Husband Friends with Ex

[DZoolander]

Fair enough.

I had missed the part about it being in relation to inviting them over to a birthday party for her one year old. If that's the impetus then yeah, I agree.

Maybe it's just time for clarification on what you're comfortable with. You're comfortable with her having contact and relations with the 10 year old child, but you're not looking to become chummy chummy to the point where you're going to be attending birthday parties for her kids/etc.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

From where I sit, we are talking about the mother-figure this child has known for most of the child’s life. The woman is remarried with a baby, and OP says the relationship she has with her husband is great and there is no feelings on either side for the other. There are no trust issues and he has decided to keep the ex involved, wisely, and she has accepted.

Now she has a child who’s having a birthday, a child who will be raised closely with the stepchild, and somebody who’s clearly important to this mother figure of the child. She had invited the child she helped raise for more than half the child’s life, the child’s father, and the child’s new wife (OP) to the party.

I’m really not seeing where the problem is here.

I see two adults being mature about the effects of a breakup on a child who lost their only mother figure until OP came in the picture, and while the OP is insecure about it (which is understandable), she is handling her insecurity in the wrong way. If she was really nervous, go to the party, bring the child, meet the family, and see that shared parenting responsibilities across two households is not in and of itself an attack on the new relationship, but a support for the child who had attachments in both households.

My husband’s ex used to invite us and our child to birthday parties for my stepkids, it had nothing to do with secret feelings between the adults, it had to do with loving the kids enough to put the dumb grownup stuff aside for the comfort and security of the kids. We also used to have dinner together, meet at the playgrounds for everybody to play, and stuff like that. For Halloween this year, I invited his ex and her new boyfriend and their shared child, why? Because we had the kids for Halloween and I wanted them and their child to feel like they are a part of the kid’s holiday without needing to choose sides. For their child’s birthday, I’ll send a gift. Why? Because that child is my stepkid’s sibling and an important part of their lives. I want to make sure that the kids see I acknowledge that and I celebrate that bond like they do. Same reason I’ll give the a Christmas gift to their sibling, stepfather, their mother, and their mother’s parents.

You have to decide, when you’re part of a family like this, do you want to be a paranoid warden who goes on the defensive whenever somebody vital to your stepchild comes into their life? Or do you want to accept that a whole life happened before you came along, and that includes a child, and for the health of the child and the marriage you will have to accept that your parenting team is made of two households. If you walk into this and lay down the “her or me” law, you will only do two things... Alienate your husband and make him feel you don’t trust him and hurt the child. He will start keeping from you when he talks to this woman who’s a part of his child’s life. Then your paranoia will really be a mess.

If the invite was for him and the child only and specifically excluded you, that would be one thing, but that’s not the case. I say go, have fun, let the child enjoy time with the child of the ex, and see for yourself that everybody has moved on from this relationship but still has the health of the kids in the forefront. IE, they’re behaving like rational, mature adults.

 

[Almost there]

From where I sit, we are talking about the mother-figure this child has known for most of the child’s life. The woman is remarried with a baby, and OP says the relationship she has with her husband is great and there is no feelings on either side for the other. There are no trust issues and he has decided to keep the ex involved, wisely, and she has accepted.

Now she has a child who’s having a birthday, a child who will be raised closely with the stepchild, and somebody who’s clearly important to this mother figure of the child. She had invited the child she helped raise for more than half the child’s life, the child’s father, and the child’s new wife (OP) to the party.

I’m really not seeing where the problem is here.

I see two adults being mature about the effects of a breakup on a child who lost their only mother figure until OP came in the picture, and while the OP is insecure about it (which is understandable), she is handling her insecurity in the wrong way. If she was really nervous, go to the party, bring the child, meet the family, and see that shared parenting responsibilities across two households is not in and of itself an attack on the new relationship, but a support for the child who had attachments in both households.

My husband’s ex used to invite us and our child to birthday parties for my stepkids, it had nothing to do with secret feelings between the adults, it had to do with loving the kids enough to put the dumb grownup stuff aside for the comfort and security of the kids. We also used to have dinner together, meet at the playgrounds for everybody to play, and stuff like that. For Halloween this year, I invited his ex and her new boyfriend and their shared child, why? Because we had the kids for Halloween and I wanted them and their child to feel like they are a part of the kid’s holiday without needing to choose sides. For their child’s birthday, I’ll send a gift. Why? Because that child is my stepkid’s sibling and an important part of their lives. I want to make sure that the kids see I acknowledge that and I celebrate that bond like they do. Same reason I’ll give the a Christmas gift to their sibling, stepfather, their mother, and their mother’s parents.

You have to decide, when you’re part of a family like this, do you want to be a paranoid warden who goes on the defensive whenever somebody vital to your stepchild comes into their life? Or do you want to accept that a whole life happened before you came along, and that includes a child, and for the health of the child and the marriage you will have to accept that your parenting team is made of two households. If you walk into this and lay down the “her or me” law, you will only do two things... Alienate your husband and make him feel you don’t trust him and hurt the child. He will start keeping from you when he talks to this woman who’s a part of his child’s life. Then your paranoia will really be a mess.

If the invite was for him and the child only and specifically excluded you, that would be one thing, but that’s not the case. I say go, have fun, let the child enjoy time with the child of the ex, and see for yourself that everybody has moved on from this relationship but still has the health of the kids in the forefront. IE, they’re behaving like rational, mature adults.

When my wife of 20 years decided she didn't want to be married any more, and I met the love of my life afterward and never looked back, I cut off, at the root, all relationships with my two Nephews and seven nieces as well as all of their parents on my ex's side of the family. It was necessary. This is one reason divorce, like war, is a thing to be avoided. I have a new family now, with its own relatives.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Which is all well and good if you’re able to do so... I have an ex husband and I have no idea where he or his family are and I haven’t spoken to them in almost a decade.

But we had no kids together and I have the luxury of being able to make that choice.

Where there are children involved, as with the OP, that’s not realistic or healthy. You will be intertwined most likely for the whole of the rest of your lives. You can either have a marriage where you accept it by supporting your spouse and work with the two households for the sake of the child, or you can have a prison and you act as the warden, disallowing all contact for your own comfort, punishing your spouse for their life before you, and hurting the emotional well-being of a child by depriving them of a parent.

In this situation, both parties have clearly moved on, the terms between households are friendly... Why is peace interpreted as an attack and the solution to be confrontational and disruptive? Most people would kill for friendly terms between the two households. It’s a gift, not a problem.

 

[Almost there]

Which is all well and good if you’re able to do so... I have an ex husband and I have no idea where he or his family are and I haven’t spoken to them in almost a decade.

But where there are children involved, as with the OP, that’s not realistic or healthy. You will be intertwined most likely for the whole of the rest of your lives. You can either have a marriage, where you accept it by supporting your spouse and work with the two households for the sake of the child, or you can have a prison and you act as the warden, disallowing all contact for your own comfort, punishing your spouse for their life before you, and hurting the emotional well-being of a child by depriving them of a parent.

There are actually two children involved in the OP story. There is the one that, yes, the ex is tied to almost as if she were the mother. It would be reasonable to allow her to stay involved, if only for the child's sake. But nothing else in her life, including any other children she bears, should have any relevance to the family of the woman in the OP.

Just my opinion about it.

 

[snoochface]

How does a child stay involved with a parental figure 1) without said child's parent(s) being present, and 2) without getting to know the parental figure's other children? Is she supposed to leave her one year old at home and take the ten year old out alone without the other adults?

The logistics and reality of this situation are getting buried under paranoia and fantasy idealism.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

The child has no relevance to her, but it does have relevance to her stepchild. And re-reading her post, the stepchild was invited and is attending, so it only makes sense she and her husband were invited too. Not only is that proper etiquette, it’s what 99.9% of kids party invites are. The invites for kids parties are for the kids and by extension the parents, not the parents and “oh yeah bring the kids.” First off, the number of parents who feel comfortable being told to bring their kids and leave them at somebody else’s house with 10-20 other kids for an afternoon of insanity are few and far between. Secondly, the number of party hosts who want to be alone with 10-20 Kids for an afternoon are even fewer. Thirdly, the kids themselves may not know all of everybody besides the host and their child, who will be very busy. Having a parent there helps them feel like they have another person they know at the party.

Having 3 kids, I get about a billion kids party invites. I think ones that we’ve gotten for the kids without an “adults invited too” notation I could count on one hand. This woman is just doing what’s proper etiquette for kids parties.

 

[Almost there]

How does a child stay involved with a parental figure 1) without said child's parent(s) being present, and 2) without getting to know the parental figure's other children? Is she supposed to leave her one year old at home and take the ten year old out alone without the other adults?

The logistics and reality of this situation are getting buried under paranoia and fantasy idealism.

I would need to create a hierarchical flow chart to clearly explain my take on this. But let me just say that, yes, of course she can take both children out together, as far as I'm concerned. In fact, when my ex wife dumped me, if she had gotten remarried and had children, I'd expect her to have taken both "our" children and "her" children to events together and pal around like brothers and sisters. But my wife and I would not have been a part of such events. I don't consider it appropriate for my wife. And lets be clear: The kids' feelings matter, but so do my wife's. And she is the one to whom I gave my life. My kids will eventually move out (they are all over 30 now and HAVE moved out).

 

[Almost there]

The child has no relevance to her, but it does have relevance to her stepchild. And re-reading her post, the stepchild was invited and is attending, so it only makes sense she and her husband were invited too.

I could be wrong, but I believe this was not a "standard party invite", but, rather, a personal phone call to the husband.

 

[Endeavourer]

If the godmother is a mother figure to the boy, set up a visitation schedule. The OP's husband does not need to participate in the godmother's relationship to the boy anymore than he would if the godmother were the boy's mother.

However, I rank a godmother relationship FAR below the value of the boy having an intact home. Aunts, uncles and grandparents sometimes live in different states and don't get to see their blood related babies very often. So this hue and cry about a godmother being a high priority for the marriage is, frankly, ridiculous.

When it's not your ox being gored, it's easy to give out bad advice scolding and "should"-ing the OP into living in a 'happy" trio with her husband and his Ex. There is no reason why her husband needs to continue building a relationship with his Ex concerning her one year old, or any other conditions of her life.

If it were me, I'd either set up visitation times with the boy and the godmother, or start weaning their lives apart. Watching her husband hanging on like this is an insult to her and a danger to her marriage.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I could be wrong, but I believe this was not a "standard party invite", but, rather, a personal phone call to the husband.

Which would still mean that the same rules apply... Any invite to a child, by extension, includes the child’s parents.

 

[Almost there]

Which would still mean that the same rules apply... Any invite to a child, by extension, includes the child’s parents.

Yes, but a phone call is more personal.

 

[Endeavourer]

@Tropical Wilds -> the invite for a b-day party for the Ex's one year old son was delivered during a private conversation between the ex and the husband.

You are giving gut reaction advice without studying the details, and it is resulting in you giving bad advice.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

If the godmother is a mother figure to the boy, set up a visitation schedule. The OP's husband does not need to participate in the godmother's relationship to the boy anymore than he would if the godmother were the boy's mother.

However, I rank a godmother relationship FAR below the value of the boy having an intact home. Aunts, uncles and grandparents sometimes live in different states and don't get to see their blood related babies very often. So this hue and cry about a godmother being a high priority for the marriage is, frankly, ridiculous.

When it's not your ox being gored, it's easy to give out bad advice scolding and "should"-ing the OP into living in a 'happy" trio with her husband and his Ex. There is no reason why her husband needs to continue building a relationship with his Ex concerning her one year old, or any other conditions of her life.

If it were me, I'd either set up visitation times with the boy and the godmother, or start weaning their lives apart. Watching her husband hanging on like this is an insult to her and a danger to her marriage.

Godmother is the de facto title bestowed on the woman post-breakup after being the child’s primary maternal figure for more than half a decade. The reality is that the child’s attachment to the woman is the same as one would have to a parent.

You are right, that when it’s not your life, it’s easy to give advice, and I’m seeing a lot of people who don’t live this dynamic or have any clue about how it works telling her to take peaceful relations among adults and burn them to the ground simply to see if her husband “does the right thing” and chooses her. That’s not how this works. As somebody who has stepchildren shared across two households, I know how vital it is to keep the kids relationships supported. I also know how hard it is. I also know doing so isn’t a husband “hanging on” to an ex, but an adult parent acknowledging what is best for the child and helping to facilitate that. And I know for a fact that good relations between the houses is to be worked for, not undermined. It’s a gift, not an attack.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Yes, but a phone call is more personal.

I’m not seeing where she said it was a phone call, though even if it was, who cares? They have a friendly coparenting relationship, a phone call is no big deal.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

@Tropical Wilds -> the invite for a b-day party for the Ex's one year old son was delivered during a private conversation between the ex and the husband.

You are giving gut reaction advice without studying the details, and it is resulting in you giving bad advice.

So? She said they have a good marriage, the woman has never done anything to her, and she agreed that they can talk about the child. Clearly inviting the family to a party that the stepchild is invited to and is actually attending falls right into that.

And I’m giving advice from the point of view of somebody who has kids shared between two households and has for almost 10 years.

Tell me, how long have you been coparenting kids across two households with your spouse and their ex?

 

[MarieMarie89]

The communication about this birthday party for the ex's baby is far outside of your agreement. It also indicates your husband is meeting some emotional needs of hers since she wants him to share a very personal event.

Why would an adult want to go to a 1 year old's party? I **love** children but could not imagine taking time to go to an unrelated 1 year old's party just for fun, likely with a bunch of people I didn't know.

That your husband wanted to go to such an event enough to ask you to come too indicates some level of cake eating going on.

I'm glad you are seeing that this is well into the danger zone.

Thank you