husband has been divorced and remarried me and now wants to contact ex wife

[super mom]

my husband has recently found the mennonite faith (not much differnet from amish, and stricter then mordern day christianity) and the bishop there is telling my husband he needs to find out if his ex wife is still alive so that way he will know if he is living an adulterous marriage with me. we have been married for 8 years almost 9 and have 3 kids together they were married i think 3 years and no kids together when he divorced her he was a christian being taught false docterine about divorce and remarriage she was not a believer he left her in arizona with her mom and moved back to utah where i met him a few years later and we were married 7 months later. i am lost as to why he would want to contact her i mean if shes still alive what is he going to do divorce me and remarry her as she was his first wife and i am the second. if shes dead he says then hes free to remarry but wont give me a straight answer i asked him if its Gods will for you to remarry her will you remarry that crazy woman that beat the crap out of you and took your business for drugs? he said he wants to be married to me but.... and thats where i shut myself out from the whole thing im lost i dont know what to do i dont know what to ask for by posting this. we just reconcilied our marriage in may of this year

 

[super mom]

sitting here tonigh t after the kids went to bed talking about all this and he says he is wrestling with this marriage and if its even valid in the eyes of God. am i wrong for not wanting to be physically intimate with him till he finds his ex wife alive or dead i dont want to divorce him but if he wants to divorce i dont know what im going to do.

 

[americanvet]

Sister I am not qualified to answer. However I do feel for you and will pray. I am sorry.

 

[super mom]

we have my/therapist coming by tomorrow and i have just sat down and wrote out things that are bothering me and things that i feel. i dont plan on talking at the appointment because i wont get in a word edge wise as he(husband) wont stop talking long enough for me to talk

 

[super mom]

he said hurtful things to me and made me feel really stupid and inadaquate. i have fibromyalgia so at times i get forgetful and lose track of times that we are suppose to be doing something and he said something that really hurt me. i went in the bathroom and cried so hard till he came in and started in on me there too

 

[Hetta]

Wow. I think that your husband needs to "lose" the Mennonite faith as quickly as he found it. It is sheer nonsense for any preacher, at any time, to try to persuade a spouse that he or she needs to somehow 'cancel' a marriage and take back the first spouse.

Supermom, I am sorry, but it sounds to me like that he wants out and has "found" this faith so that he can achieve that. You said you just reconciled a couple of months ago. Can I ask why you separated? Was it on your side or his? There should be no "buts" ("I want to be married to you BUT ..").

Just makes me so darn angry when people pretend that God is served by divorce and heartbroken kids.

 

[super mom]

we had differences that we could not get past, we both started hurting each other i was left with everything while he hid in our bedroom sleeping all day cuz he stayed up all night playing video games. i had a miscarriage and he wasnt there for me thru it my sister held my hand as the baby passed. he came back a different more family oriented person he wont play video games at all he is trying to find work but our van is down

 

[ValleyGal]

I am Mennonite, and this is not how we believe. There is a verse (Deut. 24) that talks about this. It is law for Israel, so I would think it sort of matters...if he is married to you, he can't go back to his first wife - this is "detestable in the eyes of the Lord."

Argument can be made that we are not under OT law (especially because we are not Jewish), but I still think those laws were given for a reason. Nowhere in the NT does it talk about this. It does say that if you are divorced and you marry someone else, it is not sin - See 1 Cor 7.

Mennonites believe that any legal marriage is valid. I married husbands 2 and 3 in the Mennonite church.

 

[super mom]

there is a mennonite/amish publication on divorce and remarriage.... and what it states in there is there no way out of a marraige and for the couple who divorces to remani singel so that way if there is a change of heart there can be a reconciliation

 

[ValleyGal]

Maybe it's a different sect of Mennonites, then. He was not a practicing Mennonite when he got divorced or married to you. Two of what they think is wrong does not make a right.

I just looked up the works of Menno Simons on divorce. Your husband's church has it wrong. You might want to read this page:
MENNO SIMONS, Complete Works (Part 1): Teachings on Divorce | Trudy Metzger's Blog

If he wants to get technical about it, show him the page. Him being married to someone else, and I daresay his ex having been sexual with others since their divorce, frees them both to be with whoever they want....so your husband says he wants to be with you, and that is what Mennonites believe is the case. He is married to you. Period.

But having said that and iirc it was you whose previous posts I read - I wonder if your husband is simply looking for an excuse to leave the marriage in a way that will be less devastating than if he simply wants a divorce. I think the two of you should go and talk with his pastor and all should be totally honest. If you do, prepare yourself by knowing the writings of Menno Simons - but more importantly, know the word of God and what it says on the matter. A thorough study will show that your marriage is completely valid and you are not in a constant state of sin.

 

[MountainBluebird]

Back when I was dating my husband, who was divorced, I asked my former pastor about whether it was acceptable for me to date him. He believed that my husband should return to his ex-wife, even though she wasn't a believer and had initiated the divorce. He felt my husband was bound to her in some way for the rest of his life, making it wrong for him to marry anyone else. He wasn't a Mennonite. Thankfully our church was in the process of finding a new pastor, and we were happily married in my church, with our new pastor's full approval.

 

[super mom]

after hearing all the stuff he has said about this matter i asked our marriage counselor and he says it sounds like he is trying to have a way out in case things dont work between us

 

[SouthernMama]

I don't know you or your situation, or what type of Mennonites that your husband has met. However, I will explain a bit how the conservative Mennonites view divorce and remarriage. Based on scriptures like Matt. 5:32, Matt. 19:9, Mark 10:11, 12, I Cor. 7:11...God joins two people in marriage for life. Divorce is not God's plan. Being married to a second person while your first spouse is living is considered adultery. If you choose to divorce due to infidelity or abuse (for example), you are to remain unmarried (1 Cor. 7) or else reconcile to your first spouse. A person who is living with a second spouse is living in adultery and the way to end the adultery is to end the marriage, hence the clause, "saving for fornication." Your husband may be looking for a way out, or he may be truly trying to find his way in obedience to Christ. I don't know. I just wanted to give you a perspective of what the Mennonites believe. Above all, don't just trust a religion, study the scripture and pray that God would reveal His truth to you, what ever it may be.

 

[ValleyGal]

SouthernMama, that must be a very different sect of the Mennonites. I am also Mennonite, and that is not even close to what we believe, and we believe our doctrine is based on scripture - and we have biblical studies for this. We do not advocate divorce, but we recognize that there are biblical concessions for it, and that anyone who is divorce is certainly free to marry someone else - but then they are not to go back to their first spouse.

 

[SouthernMama]

If "anyone who is divorced is free to marry someone else" then when is remarriage ever a sin?

 

[ValleyGal]

It isn't. It is sin to marry someone else if you are not yet divorced. First Cor. 7 talks about this, and the whole subject requires a good look at divorce in context of history (even God divorced Israel, so divorce in itself is not a sin, but the behaviours leading to divorce are sin), as well as in language/translation. Often, not always, throughout the NT, the Greek word apoluo has been translated as "divorce" but it actually is better translated as "separation without the benefit of divorce." Where the NT talks about remarriage, it is using the word apoluo to refer to divorce.

For example, when Jesus tells the Pharisees that if anyone does divorce, he must not marry, he is not really saying that - he is saying that if anyone is separated (but still legally married), he must not remarry unless he returns to his spouse - because they are still his spouse.

In 1 Cor. 7 should be studied deeply in context, but this is v. 28
But if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned.

Paul is talking about those who have been "loosed from a wife" - divorced.

 

[SouthernMama]

So Jesus doesn't really mean what he says....Got it.

 

[ValleyGal]

Of course he means what he says - but remember he said it in Greek, not English. The Greek word he used was apoluo - meaning separated, not divorced. He absolutely meant it when he said that separated people should not marry - because they are still married. He never said that divorced people can't marry someone else.

 

[SouthernMama]

If you were to search writings of church leaders from the 1st and 2nd century after Christ, you would see that they understood Jesus to be saying that a person was not permitted to marry another individual while their first spouse was alive. Divorce is acceptable in some cases, but remarriage was forbidden.

 

[SouthernMama]

Matt. 19:
1 And it came to pass, that when Jesus had finished these sayings, he departed from Galilee, and came into the coasts of Judaea beyond Jordan;

2 And great multitudes followed him; and he healed them there.

3 The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?

4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,

5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?

8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

10 His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.

11 But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.

12 For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.