How to have patience while waiting for a possible proposal?

[EtainSkirata]

A couple months ago I told my boyfriend I wanted to marry him, and... we haven't really had any talks that would count as "deliberately moving us closer to marriage."

But I mean, it's only been 9 months of dating, and I had told him before that I wanted to wait a year before getting married (I'd read that in a Dr. Dobson book lol). So the relationship is still young.

I just want to have patience. I have this frustration, and it's not healthy. I don't want to be, like, "why aren't you giving me what I want, when I want it?" I want him to lead in this; I want him to pursue me.

My biological clock is ticking though--I'm in my late 20s so the door feels like it's closing on having kids.

Any advice for being patient? Any tips for what I should do to subtly help things along?

 

[Lost Witness]

A couple months ago I told my boyfriend I wanted to marry him, and... we haven't really had any talks that would count as "deliberately moving us closer to marriage."

But I mean, it's only been 9 months of dating, and I had told him before that I wanted to wait a year before getting married (I'd read that in a Dr. Dobson book lol). So the relationship is still young.

I just want to have patience. I have this frustration, and it's not healthy. I don't want to be, like, "why aren't you giving me what I want, when I want it?" I want him to lead in this; I want him to pursue me.

My biological clock is ticking though--I'm in my late 20s so the door feels like it's closing on having kids.

Any advice for being patient? Any tips for what I should do to subtly help things along?

Trust in THE LORD

 

[turkle]

Any advice for being patient? Any tips for what I should do to subtly help things along?

Being patient and "subtly helping things along" are opposites. If you are patient, you simply wait. That's it. But if you want to "help things along", you are looking for ways to manipulate your boyfriend. You said you want him to lead your relationship. If so, don't be manipulative. Let him lead as he sees fit. You can't have it both ways.

 

[seashale76]

A couple months ago I told my boyfriend I wanted to marry him, and... we haven't really had any talks that would count as "deliberately moving us closer to marriage."

But I mean, it's only been 9 months of dating, and I had told him before that I wanted to wait a year before getting married (I'd read that in a Dr. Dobson book lol). So the relationship is still young.

I just want to have patience. I have this frustration, and it's not healthy. I don't want to be, like, "why aren't you giving me what I want, when I want it?" I want him to lead in this; I want him to pursue me.

My biological clock is ticking though--I'm in my late 20s so the door feels like it's closing on having kids.

Any advice for being patient? Any tips for what I should do to subtly help things along?

So, what was his response when you tried to initiate that conversation? The entire purpose of dating is to see if you are compatible to marry. If he hasn't figured out whether or not he wants to continue living his life without you in it yet, then you need to cut your losses and move on.

I've been married for twenty-three years. My husband and I had an emotional conversation wherein we both decided we didn't want to live the rest of our lives without the other one in it. At that moment we considered ourselves engaged. He took me out and bought me an engagement ring and then we told our parents we were engaged.

There was no hesitation, no dilly-dallying for a perfect staged proposal, no weirdness over the search for the ring (I was taken to a store and shown rings in his budget without being told what that was, and we both picked out my engagement ring and our wedding bands together), no waiting on one person in the duo to hold some kind of relationship power over the other, both of us were all for pre-marital counseling, et cetera.

 

[Paidiske]

My advice would be, don't play games. If this is important to you, talk to him! Let him know what you're thinking and feeling (and listen to his thoughts and feelings in response). Lack of communication is no basis for a healthy relationship of any sort, let alone marriage.

As for wanting him to lead, that's not something I see as a healthy take, but leaving that aside; not telling him what's important to you isn't giving him the information he needs to lead well.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Update:

We ended up talking about marriage a couple days ago. He isn't ready to marry me, because he isn't sure yet if we're compatible. I am a night person, he is a morning person, and the reason why that's a problem is because I tend to bring up problems at night. He finds this draining, because a) he says I bring up problems A LOT, and b) when we have serious conversations, he gives me his full attention and focus, which he finds to be taxing as he is thinking very hard about what I'm saying, what he needs to say in response, etc.

Last night I asked if he had hope for us, and he said yes. He said he had things he liked about me, which make him want to stay in the relationship. I told him that I wanted to ask if he loved me, but was scared of the answer. He said he didn't know.

We're going to try NOT bringing up problems after 9pm. This is based on something I read, "don't trust how you feel after 9pm" or something like that.

I just want to give it a couple more months and then give up. I do need to work on not being so emotional the majority of the time.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

A couple months ago I told my boyfriend I wanted to marry him, and... we haven't really had any talks that would count as "deliberately moving us closer to marriage."

But I mean, it's only been 9 months of dating, and I had told him before that I wanted to wait a year before getting married (I'd read that in a Dr. Dobson book lol). So the relationship is still young.

I just want to have patience. I have this frustration, and it's not healthy. I don't want to be, like, "why aren't you giving me what I want, when I want it?" I want him to lead in this; I want him to pursue me.

My biological clock is ticking though--I'm in my late 20s so the door feels like it's closing on having kids.

Any advice for being patient? Any tips for what I should do to subtly help things along?

Dobson is not infallible. Ask him again.

 

[seashale76]

Update:

We ended up talking about marriage a couple days ago. He isn't ready to marry me, because he isn't sure yet if we're compatible. I am a night person, he is a morning person, and the reason why that's a problem is because I tend to bring up problems at night. He finds this draining, because a) he says I bring up problems A LOT, and b) when we have serious conversations, he gives me his full attention and focus, which he finds to be taxing as he is thinking very hard about what I'm saying, what he needs to say in response, etc.

Last night I asked if he had hope for us, and he said yes. He said he had things he liked about me, which make him want to stay in the relationship. I told him that I wanted to ask if he loved me, but was scared of the answer. He said he didn't know.

We're going to try NOT bringing up problems after 9pm. This is based on something I read, "don't trust how you feel after 9pm" or something like that.

I just want to give it a couple more months and then give up. I do need to work on not being so emotional the majority of the time.

Why does it sound like you're being gaslighted by this guy? He's making you out to be the problem. Guaranteed you AREN't actually dealing with out of control emotionalism most of the time, rather your emotions are being toyed with. Also, dollars to donuts, this guy won't want to hear what you have to say in the morning either. It's all a convenient excuse to fob off you and your concerns.

This guy gave you an answer. The real question is, do you think you should settle for this kind of treatment? You deserve better.

 

[rturner76]

I just want to have patience.

Good idea. Pressure only causes anxiety and that's a huge turn-off.