How to pick a church after marriage?

[CCHIPSS]

Many Christian couples go to different churches. How do you guys pick a church after you guys get married? And how do you even talk about this without major arguments and "attacking" each other's churches and members?

Background:

Currently I go to a Seeker Sensitive church. We follow after the likes of Andy Stanley and Pete Scazzero.

My GF goes to a church that is Calvinist. They follow after the likes of John Piper and Mark Dever.

There are major theological difference between the two. Long story short:

Her church worries that my church is "watering down" the Gospel message, too much focus on helping the widows & orphans and not enough deep theology teaching.

My church worries that her church is so focused on sin and correcting sin, that they forget about the love from God and our need to love even the least of these.

 

[Radrook]

Whatever effective strategy you both used before marriage in order to keep your relationship working keep using it now.

 

[JoeP222w]

I find nowhere in the Bible that calls for "Seeker Sensitive" churches. Quite the opposite:

Romans 3:10-11 as it is written: "None is righteous, no, not one; (11) no one understands; no one seeks for God.

Christian churches are for believers in Jesus Christ, and for those who seek to obey Him by His grace because they love Him, and seek to follow His truth from His inerrant word of the Bible. It is a false dichotomy to say that to seek to obey Jesus by His grace excludes love and grace. The Christian is to be an active member in the church that teaches Biblical truth without compromise, which includes love, mercy and grace. They are not mutually exclusive.

If you both don't seek the truth of God in His love and grace, then why are you getting married?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Are you both married yet? If not then you both should have a serious talk about views as christians. Its perhaps the most important conversation because it can quickly cause issues once married. You may be equally yoked in the Lord, but your unequally yolked in views.

First three woman I was with (not married) we should have talked more before dating/fiance. First woman said she was christian and seemed to agree with all my views. Turned out she really didn't know if she was a christian or not. She mixed her native american "religion" with christianity. The next one was from a deep south baptist. Things didn't work well either. Next one was a pentecostal who believed some pretty harsh things and complained I wasn't christian because of various issues. Last girl, my wife was from another country but her church seemed to pretty much be a non-nondenominational type. We worked great together.

Anyways... its important you talk to her about this because it will disrupt your lives. You may never find a church that you can agree to and might end up going to your own separate churches. Which is not good as a christian couple. And if/when you have kids, there will be fights about what they should learn growing up.

Going by what you said there are already issues. Unless someone is willing to change denominations it will not end well.

 

[archer75]

Why don't you go to each other's churches sometime and consider that the different focuses may help you both? Is that possible?

Alternate Sundays, do different volunteer or group things with both groups...

 

[Jane_Doe]

Many Christian couples go to different churches. How do you guys pick a church after you guys get married? And how do you even talk about this without major arguments and "attacking" each other's churches and members?

Background:

Currently I go to a Seeker Sensitive church. We follow after the likes of Andy Stanley and Pete Scazzero.

My GF goes to a church that is Calvinist. They follow after the likes of John Piper and Mark Dever.

There are major theological difference between the two. Long story short:

Her church worries that my church is "watering down" the Gospel message, too much focus on helping the widows & orphans and not enough deep theology teaching.

My church worries that her church is so focused on sin and correcting sin, that they forget about the love from God and our need to love even the least of these.

More then "where do we go on Sunday", you need to focus on what each of your individual beliefs are. What is really important to her and to you: what is the same, what is different. What do you want to teach your future children? Ideally, you come to a common decision and faith, and go from there (including picking a church).

It is possible to do a mixed faith marriage, but that is not the ideal. I'm in one myself. If you want, I can talk about the +'s & -'s about that.

 

[Wolf_Says]

Talking about religion is a serious thing, before and after you are married. You two must sit down, and this can take days, weeks, months, w/e, and continue to lay it out and see what will work best for you.

Case in point, my wife was raised non-denominational, I was raised Catholic. We both had worries about religion when we first met, and after attending my church with me for a few months, she decided to convert.

Luckily for me, that worked out, but still has caused some concern where her family is involved and after we have children. It will always been a thing and is just something you will have to accept and work through.

Will it be hard? Yup, will feelings get hurt? Oh yes, but it is something that should be done if you are in it for the long haul.

The best advice I can give you, is look at what each of your faiths teach, and write them out side by side, and then start comparing it to the bible. You may decide that 1 church fits better than the other, or neither fit and go off looking for a new denomination.

Only time will tell.

 

[seeking.IAM]

Another solution I have seen when loyalties are divided is to seek out neutral turf. I have seen it work for some. While on one level it seems like "nobody wins," if a third church can be found that both agree on "everybody wins."

That said, I think it is quite possible to have a good marriage where people disagree especially if both are willing to respect the individuality of the other and tolerate differences. My wife and I have similar faith backgrounds and similar faith values, but different practices. She has turned away from the institutional church for reasons of her own, but I continue regular and frequent church involvement for reasons of my own. I miss her in church with me, but tolerate her individual decision as she tolerates mine. It has worked for us for a long time because we don't allow it to divide us.

 

[CCHIPSS]

I find nowhere in the Bible that calls for "Seeker Sensitive" churches. Quite the opposite:

Romans 3:10-11 as it is written: "None is righteous, no, not one; (11) no one understands; no one seeks for God.

Christian churches are for believers in Jesus Christ, and for those who seek to obey Him by His grace because they love Him, and seek to follow His truth from His inerrant word of the Bible. It is a false dichotomy to say that to seek to obey Jesus by His grace excludes love and grace. The Christian is to be an active member in the church that teaches Biblical truth without compromise, which includes love, mercy and grace. They are not mutually exclusive.

If you both don't seek the truth of God in His love and grace, then why are you getting married?

I am not going to get into a debate of trying to defend seeker sensitive churches. Let me just say that my church does focus on truth of God in love and grace. And yes we do talk about sin. As a whole there is nothing missing.

It is just that we do not focus so much on sin, that we forget about the love from God. I am not seeking to prove this. But let me just say that when a church talks so much about sin, that it is almost like God will no longer love us when you sin, we have a problem. Because then everything we do is for ourselves. We behave well just to "earn" God's love. So we are acting out of "fear" of hell, not because we love God and love other people.

It is better to focus on the love, grace and mercy from God, than focus on our own shortcomings. Once again this doesn't mean my church let sin go. In fact we have inappropriate contentography addict help groups and divorcee help groups. We help sinning Christians out of love, with patience and gentleness. We don't just chase them out and excommunicate them.

I am aware of falsehood from both sides. I researched on all kinds of churches. And I concluded that my church is better. But once again I am not trying to debate which church is better here. My question is how to talk about this with my GF.

 

[JoeP222w]

I am not going to get into a debate of trying to defend seeker sensitive churches. Let me just say that my church does focus on truth of God in love and grace. And yes we do talk about sin. As a whole there is nothing missing.

It is just that we do not focus so much on sin, that we forget about the love from God. I am not seeking to prove this. But let me just say that when a church talks so much about sin, that it is almost like God will no longer love us when you sin, we have a problem. Because then everything we do is for ourselves. We behave well just to "earn" God's love. So we are acting out of "fear" of hell, not because we love God and love other people.

It is better to focus on the love, grace and mercy from God, than focus on our own shortcomings. Once again this doesn't mean my church let sin go. In fact we have inappropriate contentography addict help groups and divorcee help groups. We help sinning Christians out of love, with patience and gentleness. We don't just chase them out and excommunicate them.

I am aware of falsehood from both sides. I researched on all kinds of churches. And I concluded that my church is better. But once again I am not trying to debate which church is better here. My question is how to talk about this with my GF.

I was off topic so I apologize about that. I was not meaning to target your specific church.

There is a balance to be sought when teaching of God's word. I believe that churches must teach about God's righteous and holy wrath against sin. I also believe it is necessary to talk about the bad news or the good news is not good news. Yes, the teaching of God's grace, mercy, love and forgiveness must also be taught. But both sides must go together to present the whole of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Teaching only about God's righteous wrath without talking about God's grace and mercy is an unbalance that leads to legalism.
Teaching only about God's grace and mercy without talking about God's righteous and just wrath is also an unbalance leading to cheap and meaningless grace.


But to get back to the topic.

If you proceed to become engaged with this woman, God's word calls you to be the head of the household, and ultimately God will hold you accountable for how you sought to follow Him and lead your wife, as Christ leads the church. But that is not to mean that her perspective and viewpoint are to be tossed aside or ignored. Also as head of household, as the husband, you are not allowed to abdicate your headship that God has designed. That is why the fall of Adam occurred. Adam refused to correct Eve from eating of the forbidden fruit, he abdicated his authority. To be clear, this authority is not license to become a tyrant over your wife, but to lead as Christ leads.

 

[Kiterius]

Many Christian couples go to different churches. How do you guys pick a church after you guys get married? And how do you even talk about this without major arguments and "attacking" each other's churches and members?

Background:

Currently I go to a Seeker Sensitive church. We follow after the likes of Andy Stanley and Pete Scazzero.

My GF goes to a church that is Calvinist. They follow after the likes of John Piper and Mark Dever.

There are major theological difference between the two. Long story short:

Her church worries that my church is "watering down" the Gospel message, too much focus on helping the widows & orphans and not enough deep theology teaching.

My church worries that her church is so focused on sin and correcting sin, that they forget about the love from God and our need to love even the least of these.

For us it was an easy choice to make. My wife attended a church that worships in a language I don't know. Shortly after we married, she transitioned over to my church.

 

[CCHIPSS]

Are you both married yet? If not then you both should have a serious talk about views as christians. Its perhaps the most important conversation because it can quickly cause issues once married. You may be equally yoked in the Lord, but your unequally yolked in views.

First three woman I was with (not married) we should have talked more before dating/fiance. First woman said she was christian and seemed to agree with all my views. Turned out she really didn't know if she was a christian or not. She mixed her native american "religion" with christianity. The next one was from a deep south baptist. Things didn't work well either. Next one was a pentecostal who believed some pretty harsh things and complained I wasn't christian because of various issues. Last girl, my wife was from another country but her church seemed to pretty much be a non-nondenominational type. We worked great together.

Anyways... its important you talk to her about this because it will disrupt your lives. You may never find a church that you can agree to and might end up going to your own separate churches. Which is not good as a christian couple. And if/when you have kids, there will be fights about what they should learn growing up.

Going by what you said there are already issues. Unless someone is willing to change denominations it will not end well.

Yes I agree that ultimately we have to compromise. I hope that God guide us to a peaceful solution. One or both of us have to make changes.

 

[CCHIPSS]

Why don't you go to each other's churches sometime and consider that the different focuses may help you both? Is that possible?

Alternate Sundays, do different volunteer or group things with both groups...

We sort of do this.

Currently I go to her church in the early morning. Then I go by myself to my own church in the late morning. She doesn't really come to my church because she wants to stay at her church for Sunday School. She comes once in a while.

She said she learn more in the discussions in her Sunday School than a sermon in my church. Maybe true for her so I cannot comment.

She comes to my small group. And I go to hers.

I volunteer for a parachurch organization. Unfortunately I don't think it will fit her to volunteer there.

She has close friends in her church. I have close friends in my church.

 

[Jane_Doe]

She has close friends in her church. I have close friends in my church.

If you two have not agree on such things as basic doctrines, where people have friends shouldn't be coming into play at all.

 

[CCHIPSS]

Another solution I have seen when loyalties are divided is to seek out neutral turf. I have seen it work for some. While on one level it seems like "nobody wins," if a third church can be found that both agree on "everybody wins."

That said, I think it is quite possible to have a good marriage where people disagree especially if both are willing to respect the individuality of the other and tolerate differences. My wife and I have similar faith backgrounds and similar faith values, but different practices. She has turned away from the institutional church for reasons of her own, but I continue regular and frequent church involvement for reasons of my own. I miss her in church with me, but tolerate her individual decision as she tolerates mine. It has worked for us for a long time because we don't allow it to divide us.

Finding a 3rd church is an option. But we agreed that would be the last resort. I personally would rather go to both churches, at least until we get some kids and that is no longer an option. But her church is more "conservative" and feel that it is important to focus on one single church and one single church only.

 

[Paidiske]

I can only tell you what we did. We belonged to different denominations. For a while I worshipped at his church in the morning, and at my church in the evening (sometimes he came with me). That was okay for a while. Neither of us wanted to join the other's church, but we each got what we needed, more or less.

We did try church-shopping but couldn't find somewhere that worked for us both. And then I went into ministry and church became my work, and my husband still goes to his own church, but tries to worship at mine at least once a month. That suits us well enough.

I guess the thing is that we don't have major doctrinal disagreements, it's more that each of us was fed by a different style and had different preferences. So it's not that we're apart because we disagree, nor are we fighting over how to raise our daughter, at all.

I would say you don't have to belong to the same church. But you do need to explore what each of you believe your obligations to church should be, how involved you want to be, how you want to raise children, and see if you're on the same page about that stuff, before committing to marriage.

 

[LinkH]

Are you Calvinist in your approach to things, or opposed to some of the Calvinist distinctives?

Mark Driscoll pastored a 'modern looking' megachurch. That's the impression I got. I think Francis Chan did, too. There seem to be some churches that are into this neo-Calvinist thing that take the mega-church form. Are the concerns theological only, or is a lot of it about style?

You could let her listen to a few sermons from Piper on the role of a wife in marriage, and then she may follow you where you go to church.

Personally, I find some of the Seeker-Sensitive churches as light on doctrine. If a church has modern music and blacklights, though, that doesn't mean the teaching is poor or too light and fluffy, either. A church could also have a 'seeker-sensitive' exterior in terms of style but have a lot of good teaching ministry in home groups, too. The early church met in homes, and many of the commands we read in the New Testament about what to do in church assume meetings where the saints minister to one another with their spiritual gifts, rather than only having a pulpit-pew scenario or a traditional liturgy. Opportunities to minister this way are important, so they should be considered in addition to whatever personality is up on stage.

you could just go with something completely different, like a small church that is neither part of the Calvinist movement or the seeker-sensitive movement. Community and loving one another are important aspects of church life as well.

You should also consider that you both may be reacting to stereotypes of the other's movement rather than realities. Some people hear preaching against the Seeker Sensitive movement and assume when they see the athletic shoes, jeans, and blacklights, that the teaching must be a bunch of fluff, but are surprised when they hear it.

 

[LinkH]

If you two have not agree on such things as basic doctrines, where people have friends shouldn't be coming into play at all.

What are 'basic doctrines'? Do Andy Stanley and John Piper disagree on 'basic doctrines'? I'm not sure where Andy Stanley stands on predestination and determinism, but there are other core issues like the atonement and the resurrection of Christ that we might call 'basic doctrines.'

Friendships at church are important. Church isn't just supposed to be about listening to good sermons. Jesus said "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." We are also told not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together but to 'exhort one another.'

I could not be a part of a church that promoted the idea that Jesus did not rise from the dead. i wouldn't consider that part of Christ's church anyway. But I could fellowship with believers who hold to some different beliefs on a variety of matters. Even within a single denomination, believers can have some different beliefs and opinions.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

It would be important, imo, to have a talk about what 'basic doctrines' even mean. Of course, there needs to be no disagreement about Christ's birth, sinless life, his death for our sins, and his resurrection. Also that he was God and man. These are non-negotiable.
Others that we might take for granted as 'basic doctrines' (the 'when and how' of baptism, the nature of communion/Eucharist, etc.), have different meanings for different believers, and it's important to know where you stand on these issues. From what you've described about where you both attend, these other issues may not be that far apart, so there may be quite a bit of common ground. So, agree where you can, and have a spirit of compromise where you don't. Just be sure that you can compromise and come to a decision. Some married couples are okay attending different churches, some not. This may also play into an ultimate decision.

 

[Truthfrees]

MOD HAT

Moved from Married Forum to Singles ask Marrieds Forum as per the SOP