i dont even really know what to say, i can't even put a finger on why im hurting as of right now as much as i am, i have latley been slipping really really far away from God, Hanging out with wrong crowd, cussing,touching yourself, inappropriate contentography(something i never do) i havent read the bible in like a month not even in church...i dont know what my problem is i just have slipped and at many points i dont even care i want to care but my heart just wont, my mind just wont, ive taken on this unconfortable coldness in my personality i havent even been on here much. i can't name where i went wrong and i can't put a finger on anything recently that went wrong to make me feel this way, it's not that i dont want to care i do, but what hurts and confuses me the most is that i want to care so much but i just dont and it gets me mad that i dont care that i dont care if that makes since. it's just like omygosh sitting here 11:30 at night in my room and feeling all alone, i dont feel confortable around anyone latley not even my church i go into the youth room and i wont talk i wont smile ive gotten to the point where i just wont listen, right now my eyes are tearing up but i wont cry i just wont because crying shows weakness and right now i can't let people know that i hurt because they'll wanna know why or what happen and i just dont have that info, i want all these things holding me back to go away but i dont know the first thing about letting them go, i prayed i tryed praying and it was heartfelt but i just dont feel the same anymore, it's like im wondering where the fire went? my lights burnt out and i dunno what to do about it, sunday i convinced myself that i did not want to be a christian cause having to be so perfect, worrying about perfection all the time wondering what happens if i befriend the wrong person, if i say the wrong thing, do the wrong things, having to constantly look over my shoulder or ask God if im doing the right thing or if whatim doing is right and it's like omygosh i just dont care, i do the things anyways and i HATE that about myself i hate myself right now, i feel dirty and gross and used and i hate this feeling, the feeling of not caring the feeling of i dunno, it scared me because i was like i dont need christianity God doesnt want anyone like me gosh jade your dirty look at the things you do God doesnt wanna touch you God doesnt wanna love you your useless and worthless and you dont deserve him and i just got to the point where i was like if this is what being a christian feels like then i dont want it, but i do, i wanna be on fire for God and i wanna be able to share my faith and i wanna grow in my walk but i feel like im back at square one if not worse and i hate this feeling im never felt so horribly discuisted at myself ever before in my life and what i figure is that if i hate myself to God must be hateing me the same way and i dunno im prolly confusing all of you but the pain is unbearable and i just dont know what to do anymore, tell me what do i do, i need prayer or anything that anyone can think that will help, inspiration, hope a little love cause right now i feel totally worthless. i hate this feeling.