Husband and I can't agree

[Bornoptimist]

I didn't know where to post this. My husband and I have a daughter that will turn three in a few months. For the past year and a half we have been trying hard for a second child with no luck. This week he dropped the bombshell on me that he didn't want another child. According to him, this decision stems from a remark I made about him not praising our daughter enough over some little thing a few weeks ago. He says it him like a ton of bricks that he was like his own father. This could not be less true as his own father didn't even deserve the title. He was physically and emotionally abusive and neglectful and didn't support his family financially. He was probably bipolar and died of a drug overdose while I was pregnant. My husband is a wonderful father and is the main breadwinner. He's afraid with his stressful job he will not have it him to be the father he should be and he doesn't want his children feeling like he did. I have prayed much for God to reveal his will to me and I believe he has. Before this happened I had several signs that I can't ignore. I am not a fanciful person. I believe he means this child to be born. I truly believe that Satan has put these fears and doubts in my husband's mind to prevent God's plan for us. I am determined not to let this ruin the marriage and family we already have. My husband has promised to pray on this matter but as of right now he doesn't see himself ever changing hiss mind. I am already 35. I have prayed and read scripture and Christian articles. We planned for children from before we were married. I am blindsided and devastated and only with God am I getting through this. Does any one have any wisdom for me?

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[Hidden In Him]

According to him, this decision stems from a remark I made about him not praising our daughter enough over some little thing a few weeks ago. He says it him like a ton of bricks that he was like his own father. This could not be less true as his own father didn't even deserve the title. He was physically and emotionally abusive and neglectful and didn't support his family financially. He was probably bipolar and died of a drug overdose while I was pregnant.

That last statement is an interesting one...

I suggest you prayer together over the matter intently for a good while, until both of you unquestionably have an answer from God about how to proceed. Bipolar disorder runs in families, and as you probably know this is a rough thing to have to go through in life. So while this may not at present be at all what his present motivation is for thinking twice, there might be a reason to nonetheless.

I'm not trying to cast a gloom on your situation (like your site name, btw). I'm simply saying there may be several reasons why now would be a good time to really pray together over the issue of having more kids. Make sure you know His will first.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I guess I have to ask, how would this ruin the marriage? Do you mean you would be upset if you didn't have a second child and that would ruin the marriage? Also I often see people change their mind a bit later in the marriage about having more kids (or not having more). Not that its fair of course.

 

[miamited]

Hi bornoptimist,

Obviously your husband took your rebuke differently than you intended it. That happens quite often in life. People misunderstand the intentions of someone's words. So, what do you do to straighten this out?

Well, I'd suggest you start off something like this:

Establish a quiet place and time where the two of you can talk. A discussion as important as this should not compete with a football game or some TV show. It should not be held while there are many possible distractions to waylay the conversation.

Then you say to him something like this:

Honey, I want you to know first and foremost that I love you. I loved you when I married you and I still do. Please give me a couple of minutes to speak without interruption to say what I feel that I need to say and then we'll discuss. I am very, very sorry that my words were heard by you as a rebuke that made you think that you are like your father. Believe me that was not my intention and I want you to know that after all the years I've known you and we've been together that you are not at all like your father. I know some of what your father did as you were growing up and I can assure you that you are nothing like that. Please, I'm very, very sorry that I gave you any impression such as that.

You're a good and stable father. You show such great love for our daughter and it is because I trust you as a father that I would like to have another child with you to make a more complete family in which we all love one another. Please believe me that if I had any doubts as to your ability to be a loving father, I wouldn't be so driven about having another child. I love you and I hope that you will at least leave this opportunity on the table. I'd really like to have another child. Both for our fulfillment and so that our child now has a sibling.

Then hold your tongue and let him offer his response. If you've already worked it out, great! If not, I hope that my suggestion helps.

God bless you,
In Christ, ted

 

[paul1149]

This week he dropped the bombshell on me that he didn't want another child. According to him, this decision stems from a remark I made about him not praising our daughter enough over some little thing a few weeks ago. He says it him like a ton of bricks that he was like his own father. This could not be less true as his own father didn't even deserve the title.

Hi,
Wives have incredible power to make or break their husbands. Husbands are made to be tough, they have to be in this world, and that can give the impression that nothing gets though. But that is an emphatically wrong impression, especially when it comes to family.

I think the way forward involves communication, in making the point clearly that he is not his father and is not bound to continue his father's errors. Begin building him up in this area, renew his confidence in himself, and in God. Work with him on parenting issues. Keep everything on a team level. It sounds like an exploit of satan, as you say, and the Bible assures us that two can put to flight ten thousand.

Part of the problem is that your own fears, regarding your bio-clock, are now aroused. I think you are going to have to fight your own battle of faith on that front at the same time as you work with your husband. This will be a time of assertively trusting in the Lord's goodness and ability. Be patient, and persevere.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[Bornoptimist]

I thank everyone very sincerely who took the time to comment. We have already discussed this at length and I have written him a long letter. He knows what a great father I think he is but he says it doesn't change what he thinks of himself. He does suffer from low self esteem from his child hood and I can't change that. I only wish he could love himself like I love him. To the person who asked how it could ruin the marriage, I'm sure many

 

[Bornoptimist]

Marriages have ended over one denying the other a child. Bitterness creeps in when you don't always want it to. I am still open to advice.

 

[“Paisios”]

I didn't know where to post this. My husband and I have a daughter that will turn three in a few months. For the past year and a half we have been trying hard for a second child with no luck. This week he dropped the bombshell on me that he didn't want another child. According to him, this decision stems from a remark I made about him not praising our daughter enough over some little thing a few weeks ago. He says it him like a ton of bricks that he was like his own father. This could not be less true as his own father didn't even deserve the title. He was physically and emotionally abusive and neglectful and didn't support his family financially. He was probably bipolar and died of a drug overdose while I was pregnant. My husband is a wonderful father and is the main breadwinner. He's afraid with his stressful job he will not have it him to be the father he should be and he doesn't want his children feeling like he did. I have prayed much for God to reveal his will to me and I believe he has. Before this happened I had several signs that I can't ignore. I am not a fanciful person. I believe he means this child to be born. I truly believe that Satan has put these fears and doubts in my husband's mind to prevent God's plan for us. I am determined not to let this ruin the marriage and family we already have. My husband has promised to pray on this matter but as of right now he doesn't see himself ever changing hiss mind. I am already 35. I have prayed and read scripture and Christian articles. We planned for children from before we were married. I am blindsided and devastated and only with God am I getting through this. Does any one have any wisdom for me?

I will pray for your family, and welcome you to the forums.

 

[Bornoptimist]

Thank you shoetoyou, you are very kind. Paul 1149, what you said about me fighting my own battle of faith is very true. I read an article that talks about the dangers of making your baby your idol, feeling you can never be satisfied without it, and putting it in a place only God should be. I realize I am guilty of that. I do wonder if the purpose of this whole trial is to bring my husband

 

[Bornoptimist]

And I closer to Him. When I was praying to God to reveal his will to me on this matter, it came to me "You already know" You see a few months ago after failing to conceive i was particulary down and I prayed very hard all weekend for God to give me hope. Tuesday I got a call from someone saying they had a dream my husband and I had a baby boy. The next day I got a call from a different person who had the same dream. I couldn't chalk these up to coincidence, and I believed I had been promised a child. No one knew I was trying to conceive. There were other signs as well. Now I feel that I am to continue to hold to that promise. (I have had experience with prophetic dreams in the past so I was already open to such ideas.)

 

[Bornoptimist]

The passage that says something like "Abraham was given a child because he believed in the faithfulness of he who promised it" has given me comfort and reconfirmed for me that I need don't need to give up on this although there are big roadblocks right now.

 

[All4Christ]

Welcome to Christian Forums and prayers for you!

I recommend checking out the Married Couple's forum or the Christian Advice forum. This forum is specifically for introductions, and I think you will get a lot of responses there.

Once again, prayers for you!

 

[Bornoptimist]

Thank you All4Christ. I couldnt find the married couples forum.

 

[All4Christ]

Thank you All4Christ. I couldnt find the married couples forum.

I'll grab the link for you I'll be back soon!

ETA: Married Couples

 

[CoolDude68]

Sounds like your husband is the one needing help. Maybe you to should seek out the assistance with a Christian counselor. Maybe he has some form of bipolar issues himself but not as severely as his father. Those things typically are in the genes of a family. Anyway, good luck. You have plenty of advice here I read but this seems like a one sided situation to me. There's no excuse being busy in a job. That's a cop out to some underlying thing in my opinion. People who really want kids will manage no matter what their circumstances. Something isn't adding up with him. This is just my gut feeling. I could be wrong. Just giving another view.

 

[Bornoptimist]

Cooldude68, thanks for commenting. I have wondered if he could have inherited his dad's problem but when I look at symptoms for bi polar disorder it doesn't seem like him at all. I really think his problems are caused by his childhood. We have considered christian marriage counseling if we can't resolve this. His fear is that we won't be able to resolve this and i will leave him over it. I have assured him I won't but not sure he believes me. When we had our daughter he was really excited to try and I didn't push him into it. He is so proud of her. It's himself he isn't proud of. He's been able to secure an admin position at a school without even a degree, that's what a hard and reliable worker he is. He is 30 years old.

 

[CoolDude68]

Why not wait a year or two? Heck, my mom had me in her early 40's! I wouldn't rush into something and a lot can change in even six months. Why not just drop the subject for a little bit, concentrate on other things and keep praying. Maybe God has another plan.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Pray about this first and foremost. I'm persuaded that having children is always God's will for married couples, unless they find themselves unable to conceive. Don't nag too much. Pray. If your husband refuses to have more children, be consoled by the fact that you do have one child, and she's a great blessing. Many married couples don't get even one.