How to know if you’re ready to marry?

rusmeister

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Do you have some kind of income, employment or business? Can you pay for housing and utilities? You need to be an adult and have basic means of support, and correctly understand what marriage is, in the traditional and Orthodox sense. It's a lifelong relationship, not based on your feelings, but on a sacred commitment (aka "a vow" in the Christian sense) that should not be broken under any circumstances, however much things sour later, that you must learn to love, not now, when it is easy and you are coasting on feelings, but later, when it becomes hard. You have to see marriage as Christ sees the Church. He loves His Spouse unconditionally, and will never leave her, no matter how horrible she becomes. You need to be mature, which means being ready to bear and raise children, to undertake not only the joys, but the difficulty and pain that must also come. It is another type of cross, one that can be sweet at times, but at times really a painful cross.
But it is not good for man to be alone. If you understand all that and are prepared to do it, go for it! There's nothing else to wait for. You're never going to have ideal conditions, and late marriage is generally worse than marriage while young, provided these things are understood and all other things being equal. I am an old father now, in my fifties with teenage kids, and wishing I was twenty years younger.
 
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Lawrence87

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I am not married so of course take this with a pinch of salt.

The most obvious question is whether they are Orthodox or at least supportive of it. Fasting and such could be an issue if your spouse is not supportive of it.

Then if I were considering whether to marry someone I'd be looking at their aspirations and whether they coincide with mine. I'd seriously consider whether there is anything about them that might become an issue down the line. For instance it is easy to tolerate a lazy person when you are starry-eyed and filled with passion for them but 15 years down the line when you have kids is a different matter.

I think it's one of those things where the feeling of complete readiness would never be there, but if you think you could commit to spending your life with them, and you understand the sacrament of marriage in the Orthodox tradition then you should go for it.
 
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Brian Mcnamee

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Hi brother marriage is ordained by God and it can be the source of great blessing or future regret and hardship. If you were going to climb a great mountain or go on a long journey you would need to be prepared for the journey. Your personal walk with the LORD and your own personality are key elements to making a successful couple. Finding a suitable mate is most important and that is a skill not really taught these days. I am a bit older 60 and watched my brother in law raise his kids with a mindset that did not date they courted and when his sons were attracted to a girl they approached the father of the girl and asked if they could court his daughter. Now this is not the way it is anymore but all 5 sons now are happily married and all had kids right away too. They serve the LORD 1st and family 2nd and this old fashioned approach worked for them. In the courting process they talked and went over Christian books on marriage and compatibility. In other words they really got to know one another 1st and the discussed important issues on things most dating couples avoid. On a side note all of the guys and the women they married were happy and content before they started courting and all were serving in the church they attend.
 
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SingularityOne

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Do you have some kind of income, employment or business? Can you pay for housing and utilities? You need to be an adult and have basic means of support, and correctly understand what marriage is, in the traditional and Orthodox sense. It's a lifelong relationship, not based on your feelings, but on a sacred commitment (aka "a vow" in the Christian sense) that should not be broken under any circumstances, however much things sour later, that you must learn to love, not now, when it is easy and you are coasting on feelings, but later, when it becomes hard. You have to see marriage as Christ sees the Church. He loves His Spouse unconditionally, and will never leave her, no matter how horrible she becomes. You need to be mature, which means being ready to bear and raise children, to undertake not only the joys, but the difficulty and pain that must also come. It is another type of cross, one that can be sweet at times, but at times really a painful cross.
But it is not good for man to be alone. If you understand all that and are prepared to do it, go for it! There's nothing else to wait for. You're never going to have ideal conditions, and late marriage is generally worse than marriage while young, provided these things are understood and all other things being equal. I am an old father now, in my fifties with teenage kids, and wishing I was twenty years younger.
Thanks. This is all really helpful for my internal barometer.
 
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Abide with me.

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Speaking as someone who has been married twice, I would say the time to get married is when you have a powerful bond that is mutually reciprocated, and you feel as though being married is the outward manifestation of the long term comittment you both already feel exists between you.
If I were your significant other I wouldn't want a proposal sprung on me out of nowhere, however romantic that might be in the movies, I'd want to discuss what marriage would mean for both of us, whether children are wanted, what you expect from each other, what would your deal breaker / red lines be, what you would expect the other to accept and what that would mean in practical terms, and explore your attitudes to compromise, as in how much is not worth it. We often go into marriage on a haze of in loveness and think that's all we are going to need, whereas I believe being in love is God given, to oil the cogs to see you through the adjustment necessary to knock the sharp edges off each other so we can tumble along more smoothly once the in loveness abates, leaving a real love of the better people we have become.
I think the best time to propose is when you both know that is what you want though taking a serious look at it without rose tinted spectacles on, and it is ten times more romantic when you still want to marry a person when you've seen the worst of them as well as the best, it's a way of saying I fundamentally accept who you are, but we always need to be willing to change our behaviour if it's unacceptable.
Hope it works out for you.
 
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rusmeister

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Should remind people that this is the Orthodox congregational sub-forum. There are all kinds of opinions and many are not in sync with the teachings of our Church.

You’d think CF would have solved this by now by making the congregational forum super-obvious to would-be posters.
 
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E.C.

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Rusmeister's post at the beginning is a great one.

I'm not married yet, but we talked a lot about future plans, hopes, dreams, goals, etc. Being open to Orthodoxy is a big one especially when one's fiancee lives in a country with no Orthodox church. It hit a point where I could actually see a real, viable future with my fiancee and just as importantly the means to support a family. We'd talked about it a bit and the last time I was in El Salvador to visit, I proposed.

Some of the best advice I'd heard from a Palestinian priest was "If you haven't talked about getting married after six months, you're wasting your time." He said something else along the lines of if you and them are still unsure after a year to move on, but I'm not 100% sure about it.

You’d think CF would have solved this by now by making the congregational forum super-obvious to would-be posters.
No, that would mean the site admins would have to do their jobs and we can't have that :rolleyes:
 
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SingularityOne

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Rusmeister's post at the beginning is a great one.

I'm not married yet, but we talked a lot about future plans, hopes, dreams, goals, etc. Being open to Orthodoxy is a big one especially when one's fiancee lives in a country with no Orthodox church. It hit a point where I could actually see a real, viable future with my fiancee and just as importantly the means to support a family. We'd talked about it a bit and the last time I was in El Salvador to visit, I proposed.

Some of the best advice I'd heard from a Palestinian priest was "If you haven't talked about getting married after six months, you're wasting your time." He said something else along the lines of if you and them are still unsure after a year to move on, but I'm not 100% sure about it.


No, that would mean the site admins would have to do their jobs and we can't have that :rolleyes:
Yeah, we have already talked a good bit about goals and stuff for whoever we each marry and what we’d each want for the family, etc.

6-8 months seems good for engagement. But, I’ve thought that a long engagement sucks... so a year is when I’d hope to marry. But, I agreed with everything Rus said above too.
 
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E.C.

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Yeah, we have already talked a good bit about goals and stuff for whoever we each marry and what we’d each want for the family, etc.

6-8 months seems good for engagement. But, I’ve thought that a long engagement sucks... so a year is when I’d hope to marry. But, I agreed with everything Rus said above too.
It all depends on the circumstances. My fiancee and I have been engaged for almost two years because between covid, the visa process just to visit the US much less move here, and the military; well, she'll get up here when she gets up here.
 
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SingularityOne

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It all depends on the circumstances. My fiancee and I have been engaged for almost two years because between covid, the visa process just to visit the US much less move here, and the military; well, she'll get up here when she gets up here.
I get that. It's different for every relationship.
 
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bèlla

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Don’t go it alone. It helps to have wise counselors and loved ones who know you well and understand your struggles. They can be a source of support and feedback.

Many marry in a vacuum. They don’t query the ones who know them best. People who’ll speak the truth. They listen to people who feed their ego and enable their shortcomings and wonder why the marriage is bad.

Do you have strong Christians in your corner? People who aren’t afraid to say hard things. Healthy connections thrive in good community. Do you have married friends with solid relationships?

I made a point of befriending happily married Christian women who respected their husbands. That’s the example I wanted.

I shared my desire to marry with my loved ones and listened to their advice. I invited them into the process. When I meet a prospect I tell them and we discuss it. They’re my prayer partners and provision against blind spots.

For me, readiness implies surrendering to God and the other. Life beyond bella. Two have become three. When you reach the ‘we’ you’re ready. You’re not your first concern. :)

Yours in His Service,

~bella
 
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I’m with Rus mostly on this. Marriage is more than a fleeting moment of fancy of mere emotion. And we needn’t have everything in common to be married either. I get frustrated that my wife doesn’t like progressive rock sometimes, but then I catch her singing a Peter Gabriel era Genesis song or a Yes song under her breath while doing something and I smile! ^_^ My wife and I like to work outdoors, but with me it’s fruit trees and gardening. With her it’s growing and germinating succulents. I like to play the guitar and she has zero interest. She likes to paint, and I’m not into that. She’s NOT a fan of theology or religious reading but always goes to church. She’s not a huge animal lover but loves shih tzus so I got her one plus she’s fallen in love with one of our cats. We both like the same TV shows.

Her mail polishing stuff smells awful and gets on my nerves and she thinks I drive too fast in my Challenger.

We’re not perfect or idealized, but we love each other and hang in there. 21 years. I trust her implicitly, and she trusts me.

You have to be practical but there should be that “it” factor.
 
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