How to not be lonely

[pantingdeer]

I am quite a lonely person and I’m very shy in general. I find it hard to speak to people for the first time and so there’s many people I see everyday who I’ve never spoken too - is this odd or normal?
I still have a couple of friends from when I was at school but I hardly see them anymore since moving on to college so they don’t really count anymore. At uni everyone is different. Most people go to clubs on a weekly basis and I do not so I don’t really fit it. I went to a party last night but I don’t drink so it doesn’t really count.
How can I show myself to be a nice person so people want to be my friend. Went I’m at college I tend shield my personality a lot due to my shyness. Is it ok to go to clubs as someone who is seeking.

 

[solid_core]

Do you really need to have friends or do you just think its a common order so you must somehow achieve it?

Some people are introverts, shy and do not need partying or many friends, one or two old friends are enough for them. They like to be lonely, society makes them exhausted. If this is your case, do not try to change it just because others are living differently.

If you do want to have more friends but clubs and similar are not your cup of tea, you can try some local churches, communities, chat rooms or forums on internet or some specialised clubs for people who have similar interests as you (sports, hiking, photography, chess... whatever).

 

[Basil the Great]

Perhaps the best prescription for loneliness is to do volunteer work at a local hospital or homeless shelter or food pantry or soup kitchen.

 

[solid_core]

Perhaps the best prescription for loneliness is to do volunteer work at a local hospital or homeless shelter or food pantry or soup kitchen.

In the EU, such things are provided by state, so there is not much space for volunteering...

 

[joshua 1 9]

How can I show myself to be a nice person so people want to be my friend.

There is a classic book called how to make friends and influence people. For the most part you have to find out what they are interested in and what they like to talk about. Even if you are shy just give them permission to do the talking and you can learn how to be a good listener. Try to show a little bit of interest in what they are talking about. The first thing I try to do when I meet someone new is to try to establish where we have a common ground or some sort of common interest. Something we would both be interested in having a conversation about.

 

[maintenance man]

How can I show myself to be a nice person so people want to be my friend.

I think the best way to get to know people is through a shared experience of some kind. You might try taking an extracurricular class in something for which you have and interest, and there you should meet like minded people.

 

[joshua 1 9]

specialised clubs for people who have similar interests

I remember once a guy wanted me to join a gemology club that he was a member of. They had a gem show they put on once or twice a year but for the most part they were a club where they would go places and do things together. I went there to one of their meeting and everyone was real friendly. At the time I was active in a church so I mostly had my friends there.

 

[Basil the Great]

In the EU, such things are provided by state, so there is not much space for volunteering...

I did not know.

 

[solid_core]

I did not know.

I have never heard about possibility to volunteer in a hospital. I think its not possible, all people there are state or county employees.

Poor people get money from the state so they buy their own food and pay some accomodation. There are no "soup kitchens".

Because the EU have strong social care, such things you mentioned are practicaly non existent... but your post was a good idea, for sure

I think that Salvation Army provide some shelters for homeless people, but its a small church, here.

 

[keith99]

In the States most colleges have student clubs, not in the bar sense, but student organizations. See if that is the case where you go to school and see if there is one that interests you.

Is your profile picture a soccer player holding a trophy? There should be soccer clubs near you ranging from whatever they call the top level to 3rd or 4th division and probably plenty of social clubs. That may be worth a try. If your physical skills are poor unless Poland is entirely different from most of the English speaking world most of those clubs could use someone to help with the off field things.

Do you play chess or bridge? There should be clubs for that ranging from social to brutally competitive.

Do you like hiking? Again there should be clubs.

Bicycling? That activity is great because on the road a rider behind another uses from 10% to 30% less energy so a group, pair or anything in-between can have a pretty wide range of abilities.

American colleges have improved when it comes to food, but it still is not great. If you can cook you can get instant friends unless things are far better in Poland. Do note almost all the great chefs are men.

Perhaps none of these work for you. Think of what really does interest you and try to find some social group centered on it. In my experience people are happy to help those with a true shared interest even when the ability levels and social status are so far apart you would not think they would.

 

[pantingdeer]

In the States most colleges have student clubs, not in the bar sense, but student organizations. See if that is the case where you go to school and see if there is one that interests you.

Is your profile picture a soccer player holding a trophy? There should be soccer clubs near you ranging from whatever they call the top level to 3rd or 4th division and probably plenty of social clubs. That may be worth a try. If your physical skills are poor unless Poland is entirely different from most of the English speaking world most of those clubs could use someone to help with the off field things.

Do you play chess or bridge? There should be clubs for that ranging from social to brutally competitive.

Do you like hiking? Again there should be clubs.

Bicycling? That activity is great because on the road a rider behind another uses from 10% to 30% less energy so a group, pair or anything in-between can have a pretty wide range of abilities.

American colleges have improved when it comes to food, but it still is not great. If you can cook you can get instant friends unless things are far better in Poland. Do note almost all the great chefs are men.

Perhaps none of these work for you. Think of what really does interest you and try to find some social group centered on it. In my experience people are happy to help those with a true shared interest even when the ability levels and social status are so far apart you would not think they would.

Yes, that is the best soccer player of all time, Leo Messi. I also love motorbikes and my hero is Rossi.
Lots of those clubs sound like great ideas. (I think martial arts and language clubs would be fun) but I honestly think the problem is just me. When I used to play xbox I had absolutely no problems talking to people and having fun and even making friends who ive spoken to for >5 years.
But in the real world I'm an awkward person who not even I would want to be around. There are many people at work and at college who I never talk to. Maybe they're just out of my league socially but out of everyone at college/work people come under the following categories:
50%: See them every day but as soon as I see them I either look away or nervously smile then look away
45%: See them every day but just say "Hi" "how are you" then that's it. Whereas they laugh and talk with everyone else
5%: Can talk to them more but have the same old conversations all the time and never have fun conversations and never do anything

over the course of becoming an adult, I have just lost the ability to befriend people. When I was 10 I had 100 friends and could talk to anyone.

About cooking, I do love to do the cooking. I love to cooking savoury dishes from roast chickens, indian dishes, italian dishes and even desserts like ice cream and eclairs.

 

[keith99]

Yes, that is the best soccer player of all time, Leo Messi. I also love motorbikes and my hero is Rossi.
Lots of those clubs sound like great ideas. (I think martial arts and language clubs would be fun) but I honestly think the problem is just me. When I used to play xbox I had absolutely no problems talking to people and having fun and even making friends who ive spoken to for >5 years.
But in the real world I'm an awkward person who not even I would want to be around. There are many people at work and at college who I never talk to. Maybe they're just out of my league socially but out of everyone at college/work people come under the following categories:
50%: See them every day but as soon as I see them I either look away or nervously smile then look away
45%: See them every day but just say "Hi" "how are you" then that's it. Whereas they laugh and talk with everyone else
5%: Can talk to them more but have the same old conversations all the time and never have fun conversations and never do anything

over the course of becoming an adult, I have just lost the ability to befriend people. When I was 10 I had 100 friends and could talk to anyone.

About cooking, I do love to do the cooking. I love to cooking savoury dishes from roast chickens, indian dishes, italian dishes and even desserts like ice cream and eclairs.

Ask about last weekend's soccer match, especially if there was some controversy. Now that won't drastically change the numbers, surely not the 50%. But it might impact the 45% if you try that once or twice instead of just hi. No miracles, but perhaps one or two people who you actually have a decent conversation with. (Of course be ready for strong opinions). And in the 5% if you get a hit it might well change to same old conversation to a different conversation as you and the other person see it. Though if either of you have a girlfriend present a few times she might well complain about the 2 of you having the same conversation every time.

Do you own a motorbike? Have you worked on a motorbike? If yes to either you have teh basis of a friendship if you find someone else who has/does the same.

If you do make some soccer friends trying to set up something with good food for a big match might work wonders somewhere down the line. But you need a couple of fellow soccer fans who you get along with first.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

I am quite a lonely person and I’m very shy in general. I find it hard to speak to people for the first time and so there’s many people I see everyday who I’ve never spoken too - is this odd or normal?
I still have a couple of friends from when I was at school but I hardly see them anymore since moving on to college so they don’t really count anymore. At uni everyone is different. Most people go to clubs on a weekly basis and I do not so I don’t really fit it. I went to a party last night but I don’t drink so it doesn’t really count.
How can I show myself to be a nice person so people want to be my friend. Went I’m at college I tend shield my personality a lot due to my shyness. Is it ok to go to clubs as someone who is seeking.

I believe the root of your loneliness is your condition rather than your efforts or any lack thereof at forming social connections and creating friendships that are sustainable. Obviously since I don’t truly know you I could be mistaken, but intuitively I presume your issue is not an inability to make friends - that I believe you can do - but rather that your OCD is constantly putting up barricades in your mind preventing you from being able to keep them. This a struggle that afflicts nearly everyone who has OCD, and one of the cruelest aspects of it. It can cause desperate loneliness, self-enforced social isolation, and distressing inner turmoil. OCD is not a character defect or a flaw, and many afflicted with it have wonderful personalities and qualities desired in friends, but frequently do not recognize their own virtues and worth, and recede from socialization despite being hungry for it. From reading your posts I believe you definitely possess the traits desired in a friend. I see kindness in you. I do have faith that you can attain a thriving social life and fulfilling companionship and personal relationships, but I think you are going to need to actively obtain support and professional treatment for your OCD. Not treating it is sort of like trying to run a race on a broken ankle and faulting yourself for being too slow. You have to treat the true cause of the problem. Your personality, your efforts, are not the problem. Your OCD is your broken ankle.

Many with OCD retreat into video games played against others online as a way of having human connectivity that is less overwhelming than in-person interaction. This is what my cousin who lives with us does. It gives him satisfaction and solace, but it's fleeting, like how you can feel joy eating a slice of cake but it only lasts until you've taken the last bite. It doesn't give the true joy or fulfillment of friendships.

I do think there is value in reaching out to online communities, though. Look on Reddit and social media for groups specifically for OCD. You will feel less lonely in your loneliness when you realize how common it is with those who have OCD. You can read about other people's experiences and how they navigate through their lives with it. You're always welcome to share about your struggles here, but I don't think you'll be as understood as you would be in a group specifically for OCD. You want to be understood by people who understand because they've experienced what you've described. The typical age of onset for OCD is early teens through mid-20s so you’ll probably meet others close in age.

I have a very rare disease and the cause of my disease is rare. It's called Addison's disease, and mine was caused by chickenpox-induced sepsis when I was an infant that destroyed my adrenal cortex and extensively damaged other parts of my endocrine system and my stomach. It's very unlikely I'll ever meet anyone in person who has what I do, but online in special groups I have connected to others with pediatric AD, and it's been such a benefit and a relief. I've been treated by physicians who are the best specialists in the world for it since I was tiny, but none of them can really understand what it's like to actually live with the diseases. Hence the reason online communities have been valuable when I need a soundboard or to vent. Hopefully you can find comfort and helpful tips as well.

I think without addressing the OCD itself it’s going to be like building elaborate sandcastles too close to the shore. You’ll devote your time and expend your energy making something you rightfully feel proud of, only to then have it all knocked down by the next wave. And the waves will keep coming, so if you keep building on the same spot, it’s going to keep being demolished. You’ll become tired and dispirited and discouraged from wanting to continue to put in all the effort, so eventually you’ll stop and be less reluctant to want to try again. So you have to rethink your strategy now. If you haven't obtained professional help with treating your OCD I cannot more strongly encourage you to do so.

In tandem with reaching out to online communities and getting help for your OCD, I definitely encourage you to seek out low key social opportunities. I really don't think you'll "mess up" in any way but if that's a worry maybe you'd feel more relaxed trying out social groups that are a bit more detached from your university life, such as with MeetUp groups. If you don't like the activity or the people you meet, you'll have no obligation to go back and it's less likely you'll see them in your daily life. See if there's any groups on MeetUp that might be a good fit. A friend who is shy found friendship through a group that meets to hike every Saturday, and another joined this cycling MeetUp. There probably are fun social options on your campus too, if you do want to join in, such as intramural sports teams, student clubs, and such.

Eta: You might want to see if there are groups for your university and city on Reddit. They may have ideas for activities / groups of interest.

 

[pantingdeer]

I believe the root of your loneliness is your condition rather than your efforts or any lack thereof at forming social connections and creating friendships that are sustainable. Obviously since I don’t truly know you I could be mistaken, but intuitively I presume your issue is not an inability to make friends - that I believe you can do - but rather that your OCD is constantly putting up barricades in your mind preventing you from being able to keep them. This a struggle that afflicts nearly everyone who has OCD, and one of the cruelest aspects of it. It can cause desperate loneliness, self-enforced social isolation, and distressing inner turmoil. OCD is not a character defect or a flaw, and many afflicted with it have wonderful personalities and qualities desired in friends, but frequently do not recognize their own virtues and worth, and recede from socialization despite being hungry for it. From reading your posts I believe you definitely possess the traits desired in a friend. I see kindness in you. I do have faith that you can attain a thriving social life and fulfilling companionship and personal relationships, but I think you are going to need to actively obtain support and professional treatment for your OCD. Not treating it is sort of like trying to run a race on a broken ankle and faulting yourself for being too slow. You have to treat the true cause of the problem. Your personality, your efforts, are not the problem. Your OCD is your broken ankle.

Many with OCD retreat into video games played against others online as a way of having human connectivity that is less overwhelming than in-person interaction. This is what my cousin who lives with us does. It gives him satisfaction and solace, but it's fleeting, like how you can feel joy eating a slice of cake but it only lasts until you've taken the last bite. It doesn't give the true joy or fulfillment of friendships.

I do think there is value in reaching out to online communities, though. Look on Reddit and social media for groups specifically for OCD. You will feel less lonely in your loneliness when you realize how common it is with those who have OCD. You can read about other people's experiences and how they navigate through their lives with it. You're always welcome to share about your struggles here, but I don't think you'll be as understood as you would be in a group specifically for OCD. You want to be understood by people who understand because they've experienced what you've described. The typical age of onset for OCD is early teens through mid-20s so you’ll probably meet others close in age.

I have a very rare disease and the cause of my disease is rare. It's called Addison's disease, and mine was caused by chickenpox-induced sepsis when I was an infant that destroyed my adrenal cortex and extensively damaged other parts of my endocrine system and my stomach. It's very unlikely I'll ever meet anyone in person who has what I do, but online in special groups I have connected to others with pediatric AD, and it's been such a benefit and a relief. I've been treated by physicians who are the best specialists in the world for it since I was tiny, but none of them can really understand what it's like to actually live with the diseases. Hence the reason online communities have been valuable when I need a soundboard or to vent. Hopefully you can find comfort and helpful tips as well.

I think without addressing the OCD itself it’s going to be like building elaborate sandcastles too close to the shore. You’ll devote your time and expend your energy making something you rightfully feel proud of, only to then have it all knocked down by the next wave. And the waves will keep coming, so if you keep building on the same spot, it’s going to keep being demolished. You’ll become tired and dispirited and discouraged from wanting to continue to put in all the effort, so eventually you’ll stop and be less reluctant to want to try again. So you have to rethink your strategy now. If you haven't obtained professional help with treating your OCD I cannot more strongly encourage you to do so.

In tandem with reaching out to online communities and getting help for your OCD, I definitely encourage you to seek out low key social opportunities. I really don't think you'll "mess up" in any way but if that's a worry maybe you'd feel more relaxed trying out social groups that are a bit more detached from your university life, such as with MeetUp groups. If you don't like the activity or the people you meet, you'll have no obligation to go back and it's less likely you'll see them in your daily life. See if there's any groups on MeetUp that might be a good fit. A friend who is shy found friendship through a group that meets to hike every Saturday, and another joined this cycling MeetUp. There probably are fun social options on your campus too, if you do want to join in, such as intramural sports teams, student clubs, and such.

Eta: You might want to see if there are groups for your university and city on Reddit. They may have ideas for activities / groups of interest.

I really don’t know what the problem is with me to be honest. For a start I definitely have HOCD but I’m not sure if I have normal OCD.
Maybe me constantly overthinking social things is a sign of OCD but I’m not sure.
I find it very hard to talk to people. There are many people who I have spoken to in the past and now we just sort of ignore each other. I wonder if I just give off a bad vibe to people and people don’t want to speak to me. There was one guy at work and I saw him in the gym and said hello a couple of times. Then one day he walked past me without saying hello. Then I felt uncomfortable and then for two years after that moment we never spoke again. I would see him at work and we’d both try to avoid eye contact. I don’t know why but people not wanting to talk to me happens often so maybe I’m not kind or maybe everyone thinks I’m weird. I don’t know where you see kindness in me because I can’t - but thanks for saying.
You are right though about trying to have more social occasions without them having to be set up. Maybe joining clubs at university is a way but I don’t get a lot of time to be honest. Some days I’m in college until 6pm and then I go to work in a shop.
It’s good to see that you have found it good to talk to other people about your own problem. I hope you are ok. Maybe I can speak to a doctor about my problems but I don’t know what I’d have to say to him.

 

[hellothere]

I am quite a lonely person and I’m very shy in general. I find it hard to speak to people for the first time and so there’s many people I see everyday who I’ve never spoken too - is this odd or normal?
I still have a couple of friends from when I was at school but I hardly see them anymore since moving on to college so they don’t really count anymore. At uni everyone is different. Most people go to clubs on a weekly basis and I do not so I don’t really fit it. I went to a party last night but I don’t drink so it doesn’t really count.
How can I show myself to be a nice person so people want to be my friend. Went I’m at college I tend shield my personality a lot due to my shyness. Is it ok to go to clubs as someone who is seeking.

I also find it hard to speak to people because nobody ever wants to talk about anything interesting or anything I care about. 95% of human beings are boring so I usually keep to myself when I'm not discussing sensitive or intelligent topics. I'm also in college so I just keep myself busy by doing schoolwork most of the time. I think I'm one of the only people who actually studies and gets A's. I also don't drink or go to parties or clubs. Almost everyone I see on campus I have never talked to. I joined a small group at the church I go to and we hang out every week to have actually good and intelligent conversations that are easy to get into. Very different from the type of people in college. This may not work for you but I would definitely find a small group and just realize that it's ok to keep to yourself.

 

[pantingdeer]

I also find it hard to speak to people because nobody ever wants to talk about anything interesting or anything I care about. 95% of human beings are boring so I usually keep to myself when I'm not discussing sensitive or intelligent topics. I'm also in college so I just keep myself busy by doing schoolwork most of the time. I think I'm one of the only people who actually studies and gets A's. I also don't drink or go to parties or clubs. Almost everyone I see on campus I have never talked to. I joined a small group at the church I go to and we hang out every week to have actually good and intelligent conversations that are easy to get into. Very different from the type of people in college. This may not work for you but I would definitely find a small group and just realize that it's ok to keep to yourself.

Maybe I try too hard

 

[keith99]

Maybe I try too hard

Perhaps, sort of.

I don't know soccer well, but I do a little. Sometimes your job is to stay in position and people who do not get it think you not reacting to something is not trying hard. Or 'trying too hard' by running forward and being offside because you were a little too early when you really do not have the speed to make such a break (but some other players on your team do).

BUT if a barely onside pass is made to a teammate and you are a bit farther back it might just be the time to work hard to be in position for a crossing pass. And in that situation you just being available might make a difference almost no one notices. No one except the people who matter the most, the players and coaches.

Sometimes trying hard but smart just means taking a few steps in the right direction to be in the right position. Often enough those few steps make an attack by the other side less attractive. A little work early and calmly means less work later and a more effective game.

Now applying that to your life presents problems. A soccer player (or any other sport player) learns because of being taught by coaches and learning in games. You have been on the sideline for a while. Get into the game, but no need to score a goal, just get in the game and learn.

I know it is a real problem once you start moverthinking. Perhaps making your goal the equavelent of just getting game experience rather than scoring a goal might help. By that I mean that you consider just playing and learning to be a win. And if yuo do score a goal that is a bonus.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

I really don’t know what the problem is with me to be honest. For a start I definitely have HOCD but I’m not sure if I have normal OCD.
Maybe me constantly overthinking social things is a sign of OCD but I’m not sure.
I find it very hard to talk to people. There are many people who I have spoken to in the past and now we just sort of ignore each other. I wonder if I just give off a bad vibe to people and people don’t want to speak to me. There was one guy at work and I saw him in the gym and said hello a couple of times. Then one day he walked past me without saying hello. Then I felt uncomfortable and then for two years after that moment we never spoke again. I would see him at work and we’d both try to avoid eye contact. I don’t know why but people not wanting to talk to me happens often so maybe I’m not kind or maybe everyone thinks I’m weird. I don’t know where you see kindness in me because I can’t - but thanks for saying.
You are right though about trying to have more social occasions without them having to be set up. Maybe joining clubs at university is a way but I don’t get a lot of time to be honest. Some days I’m in college until 6pm and then I go to work in a shop.
It’s good to see that you have found it good to talk to other people about your own problem. I hope you are ok. Maybe I can speak to a doctor about my problems but I don’t know what I’d have to say to him.

I don't have any measure of expertise about OCD but I've gathered a bit of knowledge about it through research on my own and it being discussed in my psychology and HumBio courses. My stepmom is a pediatrician specializing in adolescent health, and I often read her medical journals. When I first learned about HOCD through a thread of yours I read a case report about it, and then watched a couple of YouTube videos specifically discussing it (check out one from a man who goes by Average Guy that has helpful insights about HOCD). As I mentioned previously, I recognized that the torment you described was very similar to the symptoms of what a friend was experiencing with agonizing frequency. In the first video I watched the man, Mark Freeman, stated that regardless of the "theme" of OCD, the underlying issue is always the same. From my own, albeit limited experiences learning and reading about and listening to people who suffer from OCD, this is true.

When I was in high school I had an advice column of sorts through Ask.Fm; my school's online newspaper linked my account. I don't know if it was as popular where you live as it was here, but it's a social media platform where people can ask anonymous questions. I received numerous ones pertaining to OCD afflictions, with various self-described types - scrupulosity, POCD, harm. The roots for all the symptoms were the same - obsessions and compulsions - regardless of how they specifically manifested in the individual. All described experiencing persistent, obtrusive thoughts agonizing over their interactions with others and worrying about how people perceived them. They had different means of compulsively "checking" themselves to some form of stimuli due to an unrelenting anxiety and fear of being something they are not, and ritualistic behaviors. They were all distressfully worried about unintentionally causing harm to others in some form, not through physical abuse typically, but in some other way "contaminating," mistreating, deceiving, or otherwise inadvertently inflicting damage, so they avoided forming romantic relationships. A decreased sex drive is also common. Some who wrote to me said they were seeking treatment and it was helping. The only ones I really know about conclusively, though, are the two who interact with me face-to-face, my friend with HOCD and my cousin. I do know for them medication and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) have benefitted them. Just tell your doctor you believe you have OCD and how it's interfering with your life. It's not an uncommon disorder. You might also want to check to see if your university has any sort of help or special program. At mine there's a student health clinic and counseling and psychological services. There's an "anxiety toolbox" support group that meets several times a week and includes OCD. I went to a group for perfectionists (it has shared characteristics with OCD) and it was definitely useful. When you start to understand why you're doing something you can become more empowered to stop doing it.

I think what you described definitely fits in with the pattern. The guy passing by you at the gym could have simply been absorbed in his own thoughts and not taken notice of you rather than it being any form of personal slight. Then after sensing your discomfort and avoidance, matched that vibe. He might have assumed you disliked him. I found out a girl I'd been friends with felt stung because I'd passed her in the student plaza without saying hi or turning when she said my name. With my medical issues if my blood sugar or cortisol levels are off I sort of zombie out. I honestly hadn't been aware of her trying to get my attention, and definitely hadn't deliberately snubbed her. She told other friends that I had. Fortunately we got things straightened out. If you stop greeting people and making eye contact with them because you think they slighted you, then they'll often reciprocate that, thinking that you're snubbing them.

If you can find the time in your schedule maybe joining a physical sport of some kind might help because you'll have to pull yourself away from your thoughts and focus on what you're doing. Your interactions with others will not be through talking or reading one another's body language but on the activity itself. If you like tennis it can be a great way of reducing stress because you have to literally keep your eye on the ball. It forces you to concentrate on your actions, not your thoughts. It doesn't involve physical contact so that might be more comfortable to you. Racquetball can be fun too. Learning a new instrument or challenging yourself on one you already play could help in a similar way - you have to focus on the music.

 

[heartsofjoy2us]

Perhaps the best prescription for loneliness is to do volunteer work at a local hospital or homeless shelter or food pantry or soup kitchen.

Or volunteer in a hobby you enjoy. Also meet ups and reddit are social apps where you can engage with people that have Similar interests. Best of luck! Let me know how you are doing.