Husband: Be a Teacher or Divorce!

[jabrenica]

This is so hard. But I have no home church right now. Back slid hubby refuses to take us in our one car.

Many changes have taken place in our family of late. Serious and life-changing things of a very painful nature. I have another thread her at cf in the prayer wall about "Family Split Apart" to see more detail.

Since those changes, hubby has become a different man. He no longer wants me at home with our 3 children. He told me today, in no uncertain terms, that I had better get remarried if I want to continue being a stay at home mom. He told me he no longer believes the Mom should stay home and the Dad should go to work and support the family. I can't really tell him that lifestyle is biblical (even though I believe it is) because that will just start an argument. The man who used to lead bible studies for our church youth is now skipping church because he says "it's overrated."
I was a sahm for 8 years to our kiddos. God saw us through financial tightness. But I started the journey by telling hubby that's what I wanted, even though it wasn't his idea for us. He eventually went along with it because a car accident left us with only 1 car and that meant I couldn't go to work outside the home. He grew to support me in that role in more than one way.

Now, he's shifted. My original training--and 4 years experience--is as a high school teacher. I originally quit teaching to have our first baby and I was committed to staying home. I'm terrified of returning to work. My motivation is nil. The workload is too high. We have to call parents from home to deal w/behavior problems and failing kids. We have to take papers home to correct every night and I always had a very hard time with correcting papers in a timely fashion. The paperwork is huge. Then there's the afterschool meetings. I have 3 kids and my youngest is only 2. It was my dream to be a quiverfull stay at home mom for the rest of my life!

I believe in wifely submission. I do not believe in divorce and remarriage. Besides. If I decided to put my foot down on this issue I'd end up divorced and STILL having to work for a living anyway, just seeing my kiddos less. But this is something I'm afraid of--going back into the workforce. I can't stand the idea of taking all that work home with me after being away from my kiddos all day long!

He says it's to get us back on our feet financially and into a better living situation and also the good benefits. (As an insurance salesman he doesn't get any benefits).

I'd appreciate replies of all thoughtful kinds, including replies from moms who are FORCED back into the workplace.

Also, it's going to be an uphill battle to get my teaching credential reinstated for various reasons.

BTW, we STILL have only one car as a family. I'm praying that would still somehow keep me from having to return to the workforce. But hubby says if I don't teach I have to find something that a.) makes at least $40,000 per year and b.)has benefits. Teaching is the only thing I'm qualified for that fits that description, as far as I know.

HELP!

 

[Susie~Q]

Your situation is deplorable, I am sure the Lord does not approve.

Your husband sounds like a typical narcisstic personality. Google the term, you will, I believe, find him to fit the category completely.

He has no right to tell you to work at a certain type of job, or anything else. A man that refuses to support his family, according to the bible, is worse than an infidel. He is bad news, totally consumed by Satan. You need to get away for awhile. You can not go on like this, he is ruining your self-esteem, big time.

Please, again, for your own well-being and your children, think about a separation, you sure do not have to get a divorce, but, the time away may help.

Sorry that I am not more positive. I have said a prayer for you.

 

[jabrenica]

Your situation is deplorable, I am sure the Lord does not approve.

Your husband sounds like a typical narcisstic personality. Google the term, you will, I believe, find him to fit the category completely.

He has no right to tell you to work at a certain type of job, or anything else. A man that refuses to support his family, according to the bible, is worse than an infidel. He is bad news, totally consumed by Satan. You need to get away for awhile. You can not go on like this, he is ruining your self-esteem, big time.

Please, again, for your own well-being and your children, think about a separation, you sure do not have to get a divorce, but, the time away may help.

Sorry that I am not more positive. I have said a prayer for you.

I am sensing truth and wisdom in your words. However, I do believe in wifely submission commanded by the scriptures. Also, due to circumstances I can explain later if time allows, we do not live under the same roof and the children -- all 3 (9, 6, & 2) live with him. I live in the same zip code, though, and he is letting me see them again (gladly). I have no car to call my own. He has possession of the car that we own together and I cannot drive it because my name is not on the insurance. I am unemployed and have no money for a lawyer. He has sole legal custody in writing, which he got after I ran away from him back in 2013. How will I see my children though the years unless I remain married to him? I fear that is my only choice. But I also fear a showdown about the issue of me teaching. Right now I'm avoiding the topic like the plague. Also, I don't see "self-esteem" as a biblical value. "self-sacrifice" and "submission" I do. But my husband makes it harder even to obey God. I find myself lying to avoid his ever-near judgement, rage and threats.

Even though we might disagree somewhat, I'm open to your thoughts. I agree, he has been overtaken by Satan. And he has even said in front of the kids "I follow Satan, my god." Today he said in front of the kids "I pray to God for me to win the lottery, and that hasn't happened." This was a man who followed Christ and lead Bible studies when we first got married. I can share more later on why he says he acts this way. Thank you.

 

[JAM2b]

I used to be a sahm mom, and homeschooled until my marriage fell apart. I am now a single parent, working and raising our sons on my own.

It probably sounds cliche, but this isn't the end of the world. Yeah, it's hard. But the important thing is that your children need food, clothing, shelter, and medical care. That is the big concern here.

Give yourself and your husband time to process, grow and adjust to a new phase of life. You may end up working things out, or you might not. But either way, the provision for your children has to be the first priority because that is the biggest responsibility both of you have.

Just some practical things:

You need family therapy, if you are not already getting it. even if your husband doesn't go, you and your children need it. You need to be working whether your marriage is repaired or not. Dont wait for a divorce to happen, then try to scramble to get an income. It won't be pretty. They can go to daycare, most operate until after 5 or 6 in the evening. It's not ideal family living, but they will be safe there until you can take them home. That will allow you time to do what you need.
Learn time management skills. Lots of teachers have to work overtime (without pay). find out how they do it without killing themselves and still having a family life.
You may have to sacrifice some sleep and comfort so that you can get all your after hour work done if you return to teaching. I work in a field where I have to do documentation, and it usually has to be done off the clock because of time constraints during the shift, but it is part of the job. Talk to other teachers who have children and see how they cope. There are plenty of wonderful teachers who are also really good parents. Pick their brains.

People do this every.single.day. And not just a few folks. And their families are well adjusted and thriving.

 

[katerinah1947]

This is so hard. But I have no home church right now. Back slid hubby refuses to take us in our one car.

Many changes have taken place in our family of late. Serious and life-changing things of a very painful nature. I have another thread her at cf in the prayer wall about "Family Split Apart" to see more detail.

Since those changes, hubby has become a different man. He no longer wants me at home with our 3 children. He told me today, in no uncertain terms, that I had better get remarried if I want to continue being a stay at home mom. He told me he no longer believes the Mom should stay home and the Dad should go to work and support the family. I can't really tell him that lifestyle is biblical (even though I believe it is) because that will just start an argument. The man who used to lead bible studies for our church youth is now skipping church because he says "it's overrated."
I was a sahm for 8 years to our kiddos. God saw us through financial tightness. But I started the journey by telling hubby that's what I wanted, even though it wasn't his idea for us. He eventually went along with it because a car accident left us with only 1 car and that meant I couldn't go to work outside the home. He grew to support me in that role in more than one way.

Now, he's shifted. My original training--and 4 years experience--is as a high school teacher. I originally quit teaching to have our first baby and I was committed to staying home. I'm terrified of returning to work. My motivation is nil. The workload is too high. We have to call parents from home to deal w/behavior problems and failing kids. We have to take papers home to correct every night and I always had a very hard time with correcting papers in a timely fashion. The paperwork is huge. Then there's the afterschool meetings. I have 3 kids and my youngest is only 2. It was my dream to be a quiverfull stay at home mom for the rest of my life!

I believe in wifely submission. I do not believe in divorce and remarriage. Besides. If I decided to put my foot down on this issue I'd end up divorced and STILL having to work for a living anyway, just seeing my kiddos less. But this is something I'm afraid of--going back into the workforce. I can't stand the idea of taking all that work home with me after being away from my kiddos all day long!

He says it's to get us back on our feet financially and into a better living situation and also the good benefits. (As an insurance salesman he doesn't get any benefits).

I'd appreciate replies of all thoughtful kinds, including replies from moms who are FORCED back into the workplace.

Also, it's going to be an uphill battle to get my teaching credential reinstated for various reasons.

BTW, we STILL have only one car as a family. I'm praying that would still somehow keep me from having to return to the workforce. But hubby says if I don't teach I have to find something that a.) makes at least $40,000 per year and b.)has benefits. Teaching is the only thing I'm qualified for that fits that description, as far as I know.

HELP!

Hi,
Please do look up Narcissist. Also know this. I was the spouse of someone like a Narcissist only worse. I did not know it. Twenty two years I spent with that person. It still took another six years to rid myself of that person.
My daughter caught on far quicker than I did, and she is fine today. Yes, God totally got involved later and that spouse made me find God, when for some reason that Spouse picked a Religion and I had to investigate, their accuracies. The religion failed, the one my spouse picked, but I learned much about God and then was helped by that.
When God came to my aid, and now I chose Catholicism to fulfil what I had learned, years later my daughter makes it abundantly clear, that it only takes one good parent for a child to be okay. That parent can work or not. I worked. She says I am the good parent she took after.
Interesting, she has been told that it is also I, despite what I think, that gave her what she needed to be married and a good wife, by even Psychologists. It only takes one good parent, according to everyone. Good parents see only thier flaws in themselves. So, I still disagree with her, but she is winning me over slowly.
LOVE,
...Mary., .... .

 

[ex-pat]

Can you provide a cost-benefit sheet to your husband showing the cost of day care full time for three children, plus the cost of a second car and insurance for same vs. your expected earnings as a teacher? In most cases, with that many small children, it is not possible to make enough $ to cover that. (I see two of yours are older, but most high schools start before most elementary schools, so they'd need someone to start them to school and after school care.

But this is not about your working, it's about something more than that. You live apart, which makes me think he'd feel guilty divorcing you unless you have a job, so he's trying to force you into one. Can you teach online classes? Kahn Acedemy usually needs teachers. Perhaps you may manage by being a full-time substitute teacher? No papers to correct, that sort of thing, until you get your bearings in the system again (you may also decide you prefer to teach middle school or even elementary). Once you can earn enough for your own car, in your name, then see where you are.

Get counselling, period. His behaviour is not about finance, it's not biblical, and needs addressing. Submission is all well and good, and I would remind you that there is no reason a wife cannot work (See what is done by the wife in Proverbs 31), but in your role as caregiver in the house, you need to consider whether your husband's behaviour may be the result of an illness, and, if so, attempt to get help for him. Your counselor may tell you that this is not the case, and that he is, in fact, being abusive and abusing his headship. You may then consider what you want to do about that (get help from elders, a pastor, etc. ) In the meantime, think of your safety net, and find a way to work.

 

[Mayzoo]

Have you considered applying to be a teacher for the online home school type programs ie K-12? You could teach primarily from home that way. Here is a link to some online high schools: https://www.google.com/search?newwi...edr...0...1c.1.64.serp..0.19.1495.jwR7fLuQyFI

I am a stay at home mom who home schools as well, and I am now needing to get back into the workforce. I am going to try to do accounting from home for a small business.

Once you get your credentials back, do everything in your power to not let them lapse again. I keep my certificates up whether I ever use them again or not. It is sooooo much easier to keep them up than to reinstate them. Should something unexpectedly happen to your hubby, you will need them.

 

[Catherineanne]

This is so hard. But I have no home church right now. Back slid hubby refuses to take us in our one car.

Many changes have taken place in our family of late. Serious and life-changing things of a very painful nature. I have another thread her at cf in the prayer wall about "Family Split Apart" to see more detail.

Since those changes, hubby has become a different man. He no longer wants me at home with our 3 children. He told me today, in no uncertain terms, that I had better get remarried if I want to continue being a stay at home mom. He told me he no longer believes the Mom should stay home and the Dad should go to work and support the family. I can't really tell him that lifestyle is biblical (even though I believe it is) because that will just start an argument. The man who used to lead bible studies for our church youth is now skipping church because he says "it's overrated."
I was a sahm for 8 years to our kiddos. God saw us through financial tightness. But I started the journey by telling hubby that's what I wanted, even though it wasn't his idea for us. He eventually went along with it because a car accident left us with only 1 car and that meant I couldn't go to work outside the home. He grew to support me in that role in more than one way.

Now, he's shifted. My original training--and 4 years experience--is as a high school teacher. I originally quit teaching to have our first baby and I was committed to staying home. I'm terrified of returning to work. My motivation is nil. The workload is too high. We have to call parents from home to deal w/behavior problems and failing kids. We have to take papers home to correct every night and I always had a very hard time with correcting papers in a timely fashion. The paperwork is huge. Then there's the afterschool meetings. I have 3 kids and my youngest is only 2. It was my dream to be a quiverfull stay at home mom for the rest of my life!

I believe in wifely submission. I do not believe in divorce and remarriage. Besides. If I decided to put my foot down on this issue I'd end up divorced and STILL having to work for a living anyway, just seeing my kiddos less. But this is something I'm afraid of--going back into the workforce. I can't stand the idea of taking all that work home with me after being away from my kiddos all day long!

He says it's to get us back on our feet financially and into a better living situation and also the good benefits. (As an insurance salesman he doesn't get any benefits).

I'd appreciate replies of all thoughtful kinds, including replies from moms who are FORCED back into the workplace.

Also, it's going to be an uphill battle to get my teaching credential reinstated for various reasons.

BTW, we STILL have only one car as a family. I'm praying that would still somehow keep me from having to return to the workforce. But hubby says if I don't teach I have to find something that a.) makes at least $40,000 per year and b.)has benefits. Teaching is the only thing I'm qualified for that fits that description, as far as I know.

HELP!

It sounds as if you might both benefit from counselling.

Your husband seems to be finding the strain of supporting the family on his own to be too much. It is reasonable for him to ask you to consider how you could help out, particularly if you are a qualified teacher. What is less reasonable is for him to hold you to ransom in the way you describe and tell you how much you need to earn to remain his wife. That may be desperation talking, or it may be a sign of far deeper problems in the relationship.

Meanwhile, your dream of having more children will put increased strain on him; if he is not coping financially now then how can he join in dreams of more and more children? You say you are afraid of working; do you realise quite how afraid your husband is of not coping?

There seems to be such a great deal of miscommunication and misunderstanding going on. Being a Biblical wife does not mean having everything you want all the time, and leaving your husband to struggle. It is time for you both to sit down with someone you trust and formulate a plan; one which will enable you to work towards accreditation and returning to work in a couple of years' time, and will enable your husband to see light at the end of a dark tunnel. Perhaps the first thing you both need to agree is to have no more children until you both want them.

Biblical wives do not leave all the problems to the husband. Neither do they pray not to be able to help financially, because there is only one car. What is that all about? You are an adult, not a child. You must pull your weight; if you cannot do it financially then you must at least do so emotionally and start to listen to what your husband is saying. Forget the dreams; this is real life, and only you can make this work.

I wish you well.

 

[Mayzoo]

I am sensing truth and wisdom in your words. However, I do believe in wifely submission commanded by the scriptures. Also, due to circumstances I can explain later if time allows, we do not live under the same roof and the children -- all 3 (9, 6, & 2) live with him. I live in the same zip code, though, and he is letting me see them again (gladly). I have no car to call my own. He has possession of the car that we own together and I cannot drive it because my name is not on the insurance. I am unemployed and have no money for a lawyer. He has sole legal custody in writing, which he got after I ran away from him back in 2013. How will I see my children though the years unless I remain married to him? I fear that is my only choice. But I also fear a showdown about the issue of me teaching. Right now I'm avoiding the topic like the plague. Also, I don't see "self-esteem" as a biblical value. "self-sacrifice" and "submission" I do. But my husband makes it harder even to obey God. I find myself lying to avoid his ever-near judgement, rage and threats.

Even though we might disagree somewhat, I'm open to your thoughts. I agree, he has been overtaken by Satan. And he has even said in front of the kids "I follow Satan, my god." Today he said in front of the kids "I pray to God for me to win the lottery, and that hasn't happened." This was a man who followed Christ and lead Bible studies when we first got married. I can share more later on why he says he acts this way. Thank you.

If you two are living and paying for two households, you simply need two incomes. This sounds like a matter of you needing to work, not him wanting you to work. Not every family can afford a SAHparent. Are you taking care of the children during the day or are they in daycare?

I must recommend you get a job from home, or get a job close to where you live so you can walk or bike to work. It does not have to be teaching, but it sounds like you must get a job to sustain yourself and aid in the support of your children so long as you two are living apart and likely even after if you two reunite. Many, if not most, people work outside their degrees. There is rarely a "good" reason not to work once someone accepts they MUST work.

A man I recently heard about walked 21 miles round trip EVERY WORK DAY to earn a living and support his children (https://www.google.com/search?newwi...0.0....0...1c.1.64.hp..1.10.887.0.IZQ6EyafIM8). We all do what we must to survive and support the children we choose to have. God will provide can often means He will provide you access to a job, not He will provide money, food, and shelter.

I cannot recommend you willfully lying, thus disobeying God; however, that is between you and God. This is not between you, your husband, and God as your husband cannot make you be disobedient in this fashion. Being repeatedly honest by simply stating you do not wish to work may anger your husband, but lying is never a solution; not between you and your husband, nor between you and God.

Here is a google link to jobs that pay 40K a year. There are countless and many do not even require a degree: https://www.google.com/search?newwi....0....0...1c.1.64.hp..1.30.1786.0.YMWZEDf1AbE.

 

[Catherineanne]

I am sensing truth and wisdom in your words. However, I do believe in wifely submission commanded by the scriptures. Also, due to circumstances I can explain later if time allows, we do not live under the same roof and the children -- all 3 (9, 6, & 2) live with him.

So you are not at present a sahm? Your husband is being both mother and father to the children? No wonder he is struggling.

Comments about narcissism on this thread would seem to have been both premature and inappropriate.

Counselling would seem the only hope for this one. And lots of prayer.

 

[Catherineanne]

But this is not about your working, it's about something more than that. You live apart, which makes me think he'd feel guilty divorcing you unless you have a job, so he's trying to force you into one.

The husband is already working and bringing up three children on his own. Of course he won't want divorce at present; if his wife is not working he will have to support her as well.

To say this marriage is unbalanced would be an understatement.

 

[Messy]

My ex didn't want to work. I could work 3 days and the other days care for the kids and the household while he played WOW and did nothing. Then he thought it was weird I didn't buy nice food for him since I only ate bread and cheese, there was no money. If you don't work you won't eat. Why is that different with a woman?
But 40k gimme a break with two incomes we got 2500 a month or something. That's enough, luxury is stupid.
Just find a nice job for 3 days or something, maybe with small kids and go for counselling.

 

[Mayzoo]

My ex didn't want to work. I could work 3 days and the other days care for the kids and the household while he played WOW and did nothing. Then he thought it was weird I didn't buy nice food for him since I only ate bread and cheese there was no money. If you don't work you won't eat. Why is that different with a woman?
But 40k gimme a break with two incomes we got 2500 a month or something. That's enough, luxury is stupid.
Just find a nice job for 3 days or something, maybe with small kids and go for counselling.

They are, from what I can tell, supporting two households and likely have the children in daycare or with another family member that they should be at least reimbursing for food and needs the children have in anothers care. Two households are expensive.

 

[Mayzoo]

As for the benefits, if you live in America, try Healthcare.gov It is there to help provide insurance to those not offered it on their jobs and to those who also may qualify for subsidies.

If you live in America, and depending on your income, there is a penalty now for not being insured; it is $325 per person for the year ($162.50 per child under 18). The maximum penalty per family using this method is $975 that you owe the government because you have no insurance. Next year will be even higher. It is no longer a frivolous concern. Hubby and I were uninsured for roughly 12 years. Now it cost more to be uninsured than it does to have a catastrophic plan.

My hubby does not have benefits, so we have our insurance through that site.

 

[beaverpond]

Okay, different perspective...one of from a stay at home Dad who homeschools his daughter. My wife and I made this choice to homeschool out of necessity and the reason I am a stay at home Dad is because of a physical disability. I used to hold down a regular job for more than 25 years. But it got to a point where I could no longer do it because my seizures just would not allow me to continue to work.

So my wife is now the primary bread winner and I am on social security disability. Yes, we have two incomes...we have always had two incomes. It is what it has always taken to pay the bills. We don't live lavishly, meaning we don't play the lottery, go on fancy vacations, buy new cars every couple of years (considering one is a 2006 and the other is a 2007), we only have one phone and one cell phone, one computer, we live pretty simply compared to some and better than others some would say.

I know some school systems where they provide childcare starting at 6am and finish at 6pm for their own staff allowing them to do what they need to do in their jobs. You say you need to get recertified, been there as I have been a teacher in the past. Maybe the time has come where it would be better to go after your degree in elementary education so that way you can take your kids right along with you, if your school system provides the same type of care ours does and ours not only opens it up to staff but also to parents who have kids that attend school there so that way they know their kids are safe and they know where they are and they won't be late getting there or miss a bus trying to get there.

Has your husband backslidden in his faith, possibly. Only God knows his heart. He may be speaking in anger and frustration because he doesn't know what else to do about the finances and how to go about fixing them. I know you want to be a stay at home, that is not always possible. My wife wishes she could be, but for different reasons. She wants to be so she can be around to help take care of our daughter, help do some of the homeschooling, and help take care of me with some of my needs instead of having my daughter do it...it is just minor stuff.

Take a look at your vows for a minute that you said on your wedding day, many couples use...for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death due us part...my wife and I have seen all but the last one and we are much stronger for it as a couple. We know God is in our marriage and in our family. Is our living condition ideal, not for what we would like, but it is not for us to say what we would choose, we look at what God has given us and we are thankful everyday. Sure we may grumble at times, but we try to find something to be thankful about everyday as He is the reason we are all together as family.

Marriage is not perfect, marriage takes work, things of today were not around in Jesus' time. Does that mean that the wife should stay home, no that is not what I am saying. I know of many women in today's society that are Christians that are married with kids and would love to be stay at home moms, but know that with expenses being what they are that this is not a possibility. The husbands and the wives are both working, they are both bringing in an income...whether they work for somebody or they own their own business, 64% of married couples both people are working to pay the bills and some are working multiple jobs.

This is just something else to think on.