How to not get annoyed from people making demands

[pantingdeer]

I’m very busy at university doing lots of project work and assignments and I get a message from someone I’ve never spoken to before in 3 years asking me to send them for over a weeks worth of notes. Not only do I not really want to share the notes I made but it’s not like it’s someone I know better who missed a class for a specific reason.
I see this person sit with people at the front of class most of the time so why can’t she ask people she knows for their notes. I just know that if I answer their message and send them notes that they think they’ll be able to ask for stuff on demand and I won’t be able to say no in the future.
I feel very uncomfortable sharing my things but at the same time it might be awkward not answering message. Maybe I should just leave it without accepting their message request?

Am I a nasty person or is this the correct thing to do?

 

[Ada Lovelace]

No, you're not a nasty person, and it's perfectly acceptable to decline her request. Even if you were friends it would not be unfriendly to politely refuse to share your notes. I was granted a two week leave from classes last year to volunteer in Florida, and have also missed school due to health issues, so I've asked classmates if I could read notes. I've understood when they've said no. Some write notes by hand and have explained their handwriting or their style wouldn't be as decipherable to me. It's not uncommon for people to jot in personal notes along with class notes, so that's another issue.

I don't think you should ignore the message. Reply to it politely but firmly telling her no, so she doesn't think there's any possibility of nudging you into saying yes. If you don't respond to the message she could ask you in person. You can give her an excuse if you wish such as the ones given to me, or you can simply tell her no, that you don't share your notes with anyone and leave it at that. You're not obligated to defend your reasoning at all. You are perfectly entitled to just say no.

Does your school have an online forum for class discussions? Mine does and it's common for people to simply post there asking if anyone is willing to share or exchange notes. If yours does as well maybe you could suggest to her to make a post there, just to be friendly.

See that she has asked this of you as a positive for how you're regarded. She obviously sees you as being
intelligent, or else she wouldn't want to use your notes to aid her studies. As you wrote, she sits with other people, and yet you are the one she asked, which makes me think you must be an exceptionally strong student. She reached out to you, which she wouldn't have done if she thought you were a "sociopath" or the other fears you've expressed about yourself in some of your threads here. So this is an annoyance to you, but if you look at it from another angle, it's also a roundabout way of complimenting you.

 

[pantingdeer]

No, you're not a nasty person, and it's perfectly acceptable to decline her request. Even if you were friends it would not be unfriendly to politely refuse to share your notes. I was granted a two week leave from classes last year to volunteer in Florida, and have also missed school due to health issues, so I've asked classmates if I could read notes. I've understood when they've said no. Some write notes by hand and have explained their handwriting or their style wouldn't be as decipherable to me. It's not uncommon for people to jot in personal notes along with class notes, so that's another issue.

I don't think you should ignore the message. Reply to it politely but firmly telling her no, so she doesn't think there's any possibility of nudging you into saying yes. If you don't respond to the message she could ask you in person. You can give her an excuse if you wish such as the ones given to me, or you can simply tell her no, that you don't share your notes with anyone and leave it at that. You're not obligated to defend your reasoning at all. You are perfectly entitled to just say no.

Does your school have an online forum for class discussions? Mine does and it's common for people to simply post there asking if anyone is willing to share or exchange notes. If yours does as well maybe you could suggest to her to make a post there, just to be friendly.

See that she has asked this of you as a positive for how you're regarded. She obviously sees you as being
intelligent, or else she wouldn't want to use your notes to aid her studies. As you wrote, she sits with other people, and yet you are the one she asked, which makes me think you must be an exceptionally strong student. She reached out to you, which she wouldn't have done if she thought you were a "sociopath" or the other fears you've expressed about yourself in some of your threads here. So this is an annoyance to you, but if you look at it from another angle, it's also a roundabout way of complimenting you.

I find it very hard to actually say no. This person is not a person that is a slacker that doesn’t turn up to class - they are actually very smart themselves - and so helping them is also like helping a competitor.
I do not have to courage to tell them no as they would just show their friends and think I’m a jerk
One day this year I asked someone if they could send me their class notes (one day worth of notes) as I had to leave the country that day. So this makes me feel kind of bad and people might think I’m just a taker. But again is asking for a weeks worth of notes a step up on this and an unreasonable proposal?
I haven’t done any hw tonight as this is stressing me out.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

I find it very hard to actually say no. This person is not a person that is a slacker that doesn’t turn up to class - they are actually very smart themselves - and so helping them is also like helping a competitor.
I do not have to courage to tell them no as they would just show their friends and think I’m a jerk
One day this year I asked someone if they could send me their class notes (one day worth of notes) as I had to leave the country that day. So this makes me feel kind of bad and people might think I’m just a taker. But again is asking for a weeks worth of notes a step up on this and an unreasonable proposal?
I haven’t done any hw tonight as this is stressing me out.

Would you find it any easier to say yes, and to share your notes with her? Just ignoring her isn't the way to go and it isn't a resolution because she could wonder if you didn't see her message and just ask you in person.

Again, this is a compliment to you that she specifically asked you for your notes, and she's a hardworking, intelligent classmate, a competitor who is on your level. That doesn't mean that you have to say yes to her, though. I'm just trying to get you to reconsider how you see yourself. She should perfectly understand that you're extremely busy at this point in the term, that you don't have a moment to spare, and that there's nothing wrong with you telling her no. You are definitely correct that sharing one class of notes isn't equivalent to weeks worth. No, you would not just be a taker if you don't want to give her all those notes.

 

[Asphose]

I find it very hard to actually say no. This person is not a person that is a slacker that doesn’t turn up to class - they are actually very smart themselves - and so helping them is also like helping a competitor.
I do not have to courage to tell them no as they would just show their friends and think I’m a jerk
One day this year I asked someone if they could send me their class notes (one day worth of notes) as I had to leave the country that day. So this makes me feel kind of bad and people might think I’m just a taker. But again is asking for a weeks worth of notes a step up on this and an unreasonable proposal?
I haven’t done any hw tonight as this is stressing me out.

I agree with Stan, you're not a nasty person if you don't want to share your notes and you must be pretty reliable if she were to ask you. Also, if you're not that close and she's asking you then I'm sure she's already ask those closest to her too.

Personally I would share my notes because whether they do good or bad won't affect my final grade. I wouldn't view the people you go to uni with as competitors, everyone is running their own race. You may be in her position one day and need notes too.

I understand where you're coming from because a similar thing happened to me at university. I studied computer science and we always had coding assignments. One day a guy asked for my code as he didn't understand, I sent it to him and it was cool. I made friends through him who helped me with my other assignments so it was happy days.

Unfortunately, it started happening every time. He would always ask for my for code, change it up a bit and submit it. Sometimes even sharing with other people I don't even know. I hated it because he never did the work and just kept leeching off me, plus I ran the chance of getting caught and losing my degree for plagiarism. But one day I put my foot down and said no more, and that was that. He stopped talking to me as much as before but that just goes to show he was never my friend, he just saw me as a source.

After the first time I should've said no, but I was too scared/shy. So I say the first time is fine but don't them take advantage of you.

 

[pantingdeer]

Would you find it any easier to say yes, and to share your notes with her? Just ignoring her isn't the way to go and it isn't a resolution because she could wonder if you didn't see her message and just ask you in person.

Again, this is a compliment to you that she specifically asked you for your notes, and she's a hardworking, intelligent classmate, a competitor who is on your level. That doesn't mean that you have to say yes to her, though. I'm just trying to get you to reconsider how you see yourself. She should perfectly understand that you're extremely busy at this point in the term, that you don't have a moment to spare, and that there's nothing wrong with you telling her no. You are definitely correct that sharing one class of notes isn't equivalent to weeks worth. No, you would not just be a taker if you don't want to give her all those notes.

I don’t want to give my notes but I almost feel obliged to.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

I don’t want to give my notes but I almost feel obliged to.

Is she the one who shared notes with you previously when you needed them due to missing class while out of the country? From the way you've written it, I think it was another student you asked, for that one day's notes. If she routinely shared her notes with you, then she could have an expectation for reciprocation, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.

You may feel obliged to, but you are not. I think you will feel better once you just politely tell her no and this is no longer a decision occupying your mind.

 

[pantingdeer]

Is she the one who shared notes with you previously when you needed them due to missing class while out of the country? From the way you've written it, I think it was another student you asked, for that one day's notes. If she routinely shared her notes with you, then she could have an expectation for reciprocation, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.

You may feel obliged to, but you are not. I think you will feel better once you just politely tell her no and this is no longer a decision occupying your mind.

Different person. If I say no then will she not think “this guy is a jerk, why wouldn’t he help me?”

 

[pantingdeer]

Is she the one who shared notes with you previously when you needed them due to missing class while out of the country? From the way you've written it, I think it was another student you asked, for that one day's notes. If she routinely shared her notes with you, then she could have an expectation for reciprocation, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.

You may feel obliged to, but you are not. I think you will feel better once you just politely tell her no and this is no longer a decision occupying your mind.

Also I notice you are from socal. I used to talk on Xbox to someone from San Diego and he was nice person.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I’m very busy at university doing lots of project work and assignments and I get a message from someone I’ve never spoken to before in 3 years asking me to send them for over a weeks worth of notes. Not only do I not really want to share the notes I made but it’s not like it’s someone I know better who missed a class for a specific reason.
I see this person sit with people at the front of class most of the time so why can’t she ask people she knows for their notes. I just know that if I answer their message and send them notes that they think they’ll be able to ask for stuff on demand and I won’t be able to say no in the future.
I feel very uncomfortable sharing my things but at the same time it might be awkward not answering message. Maybe I should just leave it without accepting their message request?

Am I a nasty person or is this the correct thing to do?

The assertive response is, "I understand that you wish to have my notes for the last week or so, but I am not going to give them to you."

You don't have to justify why you are not going to give that person your notes, and you don't have to criticise them for not paying sufficient attention to make their own notes. It is that you choose not to share your notes with the person. If that annoys them, it is not your problem but theirs.

If they keep on asking, you can use the assertive broken record technique, saying, "I understand that you need the notes, but I am not going to give them to you." If they start accusing you, you can continue by saying, "I understand that you think I am selfish and uncooperative, but I am still not going to give you my notes."

This is not being aggressive or unkind to the person. It is standing up for your own right not to have to agree to a request that is not acceptable to you. You have the choice to do what you wish with your own notes and you don't have to be pressured into doing something you don't want to do.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

Different person. If I say no then will she not think “this guy is a jerk, why wouldn’t he help me?”

If she thinks you are a jerk for politely telling her no, then she'll be the jerk, not you. She is not entitled to your notes at all, and she has never shared hers with you, so you are not in a position to feel obliged to reciprocate the gesture. You've described her as a dedicated and strong student, someone who has regularly attended class, so she's had as much opportunity as you have to take strong notes for herself.
This is a completely different scenario than if she had missed a substantial amount of class due to an illness or something and was in genuine need of help. She should fully understand you nicely telling her no.

 

[pantingdeer]

The assertive response is, "I understand that you wish to have my notes for the last week or so, but I am not going to give them to you."

You don't have to justify why you are not going to give that person your notes, and you don't have to criticise them for not paying sufficient attention to make their own notes. It is that you choose not to share your notes with the person. If that annoys them, it is not your problem but theirs.

If they keep on asking, you can use the assertive broken record technique, saying, "I understand that you need the notes, but I am not going to give them to you." If they start accusing you, you can continue by saying, "I understand that you think I am selfish and uncooperative, but I am still not going to give you my notes."

This is not being aggressive or unkind to the person. It is standing up for your own right not to have to agree to a request that is not acceptable to you. You have the choice to do what you wish with your own notes and you don't have to be pressured into doing something you don't want to do.

That is pretty funny and I’d love to do that But maybe the Person wasn’t able to make it to university those days for a specific reason?

 

[pantingdeer]

If she thinks you are a jerk for politely telling her no, then she'll be the jerk, not you. She is not entitled to your notes at all, and she has never shared hers with you, so you are not in a position to feel obliged to reciprocate the gesture. You've described her as a dedicated and strong student, someone who has regularly attended class, so she's had as much opportunity as you have to take strong notes for herself.
This is a completely different scenario than if she had missed a substantial amount of class due to an illness or something and was in genuine need of help. She should fully understand you nicely telling her no.

See I’m not sure if she was at the class in the last week. Maybe she couldn’t attend for some reason. Does this mean I should help in that scenario even though I don’t like sharing my work

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

See I’m not sure if she was at the class in the last week. Maybe she couldn’t attend for some reason. Does this mean I should help in that scenario even though I don’t like sharing my work

That might put a different complexion on the issue. Then you might have to consider that sharing your notes with her might to consistent with kindness, goodness and patience (fruit of the Spirit), doing something for someone that they may not deserve. You could find out by asking her if the reason for requesting the notes was that she couldn't attend the lectures for some reason. If so, then that might change things.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

See I’m not sure if she was at the class in the last week. Maybe she couldn’t attend for some reason. Does this mean I should help in that scenario even though I don’t like sharing my work

No, because it was still her responsibility. When I've had to miss classes I've reached out to classmates in advance and asked if they would mind sharing their notes with me later. If they agree, then they are enabled to take their notes in a way that they wouldn't mind presenting to me. They wouldn't have to spend time scrubbing through their notes to omit anything personal they jotted in or whatever. They would be more mindful from the start, so it's less likely they'd have typos or misspellings or whatever may cause embarrassment and make them feel compelled to revise their notes before sharing them with me. And classmates have simply stated exactly what you have - that they don't like sharing their work, and I've taken their answer of no with full understanding. That's absolutely their prerogative, and there's nothing at all wrong with it. It's simply a matter or preference.

If she'd had to miss class due to some extraordinary unforeseeable circumstance she probably would have explained that to you when asking for your notes, but since she hasn't done so, I don't think that is the case. As you noted, she sits with other people. You are not the only one in the class she can ask.

 

[bekkilyn]

Unless I knew her to be a slacker who regularly leeches from people, I'd probably just let her make photos or copies of my notes that first time as an act of generosity. That first time, I'd just assume she had a valid reason for needing them. I'd hope that someone would do the same for me if I needed to be away from class for a week so I wouldn't consider it any big deal.

If she started asking for them each week though, I'd put my foot down as she can take her own notes.

However, they are still your notes and you are NOT obligated to share them with anyone for any reason.

Note that if your school has decided that note sharing is the same as cheating, then I would not share my notes and instead refer her to the instructor to find out how she can make up for her absence, or for whatever reason she didn't take her own notes.

 

[pantingdeer]

Unless I knew her to be a slacker who regularly leeches from people, I'd probably just let her make photos or copies of my notes that first time as an act of generosity. That first time, I'd just assume she had a valid reason for needing them. I'd hope that someone would do the same for me if I needed to be away from class for a week so I wouldn't consider it any big deal.

If she started asking for them each week though, I'd put my foot down as she can take her own notes.

However, they are still your notes and you are NOT obligated to share them with anyone for any reason.

Note that if your school has decided that note sharing is the same as cheating, then I would not share my notes and instead refer her to the instructor to find out how she can make up for her absence, or for whatever reason she didn't take her own notes.

I don’t think she was there last week and I don’t know why (why would I). But also, the thought of someone else sharing around the notes that I shared them bothers me. She sits with some people and some of there are hardly ever there... so maybe they’d like to scrounge notes off me too through her??

 

[pantingdeer]

No, because it was still her responsibility. When I've had to miss classes I've reached out to classmates in advance and asked if they would mind sharing their notes with me later. If they agree, then they are enabled to take their notes in a way that they wouldn't mind presenting to me. They wouldn't have to spend time scrubbing through their notes to omit anything personal they jotted in or whatever. They would be more mindful from the start, so it's less likely they'd have typos or misspellings or whatever may cause embarrassment and make them feel compelled to revise their notes before sharing them with me. And classmates have simply stated exactly what you have - that they don't like sharing their work, and I've taken their answer of no with full understanding. That's absolutely their prerogative, and there's nothing at all wrong with it. It's simply a matter or preference.

If she'd had to miss class due to some extraordinary unforeseeable circumstance she probably would have explained that to you when asking for your notes, but since she hasn't done so, I don't think that is the case. As you noted, she sits with other people. You are not the only one in the class she can ask.

I make all my notes on a iPad so I wonder if they think I can just easily send it to them.
Also, the notes I take down aren’t anything special, they are basically exactly what the lecturer writes down so nothing much personal is added. But still, the thought of the notes that I took down in class being spread round through her to all the scroungers who never turn up annoys me. I hope the people who don’t put any effort in fail.
A student who never turned up to class complained that an assignment was too hard and the lecturer told her it wouldn’t cost her anything to turn up lol.

 

[pantingdeer]

I never really lie but to get out of the situation easily you could just say “I wasn’t there either” lol.

 

[bekkilyn]

I don’t think she was there last week and I don’t know why (why would I). But also, the thought of someone else sharing around the notes that I shared them bothers me. She sits with some people and some of there are hardly ever there... so maybe they’d like to scrounge notes off me too through her??

It's possible. I'd probably still give her the benefit of the doubt the first time because I tend not to worry about all of those sorts of things until they actually happen.

I do agree with the others who advise not to ignore her though. Either go ahead and share your notes or just tell her no. Either way, you'll be done with it.