How to support a gay child?

[Rose_Water]

Hi everyone I'm new here. I live in the UK with my husband and his son, my stepson. We been married for 4 years but his son has only been in our lives for the past year when he came to live with us at 11. He is now 12. Like everyone he has his good traits and his bad traits. He was incredibly sweet, obedient and kind when he came but since then had been increasingly difficult which I put down to puberty.

He told us he had a boyfriend a few months ago and things have been difficult since then. Unlike the majority in the UK I still think homosexuality is a sin. From a moral point of view I don't agree with it but I respect the law and think everyone has a right to live with freedom. Also people in the UK tend to be incredibly liberal so the rules we put in place for my stepson seem harsh to him and he rebels against them. For example since he is only 12 we forbade him from dating at all but he just went behind our backs. He put himself in dangerous positions and is lucky not to be in more trouble than he is.

I don't know how to support a child who thinks he is gay, do you have any advice? What rules would you think are fair in regards to dating etc? If any parents are on the UK here who could advise that would also be helpful!

 

[Non sequitur]

I'd try to separate the 'child' and 'gay' parts and address/treat them separately.

This way your disagreement about homosexuality is irrelevant, in regards to general parenting. The fewer points of contention (regardless of whether they are valid from his point of view or not) the better.

What are some of the liberal rules in place for your stepson? Are they specifically related to homosexuality?

 

[musicalpilgrim]

Hi everyone I'm new here. I live in the UK with my husband and his son, my stepson. We been married for 4 years but his son has only been in our lives for the past year when he came to live with us at 11.

Hi Rose Water, welcome to the forum, in Jesus name, it is a great place to be.
You will find Christian fellowship and people to pray and give advice from the Bible.
I pray that the Lord will bless your family and make himself real to you.
May you feel his presence today

 

[Hieronymus]

Boy, am i glad i don't have kids in these crazy times...
I admire people who do.

But i would hope you love the child regardless of his 'preferences', but try to talk about it from a Biblical / your view point, like why you are convinced it may be a problem in the greater scheme of things, and hopefully you can get to learn why the kid has this preference.
Maybe let him think about what homosexuality actually entails, like sodomy for example..

The trend of young gays (if it is a trend) may well have to do with traces of oestrogen in the tap water...
Who knows?

 

[YesMe]

This is a difficult subject, have you tried talking with him about God?

 

[Rose_Water]

I'd try to separate the 'child' and 'gay' parts and address/treat them separately.

This way your disagreement about homosexuality is irrelevant, in regards to general parenting. The fewer points of contention (regardless of whether they are valid from his point of view or not) the better.

What are some of the liberal rules in place for your stepson? Are they specifically related to homosexuality?

Our rules are not so liberal when compared to his friends. Most are allowed to date, sleepover etc

• We do not allow him to date but even if it was a girl I think he'd be too young. So that is a rule independent of his sexuality.
• Naturally, we can't let him go to sleepovers. I wouldn't let a girl of 12 go to sleepovers with boys and since he likes boys...

 

[Rose_Water]

Hi Rose Water, welcome to the forum, in Jesus name, it is a great place to be.
You will find Christian fellowship and people to pray and give advice from the Bible.
I pray that the Lord will bless your family and make himself real to you.
May you feel his presence today

Thank you so much musicalpilgrim!

 

[Rose_Water]

This is a difficult subject, have you tried talking with him about God?

He believes in God (I think) and will happily go to church with us most Sundays.
He doesn't think being gay is wrong - we didn't raise him so I feel like he's grown up just thinking it is fine.

 

[Dawnhammer]

Unlike the majority in the UK I still think homosexuality is a sin. From a moral point of view I don't agree with it

How can anyone's God given sexual orientation be a matter of morality?

How about just using your morality and love the kid and give him affection and care they all crave at that age.

 

[Non sequitur]

Our rules are not so liberal when compared to his friends. Most are allowed to date, sleepover etc

• We do not allow him to date but even if it was a girl I think he'd be too young. So that is a rule independent of his sexuality.
• Naturally, we can't let him go to sleepovers. I wouldn't let a girl of 12 go to sleepovers with boys and since he likes boys...

I'm not aware of any parents who allow 12 year-old's to sleepover, with those they would be sexually attracted to.

Honestly, I don't know what a 12 year-old "date" would look like. My best friends' child "dated" someone when they were 13 or 14, but I think it was merely a label.

When he asked what did "dating" meant, they were only able to muster something about really liking each other; nothing about the nuances of actual dating (commitment, etc). This "dating" people occurred several more times, but the term and actions didn't have any significant meaning.

He also found out his son told someone he was bisexual, a few years ago. Now he's not. Seemed just like a child going through phases, and finding labels, of determining who they are.

Sounds like you are in a tough place, though.

Is your husband supportive of you?
Are you both on the same page, as far as rearing him?
Does he believe your rules are solely because he says he is gay?
Have you had any conversations about him being gay (and whatever that entails)?

 

[Rose_Water]

How can anyone's God given sexual orientation be a matter of morality?

How about just using your morality and love the kid and give him affection and care they all crave at that age.

I believe the bible says it is a sin. And before anyone says just the act is a sin - I don't think my stepson is th celibate kind.

 

[Hank77]

I believe the bible says it is a sin. And before anyone says just the act is a sin - I don't think my stepson is th celibate kind.

I think your rules in post #6 are appropriate. Stick with your guns about that.

 

[Rose_Water]

I'm not aware of any parents who allow 12 year-old's to sleepover, with those they would be sexually attracted to.

Honestly, I don't know what a 12 year-old "date" would look like. My best friends' child "dated" someone when they were 13 or 14, but I think it was merely a label.

When he asked what did "dating" meant, they were only able to muster something about really liking each other; nothing about the nuances of actual dating (commitment, etc). This "dating" people occurred several more times, but the term and actions didn't have any significant meaning.

He also found out his son told someone he was bisexual, a few years ago. Now he's not. Seemed just like a child going through phases, and finding labels, of determining who they are.

Sounds like you are in a tough place, though.

Is your husband supportive of you?
Are you both on the same page, as far as rearing him?
Does he believe your rules are solely because he says he is gay?
Have you had any conversations about him being gay (and whatever that entails)?

Usually in the UK it just means they hang out together in their friendship groups. Maybe going to the cinema together but mainly it is a status thing; you get to tell your friends you have a girlfriend or boyfriend. There are children who have sex at that age though.

My husband and I are mostly on the same page. He really hopes it is just a phase along with his behaviour. My stepson and my husband argue a lot and don't really get on most of the time.

My stepson does think the rules are unfair but he blames them on his dad. He told me about the boy he wanted to date rather than being gay, it was an older boy I thought he rather hero worshipped. It would not have been appropriate for him to date him at 12. My husband told him honestly he wasn't going to date anyone yet. He just went behind our back and in an argument with my husband said he'd had oral sex with him. I'm not sure if I believe that but it is worrying.

 

[Dawnhammer]

I believe the bible says it is a sin. And before anyone says just the act is a sin - I don't think my stepson is th celibate kind.

Aren't you supposed to love sinners ? I believe that was mentioned in the Bible time or two.

 

[Rose_Water]

Aren't you supposed to love sinners ? I believe that was mentioned in the Bible time or two.

Yes of course and I do. I am a sinner myself. Homosexuality isn't the only sin. It is just that today something that was once so commonly believed is not anymore. One of our politicians (Liberal Democrats) stepped down due to his Christian beliefs. It feels like it is not acceptable to be Christian and believe anything the bible says in the UK.

 

[Dawnhammer]

It feels like it is not acceptable to be Christian and believe anything the bible says in the UK.

Yeah, damn progress. What happened to good old times when you could burn old women with mental problems as witches?

 

[hedrick]

I'm not a parent, so maybe I'm not qualified, but I have worked with kids that age at Church. I'm concerned about not letting him get close to anyone for fear of developing a gay relationship. Whether he ends up being gay or not, he's a guy. Having a best friend, and hanging out with other guys is pretty important. If you try to cut him off from that, he'll be miserable and he'll blame you or rebel. It's hard to imagine good coming out of it.

At least in the suburban US where I teach, there's a big difference between 12 and 16. Generally "date" doesn't have the same meaning. But he'll be 16 at some point. My guess is that if you try to keep him from spending time with other kids you won't be able to keep him from having sex, but you will be able to keep him from developing healthy relationships with other kids.

 

[Non sequitur]

Usually in the UK it just means they hang out together in their friendship groups. Maybe going to the cinema together but mainly it is a status thing; you get to tell your friends you have a girlfriend or boyfriend. There are children who have sex at that age though.

My husband and I are mostly on the same page. He really hopes it is just a phase along with his behaviour. My stepson and my husband argue a lot and don't really get on most of the time.

My stepson does think the rules are unfair but he blames them on his dad. He told me about the boy he wanted to date rather than being gay, it was an older boy I thought he rather hero worshipped. It would not have been appropriate for him to date him at 12. My husband told him honestly he wasn't going to date anyone yet. He just went behind our back and in an argument with my husband said he'd had oral sex with him. I'm not sure if I believe that but it is worrying.

I'd try my best not to bring him being gay into any scenario. At his age, and previous background of not living with you two, it seems it would do more harm than good.

If it's a phase, all you can really do is wait it out. If it's genuine, I don't think you can convince someone that how they feel about things is wrong. Especially something as nuanced as emotions, and at 12.

If his interpretation of homosexuality is different than yours, I don't think a theological discussion with a 12 year-old will get you anywhere. Maybe at a later date?

You and he would probably best be served by just treating him as a 12 year-old acting like a 12 year-old, with all the standard rules that comes with it. I can't see him thinking he is gay warranting anything different.

Sometimes parents have to pick and choose their battles, and when it's best they occur.

 

[hedrick]

One other issue that no one has mentioned. I know this is going to be hard for a parent who doesn’t want their kid to be gay. But a kid who is or thinks they may be gay is at serious risk for bullying and other problems. Furthermore, what we call in the US middle school age (10 - 14) is just about the worst age to be different. He’s right in the middle of that range.

You may think that because many people are pushing acceptance of gays this means a kid who thinks he may be gay won’t have issues. But at least in the US this is not necessarily the case. At that age anything that makes a kid different can lead to teasing and bullying. And kids that age are more sensitive to it than older ones. Being gay is high on the list of things that make you different. Just because many people think it’s OK doesn’t mean the bullies do.

I’d urge you to talk with him regularly, without judging him, to see what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling, and what’s going on. Gay kids (or kids that others think might be gay, even if it’s not true) are likely to need more support. In addition to emotional support from parents — which is certainly critical — research shows that support from friends is really important to people who are getting teased or bullied.

 

[Rose_Water]

I'm not a parent, so maybe I'm not qualified, but I have worked with kids that age at Church. I'm concerned about not letting him get close to anyone for fear of developing a gay relationship. Whether he ends up being gay or not, he's a guy. Having a best friend, and hanging out with other guys is pretty important. If you try to cut him off from that, he'll be miserable and he'll blame you or rebel. It's hard to imagine good coming out of it.

At least in the suburban US where I teach, there's a big difference between 12 and 16. Generally "date" doesn't have the same meaning. But he'll be 16 at some point. My guess is that if you try to keep him from spending time with other kids you won't be able to keep him from having sex, but you will be able to keep him from developing healthy relationships with other kids.

Thank you for your advice. Here, children go to highschool at that age (11-16).
There is a big difference between the youngest and the oldest and while friendships are in each other's year sometimes they go across years. The boy he liked was 16.