Husband and Wife Disagreement

[Lucky9]

What would you do if you were in this scenario with your spouse?

I get an invite from my family, about a small family reunion 2 months away, wherein everyone is going to go on a 2 day excursion up north in the state I live in. My parents have offered to pay half of the costs associated. And considering that, it can be affordable for me and my family to go.

My husband however, doesn't like what is planned, he hates the activities scheduled and thinks there is too much going on, and it's too busy, and he doesn't get along well with my dad. Mind you, every get together with my family, has him [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ing and complaining the entire time, because my family is more active and outdoorsy, than he is and he hates how busy we all are when we are together. We all tend to enjoy ourselves much better, when he's not been included (has stayed home). I also feel much more at ease and relaxed when he is not around when doing things with my family, because our interests differ and it's constant tension and stress, because he isn't enjoying himself. As well, my husband complains that he only has few days of PTO left for the year, and doesn't like the idea of taking time off for this.

I obviously want to go and be with my family, some of whom I have not seen in several years. I have the PTO time and our 3 kids are all out of school and have no other obligations.

My husband is saying no unless my parents cover the entire cost of trip. He feels it is unfair of them to invite us on this excursion that costs so much money, and expecting us to pay, when we don't have a lot of money. He didn't even ask what the costs would be or whether or not we could afford it, he just point blank, said no, they pay all.

Then if that demand is met, his only offer is to drive up to meet my family at one of the daily locations planned, but not do the whole 2 day trip. I obviously don't agree with this offer, because I don't see any valid reason we can't go for the two days. He is the only one who has a problem with what is planned, it's not his thing. But I'm actually looking forward to it, because it's my family, it's what I'm used to and I enjoy doing things with my family, the way my family does things. I don't get that in my own home life, because of how my husband is. We NEVER do anything or go anywhere, except maybe to the movies once a year.

So my husband is upset about another issue, not related to this one, and because he feels I've snubbed him by not doing as he wants on that issue, he's being defiant and uncooperative on this issue, and is now saying no, to the whole idea.

I even suggested logically, that since he doesn't like what's planned, doesn't get along with my dad, isn't happy with the idea of it, and doesn't want to use PTO, why can't I take the kids and go without him? That just upset him more and said I could go, but not take the kids. Which IMO, would be embarrassing to explain to my family.

So, do I just go without him, knowing he'll be at work and I can just take the kids and go with my family? I know this will cause him to be upset, but what can he do....

Or do I suck it up and not do anything with my family, because husband said no?

 

[akaDaScribe]

What would you do if you were in this scenario with your spouse?

I get an invite from my family, about a small family reunion 2 months away, wherein everyone is going to go on a 2 day excursion up north in the state I live in. My parents have offered to pay half of the costs associated. And considering that, it can be affordable for me and my family to go.

My husband however, doesn't like what is planned, he hates the activities scheduled and thinks there is too much going on, and it's too busy, and he doesn't get along well with my dad. Mind you, every get together with my family, has him [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ing and complaining the entire time, because my family is more active and outdoorsy, than he is and he hates how busy we all are when we are together. We all tend to enjoy ourselves much better, when he's not been included (has stayed home). I also feel much more at ease and relaxed when he is not around when doing things with my family, because our interests differ and it's constant tension and stress, because he isn't enjoying himself. As well, my husband complains that he only has few days of PTO left for the year, and doesn't like the idea of taking time off for this.

I obviously want to go and be with my family, some of whom I have not seen in several years. I have the PTO time and our 3 kids are all out of school and have no other obligations.

My husband is saying no unless my parents cover the entire cost of trip. He feels it is unfair of them to invite us on this excursion that costs so much money, and expecting us to pay, when we don't have a lot of money. He didn't even ask what the costs would be or whether or not we could afford it, he just point blank, said no, they pay all.

Then if that demand is met, his only offer is to drive up to meet my family at one of the daily locations planned, but not do the whole 2 day trip. I obviously don't agree with this offer, because I don't see any valid reason we can't go for the two days. He is the only one who has a problem with what is planned, it's not his thing. But I'm actually looking forward to it, because it's my family, it's what I'm used to and I enjoy doing things with my family, the way my family does things. I don't get that in my own home life, because of how my husband is. We NEVER do anything or go anywhere, except maybe to the movies once a year.

So my husband is upset about another issue, not related to this one, and because he feels I've snubbed him by not doing as he wants on that issue, he's being defiant and uncooperative on this issue, and is now saying no, to the whole idea.

I even suggested logically, that since he doesn't like what's planned, doesn't get along with my dad, isn't happy with the idea of it, and doesn't want to use PTO, why can't I take the kids and go without him? That just upset him more and said I could go, but not take the kids. Which IMO, would be embarrassing to explain to my family.

So, do I just go without him, knowing he'll be at work and I can just take the kids and go with my family? I know this will cause him to be upset, but what can he do....

Or do I suck it up and not do anything with my family, because husband said no?

It sounds like you are having a bigger problem in your marriage than the trip. As far as the trip goes, I would leave the kids home. That is only going to escalate a tense situation. But it sounds like you guys need to have a serious talk when you get back. I can appreciate being frustrated about not having enough money and even feeling out of place, but saying the kids can’t go just to be spiteful is a slippery slope.

 

[Dave-W]

It sounds like you are having a bigger problem in your marriage than the trip.

Agreed.

 

[mama2one]

would your parents agree to cover the whole cost if you explain it would be a financial strain?

he should let the kids go, after all they should be able to spend time with grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins

family reunions are only once/yr and this is good bonding time

he'd probably enjoy time by himself with you all away a couple days
blessings

 

[mkgal1]

why can't I take the kids and go without him? That just upset him more and said I could go, but not take the kids. Which IMO, would be embarrassing to explain to my family.

I remember you have had a similar issue in the past. How did you handle it then? To my mind, it's not about being embarrassing to explain to your family if you left the children behind....it would be hurtful to the children to be left out. Didn't your husband sort of hold them captive to being home for their vacation a while back? Just b/c your husband enjoys being a home-body doesn't mean all of you prefer it that way. Maybe the two of you can negotiate each having your own spending accounts to do what you'd like with?

 

[mkgal1]

but saying the kids can’t go just to be spiteful is a slippery slope.

Agreed.

 

[Lucky9]

I remember you have had a similar issue in the past. How did you handle it then? To my mind, it's not about being embarrassing to explain to your family if you left the children behind....it would be hurtful to the children to be left out. Didn't your husband sort of hold them captive to being home for their vacation a while back? Just b/c your husband enjoys being a home-body doesn't mean all of you prefer it that way. Maybe the two of you can negotiate each having your own spending accounts to do what you'd like with?

Yes, my parents and brothers family, were planning a trip over the Christmas holiday to go see my sister. My husband did not want us to go, even though there was no cost to us. His reasons were that he wanted us to stay at home over the holiday, as he had taken time off to spend with us. However, the time of that trip, was over the period when he was returning back to work, so...his argument was kind of moot.

As it turned out, over days of arguing and fighting over it, and him saying we could go if he went too (which would have been a nightmare, considering how he loathes traveling and has a hard time doing things my family enjoys doing), my brother ended up not going, so I backed out of the trip as well.

As for separate spending accounts, while that sounds like a great idea, I make more than him so I could technically hold some of my own pay to the side to do stuff I like to do, but I have no idea how I would even broach this with my husband. Since everything relating to my family sets him off, it doesn't matter what it is or how much it does or does not cost.

IMO, it kind of seems like a control issue. He's insecure and it seems he hates being away from me and me doing things away from him. Even though me spending time with my family is no threat and he hates what we all do anyway....it's hard for me to get my head around his logic (or lack of therein).

 

[DZoolander]

If it was me I'd say "Okay!" to the not taking the kids, and go hang out with your family. See how he likes what he's proposed.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Honestly, it seems like control issues for both of you, and you both use the kids as pivot points in exacting control over the situation. You need secular marital counseling or you need lone individual counseling to get through these issues at this point... You’re fighting about the trip with your parents while not ACTUALLY fighting about the trip with your parents.

 

[ValleyGal]

OP, do you want your marriage to work?

Does your husband?

 

[jameseb]

I would go with the kids. Like others have said, the deserve to see their family, too. I'm sorry you guys can't agree on how to handle the trip, but I'm sure he'll get over it... not without you, unfortunately, having to endure his attitude. I want to sympathize with him as some people are very introverted. I get it. However, this is family and one should, even if they don't like it, suck it up and enjoy it for the other.