How to stop putting myself down?

[LovebirdsFlying]

I've tried reminding myself that God doesn't make junk, and when I say something bad about myself, I'm criticizing His creation.

I've tried making it a policy not to say anything to myself that I couldn't comfortably say to a child.

I've tried asking myself if I would say that to a friend who made the same mistake.

I've tried asking myself if I would put up with somebody else saying that to me.

But when I make a mistake, when I don't do something perfectly the first time every time, all of that reasoning flies out the window. It's especially bad if I keep messing up, and have to try again several times. Would I say that to a friend, or a child? Of course not. Other people don't deserve it... but my brain thinks it's OK to say those things to me. Yes, even if somebody else said it to me, I'd probably just put up with it.

In my younger days, the other kids would tell me I was mentally challenged. (That's not how they worded it. I'm giving it a tactful translation.) As for the adults, if they weren't busy making negative predictions about how I was going to turn out when I grew up, they were finding fault with the things I did accomplish, and telling me how it didn't count for much in the real world.

Which brings us to today. When it takes me three tries to back into my space, even with a stupid *parking camera* in my car, I find myself automatically thinking those people were right about me. I try balancing it out by also saying something good... but that's the hardest of all, and it's only becoming more difficult to come up with something.

 

[Solomons Porch]

I once heard a pastor say to add this to the end of every sentence you speak: AND THATS THE WAY I WANT IT

After awhile you stop yourself before you speak it or think it because truth is, thats NOT what we want. Life and death is in the power of the tongue.

 

[jimmyjimmy]

I've tried reminding myself that God doesn't make junk, and when I say something bad about myself, I'm criticizing His creation.

I've tried making it a policy not to say anything to myself that I couldn't comfortably say to a child.

I've tried asking myself if I would say that to a friend who made the same mistake.

I've tried asking myself if I would put up with somebody else saying that to me.

But when I make a mistake, when I don't do something perfectly the first time every time, all of that reasoning flies out the window. It's especially bad if I keep messing up, and have to try again several times. Would I say that to a friend, or a child? Of course not. Other people don't deserve it... but my brain thinks it's OK to say those things to me. Yes, even if somebody else said it to me, I'd probably just put up with it.

In my younger days, the other kids would tell me I was mentally challenged. (That's not how they worded it. I'm giving it a tactful translation.) As for the adults, if they weren't busy making negative predictions about how I was going to turn out when I grew up, they were finding fault with the things I did accomplish, and telling me how it didn't count for much in the real world.

Which brings us to today. When it takes me three tries to back into my space, even with a stupid *parking camera* in my car, I find myself automatically thinking those people were right about me. I try balancing it out by also saying something good... but that's the hardest of all, and it's only becoming more difficult to come up with something.

It's pride.

True humility is not thinking less of yourself. It's thinking of yourself less. - C.S. Lewis (I think)

Great book: The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness: The Path to True Christian Joy: Timothy Keller: 9781906173418: Amazon.com: Books

 

[Tigger45]

You know what? Life is too short, you deserve better and God wants 'better' for you. Its time to pull out all the stops. You are just human we all make mistakes and you've reinforced negative narratives about you. I know I do the same thing. You need to break this negative thinking pattern by replacing it with positive affirmations. As soon as you think or say anything negative things immediately replace them with 'multiple' positive ones. I don't care if it's the same thing over and over it just has to be positive. Don't even let yourself think negative about your positive affirmations. Let's just replace a bad habit with a good one.

 

[paul1149]

I've tried reminding myself that ...

I've tried making it a policy not to say anything to myself that ...

I've tried asking myself if I would ...

I've tried asking myself if I would ...

In each of these four methods, you are reasoning with yourself, trying to change your own behavior. You're actually trying to train the flesh, which doesn't work. When the trial comes, you quite naturally fall back on more deeply embedded behaviors and attitudes.

I would recommend a different approach. Instead of trying to change yourself, treat the unwanted thoughts as the thrusts of a separate and external enemy. Consider Paul's statement to Titus:

For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men,
teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age,
looking for that blessed hope and the glorious appearing of the great God who is our Savior Jesus Christ, -Titus 2:11-13​

Most of the translations render it "denying ungodliness". I don't care for that much. Some say, "renouncing ungodliness", which is better. But a few have the best rendering, "saying No to ungodliness".

I prefer that because the underlying Greek word is related to Rhema, which is the spoken word. "Renouncing" is at least verbal, but it can be the written word, or logos. It can be thought of as "we have a policy about that, yes, we have renounced that". That's nice, but sometimes not enough. But bringing out the spoken aspect of the verb emphasizes the real-time, face-to-face nature the denial must sometimes take on when the battle gets real.

When an ungodly thought comes on, you can say No! That is not who I am! to it. Ungodly thoughts can be temptations to do wrong, or they can attack who we are in Christ. Know that this is an attack from the dark side, whether actively so or whether it's from residue hanging around in your flesh from an earlier time. But as soon as you treat it as from an external source - which it truly is, since you're a new creature in Christ Jesus, and these thoughts are not from your spirit-man - and refuse it admission, you have pushed the problem outside of your city walls, where it will be much easier to deal with. You already have won, actually, and only need to defend a city with closed gates. And every time you hold fast it is a victory. You get stronger and the enemy gets weaker.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

A lot of good answers so far.

I volunteer at our church's food bank and clothing closet. Today I had some trouble getting off the ground. It was just one of those days where little things kept going wrong. I was running late, and I almost didn't want to go. I was thinking maybe things were going wrong because God doesn't want me doing this. It's not what He meant for me. But Hubby told me the opposite, that it was the devil playing games, and advised me to not give in. So I called the supervisor and assured her I was on my way--and after that, I *had* to go in, because now I was committed. Got in the car, drove there, and once I was there, little things stopped going wrong. So I guess it really was the devil. Things were pretty good until I got back home and did such a lousy job trying to back into my parking space. Then I was just all insult. Things I would never say to someone else. I'm so patient with other people's mistakes... and so harsh with my own.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

What helped me ...God's Word.
Hide it in your heart.
Renew your mind on it regularly.
I heard plenty bad stuff said to me growing up around a racists people.
God's Word is what I sought time after time.
Keep a Bible in your car, purse etc so you can easily renew your mind
and meditate on The Word, let it sink deep inside you...Believe it.

 

[GandalfTheWise]

A number of years ago, every time I'd look in the mirror I'd think to myself, "you loser". God didn't address this directly, but did a lot of work in my life that this completely disappeared without me directly addressing it.

I went through something like this though not the same exact issue. I'd phrase it this way. There is the person that God wants you to be. The enemy knows that and hates it. The enemy will lie to us about who we are to keep us from becoming what God wants. At times when we are young and weak and vulnerable, those lies will come in from different directions and become part of who we think we are. For me, two of these lies were "you don't know what you're doing" and "you're not a real man." It was so embedded as part of me, I really didn't even realize it was there. The reality is that 10 years ago, I'd probably have never participated on a forum like CF let alone write up the tomes I do now. At most, I'd have done a few "feel good" pats on the back here and there and stated non-controversial things to make sure people liked me.

When I was in my mid 40s, God put me out in a figurative desert. All opportunities for ministry involvement vanished and I got a boss that shoved me in a corner. All the stuff I'd made my identity around were taken away. God forced me in front of the mirror and I really had no idea who I was. I just know that the person in the mirror was about the only child of God in the world that I wouldn't encourage and help. It was like I was unable to treat myself in the same positive manner I treated others. One thing God did was started to show me who He meant me to be. (Another post, a long story). A second thing God did was show me lies I was believing about myself.

The issue with lies that are embedded deeply into our hearts is that they do not come out by reasoning with them. No amount of trying to convince me why I should have confidence or that I was a man via either reason or scripture would have had much effect. I just had to wake up to the fact it was a lie, realize it was, and just utterly reject.

One night, I couldn't sleep and was sitting up thinking and praying. I felt like God wanted to take my attention back to something that had happened to me in high school. It was something rather traumatic that I just never bothered to think about much. I had forgiven the person involved. I was on the football team. I had a coach who (I realized in hindsight) was trying to get me to quit so he'd ride me pretty hard. We had helmets that didn't fit quite right and anytime I'd get a hard blow to the face mask, it would tilt down, hit my glasses, and sometimes give me a bloody nose. One day due to weather we were practicing inside, doing some sort of tackling drill. I got hit in the face and a nosebleed started. At this point, the coach started yelling at me, grabbing my face mask, and shouting and cussing in my face about how I wasn't doing it right (I still remember his spit in my face from it) and how I'd have to keep doing it until I got it right, and then didn't let me cycle out but basically left me in the drill and let everyone get free shots at me. At some point, I was crying, blood streaming out both nostrils and running into my mouth and down the front of my jersey. We were inside the gym that day so it seemed like all the girls on the volleyball team and cheerleading squad were looking in as well. I felt completely on display and alone for what felt like forever. It was the last time I cried in public for decades. Anyway, for some reason God wanted me to go back to that event. I just sort of sat there recalling it not sure why. Then I felt like God said, "do you want to see how I saw it?". What happened next wasn't any type of vision but more like daydreaming. It was like I was remembering the event again but slightly differently. In the middle of the drill, it was like I finally lifted my head up with a sudden flash of insight and shouted, "I do too know what I'm doing! I'm getting bloody noses because you are teaching me wrong! It's your fault!" I then realized what a coward the coach was hiding behind his authority to have all my friends (and not-friends) beat up on me for him. I stood in rage and when I turned to face the coach, I didn't see him but a black shadow laughing at me. I'm not a person who uses profanity (even mentally), but out of the depths of my being and before I could think, the words "go to h---" simply spilled out at it. I then had this realization that I had stood there getting physically and emotionally pounded on, and took everything a football team and coach had to dish out and was still standing there. In that instant, something changed inside me. Those lies that had been embedded so deeply inside me simply vanished away. I felt like a weight (that I was unaware of) lifted off. It was like I woke up to the idea that yes I do know what I'm doing and yes I am a real man. Within a few weeks, my wife and kids noticed a difference in me. I also realized, that for the first time in nearly 30 years, I could cry again.

Now nothing changed about the actual event. It's not like the coach was occultish or anything, just a grade A jerk. However, this event was one of many that had pushed the idea very hard into my head that I didn't know what I was doing and that I wasn't a man. By having me see it in a different light, God showed me it was a lie in such a way that my heart completely rejected this lie in an instant.

Years ago, I spent some time on a Christian forum (now closed) where many people had similar testimonies about lies that had been a deep part of their lives. Now, by no means is this a panacea that solves every ill or sin or issue. But, I think that some people do have lies that they believe about themselves that affect them deeply. God wants to shine His light onto those things and reveal them for what they are. It seems there are different ways He does this. In the time since, I've run across similar testimonies scattered in a wide range of places. I had never really noticed them before.

Now (whether right or wrong), I have this tendency to wonder whenever I hear someone consistently say something about themselves (in exactly the same phrasing and manner) that I know isn't true, if there isn't some sort of lie deeply embedded in their heart that is creating bondage and keeping them from being who God meant them to be. A few I've heard from close friends of mine are "No man could ever love me." "I'm so stupid." "I'm clumsy." I'm never sure what to do, because it seems no amount of words, scripture, or wisdom, or any attempt to deal with the rational mind has much effect on these things. I'm also not sure how to easily explain my experience in a terse simple manner without coming across as advocating weird meditation techniques. I think God has different ways of doing this for different people.

Anyway, long post here. It's something that had a profound impact on my life and it doesn't seem to be something that people talk about very much.

 

[LoricaLady]

I don't know but I'm wondering if you are giving it a few shots at altering your thoughts, and then when you don't see a big change, you despair. The Bible says, as you seem to understand, "The weapons of our warfare are not worldly, but mighty to the destroying of strrongholds, casting down vain imagination and every thing that exalts itself against" YHWH, aka God.

We all have to fight vain imaginations, not just mental put downs. But a stronghold is...strong. You need to fight it with toughness and consistency. The devil ain't gonna give up his ground, his STRONGhold, of put downs in your mind without a major fight. In fact, even if it seems you have won for awhile, you can count on it, he'll come back - but at least you will be a more practiced and wiser and stronger warrior at that time.

You're in a major battle. Fighting well takes practice.

Singing praise songs, as soon as what I call "junk thoughts" come, can help. Quoting Bible verses can help. But it's not a temporary fix. It has to be a life style and it will bring you far more benefits than just freedom from self accusations.

 

[lastofall]

[for me anyway] we actually are supposed to be critical of ourselves and take a lowly view of ourselves: free from pride and arrogance; humbleness of mind; a modest estimate of our own worth. Humility consists in lowliness of mind; a deep sense of one's own unworthiness in the sight of God, self-abasement, penitence for sin, and submission to the divine will, Humility is the greatest virtue of a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ. It is He the Lord Jesus that must increase; and it is we who are to decrease.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I am exactly the same way. When I do something well, I attribute it to luck or chance, but when I make a mistake, I tell myself it's because I'm stupid or incompetent. It's due to being emotionally abused for years, being told I was stupid on a regular basis.

It's really hard to change the self-talk and reframe thoughts. I know it can be done, as other people have successfully done it, but it takes a lot of work and effort, positive affirmations, etc. Being around people who support you can help to build your confidence. It's an uphill battle if those close to you are not supportive.

 

[turkle]

We all have beliefs about ourselves, like looping tapes, that repeat what we and others have told us about ourselves. Those tapes embed deeply into the subconscious, making it seem impossible to change. But it only seems that way. We need new information to override the old.

That is done through positive affirmations based upon scripture. If you google "who am I in Christ" you will find lots of lists of scripture that tells us how God sees us. I encourage you to memorize these scriptures, and repeat them to yourself when you have these negative thoughts. The more you tell yourself the truth, the more you will believe them. Put on the armor of God several times a day, reject the negative self talk and replace it with truth. Over time, God's word will sink in to your subconscious so that you are no longer living in and believing the lies of the enemy. You are a child of God. Reeducate your mind to believe His Word.

 

[Sketcher]

What are some sincere compliments people have given you that you can reinforce?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

What are some sincere compliments people have given you that you can reinforce?

Good question. It's hard for me to grasp compliments because I tend to tell myself they don't mean it; they're just saying it to be polite. So a thousand compliments will go in one ear and out the other, while the one slightly rude or critical remark will hit its target and stay there forever.

One thing that has helped, I can apply to the anxiety about driving that I've been working to overcome. At its core is the fear of being judged. I envision the people behind me getting impatient, honking their horns, and yelling obscenities out the windows. It's nowhere near going to happen, but it's what I can just see in my mind, if I take longer than half a second to go when the light turns green. If I don't check that fear, I'll find myself speeding and not being cautious, because I want to get out of their way. My son-in-law has battled the same problem and tells me he repeats to himself in a calm soothing voice, "You don't have to hurry. You don't have to hurry." I tried it, and it helps. I've become so used to people telling me to hurry up and quit being so slow, that telling myself I *don't* have to hurry is a change. If I'm going exactly the speed limit, and somebody wants to zoom past me like I'm sitting up on blocks, that's their problem. Most of the time, they end up directly beside me at the next red light, anyway.

I think fear of being judged might be what's behind all of the self-downing. I say to myself, basically, what others have said to me. I have internalized their messages.

I had a similar problem earlier this evening, when I was putting an allergy cover on a queen-sized mattress. It's not the kind that goes on like a fitted sheet. It's the kind that slides on and covers all sides, like a giant pillow case, and then zips closed. I didn't want to wait for my husband to come home and help me with it, because he'd be tired and cranky. So I got it on by myself, but I struggled, and I was angry with myself for not doing it effortlessly. As a survivor of child abuse (not merely "discipline" but "abuse") I have it in my head that if I make a mistake, I deserve punishment. I can't seem to find any virtue in sticking with it and persevering, that old saying about "try and try again," because my head is telling me I should have done it right the first time.

 

[Sketcher]

Good question. It's hard for me to grasp compliments because I tend to tell myself they don't mean it; they're just saying it to be polite. So a thousand compliments will go in one ear and out the other, while the one slightly rude or critical remark will hit its target and stay there forever.

There have to be a few that you keep hearing over and over again from the people that love you most, and from others.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

There have to be a few that you keep hearing over and over again from the people that love you most, and from others.

Most likely so, but I will have to think about it because I don't easily retain it. The compliment I hear most often is "smart." But then it gets canceled out just as often (as in, "you're smart in some ways, but not where it really counts in life," or "if you were all that smart, you would have been able to figure it out for yourself,") so I probably need to come up with a different one.

"Funny" and "clever way with words" comes up a lot.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Reviewing some of the answers. I notice Paul's "No. That's not who I am," could be something I can repeat to myself, much like my son-in-law's "I don't have to hurry." I can add, humorously, "And that's the way I want it," in some cases. You're all giving me good suggestions. Thank you.

 

[paul1149]

"No. That's not who I am," could be something I can repeat to myself,

As soon as you do that you've extricated yourself from the problem. Instead of putting more focus and pressure on yourself, the problem is now external and you can resist it cleanly. And as you do so you are also affirming who you are in Christ. It's a double-whammy against the devil, and it's very effective.

As for compliments, they're nice, but the ultimate compliment, and one which is not subject to shifting moods and will never be taken away, is that Christ thought it worth dying on the cross in order to bring you back into full fellowship with the Father. That's astonishing love (Rom 8; 1Jn 4), and the measure of your worth in His eyes.

Satan is the slanderer, the accuser of the brethren (Rev 12.10). Our warfare is against him (2Cor 10). We need to recognize that. And we need to be aware of his schemes and tactics against us (2Cor 2.11). So don't give him any entrance (Eph 4.27). Say No, and keep saying it until you prevail. Proverbs says to guard the heart, for out of it come the issues of life (4.23). And James tells to resist the devil, and he will flee (4.7).

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

So, today's adventures in self-downing:

As I was getting ready to leave the resource center (what our church calls the food bank/clothes closet) I got a call from my husband. He told me he did, in his words, "something stupid," which if I had said that about myself, would probably have been seen as self-downing. I may or may not mention that to him. Also relevant, if he had said it about something I did, I would very likely have been hurt.

The trouble was, he had accidentally dropped his set of keys into a bucket of water. I don't know what he was doing when that happened. His pickup truck is old-school, everything manual rather than electronic, but the car is new. He bought it for me, and he also has a key. It was on his keychain when it got dropped into the water. Ordinarily, he would have been gone to work before I got home. He needed me to meet up with him so he could test the key and see if the electronic parts still work. (They appear to.)

We decided on the post office parking lot. So as I parked there to wait for him, I looked out my driver's side mirror, and then out the window and didn't see any white line. Was I straddling it? I'm pretty bad at parking the first time. It often takes me two or three tries to get centered. So I back out, and try again. Still no white line. I call myself all kinds of nasty names, back out, and try a third time. Still no white line, but hey, if I go any farther toward the passenger side, I'm going to rub the tires up against the curb. So I got out of the car to check the situation. Turned out it wasn't me. That painted white line was so faded, I couldn't have seen it. I had parked just fine the first time.

When I got home, I told myself out loud that I owed myself an apology. It also occurred to me that there is no commandment in the Bible that says, "Thou shalt park perfectly." If Jesus isn't judging me about it, why should I judge myself?

For those who don't know, I'm still relatively new at driving. I never got a chance to learn when I was younger, so I'm playing catch-up now.