How to talk about relationship houserules

[Ben232222]

Hello everyone,

I joined your community because I feel a bit embarrassed asking my friends for advice on this matter.

Some context which may be required: in my country, legal age of drinking soft alcoholics and going to parties is 16. My daughter (16) went to a party and I told her to be home by midnight. I went to bed at 23.00 and heard her come home a few minutes past midnight. Some time later I realised that she was not alone because I had to listen to very specific sounds...At 5 I heard him leave.

Now, this is extremely uncomfortable to me and I have so many emotions running through me. Should I tell her that I know what she did? or should I just generally restate that I dont allow other men to spend the night here? Do I punish her? Do I just ignore it?

Thank you for your help

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[Hazelelponi]

Are you a believing parent?

Fornication is a sin, and as a parent we teach right from wrong. God put a child into your hand, to raise up in His ways. Your responsibility is to God in this matter.

Obviously, it difficult for you to be the parent, but parent you must and at times that means telling your child no, just as you would tell your child not to run out into the street in traffic.

It's to protect them from harm, and while the world sees no harm in premarital sex, God does - and the harm is borne out in how emotionally disturbed this new young adult generation actually is.

Children, especially teenage children, need your guidance.

Now is the time to do it, and you just say it outright. That such things are not tolerated at her age, under your roof.

Put your foot down.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[Ben232222]

Are you a believing parent?

Fornication is a sin, and as a parent we teach right from wrong. God put a child into your hand, to raise up in His ways. Your responsibility is to God in this matter.

Obviously, it difficult for you to be the parent, but parent you must and at times that means telling your child no, just as you would tell your child not to run out into the street in traffic.

It's to protect them from harm, and while the world sees no harm in premarital sex, God does - and the harm is borne out in how emotionally disturbed this new young adult generation actually is.

Children, especially teenage children, need your guidance.

Now is the time to do it, and you just say it outright. That such things are not tolerated at her age, under your roof.

Put your foot down.

Thank you, I will have a talk with her.

 

[RaymondG]

When I was growing up, I would have been thrown out the house for this. But times are changing..... I was never allowed to go to parties......or be out the house after dark... When the sun is down....you better be around! But it is winter and the sun is down by 5pm! Best be in the house by 5pm then!

It was like this all the way until 17....when I rushed out the house to live on a college campus for four years. And guess what happened when I finally got on my own..............

I still had no desire to party or drink or fool around with girls.........because it wasnt in me...

Children will always do what they are told.......and if they arent told to do anything, they do what they want.......

You decide which path you would like your children to follow......and when they become adults they will seldom depart from it........ Or you can let them decide their own path in conjunction with their peers.

 

[Dave-W]

Children will always do what they are told.......and if they arent told to do anything, they do what they want.......

Agreed. But age 16 is about a decade too late on some of this stuff.

 

[RaymondG]

Agreed. But age 16 is about a decade too late on some of this stuff.

Yes, however, there are other readers who can also benefit from our comments......some may not be as far along as the OP.

And even for the OP......there is still hope.

 

[Dave-W]

Yes, however, there are other readers who can also benefit from our comments......some may not be as far along as the OP.

And even for the OP......there is still hope.

Indeed. I agree.

My statement is especially applicable to parents with their kids in grade school. Start talking about that stuff NOW.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

I would take her doctor ,and make sure she gets Birthcontrol right away. And make sure she takes it everyday. After you punish her. Most Christians I know have sex by 16 years. So she'll just sneak behind your back. Did you even know the boy? Or was this an one night stand?

 

[tonyj88]

Totally agree, and also check for any sexually transmitted disease to avoid complications later on. Not sure if you may want to set some house rules for her.

I would take her doctor ,and make sure she gets Birthcontrol right away. And make sure she takes it everyday. After you punish her. Most Christians I know have sex by 16 years. So she'll just sneak behind your back. Did you even know the boy? Or was this an one night stand?

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

Totally agree, and also check for any sexually transmitted disease to avoid complications later on. Not sure if you may want to set some house rules for her.

Yes sexually transmitted diseases is best to learn about.

 

[Dave-W]

Yes sexually transmitted diseases is best to learn about.

Agreed. Better to learn about them academically (and how to avoid them) than learn about them after the fact by having to treat one or more of them.

 

[RaymondG]

Agreed. Better to learn about them academically (and how to avoid them) than learn about them after the fact by having to treat one or more of them.

A thin line....... I was taught nothing about sex or stds growing up....and new almost nothing about them all the way through college.....and wasnt interested in it either.

Now Had I been told about it at a young age, and taught how I could do it safely.....maybe that would have been enough to make me interested in trying it out......

 

[JAM2b]

When my son, who is now 20, had sex with a girl in his bedroom at the age of 18, he was breaking rules. The rules were no sex, and when friends were over the bedroom door could not be shut. I noticed the door was closed, and I knocked. There was no answer but I heard them suddenly start talking frantically. I knocked one more time and opened the door. They were trying to put their clothes on.

At 18, my son knew that was not allowed. Having violated my house rules, even though he was 18, I confronted him about it.

At a certain point, legal or not, kids are going to make their own choices. But, as a family leader and homeowner/renter, you have the right and responsibility to set boundaries for what you will accept in your home. What you can do about it will vary based on your kids age. In my case there wasn't much, because he was grown and I am not a parent to force my kids out on the streets or couch surfing at friends homes regardless of how old they are (short of them harming someone). But the point was made, the boundary was insisted on, and they were very embarrassed. She was no longer allowed in my son's bedroom at all. They could have gone behind my back to do when I wasn't home or when they were elsewhere, but at least when I was there, they did not.

 

[Ben232222]

I would take her doctor ,and make sure she gets Birthcontrol right away. And make sure she takes it everyday. After you punish her. Most Christians I know have sex by 16 years. So she'll just sneak behind your back. Did you even know the boy? Or was this an one night stand?

Hey, sorry for the late reply. I took your advice, she is on birth control and we have talked again about the rules and our christian household. I have not know the boy, she said she consumed alcohol and that she just wanted a boy.

 

[Dave-W]

she just wanted a boy.

Indeed. I think most (if not all) of us remember how strong those desires were at that age.

That is how God made us to be.

 

[Dave-W]

Most Christians I know have sex by 16 years.

I do not doubt your statement at all. But do you have any stats on this?

I did a bit of looking and found that according to a 2018 Barna survey, all age groups (elder, boomer, genX, millenials, genZ) came in at about 20% saying that premarital sex was wrong.

 

[RaymondG]

Most Christians I know have sex by 16 years.

I do not doubt your statement at all. But do you have any stats on this?

Like I said before, I didnt even think about getting busy in any form until I was around 25..(and Im not using "getting busy" to be respectful....this is how i talk because it is still awkward to use this language because Ive never heard it growing up).

So I would assume that all christians waited to mid twenties or until they got married to "sow their wild oats?".... But this guess is just as unwise as the assumption that all Christians have sex before 16........But of course, My assumptions would hold the religion to a better light......it would be counterproductive to repeat the former as some normality.

These are all subjective and depends on the homes you are raised in, mostly, and should not be used to blanket a group of people.

 

[Dave-W]

These are all subjective and depends on the homes you are raised in, mostly, and should not be used to blanket a group of people.

Barna does his research primarily on self identified evangelical christians.