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Husband Doesn't Want Sex

Discussion in 'Struggles with Sexuality' started by Xandria628, Feb 18, 2011.

  1. Xandria628

    Xandria628 Newbie

    I have posted this question in Married Women Personal Topics, but wanted to post it here as well, to get opinions from both sexes. Thanks.

    My husband and I have been married for just over a year. We both waited to have sex until we were married.

    Before we were married, my husband would say how he couldn't wait to make love to me and that it would be so fun to explore each others bodies. I to was excited for this.

    During our honeymoon, I wanted to have sex every day. I was so happy and excited to get to express love in this way with my husband. However, my husband didn't feel like having sex everyday during our honeymoon. Okay, that was fine by me. I can compromises.

    But, after the honeymoon, my husband still had little desire to have sex with me. Over this last year, we have had sex about once a month. However, there was a series of four weeks where we had sex once a week. It was fun, but didn't last. Now we haven't had sex for at least six weeks.

    The problem is that I could have sex everyday and I would be fine with a few tines a week, but my husband has no interest in me sexually. I have tried so many things; lingerie, no lingerie, being aggressive, etc. I told my husband that we could act out any of his sexual fantasies, but he says he doesn't have any. I keep the house spotless, cook dinner every night, pack his lunches for work, and I work out every morning. I'm young(20) I always take good care of myself and look presentable. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING!

    We have talked about it many times, but it doesn't help. I tried to explain to him that God wants us to have sex, that it's healthy and natural. He says he knows all that. We read the bible together every night and pray together at dinner time.

    I am so hurt by this. I feel so rejected, and worst of all sex is becoming something that is absolutely unbearable to even think about. I associate sex with tons of negative emotions and it's just getting worse. I'm afraid that one day my husband is going to say "Honey, I want to have sex all the time now!" and I will have no desire to have sex with him by then.

    This is especially difficult for me because I was sexually abused for 8 years as a child by my step-father. It was very hard to work through all those emotions and to try to heal from all those hurts. Before I got married, I had started to associate sex with positive things and sex became an expression of love in mind, rather that a punishment. I felt dirty, and like a whore for the things that had happened to me. Now, being rejected all the time has brought back those feelings. I feel that wanting sex is wrong and that I am a sexed up [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].

    I finally found the one person I trust enough to have sex with, the one person I actually want to have sex with. I was so happy to make new memories of sex that would be positive. Of course, he doesn't want me.

    So what am I supposed to do? Why doesn't my husband want me? Please help me! I am tired of feeling sad and alone. I don't know what to do. I need support and guidance please!

    Please, no suggestions of my husband being gay, having an affair, or being addicted to porn. None of those are possibilities.
  2. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran Supporter

    It would be helpful for him to talk with a suitable professional - Dr, sex therapist for example.

    Last edited: Mar 2, 2011
  3. Katarinea

    Katarinea eagerly waiting for heaven

    As if I may be so bold to ask -- what are his reasons for not wanting sex? Does he have any, or is it merely a physical problem?
  4. Jazer

    Jazer Guest

    I do not mean to be generic, but whatever problem we have in life it is still all the same. We have to trust and believe in God that His is going to cause good to come out of it. Of course the enemy is always there to try and offer us his solution. Hopefully we will choose to live for God and to follow after His ways.
  5. graeme72

    graeme72 Newbie

    Hi Xandria628, like John says all I can suggest is that you both attend counselling. If you've tried everything, and tried talking to him, but no success, then I can't think of anything else besides counselling from a Christian counseller, together.

    But of course that's hard if he won't go. I guess I kind of know what you're going through, my wife wants sex maybe 1 fifth as often as I do, so it's a constant struggle. We both need counselling, but she's not interested yet.

    Have you suggested the idea of counselling to him? Perhaps the first step is to let him know how much this is hurting you, keep praying, and hopefully he'll agree to go when he's ready.

  6. stockings123

    stockings123 Newbie

    Don't upset about it just believe in god .He is good miracle in your life.
  7. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran Supporter

    It's a horrible place for you to be in right now. Obviously, there any 'quick fix' looks unlikely. Do you have people around you who can offer support and advice?

  8. laurasue912

    laurasue912 Newbie

    I totally feel your pain, anguish and sense of worthlessness. You expect marriage to be great, for your husband to want to have sex with you as God designed it.

    What no one ever told me, until my husband finally confessed after 20 yrs. of marriage- he was a pornography addict. Porn addiction where he alone fantasizes he is having sex with a beautiful, skinny, exotic looking woman on a porn video, or the internet. He didnt need me - he had his own world where it was all about him- his needs- he didnt need to give anything of himself to the fake woman- all he cared about was his own needs. Once men start with porn - its often easier to have sex without their partner- its easier- quicker- more exciting -but not real.

    I would ask your husband about this - but beware they are often angry and beligerent if you confront them. There are some great books out there = the every mans battle series for the men, and one of those is for the wife of the addict. And Im currently reading Living with your husband's secret wars- which tells us to stand up for ourselves and dont allow him to continue if he wants to remain married to you. he cant have a wife and porn too, its very damaging to your relationship and your marriage

    Ive lived with the every day pain of rejection for yrs - and he has always been unwilling to change - - and bec. I dont confront him and give him the choice of porn or me- he is happy with his choices and i am miserable.

    Pour your heart out to God - He knows your pain and He will lead you to the right course. Good Luck.
  9. Emerlander

    Emerlander Guest

    I'm sorry for your situation, Xandria. It must be very sad. :( Just because he doesn't want sex doesn't mean he's gay or into porn, of course. Talking about it works sometimes but sometimes it may make him defensive. Depends on the type of person. I don't know if he'll be enthusiastic about going to a therapist. Have you read any books regarding this. I googled it now and came across a book called Get Him in the Mood by Kate Dixon. Frankly, I have no idea how good it is. But some book like that may give you an expert opinion. Has there been any progress since you posted it here?

    And it'll be good if you avoid big changes in your life (moving to a tougher job, joining a an additional college course, etc). Cause that'll require a lot of energy. It may drain you when you're in this state. Same with babies. They require a lot of effort and energy. So I personally feel it'll be better if you wait until this situation improves before doing those stuff.
  10. andrewroxsox

    andrewroxsox Newbie

    okay well when it comes to sex go read the book of corinthians, it will clear everything up and then read some of the key verses that hit you hard to him.

    <staff edit>
    <staff edit>
    in the mean time i would speak with your pastor or even just God about your need for sex, i know its not sinful to want sex within your marriage but do not find other things to replace that urge, just talk to God if you have an urge or just get into your word. Good luck and God bless
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2011
  11. Philothei

    Philothei Love never fails

    Eastern Orthodox
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    Just to let you know all that some posts were deleted due to thread clean-up. Please focus on the OP!
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    Thanks :)

    Mod hat off
  12. HISservant21

    HISservant21 Newbie


    1st, take it to the LORD, our Lord JESUS CHRIST in prayer...

    "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

    keep fulfilling your role to your husband in obedience to GOD's word (obedience to GOD being paramount).

    "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." - Ephesians 5:22

    "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord." -Colossians 3:18

    share the word of GOD with HIM,
    "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;" - Ephesians 5:25
    "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." - Colossians 3:19

    "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." -
    1 Corinthians 7:3-5

    then share with him how you feel. May The LORD bless you and be with you.