Husband having baby with someone else

[eve000]

Hi everyone.

I'm posting here for advice and support as I'm a non-Christian/agnostic woman (30) who was in a relationship with a Christian man (36). We were together 12 years and married 8. Still legally married but I am in another relationship and he is in another country and just had a baby with a woman. We had no children. We have been separated 1 year and 5 months.

This will be a long explanation...

Husband became abusive in mid years of marriage and refused to work. I had to fully support us financially. Verbally abusive. Refused to have kids/said he'd rather die and would leave me if I got pregnant. Physically abusive - pushing, throwing me against things, progressed to punching. I cried and begged and nagged him for years for remorse, respect, change - he wouldn't change. I tried to follow his religion (Christianity) but he just used bible verses against me and wouldn't help me. I was always and still am Agnostic.

I developed feelings for a coworker/friend of 7 years. There was no cheating, including confessing feelings to each other or anything like that.

Abuse got gradually worse and led up to the punching. I cried and cried and begged until I just went numb and detached completely from my husband. Husband eventually got sick of my detachment and said he wanted a divorce. I agreed.

We separated and my co worker and I finally disclosed our feelings for each other after years of both feeling the same way and not knowing. We expressed interest in potentially beginning a relationship when the time is better, but he insisted that if I feel my marriage is worth saving, he will step back and continue being my friend, or stop contact if necessary. I told my husband that we had the conversation (to be honest, not to hurt him) and urged husband to move out. Ended up having to threaten to call police and myself/my mum gave him thousands of dollars to leave.

I entered very cautiously into a relationship with my coworker (dating, non physical.. then became physical when all contact with my husband stopped).

I agreed to go to Christian restoration counselling with my ex once, before becoming physically involved with my partner. I told the counsellor I have no desire to be with him due to abuse and lack if common goals. Husband cried and said he's ready to change and wants to work/buy a house/have kids. I disagreed and that was that.

Weeks later, my husband said he had a job and was living in a sharehouse (lies). Turned out he was living with my relatives secretly. They then kicked him out after 3 months. At this time, he met a woman at a job who he had unprotected sex with as soon as he met her. She got pregnant. He moved to her home country with her, as she was not originally from here. He did not organise any aspect of our divorce even though he was eager to divorce by that stage. So I've been organising the divorce.

He recently had his baby. He has known the mother 10 months now. They seem happy about it and his family is very proud of them.

So now I am feeling quite confused. I am thankful our marriage ended. But I can't make sense of why our marriage existed. If there is a God, I can't understand why He wanted us together in the first place, or if He wanted us together at all. I feel guilt, even though I know splitting was right. I feel rejected, even though I left him and don't love him. I feel used and like I was a 12 year stepping stone, crutch or pitstop of some kind for him. He believes everything is predestined no matter what he does, so that makes me feel like God was fine with me bring his pitstop, because his destiny of having a baby with this other woman was more important than 12 years of my life? That hurts me.

Even though I am in love with the man I've been with for a year and 4 months (known for 7 years), I also feel fear/Christian guilt about being in a rewarding, peaceful, loving relationship that I never thought was possible. My partner and I are not simpletons and we understand the concept of rebound relationships and have taken it slowly to avoid that and we were very aware that I'd have a lot of baggage. I'm also very aware of Christian views on divorce and adultery. I don't know where I stand with God if there is one.

So I am just left with some confusing emotions. I know I have no right to be hurt by my husband having a baby with a stranger because I got into a relationship first. It wouldn't bother me if he dated this woman and developed a relationship, at all. It's more about getting her pregnant and how he just had no respect for me during the marriage or in the divorce. It hurts that he can work for and have children with a stranger but a wife of 8 years appeared worthless.

Thank you.

 

[archer75]

Definitely talk to that psychologist.

This sounds extremely difficult and I wish you the best.

 

[Albion]

Indeed, it is difficult for us and complicated. But first, I don't know why you'd feel Christian remorse if you're not a Christian. Second, hubby wasn't much of a husband or a Christian. I think we can see that.

But as concerns Christian theology, it's a mistake to think that every last thing that happens in life--even important ones--is the result of God having scripted it. Mankind, we believe, was created good but (in Adam) turned his back on God such that we all are flawed creatures now. You'll feel somewhat better, I believe, if you do not torture yourself with the "Why did God do (or permit) ____" kind of thinking, common as it may be. We make mistakes and we get unlucky as well.

IF you were to come to the Lord (become a Christian), you would be signing onto a faith that says everything can go wrong BUT God forgives and will always give you a new start if you turn to him. I hope that that is what occurs. But if it does not, I nevertheless hope you will think in terms of making a new start, turning your life around.

Personally, I do not consider you to be under any moral obligation not to remarry or anything like that, based on your first marriage; and I think most Christian denominations would agree with that, given all the circumstances you described for us.

 

[pdudgeon]

Definitely talk to that psychologist.

This sounds extremely difficult and I wish you the best.

agreed. Also sounds like you may not have had any pre-marital counseling as well. there are a lot of things in the pre-marital time with your first husband that could have relevant bearing on whether or not the two of you were actually wed in God's eyes or not.
You didn't mentioned if your first husband was Protestant or Catholic, (because their understanding of what actually constitutes a marriage is different) but that in itself could also have a bearing in this case.

 

[musicalpilgrim]

I feel that you need to come to Jesus,

 

[paul1149]

Hi eve,
Bless you. You've been through a lot and I hope you find your way to peace and a happy vision for the future.

Your Ex occupied a major portion of your life, and his behavior and actions cut deeply. Don't be hard on yourself if you feel confusion or emotional conflict. It's par for the course and a sign you're dealing with reality. Take it a step at a time.

Your husband drilled false guilt deeply into you. He was a master manipulator, and though you're intelligent, he was able to have some effect over you and turn your own emotions against you to some extent. Go easy on yourself in this regard. With time, and seeking the truth, Light will seep in - pour in - and you will be free.

I want to tell you that God does not ordain evil for us. Your husband's believe that God runs everything, to the extent that we're not responsible, is completely false and unbiblical. It's a convenient way for man to delude himself and avoid responsibility and growing up.

Also, don't be fooled by the appearances of his new relationship. He obviously hasn't changed, and the day will come when the honeymoon wears off. Concentrate on yourself and on getting better.

The most important thing I want to say is that God loves you. The ugly reality of what you've experienced will try to obscure that point. But many of us here have been through some very ugly things in life, and the pain of them actually led us to search out and find the loving God who promises peace, and hope for the future, and to redeem whatever we have been though, no matter how bad it was. My fondest hope is that you do find Him.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.
You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes -Jer 29:11-14

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” -Matt 11:28-30

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. -John 3:16-17​

 

[Pappy&Me]

I think you have a right to feel cheated. But try not to let that feeling hang around too long. I'd feel cheated too this is not just a divorce it is taking what should have been yours and giving it to someone else. If I'm making sense?
Hope you get over this soon and have a happy life. And God will call you in His time not someone elses.

 

[eve000]

Thank you all very much for your replies.

I guess I do feel cheated, even though I technically left him and even though I did have feelings for someone else. I was not perfect in the marriage. In the first 2 years I didn't work and was a lazy wife, but in the last 5 years or so of the marriage I more than made up for it. I also retaliated to him and said horrible things at times and I have slapped him, kicked him once, thrashed in bed which resulted in my hand hurting his face, threw a cup at him. He put my life in danger with his violence though like punching until I couldn't breathe, etc. That doesn't justify any of my actions or retaliation but it was hard because he tried to convince me that my actions always justified his, even if my actions came after his. He also seemed to feel my feelings for another person justified some behaviour. He felt remorse when we ended and said he acted like a monster but he didn't care to say anything to me once he realised it was really over and took months to respond to emails about the divorce even though he wanted to divorce before his baby was due. For his sake, for not wanting to ever have to explain to his child that he was married to "someone else" when they were born. But he was married and that makes me the step mother to his child, which is ridiculous and hurtful to me considering he wouldn't entertain the idea of kids, or much of anything in life except wanting to be a musician. He named his child a musical term and something that means to completely finish something. Every little bit of it is hurtful for me. Not him being in a relationship, but the way he went into it, getting someone pregnant and running off. But he was convinced he's a changed man and that his relationship/baby are destined and has that "everything happens for a reason" attitude, which may be true but it's a lot to deal with in a year. Especially seeing his family show love for her and the baby. I was with him 12 years, gave him citizenship to this country (which is the only reason he was able to jet off to the other country with her), but I didn't seem to exist much to his family, I guess because I didn't have kids. I also never met his family (from USA) and I know the next painful thing will be when he takes them to meet them because he had empty promises about me, his wife, traveling there but it never happened like everything else. His mother called my family when I wanted to kick him out and begged them not to. I sent her a huge message online explaining what he did to me. No reply. I understand he's their family so they will continue to love him. But to have no recognition and feel labelled as the bad guy, then see them congratulating them and so proud is very hurtful. Because I'm the only one who married him and I'm the only one who knows big hidden sides of him, only partner who sacrificed for him for 12 years.

I guess on the outside it looks to some people like I dumped him and ran off with another man. That seems to make me non existent and irrelevant to him and his family. But I was not going back to him, even if myself and the other man (my partner now) didn't eventuate. I feel my husband forced me to leave him. I could of left 5 years prior but I waited and waited. I communicated my needs. I prayed. But I just couldn't wait anymore and I'd never trust him with anything or be able to love him, no matter what he said he suddenly felt ready for. He broke me and it was just done. But being broken is never easy and putting an end to the marriage doesn't erase what happened to me from 16-29 years old and it doesn't erase that only a year ago he was telling me I am the only one for him, but now he doesn't even respond to most of my email requests and completely ignored any stressed communication I made and questions I asked and kept it ultra professional as if we hadn't spoken for 20 years. I called him on the phone when I heard he was leaving the country and he kept calling me "man" and "dude" and using different slang (from her country) and it'd only been 3 months, it was such an empty conversation. I opened up to him as it would probably be the last conversation we ever had and he just made it obvious he was multitasking/talking to his partner/brushed everything off and acted like he's above the past. I understand it being easier to cut someone out of your heart when you know they're in love with another man. I cut him out of mine almost immediately. But what I can't just erase is my whole history of my adult life which heavily involved him. I wanted our marriage to work for a long time and I believed we'd never split up even though most of me wanted to. I was very glad to end the marriage but it was a very hard thing to do, it was like doing a degree and racking up 100k of government loan debt, investing so much time and effort and stress, then the college burns down and the degree gets made void, but then they let someone else just use all your hard work and skip them to the point you were up to, and get to finish off all your work and reap the benefits of it. It definitely does feel like he gave away what should have been mine, but I don't even want it, just sad it was so worthless that he could give it all to a then-stranger. Just made our relationship even more meaningless.

I am booking with a psychologist soon, to try and deal with this confusion.. I also have anxiety disorder/alcohol issues so I was booking for that anyway..

My husband was baptist Christian and then non denominational, I think.

I am Agnostic but never stopped praying. I was raised atheist/agnostic so I don't know how to believe in any of it (and have done the usual things they advise). So yeah I still have Christian guilt and I still have him in my head saying I'm not Christian and my sin will lead to death and I'm going to hell and I feel like he's given blessing because he's Christian (believes in God, is baptised etc) but he was raised in it so it's natural he will believe in it, with the typical rebellion period in his teens then going back to it.

Just very confused, hurt.. thankful that it's over, thankful (and scared and guilty) that I'm with a man I truly love and who loves me, with actions. But still hurt.

My husband and I never had pre marital counselling. He was also eager to have unprotected sex before marriage (without me being on contraception) but I made sure to be on contraception first. If I had if been more stupid I probably would have been pregnant at 18.

 

[UnderPar]

Hi everyone.

I'm posting here for advice and support as I'm a non-Christian/agnostic woman (30) who was in a relationship with a Christian man (36). We were together 12 years and married 8. Still legally married but I am in another relationship and he is in another country and just had a baby with a woman. We had no children. We have been separated 1 year and 5 months.

This will be a long explanation...

Husband became abusive in mid years of marriage and refused to work. I had to fully support us financially. Verbally abusive. Refused to have kids/said he'd rather die and would leave me if I got pregnant. Physically abusive - pushing, throwing me against things, progressed to punching. I cried and begged and nagged him for years for remorse, respect, change - he wouldn't change. I tried to follow his religion (Christianity) but he just used bible verses against me and wouldn't help me. I was always and still am Agnostic.

I developed feelings for a coworker/friend of 7 years. There was no cheating, including confessing feelings to each other or anything like that.

Abuse got gradually worse and led up to the punching. I cried and cried and begged until I just went numb and detached completely from my husband. Husband eventually got sick of my detachment and said he wanted a divorce. I agreed.

We separated and my co worker and I finally disclosed our feelings for each other after years of both feeling the same way and not knowing. We expressed interest in potentially beginning a relationship when the time is better, but he insisted that if I feel my marriage is worth saving, he will step back and continue being my friend, or stop contact if necessary. I told my husband that we had the conversation (to be honest, not to hurt him) and urged husband to move out. Ended up having to threaten to call police and myself/my mum gave him thousands of dollars to leave.

I entered very cautiously into a relationship with my coworker (dating, non physical.. then became physical when all contact with my husband stopped).

I agreed to go to Christian restoration counselling with my ex once, before becoming physically involved with my partner. I told the counsellor I have no desire to be with him due to abuse and lack if common goals. Husband cried and said he's ready to change and wants to work/buy a house/have kids. I disagreed and that was that.

Weeks later, my husband said he had a job and was living in a sharehouse (lies). Turned out he was living with my relatives secretly. They then kicked him out after 3 months. At this time, he met a woman at a job who he had unprotected sex with as soon as he met her. She got pregnant. He moved to her home country with her, as she was not originally from here. He did not organise any aspect of our divorce even though he was eager to divorce by that stage. So I've been organising the divorce.

He recently had his baby. He has known the mother 10 months now. They seem happy about it and his family is very proud of them.

So now I am feeling quite confused. I am thankful our marriage ended. But I can't make sense of why our marriage existed. If there is a God, I can't understand why He wanted us together in the first place, or if He wanted us together at all. I feel guilt, even though I know splitting was right. I feel rejected, even though I left him and don't love him. I feel used and like I was a 12 year stepping stone, crutch or pitstop of some kind for him. He believes everything is predestined no matter what he does, so that makes me feel like God was fine with me bring his pitstop, because his destiny of having a baby with this other woman was more important than 12 years of my life? That hurts me.

Even though I am in love with the man I've been with for a year and 4 months (known for 7 years), I also feel fear/Christian guilt about being in a rewarding, peaceful, loving relationship that I never thought was possible. My partner and I are not simpletons and we understand the concept of rebound relationships and have taken it slowly to avoid that and we were very aware that I'd have a lot of baggage. I'm also very aware of Christian views on divorce and adultery. I don't know where I stand with God if there is one.

So I am just left with some confusing emotions. I know I have no right to be hurt by my husband having a baby with a stranger because I got into a relationship first. It wouldn't bother me if he dated this woman and developed a relationship, at all. It's more about getting her pregnant and how he just had no respect for me during the marriage or in the divorce. It hurts that he can work for and have children with a stranger but a wife of 8 years appeared worthless.

Thank you.

You can only be one zero.

A zero is someone who is finished with thinking good or evil about others.

The world is made up, mostly of humans who refuse to learn this. It is why all these horrible events have shaped your life. I can show you the path, but it will not be easy.

 

[macek]

Sister, my heart goes out to you. You were in a abusive marriage and that weighs heavy on you, your spirit is drained and tired from the abuse and disrespect. But now you are free from him and have a new start before you. Take some time to heal and rest your heart.

Sister, your ex husband has shown he wasn't much of a christian as no christian would use the words of Christ to berate and put down other people. Your ex husband should never have said something like that. Jesus commanded us who follow Him to love God and our brothers and sisters, so who gets saved and blessed is not for your ex-husband to say. So pay no heed to what your ex said on the matter.

Sister, i do not want to compound on your problems, but i feel you need some fellowship and comfort right now. I would suggest to you that beside visiting counselor you also consider visiting a local church and tell the pastor/priest your story that you are in need of some fellowship and prayers. You don't need to join if you don't want to, but the atmosphere there could help you. Jesus loves you, sister. I pray that one day you will open your heart to Him and invite Him to dwell in you. I hope you get well and your heart heals and you are able to love again and find it in your heart to forgive your ex husband. I know its a tall order but let him go and heal your heart.

God bless you, sister in Jesus name. Amen.

 

[JCFantasy23]

It sounds like a painful and draining experience - I understand you feel hurt now but I am glad you are not tied to that man through children, both for your sake and for theirs. I do hope you find God for your personal faith, but you have a fresh start here with another man and can leave the abusive husband behind you and make a new future that is positive and without abuse. Use this chance to keep growing for yourself and for others.