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How to make friends?

Discussion in 'Friendship Court' started by adnan007, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. adnan007

    adnan007 New Member

    26
    +56
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    The Experiences:

    I exchanged few emails with a guy. He briefly told me about him. I briefly told him about myself. I said that I’m a disabled guy and I’m trying to teach myself English and programming. I thought that he likes writing and I could ask him few questions sometimes. I told him that my dad died few months ago, and I see this everyday how important he was in my life. He didn’t reply to my email after that.

    I exchanged few emails with another guy, and he told me briefly about himself, and I told him that I’m a disabled and I’m teaching myself English and programming. I think he also started to hesitate to talk to me.
    Then I talked to this guy two time after the death of my father. I was very sad and emotional. And I told him a lot about my problems and what I was feeling. Both times he talked to me and listened to me, and I needed that.

    It seems you shouldn’t tell someone about your problems. I was about 14 when i broke my left thigh. After that I went outside only few times to go to doctor, and I still can’t walk much. I didn’t make any friend in that time. I think I haven’t learned to make friends because I spent that time indoor when you learn that skill.

    I wanted to make friends with both of these guys, but I failed.
    How do you make friends with someone? Could you guide a little?
     
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  2. mukk_in

    mukk_in Yankees fan Supporter

    +2,921
    India
    Christian
    Celibate
    Follow the Lord son, and He'll bring you the friends you need. God bless :)
     
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  3. quatona

    quatona "God"? What do you mean??

    +4,087
    Seeker
    I sense your frustration.
    First advice (from an old-fashioned guy): It´s not a good idea to try to make friends via email.
    Second: Be authentic, or else the person opposite won´t be friends with you but with the caricature you painted of yourself.
    Third: Respect other persons´ entitlement to not want to be friends with you, or to not want the kind of friendship that you are seeking.
    Fourth: Spend some effort on getting a sense for what the person opposite needs.

    For to be friends with someone, it´s absolutely necessary to be open about your weaknesses, problems, needs, fears, vulnerabilities etc. But there´s a fine line between doing that and merely using the other person as your emotional trash can. (I am saying this because at no point in your report you mention that you listened to the other persons or showed interest in their personal problems, and at no point you mention talking about the beautiful, fulfilling and positive things in your life. But maybe you did, and just forgot to mention it.)
     
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  4. Sarah G

    Sarah G Human bean. Supporter

    771
    +979
    Netherlands
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    Married
    Hi Adnan. Your English is really good so you must be studying very hard! I am an introvert and have never really been very skilled at making friends so I don't have advice, sorry. I do know that it is important to be yourself. I feel sure that Jesus will send you the right friends with His perfect timing. God bless you.
     
  5. Emli

    Emli Growing daughter of God Supporter

    +3,042
    Sweden
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    I think you just need to practice. Take it slow and don't worry. Listen more than you talk, and ask lots of questions. Talk about the things they seem interested in. It's okay to tell them about your problems, but they may also have problems they need to talk about, so maybe just talk a little about yourself, and then try and focus on them for a while.
    If they don't want to talk any longer, that's too bad, but hey, there are so many other people.

    And if you want to talk to me, just send me a PM and I'll be your friend. You can talk to me about anything, and I will listen. :) I'm sure that there are many other people on here who will do the same.

    I'll pray for the Lord to bring you friends.

    Love,
    Em
     
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  6. Hidden In Him

    Hidden In Him Well-Known Member Supporter

    +2,346
    Christian
    Married
    Greetings, Adnan.

    I noticed you are Christian, so my advice would be similar to Emli's, only with a little more focus on ministry. What I mean is, keep drawing closer to God until you find your calling and begin to grow in it. Once that happens, you will approach every potential relationship from the perspective of what you can bring to it, i.e. what you have that you can offer someone, that will be of use to them.

    Once you get to that place, you will have no trouble finding friends. Your trouble will eventually become how to respond to them all.

    God Bless, and welcome to our Forum.
     
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  7. “Paisios”

    “Paisios” Sinner Supporter

    +3,403
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    I'm sorry you are having such troubles, and I will keep you in prayer. I don't have a lot of advice, as I'm naturally quite shy and introverted, so have few friends myself. But like @Emli, I'd be happy to talk with you by PM. Keep trying and hoping.
     
  8. bettercallpaul

    bettercallpaul Full- time Catholic

    +7,055
    Australia
    Christian Seeker
    Married
    AU-Labor
    Be friendly but focus more on listening than talking, unless they want you to talk. From my experience, people much prefer talking to listening.
     
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  9. Aleksandros

    Aleksandros Active Member

    303
    +503
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    Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles - I have prayed to the Lord for you, and trust that you will have guidance, and help.

    I would say the most important thing you should do is, grow closer to God. If you keep this thing first, everything else will take care of itself.

    "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you."
    (Matthew 6:33)

    And:

    "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will grant you the desires of your heart."
    (Psalm 37:4)

    That is the first and greatest step: grow in your friendship with God, and then make your requests known to Him, and He will grant you them, since they're good desires.

    For the more earthly advice:
    Brother, perhaps due to your struggles, you may have unloaded your burdens on a person in a way that they found uncomfortable, and thus they pulled back.

    It is an easy mistake to make :)

    Don't open up about your sorrows very quickly, it can push people away. It is how human nature is - it would take a wise man to be okay with it.

    Finally, be forgiving of such human errors. You will be tempted to be disappointed, or attribute such things to people being averse to you as a person due to your disabilities - be very careful about this, it can lead to negative beliefs about yourself that make it difficult to make friends. :)

    Most people just don't know how to deal with such struggles- they may feel awkward, don't know what to say, feel overwhelmed when you open up too fast, and various other things.

    Presume they don't mean evil.
    I hope things work out.
     
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  10. adnan007

    adnan007 New Member

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    Thank you for advice.
     
  11. adnan007

    adnan007 New Member

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    I’m a very shy person who almost always preferred to hide or stay silent. It’s been few months I’m trying to change for better. It’s been few days I put my picture on my profile first time, after watching a TED video. I’ll say I’m just starting to learn to communicate, and I also think that I made mistakes. I should talk a lot about the fun stuff.

    Thank you for advice. It’s helpful.
     
  12. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim Praying without ceasing

    +10,408
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    adnan007, welcome to Christian Forums. Your English is remarkable for being self-taught. I'd like to hear more about your programming. I pray for you and your family; especially since having lost your father and the grief that must have brought. I experienced the grief of loosing parents and loved ones. I found it good to be able to remember their lives and celebrate them through good memories and shared stories with other family members and friends.

    The most important friend we can ever have is Jesus. Keep yourself active in studying God's Word and in prayer. Look for friends that share your values in Christ and grow in fellowship with them. Do you participate in a Bible study group? That's a great way to meet people and develop lasting friendships while also learning about God's word. I pray for you and for God to fulfill your needs. God knows our needs even before we know our needs. God bless you, my friend in Christ.
     
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  13. adnan007

    adnan007 New Member

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    Yes, I’m trying hard to improve my English. It’s still not as good as yours. I also feel sure that Jesus will send right friends with perfect timing, but I think I have to make some effort to learn to communicate.

    Thanks. God bless you too.
     
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  14. adnan007

    adnan007 New Member

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    I agree that I need a lot practice. I rarely talk about my problems. I usually ask how they learn stuff. I’ll send you a PM when I have 20 posts.

    Thank you for praying and for advice.
     
  15. quatona

    quatona "God"? What do you mean??

    +4,087
    Seeker
    Just a thought that may or may not be of value to you:
    "I want to make friends" and "I want to communicate better" are two different tasks (even though at some point they may help each other), and require different means and methods.
     
  16. adnan007

    adnan007 New Member

    26
    +56
    Christian
    Single
    Hi Hidden In Him.
    Thanks for advice and welcome.
     
  17. adnan007

    adnan007 New Member

    26
    +56
    Christian
    Single
    I'll keep hoping and trying.
    Thank you for prayer.
     
  18. adnan007

    adnan007 New Member

    26
    +56
    Christian
    Single
    Thanks for advice.
     
  19. adnan007

    adnan007 New Member

    26
    +56
    Christian
    Single
    Thanks Aleksandros for praying for me and for advice.
     
  20. adnan007

    adnan007 New Member

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    Christian
    Single
    I’m not a beginner. I think I’m either an intermediate level programmer or very close to an intermediate level programmer. I think I can develop medium size websites without much problem. I’ve created few medium size projects using CakePHP. I learned a lot more by creating projects than by just reading books. These days I’m reading two books. One is on Git, and second is on HTML5 & CSS3.

    These days I sometimes contribute to develop ChurchCRM. I’ve learned new things by contributing to ChurchCRM, and I think I can become a lot better programmer if I start to contribute a lot to open source projects like ChurchCRM and if I start to ask and answer questions on stackoverflow. But I still find myself not good enough at English to say with ease what I want to say.

    I’m learning English for many years, but I tried to learn it the wrong way. I spent a lot of time on memorizing and rememorizing words and grammar rules, but I spent little time in trying to use that stuff. You waste a lot of time and energy if you teach yourself and you’re doing it the wrong way and you don’t know the right way. This is what is bad with teaching yourself. These days I’m trying to spend more time on using the words and other stuff which I’m learning. I hope that this is the right way. :)

    I don’t participate in any Bible study groups. Thank you for praying and for advice.
     
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