have held her back and added nothing to her life. That I am worthless. Put a pin in that...

In my failure and humanity I have occasionally watched inappropriate content. In which she has found out and not let me live it down one bit. I've repented each time. I've tried to apologize to her to no avail. She continues to hold it against me.

And lastly she thinks that I put my mother before her. Not because I value my moms opinion over hers....I dont. Not bcause I like y moms cooking over hers....I dont. Not because I spend more time with my mom than her....I definitely dont. But because of a hand ful of incidents over a 8 year period that she deems as evidence. An example is the third time I got laid off I was on my way home and I called my mom to get advice on how to break it to my wife. When she found out that I called my mom first It was all she needed to go off. That was over 6 years ago. She STILL brings that up.

ANyway....I have tried to suck it up and take responsibility for ALL OF IT. but to no avail. Its almost like NOTHING will satisfy her anger. She regularly disrespects me in front of the boys. She regularly degrades me and says all manner of foul things to me. (she never was attracted to me, my mom has my "genitalia") I dont respond in kind...although I REALLLLLY want to. I'm a strong man....but I am angry. And everyone has their breaking point.

HOW do I honor God and love her like Christ loves the church when she seems hell bent on rejecting ANY and EVERYTHING I do. And Places ALL blame on me. Her BAD behavior is only a result of reactions to what I have done wrong... No agency on her part.


There are so many details but I think this is getting to long. I want to please God. I want to love my wife the way that honors her and God. I hate that this is impeding our progress as a couple....but if I am missing something I want to fix it. God put me in charge and I know the buck stops here.....but how do you lead someone who refuses to follow and is upset at EVERY LITTLE THING??

 

[Hazelelponi]

You need marriage counseling.

 

[GodsGrace101]

Hello,

My wife and I have seemed to come to an road block. I don't know what else to do. But Let me start by saying that this may take a little bit because no story occurs in a vacuum. I have been married for a little over 8 years. My wife is 12 years younger than me and came into the relationship with a son. We both are serious about our relationship with God. We understand fully that marriage is a commitment and covenant with God. At times That fact has been the only thing keeping HER in it.

First I will list her issues with me as she has laid them out many many many times.

She feels like I have failed her in EVERY way as a husband.
She believes I put others...especially my mom ahead of her.
She thinks that I havent accomplished anything in life worth talking about.
She thinks I have poor work ethic
She thinks I havent provided for her the security she needs in any way
She thinks I do not lead her nor the kids spiritually in any way
She thinks that I think i do no wrong.
She puts her father on a pedestal because they grew up wealthy



I feel like none of those issues she has with me are actually based in facts.

I pay for EVERYTHING we have. Nice apartment. Plenty of food. internet electric ...eating out money..etc everything.

However there were two times where things got really hard...financially...both times to where she and the boy had to live with her parents while I tried to get things back together for us. Which I did through Gods grace. During that time she expressed that she was supporting me and us all the way..Even though it was scary and rough we got through it...

come to find out that she is holding those hard times against me. Saying that I have amounted to nothing. That I have held her back and added nothing to her life. That I am worthless. Put a pin in that...

In my failure and humanity I have occasionally watched inappropriate content. In which she has found out and not let me live it down one bit. I've repented each time. I've tried to apologize to her to no avail. She continues to hold it against me.

And lastly she thinks that I put my mother before her. Not because I value my moms opinion over hers....I dont. Not bcause I like y moms cooking over hers....I dont. Not because I spend more time with my mom than her....I definitely dont. But because of a hand ful of incidents over a 8 year period that she deems as evidence. An example is the third time I got laid off I was on my way home and I called my mom to get advice on how to break it to my wife. When she found out that I called my mom first It was all she needed to go off. That was over 6 years ago. She STILL brings that up.

ANyway....I have tried to suck it up and take responsibility for ALL OF IT. but to no avail. Its almost like NOTHING will satisfy her anger. She regularly disrespects me in front of the boys. She regularly degrades me and says all manner of foul things to me. (she never was attracted to me, my mom has my "genitalia") I dont respond in kind...although I REALLLLLY want to. I'm a strong man....but I am angry. And everyone has their breaking point.

HOW do I honor God and love her like Christ loves the church when she seems hell bent on rejecting ANY and EVERYTHING I do. And Places ALL blame on me. Her BAD behavior is only a result of reactions to what I have done wrong... No agency on her part.


There are so many details but I think this is getting to long. I want to please God. I want to love my wife the way that honors her and God. I hate that this is impeding our progress as a couple....but if I am missing something I want to fix it. God put me in charge and I know the buck stops here.....but how do you lead someone who refuses to follow and is upset at EVERY LITTLE THING??

I don't give personal advice on these threads because no one really knows the situation you're in and it would be impossible to know it.

But I'll say that the problem, as I see it, is lack of respect on your wife's part. She has no respect for you and once that's lost, it's almost impossible to get it back.

I'm sorry you have children or I'd think a separation would be in order. When there are children, THEY should be the primary concern.

You could stop thinking about being the head of the family in a faith-based sense...it's not going to happen.

You feel like you don't deserve this...
she feels like you do.

How to resolve?
If it were ME.....what I'D do is tell her that I understand she doesn't love me anymore and has no respect for me but for the sake of the children we should stay together till they're adults.

I'd request that she stop degrading you in front of the kids and also stop talking about your mother, since she is also a mother and will one day have to deal with this same problem ... except SHE will be the mother in law.

There's not much more you can do.
Love cannot be demanded.
Respect cannot be demanded.

Maybe she needs to hear from you that you acknowledge that there are problems and that you're on her side. Maybe she's the problem and has much resentment in her.

We on this thread will not know this.

 

[husbandreallytrying]

You need marriage counseling.

I know...lol.. But she's stopped talking to me this past week. Im willing..but if Im honest Im leary of it because typical christian marriage counseling ends up like..

Man = bad
Woman = good but only bad because of the man

therefore... man change everything to get rid of womans issues.

Im 46. I aint got time for that kind of counseling ... know what I mean? I need FAIR balls and strikes counseling.

 

[husbandreallytrying]

I don't give personal advice on these threads because no one really knows the situation you're in and it would be impossible to know it.

But I'll say that the problem, as I see it, is lack of respect on your wife's part. She has no respect for you and once that's lost, it's almost impossible to get it back.

I'm sorry you have children or I'd think a separation would be in order. When there are children, THEY should be the primary concern.

You could stop thinking about being the head of the family in a faith-based sense...it's not going to happen.

You feel like you don't deserve this...
she feels like you do.

How to resolve?
If it were ME.....what I'D do is tell her that I understand she doesn't love me anymore and has no respect for me but for the sake of the children we should stay together till they're adults.

I'd request that she stop degrading you in front of the kids and also stop talking about your mother, since she is also a mother and will one day have to deal with this same problem ... except SHE will be the mother in law.

There's not much more you can do.
Love cannot be demanded.
Respect cannot be demanded.

Maybe she needs to hear from you that you acknowledge that there are problems and that you're on her side. Maybe she's the problem and has much resentment in her.

We on this thread will not know this.

thanks. I have told her I am on her side. And we have come to these impasses before...but this time she seems to have turned a corner....I'm not sure. She wont divorce because she knows that there is no biblical grounds for it...

I will try again soon to let her know I am on her team. She does have alot of resentment. and it seems to spill out on the 15 year old. Great kid but just a 15 year old with 15 year old tendencies to drive adults crazy....lol. I dont know how to approach her without her getting mad and exploding and saying things that are so LOW BLOW that I react...

 

[Hazelelponi]

I know...lol.. But she's stopped talking to me this past week. Im willing..but if Im honest Im leary of it because typical christian marriage counseling ends up like..

Man = bad
Woman = good but only bad because of the man

therefore... man change everything to get rid of womans issues.

Im 46. I aint got time for that kind of counseling ... know what I mean? I need FAIR balls and strikes counseling.

Ask around and find a good counselor. It's not always "the man" and it's not always "the woman", usually it's a bit of both.

The problem is that once you lose respect and trust, which definitely seems lost, it's very difficult and requires serious commitment to get back.

She should never speak against you in front of the children - nor should you two disagree in front of them... parents need a united front in order to rear children, and any disagreements should be in private and away from the children's hearing.

What people don't think about is that every time they put a parent down, they are putting the child down...

That's the #1 thing that needs to change. Then, you both need to work on your interpersonal relationship.

If that means you have separate bedrooms for a time, then so be it.

I think you can ask around and find a good counselor... just stay away from the feminist types.

 

[husbandreallytrying]

yeah. I got a good link to a possible counselor here already. Gonna try that out. Im still committed as ever. and she has done ALOT to lose that respect I have for her....but LOVE is a choice. If I want to please God I CHOSE to love her. ISnt it supposed to be the same for respect> Being that in the same chapter Women are told to respect their husbands as the church does Jesus? Just like I am to love her unconditionally.....I dont see where her instructions to respect me have caveats.... am I tripping?

 

[GodsGrace101]

thanks. I have told her I am on her side. And we have come to these impasses before...but this time she seems to have turned a corner....I'm not sure. She wont divorce because she knows that there is no biblical grounds for it...

I will try again soon to let her know I am on her team. She does have alot of resentment. and it seems to spill out on the 15 year old. Great kid but just a 15 year old with 15 year old tendencies to drive adults crazy....lol. I dont know how to approach her without her getting mad and exploding and saying things that are so LOW BLOW that I react...

Try speaking to her as little as possible.

Women hate this:

• 

 

[Endeavourer]

Post your OP in marriagebuilders.com for consistent, productive, free Christian advice.

I would recommend that forum over a marriage counselor. Marriage counselors are traditionally of little help, and most people who go to them end up with failed marriages.

How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages : Marriage Builders, Inc.

 

[Hammster]

Hello,

My wife and I have seemed to come to an road block. I don't know what else to do. But Let me start by saying that this may take a little bit because no story occurs in a vacuum. I have been married for a little over 8 years. My wife is 12 years younger than me and came into the relationship with a son. We both are serious about our relationship with God. We understand fully that marriage is a commitment and covenant with God. At times That fact has been the only thing keeping HER in it.

First I will list her issues with me as she has laid them out many many many times.

She feels like I have failed her in EVERY way as a husband.
She believes I put others...especially my mom ahead of her.
She thinks that I havent accomplished anything in life worth talking about.
She thinks I have poor work ethic
She thinks I havent provided for her the security she needs in any way
She thinks I do not lead her nor the kids spiritually in any way
She thinks that I think i do no wrong.
She puts her father on a pedestal because they grew up wealthy



I feel like none of those issues she has with me are actually based in facts.

I pay for EVERYTHING we have. Nice apartment. Plenty of food. internet electric ...eating out money..etc everything.

However there were two times where things got really hard...financially...both times to where she and the boy had to live with her parents while I tried to get things back together for us. Which I did through Gods grace. During that time she expressed that she was supporting me and us all the way..Even though it was scary and rough we got through it...

come to find out that she is holding those hard times against me. Saying that I have amounted to nothing. That I have held her back and added nothing to her life. That I am worthless. Put a pin in that...

In my failure and humanity I have occasionally watched inappropriate content. In which she has found out and not let me live it down one bit. I've repented each time. I've tried to apologize to her to no avail. She continues to hold it against me.

And lastly she thinks that I put my mother before her. Not because I value my moms opinion over hers....I dont. Not bcause I like y moms cooking over hers....I dont. Not because I spend more time with my mom than her....I definitely dont. But because of a hand ful of incidents over a 8 year period that she deems as evidence. An example is the third time I got laid off I was on my way home and I called my mom to get advice on how to break it to my wife. When she found out that I called my mom first It was all she needed to go off. That was over 6 years ago. She STILL brings that up.

ANyway....I have tried to suck it up and take responsibility for ALL OF IT. but to no avail. Its almost like NOTHING will satisfy her anger. She regularly disrespects me in front of the boys. She regularly degrades me and says all manner of foul things to me. (she never was attracted to me, my mom has my "genitalia") I dont respond in kind...although I REALLLLLY want to. I'm a strong man....but I am angry. And everyone has their breaking point.

HOW do I honor God and love her like Christ loves the church when she seems hell bent on rejecting ANY and EVERYTHING I do. And Places ALL blame on me. Her BAD behavior is only a result of reactions to what I have done wrong... No agency on her part.


There are so many details but I think this is getting to long. I want to please God. I want to love my wife the way that honors her and God. I hate that this is impeding our progress as a couple....but if I am missing something I want to fix it. God put me in charge and I know the buck stops here.....but how do you lead someone who refuses to follow and is upset at EVERY LITTLE THING??

I will tell you the same thing I tell everyone in this situation. You need to go to your church leadership. They know you and love you. There’s no way for us to give you the advice you need.

 

[husbandreallytrying]

Post your OP in marriagebuilders.com for consistent, productive, free Christian advice.

I would recommend that forum over a marriage counselor. Marriage counselors are traditionally of little help, and most people who go to them end up with failed marriages.

How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages : Marriage Builders, Inc.

forgive my ignorance..... what is "OP"?

 

[Endeavourer]

No problem.

OP = Original Post

Sometimes it means Originator of the thread (original poster).

 

[Endeavourer]

I would not go to church leadership either.

Many marriages have been even greater damaged by church leaderships failed applications of a bunch of Bible-ish that has been misapplied and doesn't work. Both husbands and wives are greatly misunderstood and harmed.

I work with the abused spouse Christian communities and the stories of how church leadership exacerbated the problems are heart breaking. Often the abused spouse is the one who is thrown under the bus in the interest of 'ministering' to the abuser.

Some church leadership is safe, most is not. Several pastors who post in these threads provide safe advice to those being abused but most who claim to be ministers provide harsh, legalistic advice that hurts the marriage worse than it already is.

Abuse, btw, can be administered by both husbands and wives. Sometimes by just one or the other, sometimes by both. Sometimes one spouse responds to abuse with abuse.

From your description, abuse is a central dynamic of your marriage. Certainly by your wife. Marriagebuilders will help you get to the root of any responsibility you have in this - if any. Is she responding to your actions, or are her actions initiated by an entitlement of her own to gain at your expense?

 

[Hammster]

I would not go to church leadership either.

Many marriages have been even greater damaged by church leaderships failed applications of a bunch of Bible-ish that has been misapplied and doesn't work. Both husbands and wives are greatly misunderstood and harmed.

I work with the abused spouse Christian communities and the stories of how church leadership exacerbated the problems are heart breaking. Often the abused spouse is the one who is thrown under the bus in the interest of 'ministering' to the abuser.

Some church leadership is safe, most is not. Several pastors who post in these threads provide safe advice to those being abused but most who claim to be ministers provide harsh, legalistic advice that hurts the marriage worse than it already is.

Abuse, btw, can be administered by both husbands and wives. Sometimes by just one or the other, sometimes by both. Sometimes one spouse responds to abuse with abuse.

From your description, abuse is a central dynamic of your marriage. Certainly by your wife. Marriagebuilders will help you get to the root of any responsibility you have in this - if any. Is she responding to your actions, or are her actions initiated by an entitlement of her own to gain at your expense?

Then you are on your own and you will eventually find something that someone says which agrees with what you want to hear.

 

[Hazelelponi]

yeah. I got a good link to a possible counselor here already. Gonna try that out. Im still committed as ever. and she has done ALOT to lose that respect I have for her....but LOVE is a choice. If I want to please God I CHOSE to love her. ISnt it supposed to be the same for respect> Being that in the same chapter Women are told to respect their husbands as the church does Jesus? Just like I am to love her unconditionally.....I dont see where her instructions to respect me have caveats.... am I tripping?

No. If your generally a good husband and such then she should offer you the same love, respect as to Christ...

It does seem she is lacking in this area, but perhaps it's a reflection of how she sees herself too as she may be taking her own sense of inadequacy out on you....

These are things you both will have to work out in counseling though, you guys will never make it through this without outside help. You two need to be able to work through this together, and start listening to one another.

 

[Endeavourer]

Then you are on your own and you will eventually find something that someone says which agrees with what you want to hear.

Most pastors have little to no training on saving marriages.

I have unfortunately been involved in many situations where very bad advice from pastors caused grave harm. Women being sent back to physically abusive husbands because he is her "head". Women being told to "just" endure a smack and maintain an aura of submission to their husband while they are appealing to their husband to stop the abuse. (John Piper). Women being told that coming to the pastor for help is not being submissive, and being told the her husband's abuse of her is due to her not being submissive enough. When that doesn't work, the woman can be told that coming back to the pastor for more help is gossiping about her husband and she experiences church discipline for that. In some cases, ultimately the woman is excommunicated for not submitting to her husband.

Likewise, men have been told to love abusive wives unconditionally and suffer as Christ suffered for his church. That the buck stops with the man and he just needs to keep manning up with love better, which unfortunately creates a deepening and exacerbation of a cycle of abuse.

While broadly prevalent in our church communities, neither of these patterns of advice will resolve the problems of the marriage. They simply entrench them further until the victim of the abuse is so physically exhausted they have to get out of the marriage to save their health. In these cases, the spiritual condition of these precious souls are severely damaged and sometimes a life long journey is spent regaining their spiritual bearings. Many walk away from the faith altogether because their (mis)understanding of it is more than they can bear.

The best pastors have enough training to understand the limitations of their expertise and don't proceed beyond them. Which in the end, does not get very far down the road of marital counseling in abusive marriages.

 

[Hammster]

Most pastors have little to no training on saving marriages.

I’m talking about your pastor and if he can’t help you to both look at this through the gospel, then you need a new pastor.

 

[husbandreallytrying]

I would not go to church leadership either.

Many marriages have been even greater damaged by church leaderships failed applications of a bunch of Bible-ish that has been misapplied and doesn't work. Both husbands and wives are greatly misunderstood and harmed.

I work with the abused spouse Christian communities and the stories of how church leadership exacerbated the problems are heart breaking. Often the abused spouse is the one who is thrown under the bus in the interest of 'ministering' to the abuser.

Some church leadership is safe, most is not. Several pastors who post in these threads provide safe advice to those being abused but most who claim to be ministers provide harsh, legalistic advice that hurts the marriage worse than it already is.

Abuse, btw, can be administered by both husbands and wives. Sometimes by just one or the other, sometimes by both. Sometimes one spouse responds to abuse with abuse.

From your description, abuse is a central dynamic of your marriage. Certainly by your wife. Marriagebuilders will help you get to the root of any responsibility you have in this - if any. Is she responding to your actions, or are her actions initiated by an entitlement of her own to gain at your expense?

Well she has had a history of angry outbursts and being "hot headed" or passionate. She would verbally go off leaving damage in her wake....then after her episode is over....she would apologise and then expect me to be totally ok right away. Those outbursts have grown less and less over the years but her refusal to let go of past offenses is a real obstacle. So any little thing she percieves as an offense that happens CURRENTLY....she reaches back to ancient history and uses all of that as fue for her disrespect of me NOW. These are issues and offenses that some I agree with her and some I didnt. but I cant even remember all the details of the instances because they are in the past...like years in the past.

SO her actions are rarely on the surface initiated but its like she waits for any little trigger to happen....and then its defcon 5. If I showed you some of the texts Ive gotten from her!!!!

 

[husbandreallytrying]

Most pastors have little to no training on saving marriages.

I have unfortunately been involved in many situations where very bad advice from pastors caused grave harm. Women being sent back to physically abusive husbands because he is her "head". Women being told to "just" endure a smack and maintain an aura of submission to their husband while they are appealing to their husband to stop the abuse. (John Piper). Women being told that coming to the pastor for help is not being submissive, and being told the her husband's abuse of her is due to her not being submissive enough. When that doesn't work, the woman can be told that coming back to the pastor for more help is gossiping about her husband and she experiences church discipline for that. In some cases, ultimately the woman is excommunicated for not submitting to her husband.

Likewise, men have been told to love abusive wives unconditionally and suffer as Christ suffered for his church. That the buck stops with the man and he just needs to keep manning up with love better, which unfortunately creates a deepening and exacerbation of a cycle of abuse.

While broadly prevalent in our church communities, neither of these patterns of advice will resolve the problems of the marriage. They simply entrench them further until the victim of the abuse is so physically exhausted they have to get out of the marriage to save their health. In these cases, the spiritual condition of these precious souls are severely damaged and sometimes a life long journey is spent regaining their spiritual bearings. Many walk away from the faith altogether because their (mis)understanding of it is more than they can bear.

The best pastors have enough training to understand the limitations of their expertise and don't proceed beyond them. Which in the end, does not get very far down the road of marital counseling in abusive marriages.

This is so good. They mean well. And I have been in ministry long enough to know that what you are saying is TRUTH!! We attempted to go to counseling twice... and both times...within just an hour or so...it was determined that I was at fault. We hadnt even GOTTEN to what MY grievances were...lol

One of the women who was counseling us was seperated from HER husband ....by states!! I was like...if she cant make things work with her husband what makes her able to counsel us???

dont get me wrong....

I love my wife. Im angry with her at the moment....but I know there are emotional barriers she has because of abuse when she was a child. and because of past family dynamics she grew up in. She loves God. FOR SURE. and sometimes I think hormonal issues might be playing a part too....but DANG if it isnt hard not to retaliate...and defend myself. If I didnt have a good sense of who I was in Christ....Id have jumped off a bridge by now believeing her harsh words...lol

 

[mama2one]

.