Husband and his female friend

[sdmsanjose]

quotes of thread :
something was a bit off, was when he told me she had discussed her marriage problems with him.

We both run a shop. She will pop into the shop. If he is there she sometimes stays for hours, sometimes all day. If I'm there she stays about 5 minutes

More recently, she confided in him and told him a "secret" that her husband can't be told (nothing inappropriate, just about her daughter, she wanted advice).

I snooped again today and they had a coffee in our home when I was at work yesterday and he never mentioned it.



Where there is smoke there is usually a fire. That woman is putting out a LOT of smoke.


If I were you I would tell your husband that this woman is causing you a whole LOT of worry and concern and that she is to stop all contact with your family. A female friend of your husband that is taking the above actions is way too risky to take any chances. With a situation like this your husband should back you up 100% and put this woman out of your family life.


There is a very good reason that pastors and others have made a rule that they are not to be with any female without a very responsible Christian or spouse to be present. One of the reasons that you have never heard of Billy Graham having any sexual scandals is because he has used that rule for over 70 years and it works!


The situation with the other woman and your husband is very risky and there needs to be a real change made immediately. If your husband does not take your side in this change then I would be very suspect of him. A husband’s wife is to be number one with no exceptions regarding other women; your husband does not need any other woman friends that like to be alone with him.

This is a slam dunk; the other woman has to be banished!


Why have you and your husband not been to a competent pastor to help with this situation? You are potentially playing with fire!

 

[simplySummer]

Andy Stanley has a great series on Guardrails in marriage and life and he explains why having guardrails are important. We watched the series in our small group a couple years ago and it still sticks with me how important they are to have. It goes along the same line as what your pastor practices - which Andy does an excellent job of stressing the importance of. Maybe you can watch this with your husband?

North Point

 

[OK Jeff]

I saw that too. It's where I arrived at the belief of the whole situation being inappropriate. I like Andy and his dad a great deal.

 

[simplySummer]

It's now an unspoken rule between my husband and I. I think it's the way Andy puts it, just makes sense! We enjoy listening to and watching both Charles Stanley and Andy's sermons. Our teenage boys can relate to Andy more

 

[Iamneveralone]

Hi. Just popped on quickly as I have to go in a minute. Thanks so much everyone, will check out Andy Stanley. And I do intend to talk to a pastor, but it is a bit weird at the moment. I was trying to avoid being too specific, but our pastor has moved to another church. The pastor in charge is in training, not ordained yet. He has only just started his training. He is very very good but I am not sure if he is the right one to talk to. There is the female pastor that I confided in before. I think I will talk to her, but I don't want to put her in a situation where she has no support. Our church has no real leader at the moment and I'm sure they have enough to deal with. I was hoping to wait for the new pastor to arrive, but I don't know when that will be. Anyway, will pray some more about that.

I just logged on to share that yesterday, the sermon was about sacrifice. The usual "be prepared to sacrifice anything if God asks - money, possessions.." then the preacher mentioned "friendships". He shared that he had recently been called by God to give up a friendship. He didn't go into detail, but it seemed from his language (avoiding "he" and saying "they" instead etc) that he was referring to a female friend. I don't know if that message was for us, but I really felt God was trying to get through to me/us there. I feel a great comfort now. Hard to explain. I was prepared to give this back to god and be patient a bit longer, but after reading the new posts, maybe I shouldn't. I will look at Andy Stanley today and pray some more. Thank you and God bless.

 

[tampasteve]

I managed to somehow pass the situation to God and move on. I haven't yet talked to a pastor or anyone.....

Anyway, the feelings came back again yesterday........

Having been in a similar situation is it possible that rather than "giving it to God" you rather suppressed the feelings and underlying issue and tried to pretend that it was OK? Perhaps thought "well, I am sure he stopped, if it happens again I'll confront him." But then it did happen again and you let it go. I did exactly the same thing several times. Confrontation is hard, especially without concrete evidence to drag out a confession of someone that is consistently lying, which he seems to be. Facebook does not randomly delete messages.

It would seem the Spirit nudged you to think that this was not an OK situation and back into action.

I have been there, thinking that they probably stopped. Thinking "well, I haven't caught her in a while, she probably stopped and things are good." You need to confront him again, if possible in a more direct manner. The relationship is clearly something he has trouble keeping within boundaries, clearly it leads him into sin - if that sin is just lying and deception, but it seems like more.

 

[YodaMama]

I agree completely, your husband's "relationship" with this female friend is wrong in so many ways! Someone mentioned having a meeting with your pastor to discuss it, which is perfect. Praying for your husband's eyes to be opened like the Lord has yours in this matter. The lady should not be in life without you and/or the kids present too!

 

[Iamneveralone]

Having been in a similar situation is it possible that rather than "giving it to God" you rather suppressed the feelings and underlying issue and tried to pretend that it was OK? Perhaps thought "well, I am sure he stopped, if it happens again I'll confront him." But then it did happen again and you let it go. I did exactly the same thing several times. Confrontation is hard, especially without concrete evidence to drag out a confession of someone that is consistently lying, which he seems to be. Facebook does not randomly delete messages.

It would seem the Spirit nudged you to think that this was not an OK situation and back into action.

I have been there, thinking that they probably stopped. Thinking "well, I haven't caught her in a while, she probably stopped and things are good." You need to confront him again, if possible in a more direct manner. The relationship is clearly something he has trouble keeping within boundaries, clearly it leads him into sin - if that sin is just lying and deception, but it seems like more.

Tampasteve I have thought about this and as much as I would like to think that I have achieved "giving the problem to God", which I have prayed so hard for, you are completely right. I have been burying my head in the sand, hence the gaps between my replies. I post something, then convince myself that God will sort it all, then a week or so later, the feelings just come back, and I'm here on this thread again. However if I confront him again (I will definitely be very direct if I do), if I don't have proof, he will lie.

Thank you YodaMama too and everyone else - the only option seems to be to talk to a pastor. Which I will do, but I'm not good at stuff like that, so please pray for that. Thank you.

 

[YodaMama]

Tampasteve I have thought about this and as much as I would like to think that I have achieved "giving the problem to God", which I have prayed so hard for, you are completely right. I have been burying my head in the sand, hence the gaps between my replies. I post something, then convince myself that God will sort it all, then a week or so later, the feelings just come back, and I'm here on this thread again. However if I confront him again (I will definitely be very direct if I do), if I don't have proof, he will lie.

Thank you YodaMama too and everyone else - the only option seems to be to talk to a pastor. Which I will do, but I'm not good at stuff like that, so please pray for that. Thank you.

Just a note of encouragement, but my husband had a "secret lie" as well until I found him out and sought counseling with him. When confronted by the counselor he admitted and got help. Had I done this by myself only excuses would have followed and no change.

 

[LinkH]

Maybe your husband thinks it is innocent, but it sounds dangerous to me. Even if he's not interested, she chould be. Or the way the relationship is going it could set them both up for temptation.

Why don't you tell him you don't want him hanging out with her unless you are around? You could tell her the same thing.

I suppose a rather shrewd approach would be to tell her husband your concerns, too. Short of that, you could invite them over as a couple. You could try to get you and her husband involved in their friendship. But you'd have to take his temperment into account. Pray first before making any of these decisions, ask God for wisdom. Don't depend on your own understanding.