Husband Friends with Ex

[MarieMarie89]

Ok, I searched online for a christian chat site because i really want Christian/Biblical advice only. I am recently married and my husband and I have a great relationship. I truly feel blessed to have him. We both have had previous relationships but are only 28 and have never been married before. we talk about everything and have a good foundation. Ok, so things would be PERFECT ( i know this doesn't exist) if we/I didn't have this one issue.

( gonna make this as short a possible) His ex of six years who he was very in love with are still friends-well they were when we met. He has a 10 year old son and the sons mother is not very involved in the child's life and the ex was there for the son a lot. Now that he and the ex are not together ( broke up about three years ago) she is still involved with the son and is the Godmother. The ex is also married now and has a 1 year old. My husband says he is no longer in love with the ex and has no feelings for her but wants to remain friends. We have had discussions about this b/c in my life experiences i don't see the point since they are no longer together. However, before we got married we both decided/compromised that he would still be in contact with her as she is an important person in my step sons life and I would not want to interfere with that. We agreed that he would only communicate with her in reference to her and my step son. This was very difficult for me at first but i felt it was fair and right to do.

Let me say this briefly. She has never been disrespectful towards me or said anything out of line. I thought we had settled everything with this issues however he tells me yesterday that she has invited us to her sons 1st bday party. I was very confused why my husband would even ask/tell me this when he knows how I feel about this. I understand the son going but theres no need for us/him to go. He became upset when I told him no I was not going and I didn't want him to go either. Later we discussed more and this morning he apologized for how he reacted and stated he just wont go to any of her events.

My issues: I do know that he loves me and I mean a lot to him. However, im torn over this issues and don't want him to later become regretful, resentful, or upset. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels just don't know how to compromise even more without me feeling like im going against my feelings/beliefs and him feeling the same. Any suggestions?
THANKS!

 

[Jane_Doe]

From the sound of it this woman has been kind, respectful, and a great godmother to your stepson. She herself has moved on and has a new relationship and son herself. She invited your family over for baby's birthday party. That's all good. Go as a family and have a nice time with her family.

This isn't about her trying to date your husband- she's moved on, as has your husband too. It's about the kids and family time in the present. Go have a good time and live in the present.

 

[snoochface]

The way I understand things:

You trust him. He's not given you reason not to trust him, right?
He's open and honest with you about his communications with her.
She is respectful toward you and your marriage.
She includes you in the invitation and is not trying to get him to come alone.
They broke up 3 years ago.
They are both married to other people.
She is involved with his son, has been a mother figure to him, and is his godmother.
Your marriage is "perfect" otherwise.

If these things are true, I fail to see why you would have a problem with him remaining in contact with her, and keeping things friendly between them. You trust him, yes? She's not trying to come between you. She is inviting you, your husband, and his son - her Godson - to have a familial relationship with her family and people who will become important in your son's life.

Why would you have a problem with this? It doesn't sound like there is anything suspicious or dangerous at all going on. If something changes down the line and you feel like things are crossing a line, or you are being excluded, then re-evaluate, but the way you present things, nothing at all like that is going on. I don't see a threat here.

If you are having insecurities that seem unwarranted (and by the account you've provided here, it seems that they are) then that's something you probably need to address. But I don't see unwarranted insecurities as a valid reason to not have respectful interactions with a woman who is no longer meaningful to your husband except as far as she relates to his son, who she is meaningful to. That seems unnecessarily punitive.

 

[MarieMarie89]

From the sound of it this woman has been kind, respectful, and a great godmother to your stepson. She herself has moved on and has a new relationship and son herself. She invited your family over for baby's birthday party. That's all good. Go as a family and have a nice time with her family.

This isn't about her trying to date your husband- she's moved on, as has your husband too. It's about the kids and family time in the present. Go have a good time and live in the present.

Thank you

 

[MarieMarie89]

The way I understand things:

You trust him. He's not given you reason not to trust him, right?
He's open and honest with you about his communications with her.
She is respectful toward you and your marriage.
She includes you in the invitation and is not trying to get him to come alone.
They broke up 3 years ago.
They are both married to other people.
She is involved with his son, has been a mother figure to him, and is his godmother.
Your marriage is "perfect" otherwise.

If these things are true, I fail to see why you would have a problem with him remaining in contact with her, and keeping things friendly between them. You trust him, yes? She's not trying to come between you. She is inviting you, your husband, and his son - her Godson - to have a familial relationship with her family and people who will become important in your son's life.

Why would you have a problem with this? It doesn't sound like there is anything suspicious or dangerous at all going on. If something changes down the line and you feel like things are crossing a line, or you are being excluded, then re-evaluate, but the way you present things, nothing at all like that is going on. I don't see a threat here.

If you are having insecurities that seem unwarranted (and by the account you've provided here, it seems that they are) then that's something you probably need to address. But I don't see unwarranted insecurities as a valid reason to not have respectful interactions with a woman who is no longer meaningful to your husband except as far as she relates to his son, who she is meaningful to. That seems unnecessarily punitive.

Sometimes I cant always "see" things the way i need to. I will be honest and say that I guess its just a fear that maybe he still has feelings for her even though I don't have any real evidence for this. Thank you. I will continue to pray on this.

 

[Endeavourer]

Here is a great article on this topic, from one of the top infidelity experts in the country.

Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

If the opposite sex friends have at one time been lovers, the risk is beyond unacceptable to any marriage.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Sometimes I cant always "see" things the way i need to. I will be honest and say that I guess its just a fear that maybe he still has feelings for her even though I don't have any real evidence for this. Thank you. I will continue to pray on this.

In my experience, seeing her in her new life and getting to know her as she is now helps. Get to know her as a happily married mom with a cute 1 year old.

 

[Endeavourer]

Oops, this was the link I meant to provide:

The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. - Marriage Builders®

It is a little clearer specifically about your situation.

 

[snoochface]

I think "beyond acceptable" is a real stretch. It probably is unacceptable in some cases, and to some marriages. But I have been friends with exes and am completely transparent, open, and inclusive with my husband, and it has not negatively impacted us in the least. Contact is minimal, but friendly, and there is absolutely zero threat. Both parties have moved on. This won't work for some marriages, where people have not completely moved on, or where there is distrust (and/or valid reason for it), but that is certainly not an all-inclusive situation for all marriages.

 

[Endeavourer]

My husband says he is no longer in love with the ex and has no feelings for her but wants to remain friends. We have had discussions about this b/c in my life experiences i don't see the point since they are no longer together. However, before we got married we both decided/compromised that he would still be in contact with her as she is an important person in my step sons life and I would not want to interfere with that. We agreed that he would only communicate with her in reference to her and my step son. This was very difficult for me at first but i felt it was fair and right to do.

This was a very poor decision. She will be "in" your marriage forever unless you get her out. Go back to your husband to let him know this is not working out for you and the marriage needs contact with her to end entirely.

..however he tells me yesterday that she has invited us to her sons 1st bday party. I was very confused why my husband would even ask/tell me this when he knows how I feel about this. I understand the son going but theres no need for us/him to go. He became upset when I told him no I was not going and I didn't want him to go either. Later we discussed more and this morning he apologized for how he reacted and stated he just wont go to any of her events.

This is very concerning that he and she are in private communication. You are right to be concerned. God gave us instincts to protect us, and yours are on "alarm" for good reason. All one-on-one contact between the two of them is inappropriate.

My issues: I do know that he loves me and I mean a lot to him. However, im torn over this issues and don't want him to later become regretful, resentful, or upset. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels just don't know how to compromise even more without me feeling like im going against my feelings/beliefs and him feeling the same. Any suggestions?
THANKS!

Would you rather he regret missing out on some cake eating with another female or would you rather regret an affair?

If he does not agree to immediately end all contact and never talk to her one-on-one again (putting her over the marriage), you should be very concerned about how far their relationship has progressed and where it is going.

 

[snoochface]

Um, she was included in the invitation. Do you think they are going to go off and have an affair while the OP sits and eats birthday cake with the kids? This seems really out of balance with the situation as she described it.

 

[Endeavourer]

I think "beyond acceptable" is a real stretch. It probably is unacceptable in some cases, and to some marriages. But I have been friends with exes and am completely transparent, open, and inclusive with my husband, and it has not negatively impacted us in the least. Contact is minimal, but friendly, and there is absolutely zero threat. Both parties have moved on. This won't work for some marriages, where people have not completely moved on, or where there is distrust (and/or valid reason for it), but that is certainly not an all-inclusive situation for all marriages.

Ex lovers always have a love bank account with each other, and particularly when relations are friendly such as in her case, where the husband is in one-on-one contact with the ex lover about non-essential items, it is very easy to rekindle the love bank account. Ex lovers are a at a very high risk for affairs.

Dr. Harley's article reflect his research and experience in helping 10,000's of couples survive infidelity. Better to learn from what he has observed as overwhelming patterns than to suffer an affair, which is one of the most painful things a spouse can experience.

 

[Jane_Doe]

This was a very poor decision. She will be "in" your marriage forever unless you get her out. Go back to your husband to let him know this is not working out for you and the marriage needs contact with her to end entirely.

She's family (the son's godmother) and being perfectly wonderful as a family member. Shutting out family is not a good move.

 

[Endeavourer]

Um, she was included in the invitation. Do you think they are going to go off and have an affair while the OP sits and eats birthday cake with the kids? This seems really out of balance with the situation as she described it.

^^This is not true. Read her post more clearly. The invitation was in a private conversation between the two of them.

I thought we had settled everything with this issues however he tells me yesterday that she has invited us to her sons 1st bday party. I was very confused why my husband would even ask/tell me this when he knows how I feel about this. I understand the son going but theres no need for us/him to go. He became upset when I told him no I was not going and I didn't want him to go either. Later we discussed more and this morning he apologized for how he reacted and stated he just wont go to any of her events.

The OP's instincts are serving her correctly in this situation. Her husband's relationship with the ex is ongoing, a component of it is exclusive and private and it poses a very dangerous situation for her marriage.

 

[Endeavourer]

A godmother is not as essential for the son as is the intact marriage/home the boy is living in, and it is ridiculous to assert she belongs in the marriage due to her being a godmother to one of the children.

 

[Endeavourer]

@snoochface , @Jane_Doe : did you read the articles I linked? If so, they may answer a lot of your objections/questions.

 

[MarieMarie89]

This was a very poor decision. She will be "in" your marriage forever unless you get her out. Go back to your husband to let him know this is not working out for you and the marriage needs contact with her to end entirely.



This is very concerning that he and she are in private communication. You are right to be concerned. God gave us instincts to protect us, and yours are on "alarm" for good reason. All one-on-one contact between the two of them is inappropriate.



Would you rather he regret missing out on some cake eating with another female or would you rather regret an affair?

If he does not agree to immediately end all contact and never talk to her one-on-one again (putting her over the marriage), you should be very concerned about how far their relationship has progressed and where it is going.

I have agreed to allow them to communicate for the sake of the son. I don't want to go back on this agreement. But I am not ok with him or us attending events. I dont feel comfortbale with this. and yes I am on alarm and this is what makes me uneasy and concerns me....

 

[MarieMarie89]

I have agreed to allow them to communicate for the sake of the son. I don't want to go back on this agreement. But I am not ok with him or us attending events. I dont feel comfortbale with this. and yes I am on alarm and this is what makes me uneasy and concerns me....

This was a very poor decision. She will be "in" your marriage forever unless you get her out. Go back to your husband to let him know this is not working out for you and the marriage needs contact with her to end entirely.



This is very concerning that he and she are in private communication. You are right to be concerned. God gave us instincts to protect us, and yours are on "alarm" for good reason. All one-on-one contact between the two of them is inappropriate.



Would you rather he regret missing out on some cake eating with another female or would you rather regret an affair?

If he does not agree to immediately end all contact and never talk to her one-on-one again (putting her over the marriage), you should be very concerned about how far their relationship has progressed and where it is going.

I dont know how he would respond to contact ending entirely...im afraid of his response to this.

 

[Jane_Doe]

@snoochface , @Jane_Doe : did you read the articles I linked? If so, they may answer a lot of your objections/questions.

Yes, you post them in many threads. I completely disagree with you and the articles.

 

[MarieMarie89]

@snoochface , @Jane_Doe : did you read the articles I linked? If so, they may answer a lot of your objections/questions.

will do now. thank you!